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16 Months free of Diazepam/Valium


[Ba...]

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Today is the 4th October 2020...and... I am...

16 Months off of everything, where am I today, how do I feel, what symptoms have gone and what remains?

I took all sort of antidepressants and benzos over many years, a steady use of diazepam (10mg daily) and amitriptyline (120mg daily) is what made me ill. I thought I could just take them forever, then I wouldn’t have to ever withdrawal? it doesn’t work like that, I hit tolerance! What’s that, well most of you probably know, but if you don’t it’s when the drugs don’t work anymore, I believe that we all will hit tolerance eventually and if you get there while you’re still taking the pills then it’s trouble. (An easy example of hitting tolerance is when you used to get drunk on half a beer and then years later you don’t seem to get drunk on half a beer no more.) When I hit tolerance I just stopped them, I tried this with the amitriptyline 3 years earlier and ended up in a serious way and feel that it still affects me today. Eventually I had to fast taper these, last dose March 2018 and Valium CT last dose 2nd June 2019

So as of today I feel like I’m stuck and not getting better, but I will quickly say (from my point of view) that this isn’t quite true, as it’s part of the illness or recovery is that it makes you think that you are not healing or make you feel like you are stuck or even getting worse. At three months out I felt so sick, but that’s ok because today I can look back over the months and very clearly see that I have gotten so much better. It’s still so odd though because at 12 months I thought I was completely fixed, I wasn’t and that’s because it’s also non linear, one step forward, three back, two sideways, one forwards and then two forwards. Last week I was a lot better than I am today, so this just proves one point and that is I am still in recovery.

Some of my symptoms have gone, others remain and some have just morphed. In the early months I had a lot of mental stuff going on, nowadays it seems to be mostly physical, but everything is a lot less!

Anxiety hit me hard at first, then agoraphobia, suicidal thoughts, panic, palpitations, strange mental feelings, fear of dying!, depression, crying spells, nightmares, insomnia, hot and cold, fear, tinnitus, teeth pain, feeling very unwell, stomach cramping, wind and all sorts of stomach pains, diarrhoea, constipation and I still have these stomach problems today but I blame this on my drinking days, although I’m regular with my bowels now and haven’t know this in many years. (I’m an alcoholic but haven’t touched a drop in 15 years.) So other physical stuff is various body pains, (shooting, stabbing, tingling, burning, numbness, etc) mostly in my legs but can be anywhere, they come and go without reason, I still have this today but all of it is much less and not so often, typical windows and waves pattern. It’s not a full list and I never try to remember too much, I don’t count symptoms or read about them, this list is just off the top of my head.

Anyway...I’m so much happier nowadays! I don’t think about suicide, depression has gone, no anxiety for a long time now. I only had agoraphobia for a few months and I don’t feel I will be like that again. My sleep is still not solid and I feel that’s an age thing, I’m 57 so I don’t expect to feel like a 25 year old. In fact just about most symptoms have gone or hardly bother me, i used to itch my hands terribly in the evenings, (oddly only evenings) every night for hours, again it’s just rare now and only for 10 minutes and then it’s gone!

So am I better? I’m getting better! That’s a fact! In other words I’m not getting worse! So if I feel I’m stuck or getting worse then I can realise nowadays that this is not true because I can just look back on how bad I was a year ago, in fact I was very much worse five years ago when I was full on with all sorts of pills but I just thought I was ok. I used to think and feel that I didn’t have many years left in me to live, today I just feel I will live a lot lot longer. I know that to be free of all pills is healing me, I look and feel so much better, I feel alive and wake up happy and hungry, I shower and head out for the day without the need or feeling for any pills, drugs or drink, it’s a great feeling to be proud of myself once again. I will recover fully and so will you, even if you don’t believe it, that’s one of the worst mind tricks benzos can play on you. You will get better, you will heal, you will recover absolutely, trust, hope and God bless.

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  • 2 weeks later...
This is a really inspiring post, well done bananaman! Really impressive that you are fighting this fight after so kind and width so many achievements. Great to hear the details of what you have done and experienced, too.
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Healing.

 

I woke this morning at about 5:30am as I have done so lately and realised that my sleep has improved so much over the many months, it’s a very gradual improvement and the sleep is a good type of sleep, no real full on wakefulness anymore, nothing like insomnia, just a little restless one or twice throughout the night, but still in a docile state and quite at rest, about normal for my age.

It’s good sleep nowadays and this is an example of how the rest of my mind and body has recovered, a very slow subtle and gradual healing of everything.

I still have core lingering symptoms but this I can except more easily today as this has also improved and it’s a sure signal to myself that I am  truly recovering, albeit very gradually but nevertheless it’s recovery!

Because I’m heading in the right direction I can now fully except the hours or days when I don’t quite feel myself, or whenever I feel negative about life I can be reassured that all will be healed eventually. It’s a slow progression, but so was the degenerate slope when I started on those benzos, because I never quite noticed as I became very slowly sick.

Have faith, hope will keep you strong and time is the healer!

 

16 months clean.

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JGT73

 

Thank you and I hope it helps you and others to heal.

I will fight the benzo devil until I win.

Never ever give up hope!

Good luck and God bless.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi kanoba...

 

Thank you for your kind words.

We all need a little encouragement to help us through to recovery.

Hold on tight and keep up the fight.

Never give up on hope!

 

Good luck and God bless...Banana Man.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Happy Thanksgiving to all BB's.

 

I am now 20+ months free and like Banana Man and Kanoba life has improved a lot. My sleep is much better that early on in my journey. When I sleep well I almost feel "normal". It feels good to feel good!!!

 

Time and Hope is the key! Keep up the fight and know that many before us have healed or at a minimum experienced great healing.

 

Congrats and keep us posted.

J

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  • 3 months later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Givemehope68

 

Thank you for your positive thoughts and feelings.

Yes we will continue to work through this tough chapter of our lives, I’m sure that not only will we heal fully but also will become a stronger, fitter, happier person and without the burden of pills in our lives.

 

All my prayers and blessings to you...

Banana Man.

 

I’m just coming up to the 22 month mark and feeling rather well  ;)

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[a9...]

That’s so great to know.  I am having whole days with mild sx and evenings are pretty good.  Just keep going.  It will be better enough to move on.

 

Take care and update as you can

 

G

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