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Does this get any better? Please, tell me it does.


[Be...]

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Hello. I'm in my 13th day of cold-turkeying 600 mg diazepam. I had no other choice, as I ran out of money, and tapering didn't work with me this time. I would taper, and then hyperdose again in certain instances. Anyway, I don't have any cravings for diazepam, but my life is hell. Can anyone relate to that? Hell, not kidding. I'm suffering from extreme psychological symptoms, such as derealization/dissociation, mind fog, extreme emotional sensitivity, tiredness, extreme perceptual distortions (it feels as though I'm not even alive but banished in hell, and somehow "existing"). Tomorrow I start university and it's going to be quite a challenge. When does it get better? Does it get better? I can be more descriptive of what I'm experiencing to anyone who can share their story and/or can relate to this.

 

Please, tell me the brain recovers. How will it happen because so far each day is worse.  :'(

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Oh you are in the thick of the intensity of it. I think I can answer for all of us on here that we have all experienced what you are describing. Hell is a pretty accurate description.

But remember that ppl do recover....think of Pamster - she too was a cold turkey. She's good now. I can name so many other members that are good now and went through a lot..

I just did 7 months..still healing for sure but I see good changes, so healing is happening. Windows and waves are a very real thing...remember this is a marathon not a sprint. But every marathon has a finish line.  ;)

 

I'm concerned about you starting university right now. Is there a way you can put it off for a semester? Or maybe just do one class? It is good to have distractions in recovery but I'm wondering if it will be too much for you right now?

 

It does get better, but you need to reach deep right now..deeper than you ever knew possible - you have it in you. Take it day by day, moment by moment if necessary. You will not always feel this way.

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Thank you so much, Trina!  :smitten:

 

Windows and waves, okay. Got ya. Will remember that  :)

 

I have to start uni because there's nothing else for me to do. I don't have to pass most of the exams as I've passed them in previous years.

 

I am trying. To reach deep inside of me. It's just a hideous way of living right now, and nothing else can do justice to describing it. Yes, hell indeed. I feel almost blind by the withdrawal. Sometimes I'll look into the dark and see lights of blue, purple, green and other stuff, reminding me my entire nervous system is fried. But yeah, small steps... I'm sorry if I sounded too negative. It's just getting worse every day.  :-\

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When in "hell" say to yourself, " I am healing. I am safe. this will pass".  Because its true.

 

I can watch tv again, drive, handle people, go to a store(but this is sometimes hard on me), mild physical activity, make phone calls/appointments.

I've laughed till I cried again. Able to be intimate again.

 

Now when a wave hits, it can be really intense. These days make you almost forget you ever had a good day again, or make you think you are getting worse. Its not true. When they say this is the most non-linear healing pattern that goes back and forth - its crazy but real.

 

We are here for you, and will reassure you a million times if necessary that you are healing. We all take turns needing reassurance on here. 

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Sorry to say but will probably get worse before it gets better. My 1st month after CT wasn't as bad as months 2 and 3. The worst is behind me now I think, although returned to work today 50% and absolutely worn out, DR. It does get better tho
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Yes,  it gets better.

 

All of the "damage" caused by Benzos is temporary.

 

Early on, it seems permanent, but later as you get windows and relief, it becomes much more manageable

 

Remember that "acute withdrawal" lasts 30-90 days for most.

 

As others have said, months 1-3 off were much easier for me than months 4-12.

 

You'll get there.  Time is the healer.  However, there is no way to speed up time and the healing process.

 

There are no magic potions, pills, shortcuts, herbs or supplements to take that will speed up the healing and recovery process.

 

But the good news is that time always passes no matter what!

 

 

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@[tr...]

 

Thank you, yes, I'll try to believe it! You guys are saying it's not permanent, so it has to be true. I'm so sorry to hear about the waves. They will probably become more sporadic as you get more time under your belt in recovery  :thumbsup: That part about being intimate again, hah, yes! I understand you because right now I feel as if I've been born anew, with the pain of a newborn but a grown-up man. And it's weird because it feels as if I've never talked to anybody and I'm a complete alien on this planet. So, i can't be intimate now, that's for sure. Hope it will pass. Everything's like you're learning to live anew on an alien planet.

 

@Having a mare

 

Okay, it's nice to keep that in mind. Sorry to hear about your derealisation and tiredness. I completely understand - I feel like that all the time  :(

 

@ThEwAy2

 

Thank you  :smitten: I can't wait until I get these windows everyone's talking about. I'll never forget this experience. As an addict, I have to say I've truly learned my lesson this time. Yeah, I know I probably can't speed up the process. All I want to know is that there IS a process. A healing process. I'll just have to tolerate as much as possible for now.

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I promise these dreadful feelings & physical hell won’t last forever, the fact you can write out messages on benzo buddies is a great sign.  I felt like I was wading through hell, I pleaded with god for it all to stop - to take me home.  I promise you will get better & this won’t last forever.  Please be kind to yourself. Eat good Nutritious food, think nice thoughts as much as you can. Treat yourself like you would your own best friend.  If you can sever this semester at uni - do so. Limit any kind of stress as stress only amplified symptoms.  You’ll get through this.
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[90...]

Unlike many here I don't support cold-turkey. Nobody should have to suffer like that, and more importantly it's incredibly dangerous and can cause some long-term or permanent damage. Sometimes after a cold-turkey reinstatement is possible only with a higher dose than the one from which you cold-turkeyed from (if it works at all), but many times whether it's a benzo or an SSRI tolerance rapidly falls and it's possible to rein in withdrawal symptoms with only a fraction of the original dose.

 

http://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

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Unlike many here I don't support cold-turkey. Nobody should have to suffer like that, and more importantly it's incredibly dangerous and can cause some long-term or permanent damage. Sometimes after a cold-turkey reinstatement is possible only with a higher dose than the one from which you cold-turkeyed from (if it works at all), but many times whether it's a benzo or an SSRI tolerance rapidly falls and it's possible to rein in withdrawal symptoms with only a fraction of the original dose.

 

http://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

Wish I'd known that 3 years ago. Would have saved myself a lot of pain

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[90...]

Wish I'd known that 3 years ago. Would have saved myself a lot of pain

It certainly doesn't help that psychiatrists are clueless and we only learn all this stuff once it's no longer of help to us.

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@[pa...]

 

I had no other option. I had to quit because my liver enzymes were off the charts. I also believe that I should have tapered now, but it's too late. We were also becoming too poor, so we really had no other choice. I wouldn't have been able to order more benzos. I threw away my stash in the garbage bin. I have to believe it's going to get better one day. If it doesn't, I probably would reinstate and taper, but as you pointed out, reinstatement doesn't always work. My psychiatrist was vehement that cold turkey will be good for me and that symptoms last for a few days. Little did he know that symptoms get progressively worse as more time elapses. He's completely clueless and won't be of much help to me at all. I hate that doctors did that to me when I was a teenager, and I hate myself for relapsing at 27 when my life was going to be okay without benzos. Still, doctors put those pills in my mouth first. Now I have to suffer for the rest of my life.

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[90...]
Yeah, I'm aware of your story. At one moment I suggested that you switch to higher potency benzo like clonazepam (or delorazepam) to taper until you reach more manageable doses in diazepam. Unfortunately your psychiatrist wasn't up to it. There was a member who cold-turkeyed off of even higher diazepam equivalent dose than you (he was on higher potency benzos) and reinstated successfully at a much lower dose. So, while it's a gamble, it's definitively doable.
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Thank you for sharing that story, pacenik. I will definitely consider it once I save more money, so that I can actually buy the benzos. My mother is so happy I quit despite not knowing at all that my life is now much worse than before. One piece of advice if you quit cold turkey - do NOT share with others what you're going through, as they won't understand at all or feel compassionate towards you. My own dermatologist said I was making things up in my head when I casually remarked I had benzo withdrawal.

 

I'm starting to consider reinstatement as an only option to improve my life, so that at least I can be functional. Yes, even coordination is a problem, as I struggle to type or hold my fork. It's one thing to suffer through the pain, but when you're physically disabled to live life, what do people want from us? To somehow perform miracles? It's not going to happen. I'll really think about this and speak with my mother, who will severely disapprove of the idea, but if she wants me to become my old self again, there might not be another option. I was doing well when I was tapering, except that my psychiatrist kept encouraging cold turkeying or fast tapering. He really doesn't understand benzo addiction and withdrawal despite being a professional in his own field. I find that mind-boggling. I don't even talk to him anymore. He's not helpful at all.

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It's absolutely shocking these so called professionals have no idea of what these drugs are doing to people. Surely it's their job to know
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[90...]

It's absolutely shocking these so called professionals have no idea of what these drugs are doing to people. Surely it's their job to know

They understand only withdrawal from street drugs, and as far as they're concerned drugs that they're prescribing aren't habit forming if taken as prescribed, which is of course, a bunch of hokum. Drugs that they're prescribing are infinitely worse than street drugs and there are no developed methods for getting off of them, or healing the damage that they cause.

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I'm starting to consider reinstatement as an only option to improve my life

 

 

BenzoMutant, please consider this carefully.  I've watched your struggles to taper since I rejoined the forum a year ago, you may have had better quality of life when you were on the high doses but you were constantly disappointed in yourself for not being able to taper.  I know you're suffering, I know your pain but I also know that what you're doing is noble, you're doing now what you haven't been able to do before.

 

I and we will support whatever you decide to do but reinstatement could lead to greater health risks if you're unable to taper and resume your high doses.  I'm also not sure if ordering more benzo's means obtaining them illegally, so not only am I concerned for your health, I also fear for your safety in terms of legal issues as well as obtaining tainted drugs. 

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Pamtser, thank you so much for trying to guide me into the right path. It's just so discouraging when you see people on the board who have quit cold turkey and are still struggling with symptoms years down the road. The drugs that I would be obtaining are not tainted, but yeah, they may be illegally procured, so to speak. I was completely on board to quit cold-turkey until my condition got so bad, I can barely function. How am I supposed to study or work? I know there are people like you and trina who have improved with time, and I should probably listen to you and wait it out, and I would if I knew this WILL get better. Maybe I'm being impatient. In any case, I don't have any other option but to continue my existence like a lobotomized zombie until I save money for lorazepam or clonazepam. All I know is if I don't get any better in 6 months, I probably will never get better. I don't know. I need to be an optimist, I know that. But it's just so difficult when your hands are shaking (on top of all other symptoms and they are a lot) and you can't even eat properly due to lack of coordination.  :( It's like I'm not even real.
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I was lucky in a way, I didn't know what was happening to me because I didn't find out the truth about my condition until I found BenzoBuddies 5 months later.  By that time I'd gone through the worst of it and while discouraging, I didn't know the doubt you're feeling because you've seen first hand the suffering that can go on for years, ignorance was bliss so to speak.

 

I've seen your writing, I've seen your understanding of yourself and this process and this is how I know that this isn't you talking right now, this is the drug withdrawal.  You made an informed decision to quit cold turkey but now the drug is guiding your thinking, my hope is that you'll let those who have been through exactly what you're going through guide you back to yourself. 

 

This is the last time I'm going to appeal to you to stay the course because I don't want you to feel I'm judging you, I'm not.  I know your pain and I'm also aware of your youth which makes it more difficult to see the long term consequences of the choices you make.

 

I wish you peace and will continue to root for your recovery, no matter what form it takes.

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I was the same, didn't really understand what was going on, thought I'd be ok in a week or 2. By the time I came across BB and tried to reinstate to taper it was too late. I certainly wouldn't condemn anyone for reinstating to taper. CT is not nice, but then you have to consider that a taper might not prove to be any better.

 

If you are serious about it you need to do something soon because the window of opportunity might close

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Thank you both. I will see what will come of it. For now, I don't have the financial means to even buy benzos, which proves problematic. I will just try to recover this way while trying to save money.
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[90...]
I know that you've been through hell and back Pamster but you are speaking in hindsight and fully healed, without all the fear and uncertainty. In the thick of suffering if you could have eased your suffering you certainly would have, would you not? I for one regret my stupid decision not to reinstate back when it was safe to do so (I felt frustrated that setback completely ruined my taper right at the end of taper and decided to ride it out with alternative treatments, which in hindsight was a mistake). Of course, the elephant in the room is the fact that unlike most of us here, BenzoMutant has an actual addiction problem (hence the huge doses), but addict or no, cold-turkey is still not safe, and not a way to go. I wouldn't even recommend medical ultra-rapid detox with flumazenil, but at least then you're on put on adjuvant drugs (such as oxcarbazepine, or lamotrigine) and monitored by medical personnel.
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I know that you've been through hell and back Pamster but you are speaking in hindsight and fully healed, without all the fear and uncertainty. In the thick of suffering if you could have eased your suffering you certainly would have, would you not? I for one regret my stupid decision not to reinstate back when it was safe to do so (I felt frustrated that setback completely ruined my taper right at the end of taper and decided to ride it out with alternative treatments, which in hindsight was a mistake). Of course, the elephant in the room is the fact that unlike most of us here, BenzoMutant has an actual addiction problem (hence the huge doses), but addict or no, cold-turkey is still not safe, and not a way to go. I wouldn't even recommend medical ultra-rapid detox with flumazenil, but at least then you're on put on adjuvant drugs (such as oxcarbazepine, or lamotrigine) and monitored by medical personnel.

 

I agree with you pacenik, cold turkey is not safe, not recommended and painful, please believe me when I say I'm very uncomfortable supporting BenzoMutant's original decision to quit cold turkey.  But as you mention, the difference is addiction and that must be factored in when talking about tapering.  Some of us are incapable of doing this, I didn't know the drug needed to be tapered when I quit, I thought I could do with it as I did with alcohol, just quit.  When I found BenzoBuddies and learned about tapering, I know for a fact I wouldn't have been able to do it. 

 

Forgive me BenzoMutant for discussing you now but from what I've seen by watching his progress log for the last year, I fear he may be too much like me.  This brings me to worry about his liver which he's mentioned is compromised, it also leads me to fear for increased tolerance to already high doses leading to even higher.  Bring into the conversation his intent to purchase the drug has me fearing for his possible loss of freedom which would undoubtedly lead to a forced rapid taper. 

 

I don't have the answers for BenzoMutant or anyone else, I'm basing my comments on my own experience so take them for what they are, no more or less than what other members post to these boards. 

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[90...]

I agree with you pacenik, cold turkey is not safe, not recommended and painful, please believe me when I say I'm very uncomfortable supporting BenzoMutant's original decision to quit cold turkey.  But as you mention, the difference is addiction and that must be factored in when talking about tapering.  Some of us are incapable of doing this, I didn't know the drug needed to be tapered when I quit, I thought I could do with it as I did with alcohol, just quit.  When I found BenzoBuddies and learned about tapering, I know for a fact I wouldn't have been able to do it. 

 

Forgive me BenzoMutant for discussing you now but from what I've seen by watching his progress log for the last year, I fear he may be too much like me.  This brings me to worry about his liver which he's mentioned is compromised, it also leads me to fear for increased tolerance to already high doses leading to even higher.  Bring into the conversation his intent to purchase the drug has me fearing for his possible loss of freedom which would undoubtedly lead to a forced rapid taper. 

 

I don't have the answers for BenzoMutant or anyone else, I'm basing my comments on my own experience so take them for what they are, no more or less than what other members post to these boards.

I agree that tendency towards binging is very worrisome, but I don't know. Cold-turkeying and not having any sort of support it just seems awful. I have all the support in the world and it's still awful, but I cannot imagine going through it without any sort of support.

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Sending strength and encouragement Benzomutant...

 

There were some things I wanted to say, but Pamster got every one of them I think..

We all just want you to make it and live the life we see within you..

 

My thoughts are with you...

:)

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