Author Topic: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless  (Read 3223 times)

[Buddie]

writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« on: October 18, 2020, 01:52:55 pm »
Am I 100% healed and back to my old self -- no, probably not.  Am I significantly better and healing up -- yes!
I am writing this is to help somebody out today who is in a bad place.  Benzodiazepines are a nightmare, and the process of tapering off and healing is slow and brutal.  You are not alone.

I'm 9 1/2 months benzo free.  The world is getting more and more beautiful and clear again, but slowly.  I've had days where I'm in great shape.  I've had periods where it all comes crashing back down, and feels like I'm back to square one all over again. I'm able to accept and sit with that because I know I'll feel good again. That is the most defeating and frustrating part, because we al want it to just end.  I've been able to experience first-hand and reflect on what this poison does to people. 

Be kind to yourself (if you can) because it has done temporary damage to your brain and central nervous system. I believe you will heal.  I didn't believe I would heal, and had many days of "giving up" moments.  I have healed and continue to do so. I've accepted that I may never be the person I once was, but after this traumatic experience there's no way you can go back, but instead be a better person.  I now experience JOY over a good day of life or night of sleep.

I've been checked out by a lot of doctors for many issues trying to find what's wrong.  Nothing is wrong with me.  No doctor could explain what's going on, nor could they understand or relate to benzo withdrawal and sickness.  There is an extremely good chance that what's happening to you is benzo related. You know yourself better than anyone else.  Get yourself checked out if you need to and be your own advocate.

I had great support from my girlfriend and parents, and my psychiatrist and therapist.  My girlfriend just stood by me and held me when I cried for hours because it felt like the world was ending.  My parents took countless phone calls from me at all hours of the day just to let me know they understand and are there.  My psychiatrist was very understanding and didn't rush my taper and prescribed me liquid valium to taper off of.  I was one of his worst patients wrt benzo withdrawal, but he didn't treat me like I was crazy and always reassured me that I'm getting better, I've experienced healing periods, and to stay the course.  My therapist was able to help me cope through this process and navigate this through cognitive behavior therapy and reasoning.  It takes a lot of time!  Find the right support network and health care.  Don't be dismissed or not taken seriously.

I have a lot of unfortunate stressors in my life which tremendously added to the pain and suffering of benzo withdrawal.  My ex is facing criminal charges because she decided to keep my child from me during the pandemic, against all court orders etc.  I was in a very psychologically and emotionally abuse marriage for 10 years that turned physically abusive (it happens to men too) that I never completely dealt with.  Being separated from my daughter for the last 4 years and the continuing court battles all added up to a complete overload of emotions, grief, and pain which just enhanced this process 100x over.  Eliminate any BS and crap from your life that you can during this process.  Surround yourself only with people who love you and care for you.  Cut bait on all the toxicity that you can.  Your capacity to handle and process more trauma and stress is significantly diminished while healing.

I never thought I would sleep again.  It has been by far my biggest hurdle and problem.  I still have absolutely brutal nights/days of sleep.
It does get better, and this is probably the one thing I've noticed which has helped me turn the corner.  Over the last few months I've noticed that sleep has come back, and I don't have that perpetual feeling inside that something bad is going to happen or the world is ending.  I have been able to take a few naps here and there, which was completely unheard of during the taper or first 6 months benzo free.  Last night I slept for almost 9 hours and am currently enjoying a cup of coffee right now.

The list of physical ailments is unique to each person, so please don't try to overreact to what you read in this forum.  It can make things a lot worse when you think about and obsess over everything that is physically wrong with you.  I've had everything from headaches, body aches, severe neck and shoulder pain, stomach and GI issues, fatigue, severe sinus issues, blurred vision --- to intrusive thoughts, panic and anxiety attacks when nothing is wrong, insominia, and the inner trembling feeling.  They all have gone away when I'm at my best, but still creep up on me.  I've been jolted awake with brain zaps and weird head sensations and "pops/cracks" when I start to dose off.  The best explanation is your body is a torture chamber.
You MUST try to take care of yourself and eat healthy and smart even though it feels like it doesn't matter.  I've been able to now see first hand how a really bad day of eating junkfood, sugar, caffeine can set me up for disaster.  It's true everyone is different and will experience this differently.

Believe what you want about psych meds.  I do think they help some people and are bad for others.  I'm only on 7.5mg of Remeron, and I can tell you that it helped me out....alot.  At my worst part during the taper I was very very skinny and sickly, not sleeping and suffering.  One Dr who understood benzo withdrawal validated that "yes" this is benzo withdrawal and it's hard.  He recommended the 7.5mg of Remeron, and I gave it a try.  It immediately helped me sleep and brought my appetite back.  The affect it has on sleep definitely wears off as the body adjusts, but I believe it is helping me even though its not the therapeutic dose.  I have put 30 pounds back on, and now need to cut back and diet so I don't get fat because a known side affect of this drug is it will cause you to pig out and eat.  I've refused other psych meds and known all along I didn't want to get on a cocktail of drugs, but that's my choice.  You have to make the right choice for you.  I can't stress enough how different everyone is wrt how drugs will work for you.  Don't be scared by everyone else's horror stories because something might work for you.  You have to make the right choice for you.

Please hang in there.  Your brain and central nervous system will flip back and come home again one day.  It is not fair that you are suffering like this.  Practice ACCEPTANCE if you can. This will likely be the hardest thing that will be required of you in life.  When you make it, you will feel like you can handle anything that comes your way.  When the good days come, please pause and look around, take it all in, breathe deep, pat yourself on the back. Enjoy the ordinary peace and tranquility when you feel it, because either the hell is over or taking a brief pause....you earned it.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2020, 02:27:18 pm »
Thank you for sharing your story of healing and offering such encouraging words!  Wishing you much continued healing!  :thumbsup:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2020, 02:42:11 pm »
Every day I run across a post that makes my day, one that offers hope, shows progress or gratitude and today I found yours, thank you, you just started my day out with a smile.

Thank you for taking the time to write your story, I can't tell you how much I clung to stories like yours when I was recovering, you've done a great service to others.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2020, 04:05:44 pm »
So glad I read your story!

I know every one finds there own taper method, dry, liquid, 5%, 10%, daily, hold, substitution, etc.  Currently working on mine.

But would you mind sharing yours?  It just good info to add to our book of knowledge  :thumbsup:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2020, 09:14:21 am »
Rock on Dudeist Priest, from fellow Dudeist Priest.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2020, 12:50:00 pm »
Thanks for Sharing your story.  It definitely gives me hope!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

2 years and 3 months free
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2022, 05:45:56 am »
Time is the key ingredient, it's going to take time.  Along with taking really good care of yourself.  I've been free from benzos now for 2 years and 3 months and am doing really well, and feel normal again. Sleep is no problem. I thought I'd never sleep again and that I was dying. I'm here to tell you that everything healed the way it should and according to all the info you find here. Everything you are experiencing is real and you are not crazy. The medical community doesn't know shit for the most part and your typical Dr really has no idea how harmful this crap is. Some people can deal with this with almost no problem, while others are on their death bed. Either way, now I believe that healing is reality and life being normal again and feeling like myself is also reality. Don't give up. The worst thing I did was over-worry I was screwed up permanently because that's what your mind tells you when you're screwed up from this poison. It's poison. There's a time and place in medical practice for situational uses, but like I said most Dr's are clueless. Warn other people and support them if you can. This is so far in my past I rarely ever think about it. Living again is amazing. Just wanted to remind someone out there who is suffering.  It's not permanent. It will end. You have to tough it out. Don't start taking them again. Hold at your current amount until you are ready to reduce even if it's minimal.  I got my Dr to prescribe me liquid Valium so I was in control. I was in control....good luck
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2022, 09:11:25 am »
That user name though.... I'm taking a very [...] approach to my taper slow and steady as the [...] himself would do 'far out mannnn"  :thumbsup:

Well done done bud
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2022, 11:45:30 am »
You've had to endure so much, not only withdrawal, but dealing with an abusive ex and being kept from your daughter. These kinds of issues would be hard for anyone to deal with. Your words show such strength and determination to overcome and move forward.  Thank you so much for posting this, your powerful message will help other still in the process.  I wish you all the best!

[...]  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: writing this to help others out, it's not hopeless
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2022, 03:12:30 pm »
Thank you for coming back to encourage us [...]!  I read every word in your original post and this new post as well.  I love hearing that you hardly ever think about it anymore. That is music to my ears! I'm 10 1/2 months off and starting to be able to envision what feeling good will be like. I'm not there yet but I can picture it.  Thanks so much. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.