Jump to content

Do you feel better or worse during the holiday season?


[ve...]

Recommended Posts

Hi. Some of you know that as I finished my taper last November before Thanksgiving, I had to deal with a difficult family situation and very sick father.  Fortunately my father recovered but I have not spoken to my brother in almost a year now.  I'm going back out there in a couple weeks to attend a family event (just before Thanksgiving).  Despite being 11 months post taper, I hope my almost healed nervous system will handle the stress of being thrown back into a potentially dysfunctional environment.   Many of you have been very supportive of this situation on my blog "under 4mg and chipping away" and it was much appreciated.

 

I have come to find that I'm not alone in having family members who are less than understanding or supportive of the benzo taper process.  I have not forgotten my abrasive sister in law yelling at me last Fall during a family meeting about how best to take care of my elderly father- "why listen to you, you're weak and an addict". Needless to say, it was pretty cruel.  She didn't know that I was about ten days away from my step off date ;).

 

Do any of you have supportive or unsupportive family members during your taper or post taper?  How do you cope?  Are some of you gonna be thrown into the lion's den over Thanksgiving or other upcoming holidays?  This time of year can lead to very big lows and highs.  Sometimes its a time that can bring up regrets or other emotional issues.  I wonder how it might impact your withdrawal in terms of anxiety, depression... and how you might deal with it?

 

Vertigo (no more)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 56
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • [ve...]

    24

  • [mt...]

    6

  • [pa...]

    6

  • [La...]

    3

Hi Vertigo, sorry to hear your family was less then supportive during your taper. Also so sorry to hear about last year's holiday and how mean your sister in law was. I find that many do not understand what I am going through and it is difficult for them to understand because they have never been through this. I hope this Thanksgiving is better for you, try and ignore the ugliness and just try to have a nice holiday. Let us know how it goes this year, hope it is a nice holiday for you. My family is just very loud and doesn't ask much how I am. They assume since I look fine, that I must be fine. They don't really understand this process either, but so far noone has been ugly about it yet.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi cantwait.  Fortunately my wife was extremely supportive and I feel very lucky that she was as understanding and encouraging during my taper and post taper as she's been.  I have to be in California next month for an event honoring my father.  My brother will likely be there with his wife.  I have not seen them since my brother assaulted me at my father's house back in January, 2010.  He was mad that I had not supported his idea for my father to move out near him after my dad got out of the hospital a few weeks before Thanksgiving last Fall.  My 88 year old father has been able to live semi independently in his own home the last year with caregivers who I interviewed and hired :thumbsup:.  My brother argued every step of the way, saying he had to be near him, that caregivers would never work out...   In part, I believe that added conflict and stress led to my getting Shingles last January, about six weeks after my taper ended.  As I tapered my last bit of valium last November, that is what was going on with my brother and sister in law.  As Thanksgiving approaches, I am reminded of all that again.

 

The holiday season is almost here. I am very happy to be off benzos and I have much to be grateful for.  Yet I have some apprehension about seeing my brother and his family next month.  I was thinking there are probably others here on forum who have family members they may not want to see over the holidays as they continue to taper, but often have a family get together or other events that are hard to avoid around this time of year.  

 

I thought I'd see if anyone else has something to share about how they get through it.  Thanksgiving to New Years can be a depressing or difficult time for many even without benzos to worry about.  Thanks for your post CW. I can relate to the "you look fine so you must be fine" attitude.  It's come across with some friends along the way during my post benzo freedom.  Anyhow, maybe there are some others who will post something about their family situation and how they plan to get through the holiday season.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[27...]

Hi Vertigo,

Geeze.  Assaulted.  I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sure sounds like you did the right thing for your Father.  And you are doing so much better now.  Follow your advice to me about this situation.  :thumbsup:  I've been assaulted by my brother as well.  Many times so you can see why I don't want to participate with these people.  Just five minutes ago I was telling my Dad who is 93 and comes to check on me, I'm just not going to do it. Like you said it's hard enough benzo or no benzo with these family situations.  I wish you the very best of luck with this and feel you will do fine.  Like you also said, if anything you can just walk away. 

The Holidays aren't what they used to be.  When I was out at his house the other night, I needed Kleenex and he literally threw the box at me.  I can't handle stuff like that right now, or anytime actually.  But you are MUCH stronger than me at this point.  You can handle this. 

 

Thanks again,

Mamie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Mamie.  Sounds like your brother and mine could be twins :laugh:.  Does that make us related ;D?Seriously though, sorry to hear you've also had to deal with a sibling who has not been supportive, to say the least. Glad to hear your father is 93 and in good health :thumbsup:.  The holidays can be a time of such joy and renewal, yet there seem to be family or friends who have a way of bringing you down sometimes.  I look forward to other posts about how y'all feel about tapering through and coping through the holidays...

 

Vertigo (no more)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fortunately the only family I have around here are my sister and brother-in-law and my oldest niece (who is only a year younger than me!). They don't even really know what is going on with me with the benzo stuff. I kind of told my sis but I can tell she doesn't really understand. She is just concerned that I am going to be ok.

 

She knows how bad the insomnia was that led me to the Xanax and how I nearly went totally off the "deep end" when my hubby got cancer. All she is worried about is if I am ok. Fortunately my family is not mean spirited and even if they don't know what is going on and don't understand they still love me.

 

My hubby's family on the other hand...he has not spoken to any of them for years and years. Hubby and I have been together for over 16 years altogether and I have never met his mother who is a alive and well and lives about 6 hours from us. He says his family are a bunch of nuerotic (sp?) a-holes and he wants nothing to do with them.

 

My hubby's family is me and all of our good friends we have made along the way. Just because you were born into this family doesn't mean you have to associate with them or have them in your lives at all if they treat you badly.

 

I can see how the situation with your father could make it more difficult for you to break ties with your awful brother and his equally nasty wife though. Just try to have as little contact with them as possible and don't let them suck you into a confrontation you don't need. Stay calm and stick to your guns.

 

Don't know if this was helpful at all, just wanted to say to try and enjoy the holidays with your lovely wife and son (I believe you said you have a son) and try not to let the evil relatives get to you.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Tydy.  I am sorry to hear about your husband's family situation and cancer.  Hope he is doing ok now.  Thanks for the advice about my situation.  You're right, they do try to suck me into confrontations, it's their nature. I will disengage, walk away if I have to.  Yes, I have a son and wife.  Used to have a dog too but he died a few years ago :( (German Shepherd).  Love your wolf avatar by the way!

 

Best,

 

Vertigo (no more)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Vertigo - sorry to read about your troubles with your brother and sister in law.  You are going home to honor your father - right?  So, just

try to avoid them and stay above the fray.......whatever they say, ignore it and just get to a  place in your head where they can't hurt you.

I know that is so hard to do - my brain couldn't do it, but I am only 8 weeks benzo free and my brain has absolutely no censors or regulators to help me avoid a reaction to what people say to me.....it just goes in and I react in a way that is harmful to me and that delays my recovery and that is so bad.  So i try to stay away from people for the most part....especially ones I know don't understand.  It means I am along alot, but that is OK. 

    I realize that is not your situation and so I think you just have to steel yourself against them and their attitudes and comments, if it is at all possible.  Try not to be around them - will you have to have Thanksgiving dinner with them?  I would avoid that at all costs - even if it means you and your immediate family have to go out and eat......I would not put myself at the mercy of their nastiness.  When you are REALLY STRONG and totally healed, then you can deal with them. 

    I do not plan to have Thanksgiving with any family this year, except my husband.  I'm not up to cooking and I could never sit through a dinner at someone else's house so that's just how it will be for me this year.  I accept it.  Both my children, who are grown, have their significant other's families house to go to.  For christmas, I don't know what will happen.  I am hoping that I will be a bit better by then, but still don't plan to have a big Christmas - maybe not even a tree this year.  My total concentration is on My Healing! 

      I wish you the best in dealing with these cruel people - you have been doing wonderful so far and just STAY STRONG ....... You have been through alot and you will make the best of this trying time coming up.

Love from Hoping2BFree

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi V!

Great idea for a thread as usual...

First off, let me say that it sadens me terribly that certain family members treated you so cruelly... You, V, are an upstanding member of this forum... You are compassionate, caring, and give 110% of yourself in your drive to help others! And that's not even including the help, love, support and work that you did for your father.

I just wanted to let you know how I felt about that V, and to say that I really do pray that our loving God will reach into those who have hurt you (and are probably hurting themsleves as well) and give them new hearts and a conversion of mind.

These are my thoughts about my current family situation and how it relates...

I grew up with a rather dysfunctional family. For some strange reasons, it never seemed to translate into a stressful Holiday season. As an married adult with kids, I have seen 2 Holiday seasons that were what I would call struggles for me to maintain sanity.

the first was when my father died. He died on Dec 6 2007. Ironically, Dec 6 just happens to be St Nicholas Day. That entire month of December was so shot for me due to ongoing issues that included having to make long trips down to San Jose through bad weather, having to deal with family coming in (some of whom were not on speaking terms), my father's completely cluttered house, having to make arrangements with personnel from his work in order to have a memorial, desparately trying to locate credit cards to shut down accounts (of which he had many), trying to figure out how living, cleaning arrangements were going to be made, trying to figure out just what the heck duties I had as an administrator of his estate, etc, etc, etc...

The second Holiday season that was a complete nightmare was Dec 2008. This was when I developed inter dose w/d from the klonopin and was trying to drop my A/D at the same time. I don't think I can put into words just how sick I got trying to do that. It was horrible!

The good news for me now, is that I no longer have much contact with the troublemakers in the family. My stepgrandfather was cruel to my wife and kids and I the last time we visited them at their house during the Holiday season. He simply would not aknowledge us when we were there. My kids had even drawn pictures for him... It was sad. :'( Later, we found out that my sister (the alocoholic) had  been having conversations with him about me saying that I was trying to kick her and her drunk boyfriend out of my dad's house and also that I was not doing anything to help them out.

The truth was that they had no right to stay there and were simply loitering... but my stepgrandfather being the ignorant person that he is did not bother to try to consider the source of his misinformation.

And so it goes... I am fortunate to have a pretty supportive family around me now and the ones who have gotten ugly, I have no further contact with. I realize that this isn't an option for everybody... Sometimes you have to deal with difficult family members whether you want to or not.

I can definetley feel the pain of having to put up with that kind of a situation even if I'm not currently going through it. It just seems that there are some people in the world who seem to thrive on hatred, turmoil and uggliness. I have seen it in my dad's family. It's like people who have an addiction to hatefulness. In the end, however, people like that will end up reaping what they sow. We, unfortunatley, end up being vulnerable at times (because we are people who care so much and have big hearts) and sometimes we temporarily get snared by their amusement. However, I do believe that time will set things right. In 20 or 30 years from now, where will destructive family members be? Probably still miserable. Where will we be? Enjoying our fruits and labor! It takes time but the good seeds that you sow now, will tranform into a bountiful harvest later.

Sorry if I couldn't added more. I do have quite a bit of philisophical feelings about this kind of situation, so this was how I chose to reply.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Hoping and Pangelingua for your posts and for your insights.  Yes, the event next month is to honor my father for a lifetime achievement in his profession.  The whole family is expected to be there.  No I will not have Thanksgiving with them.  That would be an oxymoron :).  

 

Hoping.  Congrats on 8 weeks of benzo freedom.  Sounds like you are dealing with the challenges of post benzo stress before the healing sets in.  Stay the course.  Your comments were very wise in recognizing the vulnerablity, potential for benzo rage and over reaction during the initial months after the last benzo dose.  Staying away from toxic people and minimizing stress is so important if you can. I wish I had the option, perhaps I would not have gotten Shingles six weeks after my taper which ended two weeks before Thanksgiving last year.  It was the perfect storm.  My elderly father going into the hospital for five weeks just as I finished my taper.  I had no way to avoid a sibling that has tormented me for 40 years, along with his wife for the last 20 years, both very unhappy to have to deal with, but no choice when my 87 year old father could not advocate for himself.  They tried relentlessly to move him out of his home, ostensibly so they could take care of him closer to their domicile.  Yet it was clear it was more about them avoiding commutes to see him and convenience for them than him being where he wanted to be, which was  in his own home as stated in his health care directive.  There were arguments about every decision.  They kept working in their jobs, not losing any income, while I dealt with everything from cleaning up his house to hiring caregivers for him and staying there the first few weeks to make sure things ran smoothly, being away from my family for over a month.  Then they later attacked me for not working a traditional job (something that enabled me to make the time to help my father).   Eventually, my brother physically attacked me when my friend brought over some food that his mother had cooked for my dad.  He was so jealous that I was doing everything to help my father get well so he could stay in his own home.  

 

Pange.  So sorry to read about all that you went through just one year before my nightmare in 2009.  Exactly 2 years ago in 2008, I had just decided that I needed to taper off the valium but had no firm plan in place.   What you went through sounds very similar to my ordeal, except your father unfortunately died which must have been ten times worse and harder to tolerate.  Thank you for your prayers and all your support over the last year.  You understand only too well what it is like to be attacked mercilessly when you are doing your best to help a parent.  Other relatives seem to be concerned about their own welfare, finances, convenience... while the good sons are left with the dirty work and the hard work of sorting through a parent's clutter and mess.  Sorry to hear about your step grandfather's unfortunate treatment of you and other family members trying to take advantage.  I was also slandered by my brother to any cousin, aunt or friend who would listen to the lies.   You're right.  At a certain point, it becomes like an addictive sickness where hateful people try to fuel their own anger by provoking others to react to them.  Sometimes one just has to distance oneself.  So glad that two years later you seem to be doing so much better, despite a few final symptoms to get through.

 

Thanks for all your posts buddies.  I will get through this next visit to see my father and the family on the West Coast.  I have worked hard over the last year to develop better coping skills to help deal with any potential dysfunctional confrontations that might occur.  Fortunately, I beieve that at 11 months off benzos, my own sensitivities have become more manageable a year later.  I'm sure I am not the only one to have to deal with unpleasant situations  or family members.  Many movies have been made about the dysfunctions that can occur at the holidays.  There is also a potential for joy and spiritual renewal.  I hope that others who have read this thread will take away something positive, that we can overcome difficult circumstances.  Sometimes it is healthier to stay away from toxic people, other times when we feel stronger, we can face the storm head on and hopefully find some peace at this holiday season.

 

Happy Halloween and God Bless,

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HI V

Well now you have REALLY done it!  This thread may be the most painful thread on all of BB’s!  Well at least for me…  Throughout my taper it has been the lack of empathy and compassion that permeates my own family circle that has caused me the greatest suffering and consequently-insights.  Only when I was “leveled” by benzo w/d and forced due to my complete inability to participate in my status quo state of being, was the real state of affairs concerning my family relations… revealed.  Once I could no longer promote and sustain the smoke and mirrors act that kept “the chips from falling”-once I backed off and let things be as they are….everything came to a crashing and painful halt.  Family feuds that I constantly interceded and refereed escalated into world wars and I often became the focus of much of this animosity.  It could be that I was to  “blame” because I could no longer function in the role as the “family peacemaker” (that’s a positive perspective).    But it could be that I did participate (if unconsciously) in “fixing” and no one wants to be fixed… I mean if we need to be fixed then the inference is….we are broke.  Maybe that is where the resentment and source of conflict lies…  It may also be that my family is a group of people with very different like and dislikes, moral beliefs and expectations…and we really have no common ground to meet and connect and/or interest in making attempts are resolving our differences.  I really have no answers at this point.  I am still waiting to get better in order to  work with clarity on how to process it all.  I suspect that there are many deep and unresolved issues…it will probably take me (ad others) a long time to find some peace and healing.  I am not willing to sugar coat it all or sweep it under the rug.  I want to find acceptance and ultimately…peace.  I admit I have no idea how to get to that place at this point.

 

I know that for me it is not only my genetics that may have played a role in my benzo dependency.  I have come to many realizations that so much of my behavior and feelings are a result of my family experience and along with a (perhaps) inherited disposition.  Over the past few decades I have been fiercely committed to healing my own “inner child” with various workshops and groups.  I know (or thought I knew) the extent of the damage done to me and my siblings (and consequently to my own children) during our childhoods and sought to resolve and heal them.  However since this benzo ordeal I can see that I was still caught up in trying to create a family that really never existed for me.  In many ways I was born an orphan.  I had the illusion of a family.  And because the truth of essentially being an orphan was so painful (and confusing since I had so many supposed family members around me) I did everything I could to avoid seeing (and feeling) this truth.  If I had never taken some xanax after my dear friend died and subsequently becoming dependent, I would still be dancing this dance.  And for me as scary as this w/d process has been it is even scarier to think I would still be caught up in an endless vicious circle of unconscious self loathing behavior. 

 

As a child I was the neighborhood babysitter and found comfort in the homes of other families.  Caring for others became a “port in the storm” for me.  It gave me meaning and comfort.  So for me having a large extended family around my Thanksgiving table was “heaven on earth”.  And normally I went to great lengths to insure the family circle was intact each year.  And finally I am realizing that because all of this FAMILY CIRCLE was about MY NEEDS this could may be the real culprit in why things never worked out…because it was all about MY NEEDS and somehow others could sense this and resent it.  Or maybe others are just not that interested in a strong loving family circle.  Maybe they don’t like or are uncomfortable with all the connection and interactions…And ultimately each person has a right to what they want in their life.  So I am lovingly letting it all go…with love and blessings.  I am tired of being hurt and angry.  And most importantly…I want to me to be enough for myself. 

 

So for the Holidays, I am taking it one day at a time as I am in the finals days of my taper.  I have a few invitations for dinner.  But I am making no commitments.  It may be that I need to spend the day alone with the one person that I had the good sense to choose as a companion in life, my dear loving and steadfast husband.  Sadly  I realize that he has often gotten the least of my attention as I knew he was true and committed to me.  And so it may be that this year we just order in Chinese and watch a good movie and eat our Thanksgiving dinner in bed…alone and …naked!!  Now that would be something to be Thankful for!

 

Anyway thanks for starting this thread and giving me an opportunity to write this all down.  It is a relief and a big release to get it all out in black and white.  If nothing else I can print it out and take it to my therapist! LOL 

 

I send all of my BB’s that are suffering in w/d as well as their family relationships profound wishes of continued healing and peace.

Love to you all,

Mimi

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Mimi.  Thanks for sharing some thoughts about your family and the upcoming holidays, as you taper towards your benzo freedom.  I agree that sometimes one wonders if one is really processing things well when one has that chemical benzo masking feelings and emotions.  Cog fog can be tricky.   It seems you have some very clear insights about the patterns of behavior that may have habitually reinforced expectations from family members regards to your role(s). Nobody ever likes it when one member makes a change away from the status quo. I learned that the hard way too.  People can get very angry when they no longer can rely on familiar support and compliance.  Well, too damn bad, eh?  Life is about evolving ourselves and hopefully our relationships as well.   I found the book "Codes of Love" by Mark Bryan to be helpful in trying to translate and interpret what are some very odd and dysfunctional things that go on with my sibling and his wife.  I try to be forgiving but sometimes I think it is healthier to step back and take some space to heal before making the next move.  I am at a loss much of the time as well about how to proceed. I don't know how to be in a relationship with people who are so angry, miserable, jealous, suspicious and accusatory.  Where is the common ground other than the blood running through our veins or a history that I sometimes think would best be forgotten?  Maybe it is best to let go if others are not interested in a healthy interaction.  I think it's healthy to examine one's own role in contributing to how relationships got to where they are, but I would not allow others to put all the onus on you Mimi.  It is normal to want to stay connected with your family.  Also, taking space now does not seal things permanently. Sometimes when one takes space and you appear less motivated, something interesting happens where the pursued becomes very uncomfortable with that change and they become the pursuer in the relationship.  I noticed that the less I was interested in seeing my brother this past summer, the more he seemed to try to push a get together.  I used to be the one who had to try and beg him to meet up so my son could see his cousins.   It finally got to a point where it just wasn't worth the hassle to me and my wife, at least last summer.  I can relate to being tired of being hurt and angry. Heck, I'm tired of being tired!

 

As to the topic of genetics playing a role in benzo dependency.  I'm sure you will find that you're not alone in this either.  The biological hereditary influence can snowball into an unhealthy environment as a result of dysfunctional parents, caregivers, siblings or other family members being around us when we were growing up. Seems like a natural thing to babysit and look for ways to build an extended family for yourself Mimi.  Family members like to throw around blame and say that you're selfish and it's all about you when in fact they are projecting their own selfishness.  There's nothing wrong with being a little selfish sometimes.  There's healthy self interest and then there's narcissism. I believe  there is a difference.

 

Well, I hope you have a joyful holiday season. Mimi.  You and your loving husband will have much to celebrate now and as the new year rolls in.

 

:smitten:

 

Vertigo (no more)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi all!

I'm back on the forum today after a difficult week...

Mtmimi, so much of what you say sounds familiar and yet different. First of all, let me say that my heart goes out to you for being such a brave and tender soul. I am an adult survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse and I will say that this is a badge that we wear around our hearts every day.

Most of my physical abuse came from my father before my parents divorced. I can recall being sent to the emergency room around the age of 10 because my father had gotten angry at me and through my off a bunk bed causing me a gash to the head.

After my mom left him, most of the abuse I suffered was emotional. I also became the peacemaker of the family. My dad just never had his act together in order to be a parent. he suffered terribly from depression and other issues. He made extremely bad life desicions. He remarried to a woman who had neurotic problems and had children who also had severe personality issues. When I was living with them, is when the role of peacemaker was confered to me. I would sit there and listen as my former step brother would throw tirades over hid idea that somehow the world owed him a living or so and so didn't treat him right, etc, etc. It was also 'my job' to make sure that my dad's wife felt well after coming home from work and also to make sure that the kitchen was cleaned up. I was the only one cleaning that kitchen for at least 3 years! Rarely were any of my physcological needs met or any life skills taught to me. I simply had to stumble through these as I grew older and boy, did I make blunders!

It is a real tragedy that people like us have had to endure such pain! One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is that by far, most of the self criticism or self loathing or worries that afflicted me as I grew older actually had anything to do with me personally. Those things were actually someone elses problem that was just being conferred onto me. It is of some comfort to me now to realize that I really wasn't such a horrible person as I thought I was. Where are these other people now? They are either passed on or still living in misery. I doublt seriously that they have gotten their acts together.

As to advise on how to deal with 'poisonous' family members? I simply don't have contact with any and this has saved me a lot of grief. Not to say that I still don't have isues going on currently, this is just not one of them.

However, I do find that whenever there's a serious problem going on that I don't have an answer to, I do lots of praying and ask God to take care of it for me. It seems that in life there are always going to be situations or problems that we are not going to be able to control or have an answer to and that's when the prayers come in... I do remember well that when my med imbalances struck me back in Nov 2008, I prayed fervently every day for an answer, even to the point of complaining! Sometimes , we don't get an answer right away or when we expect, but looking back, I realize that I did receive an answer and I am eternally thankful for that!

We do have a prayer board on the forum and I am going to make sure that you, MTmimi are included there. I have already included Vertigo on the board, but I am going to make sure that it is updated because he has a difficult family gathering to attend this week.

Above all, enjoy life as much as you can! Always try to be compassionate and patient with yourself. There are many self issues and ways of thinking that we all are going to have to work out. In the end, our patience, love and kindness for our fellow human beings will be the light that leads us to happiness!

Have a great weekend, and V, have a safe trip! I sent you a PM this morning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HI Pang

Thanks for your post.  I began to weep as I read it.  My heart also goes out to you and to so many that are struggling not only with a benzo w/d but so many painful experiences, memories and ongoing struggles with negative relationships.  Life is hard enough to navigate but in the throes of benzo withdrawal it can truly feel like you are walking within the depths of hell.  I think that by connecting here on BB and other benzo forums we almost become like old soldiers, true comrades in that we have walked a journey that no one on earth can comprehend unless they have been down this path... themselves.

 

I am able to see some positives.  Pam expressed it well on Quinns thread.  I have had to learn to put my health and wellbeing at the top of my list (as opposed to the bottom).  I can no longer indulge myself with caring what others think of me.  I have been FORCED (because it is the only way I will get benzo free) to make my health and well being a priority.  And that has been a profound healing for me.  I am also committed to not letting myself become bitter and angry.  I realize that in doing so I am still giving up my energy and spirit to negativity.  I hope that at the end of this journey I am just not free of benzos...I am free from a life that was other focused and self loathing in its roots.  I look forward to being thankful this Thanksgiving for being on the benzo journey.  In a way as hard and scary as it has been at times...I think if Ihad not gone through this...living my life as I had previously...is even MORE scary.

 

I sure an thankful for my fellow Benzo warriors whose courage and steadfast commitment to regaining their health and lives has been inspirational in moving me forward in reclaiming my true self on many many levels.

Happy Sunday!

Mimi

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Pange, Mimi and the rest.

 

Pange. I would say I'm sorry about the childhood abuse, but I'm gonna instead congratulate you on the survivor part :thumbsup:.   I am personally going to make it a goal for the upcoming holidays and new year to be less of a victim and focus more on the strength and coping skills that have been developed as a result of all we have accomplished in our benzo journeys and beyond. Your faith and commitment to your family, a higher power and your community as well as helping others here at BB are much appreciated Pange.

 

Mimi.  Connecting with caring and compassionate folks like you, Pange and other benzo buddies on forum have made it all worthwhile, ok "almost worth" ;D taking that first benzo. Yes, we are all comrades and it is the sense of community that Colin has fostered here at BB, that props us up when we're down or having difficult days, especially at this holiday season which can be a challenge for some folks.  Your words about finding a "true self" resonated with me Mimi.  As I approach a year off benzos, I am not looking to become my "old self" nor get back to my former pre benzo state although that seems to be the goal for some.  I agree that its more about evolving into a more self aware and compassionate self.  I wish you and all my benzobuddies a loving (both towards others and oneself)  holiday season.

 

:smitten:

 

Verti

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One more thing.  I'll be heading out for a trip to see my father and some other family in a few days, a prelude to start the holiday season for me.  I might not be on forum too much next week but I look forward to reading posts on this topic of how the holidays at this time of year may impact how others feel too!

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi V

 

Great topic and some excellent input, so well done all.

 

Since I've been on benzos i have found the holiday season (Christmas) very difficult, increased anxiety in the main and the feeling I'm not in control of events, as family and friends visit my isolated benzo world gets invaded and i find it difficult to cope. Then i get ranked with guilt at being this way, in the main regarding my daughter, feeling conflicted because i feel anxious at a time when i should be enjoying this special moment with her. Feeling like the world's worse father because I've missed so many school Christmas plays/concerts and family Christmas meals etc, i just feel I've let her down so badly and she will carry those memories with her forever, breaks my heart.

 

In general my family and friends are understanding and helpful, they each have their own ways of dealing with the situation, i think mostly they just feel like they have lost the old pre benzo me, the happy go lucky chap who loved Christmas, now there is just this shadow of my former self sat in a corner, wishing that it was all over and the anxiety would stop.

 

Well, V this has been a tough topic to think about, but it's nice to know there are others out there who understand, i just wish you had all been spared any pain and anxiety. My hope is this year you all have a great Christmas and for me and all others a benzo free New Year.

 

 

Kind regards

Peter

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Peter.  Thanks for your post.  I agree that the holiday season can be a difficult time to cope even without benzos to "worry" about.  No doubt there have been losses, things you have missed with your daughter growing up.  I also have some regrets about the last year when I was not fully present for my son.  Although it would be nice to be there for the plays or so called "bigger events", I really believe what matters is the time spent listening to our kids, validating them, making sure they grow up with a sense of confidence even if we've lost our way for the time being ourselves.  I have no doubt that your daughter knows you love her and would do about anything to help her if she needed it. Remember that your daugher has some positive memories of the bonding you have done even if only at your home or close by.  It's not about the location, but the quality of the time spent wherever you are.  Try to keep some focus on the next ten years rather than looking back to the past ten years.  There is something special at this time of year that I hope we can try to enjoy, despite the challenges of a benzo taper or post taper experience.  Kids often want to spend time with us.  There are plenty of kids who go on fancy trips at Xmas time who feel alone and unheard.  Sure, it is natural to wonder how our friends might also be missing that happy go lucky Peter of the pre benzo days.  I think the essence of who you are is still there and will gradually emerge from the benzo abyss with each cut you make into 2011. Thanks for sharing some of your feelings about the holidays Peter.  Wishing you a peaceful holiday season and many blessings in 2011.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo (no more)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi all!

Peter, Vertigo has replied well to your concerns. I echo these sentiments. It was 2 years ago right after I had gone through the absolute toughest year of my life (having to deal with a nightmare estate, possible legal eposure, ongoing personal issues with family plus stress at work), that I suddenly found myself dealing with a severe med imbalance. This happened in Nov 2008 right before my birthday and Thanksgiving. Fall and the Holdiday season has always been my favorite time of year. Unfortunately, that particular year, I suffered terribly  deparately trying to figure out what was wrong with my nervous system. We also had what the weather service said was one of our all time deepest snow accumulations for this area of Washington which made traveling through town very difficult.

I had little or no feelings of enjoyment at that time and I felt so bad that I was letting my wife and family down. I really tried very hard to be enthusiastic about the Holidays that year with my kids but it just wasn't possible.

I will tell you Peter that kids (although they are very perceptive in ways we don't give them credit), are also very resilient and forgiving. They do realize that their parents are NOT perfect... They also instinctively are going to build more on the "good" memories of an event rather than any "bad" memories that may have occured. If I were to ask my kids now about "do you remember how bad Dad felt 2 years ago and how he didn't seem to be enjoying Christmas with you all?", they probably would not know what I was talking about exactly.

If there is one thing that ALL of us share on this forum, it is a deep sense of inner-awareness and this tends to make us more sensitive towards life than most people whether it is sensitivity towards positive or negative.

One hobby that I have had since being married is photography. I have kept scrapbooks of family photos through the years and I have all of these in chronological order. I have since looked back on the photos taken during that very difficult year of mine and especially towards the end when my inter dose wthdrawal appeared. I am going to tell you that there is no sign in these photos of an inner conflict. What I see is a family enjoying themselves tremendously amoung Christmas lights, good family meals, traveling  and celebration! I suppose this is what is called a 'healing of memories'. There is always some positive that exists amoung the bad times and I think that in any way you can, Peter, you would do well to re-discover the positive moments when all seemed bleak...I don't mean to marignalize what you've been through... it sounds like a rough experience (as was mine)... just try to view your family memories from a diffrenet point of view focusing on the positive times that you can remeber. That way, true healing of memories can occur!

By the way, thank you mtmimi, for the heartfelt reply to my post! Hope you are doing well and I hope that you enjoy this years Holidays as much as you can. Remember those 'healing of memories!"

Also thanks again to vertigo for starting this thread! It is my sincerest wish that you have a very nice Holiday season this year. You deserve it well!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All

I had just decided that this year I would forgo the Holidays for the most part.  I had made my peace with the thought that this would be the final sacrifice (and surrender) to this healing process.  I told myself  that there will be many Holidays to come in the future and I will treasure them even more for not having been able to partake in them as I have wanted over the past 2 years.  I have also come around to thinking that maybe it is time to find some ways to celebrate this time of year in a manner that is not so stressful and overwhelming.  How can I recreate this season and activities so that they are more meaningful and don’t take a toll on my health and well being.  So I began to reflect on exactly what do the Holidays really mean to me?  And I decided that I want to feel a spirit of joy and peace and set aside time to connect and feel especially close and thankful for all that I have experienced in my life and most importantly for those that I love. In the past I have spent so much time shopping cooking decorating that I realize I have not been able to fully embrace the more meaningful aspects.  I want to take time and savor each moment…and I realize in many ways…I just don’t know how to do this…

 

I did have an experience a few days ago that gave me some hope and I thought I would share as it is sweet and I am so happy to be able to share something on the positive note…for a change!  One of the biggest sorrows for me over the past year and a half has been not being able to spend time with my grandkids.  I feel especially bad as their parents have just divorced and I know they are sad and struggling and I want to be a loving spirit for them…but given my condition I have just not been present as much as I can or would like.  The past week the weather here in N California has been glorious so in the early evening I invited the kids over for a hot tub.  Their dad dropped them off and we sat in the tub and my husband brought us some snacks and my granddaughter who has been deathfully afraid and resisting learning to swim jumped to me completely unafraid and within a few minutes was dog paddling on her own.  She was so happy and proud and we all clapped and cheered her on.  So I said, “well here we are living in one of the most beautiful places on earth, having a delicious snack, Ruby is swimming on her own on such a beautiful evening…what could be more perfect?”  To which my grandson answered, “well we could see a unicorn”!  And we all just laughed and laughed. 

 

I am so thankful to be feeling well again.  I will never take these  seemingly small but meaningful moments for granted…ever again.  I think I will dedicate my Holiday to finding and creating these small moments together.

 

I hope you are all feeling well and healing each day!

Love and peace to you all

Mimi

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will tell you Peter that kids (although they are very perceptive in ways we don't give them credit), are also very resilient and forgiving. They do realize that their parents are NOT perfect... They also instinctively are going to build more on the "good" memories of an event rather than any "bad" memories that may have occured. If I were to ask my kids now about "do you remember how bad Dad felt 2 years ago and how he didn't seem to be enjoying Christmas with you all?", they probably would not know what I was talking about exactly.

 

So true Pange.  Kids really do seem to have an easier way of forgetting and forgiving painful circumstances.  We can learn a lot from them.  As Thanksgiving approaches, we can hopefully turn to the holidays with some gratitude even for a small thing or two, and welcome the new year with some hope and optimism that things can and will improve.  Thank you for sharing your story about your grandchildren,  Mimi.  It was so good to hear that you found joy in spending simple time outdoors with them.  No doubt, those will be happy memories that Ruby and your family  will have for many years to come.  We could all use some happy times that will become fond memories to look back on.  I sincerely hope some of you all will have opportunity to make those memories at this holiday season.

 

Best wishes,

 

V

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All -

 

This is a very interesting and moving topic you have going on

here ... even when NOT dealing with benzo stuff, the holidays are

hard for alot of us. You who have alot of loving family, count yourselves

lucky.  Many of us have very scant family if any....the loneliness of which

is more pronounced at this time of year.  I used to love the holidays,

but I am rather weary of them at this time in my life.  I am almost

done with my taper....and doing quite well....But my anxiety and

some insomnia have come back due to a very sad family situation. I

have an infant grandbaby...my daughter's child, her first. She loves

the baby with all her heart, but unfortunately her husband drinks and

since the arrival of his son, he has gotten much worse.  I thought I

was over the anxiety symptoms with my low dose of benzos, but not so.

This situation and my worry for my daughter and the baby has brought

back these symptoms. The hubby is not a bad guy...very sweet and OK

when sober....pretty awful when drunk....& he's now having blackouts.

 

I have to say, though, that having been thru this last 16 months of

benzo hell, I have come to see myself as a very strong and resilient

person. Let's face it, once you've been thru the benzo "ride", you

come out the other end with strength you didn't know you had....at

least it's that way for me. I also feel like the "grinch", in that this

whole process has allowed my heart to grow a couple sizes larger...difficult

as it may have been.  I find that without benzos in my life, or alcohol,

I have no method of escape anymore...I have to just deal with stuff, the

good and the not-so-good...in the best way I can. I have had some times

lately where an icy martini or an Ativan sounds like Heaven...but I won't

go that route....so instead, I just try not to sweat the small stuff

and take big stuff one day at a time....while being as compassionate

& kind as I can possibly be to my mixed up little self.

 

This all being said, I hope all you BB find comfort and peace somewhere

during the holidays. We sure do deserve a little happiness & joy in our

lives about now. Thanks for listening....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Holidays are really hard here in Japan.  ZERO Christmas spirit, it is just reduced to a facade...............they start taking the decorations down at lunchtime on Christmas day.

 

Halloween too.  Seeing people dressed up being harassed by racists carrying placards saying things like "this is Japan, we don't need your white festivals" and the like just really drives home how this isn't home and never can be.

 

 

Holidays are hard.

 

 

I'm praying that this will be my last one away from home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've always loved the holidays, especially Thanksgiving.  Every year of my life I've spent them with family and had a wonderful time.  However last Summer my parents moved several thousand miles away to Colorado (to be closer to help my sister with her child) so this will be the first holiday season without them.  Combine that with benzo w/d and this year Thanksgiving and Christmas might be kind of sad for me.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Lovepema, Amano, Cwj and the rest.   Congrats Lovepema on the birth of your grandchild. Sorry to read about your son in law's trouble with alcohol.   I sincerely hope that he will find a way to manage his addiction responsibly. Glad to read that you have thus far resisted the urge to go backwards to ativan and a drink.  I want to make one comment about anxiety.  I think you mentioned that you had hoped you were done with anxiety as you get down to the end of your taper.  I think it is very important to recognize that anxiety is not going to disappear with the end of taper.  In fact, it very possibly will increase as you will no longer have a tiny pill to mask emotions and reactions.  Some folks even get a temporary higher anxiety in the first months off benzos.  So just want you to be aware of that. In addition, as one who first took a benzo to help with anxiety and insomnia, I can say that anxiety has not gone away but I have learned some ways to change my relationship to anxious thoughts.  I highly recommend the book "Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety" by Forsyth and Eifert, available on Amazon.  Thanks for your post,   I think you're right in that we all can gain strength through our experience with benzos, even though the holidays can present some real challenges.

 

Amano, sorry you are feeling a lack of Xmas spirit in Japan. It seems like you are feeling homesick and could really benefit from a visit back to your home country if not a more permanent move back.  Regarding the reaction of a few trouble makers at Halloween, I don't think one can overgeneralize about all Japanese regarding their rejection of "white" holidays.  The fact is that Japan has a mixed reaction to the influences of the West.  It can be a kind of love/hate relationship like a big brother and younger brother.  At times, the Japanese overtook big America with their booming economy in the eighties but fell back to reality with the bubble burst.  We of course have had our own economic downturns.  I think it is important to try and not overgeneralize about all people of a country.  There are going to be racists and extremists wherever you go, including England.  I hope you will be able to find some joy during the holiday season.  You certainly have come a long way towards recovery after your c/t last summer.  Best wishes and Happy Holidays.

 

Thanks for sharing some feelings about the holidays and benzo withdrawal.  Sorry to hear you won't be able to spend the holidays this year with family members who have moved.  It will be difficult.  Maybe you can get going with Scype or other free video so you can at least see some of your family virtually.

 

Best wishes for the coming holidays and Thanksgiving,

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


×
×
  • Create New...