That amazing round number: 76 days off!

76 days since last seizure and being admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Stuff I feel pretty pleased about: (1) longest I have gone without a benzo in 7 years; (2) ditto longest gone without codeine, alcohol, xanax. (3) sleep a bit better; (4) managed to have some nice days out with my son; (5) managed to see a few friends.

 

God knows there have been some dreadful days too- the biggest challenge has been getting my head around the fact that progression most definitely isn't linear. Some HUGE crashes. That's ok, though, because, after the seizures and the hospital, it belatedly became clear that if I hadn't gone down this detox path, I probably would have been dead by now. Certainly, the doctor implied that I was lucky to survive the last seizures and subsequent "episode". So I guess what I am really celebrating is just being still on the planet and able to type this.

 

Sending everyone a lot of love and strength to carry on.

JGT73, kudos to for your 76 days!  That is huge!

Thank you! It's been a bumpy ride, but I am sticking with it. In reality, this is probably the biggest thing I have achieved this decade. It's certainly the hardest.

I think this is my favorite post of the day, thank you JGT! 

Congrats on your 76 days off, may your healing continue and glad that you found BB. Stay Strong.

 

💖 Peace and Healing.

Thank you! It's been a bumpy ride, but I am sticking with it. In reality, this is probably the biggest thing I have achieved this decade. It's certainly the hardest.

 

Oh wow JGT73, I can so relate to this!  In terms of achievements, getting off benzos and alcohol for me was rivaled only by passing a very difficult national certification for my career some years ago!!

 

Kate 

Congrats on your 76 days off, may your healing continue and glad that you found BB. Stay Strong.

 

Peace and Healing.

 

That's ever so kind of you, thank you BeGood! Giving up bennies in 2020 makes me chuckle about that old Airplane Meme: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop [insert problem here]". 

Thank you! It's been a bumpy ride, but I am sticking with it. In reality, this is probably the biggest thing I have achieved this decade. It's certainly the hardest.

 

Oh wow JGT73, I can so relate to this!  In terms of achievements, getting off benzos and alcohol for me was rivaled only by passing a very difficult national certification for my career some years ago!!

 

Kate 

 

Thanks Kate! Really appreciate it. Congratulations on beating both alcohol and benzos, and yes, there certainly is some comparison between the amount of mental focus and commitment required for passing professional exams. I'm hoping that my intellectual stamina will return soon- at the moment, I struggle to focus enough to read a book! But it's steady steps forward.

I think this is my favorite post of the day, thank you JGT! 

 

Thank you, Pamster! I really appreciate your support- it's so nice to make contact with people who understand why just getting this far is an achievement. Hoping to celebrate lots more anniversaries in future.

What are your current symptoms (if you are willing to share)? Considering your usage history and the rapid taper you appear to be pretty functional.

Wow you seem to be improved much quicker than a lot of people. I hope it stays this way for you and that you keep improving and heal completely! You are very brave. Never go back, life will only get better for you.

Awesome news JG! Keep up the good work & spirit 

What are your current symptoms (if you are willing to share)? Considering your usage history and the rapid taper you appear to be pretty functional.

 

Hi pacenik: Happy to share the main things of what I have (and what I don't have). The most significant symptoms by far at the moment (basically 2 1/2 months in) are possibly what one might expect: (1) really bad dizziness and balance; (2) muscle fatigue; (3) tinnitus; (4) dyspraxia; (5) lower threshold for anxiety triggers leading to racing heart on occasion; (6) increased light sensitivity; (7) minor respiratory suppression. To give you an idea of the magnitude of this in combination, I'm not able to hold down a job currently; I'm not able to undertake my postgraduate studies currently; socialising is a challenge, because I get very tired after a face-to-face chat. Texting seems easier for whatever reason, presumably because I am not having to make real-time facial expressions or respond in real time to the other half of the conversation. Not able to run at the moment, but that's because I'm in a bit of a trough, compared to a few days ago. I fully intend to get back to that at some point because even though it increases my heart rate, and also I am struggling with the breathing, when I could do it, it did feel good afterwards. 

 

Things that are still good, though- for whatever reason: I am not depressed or continually anxious in the way that I was. I only know this because I was keeping a daily mood diary for the year prior to coming off meds, and I have been also keeping a daily mood diary after, and it's remarkably different.  This may be due to also being alcohol and other meds free. Or it maybe because the after effects of the benzo withdrawl has somehow re-set the bit of the brain that controls the chemicals that impact on mood. I am not on anything at the moment- not even supplements, apart from occasional vitamin D. But I am also following the whole "be kind to yourself" rule, despite finding some popular CBT mantras a bit woolly. Specifically, I am much clearer about the whole -things I control and prioritise- versus -things I don't control/choose not to prioritise- at the moment. There's a tonne of stuff that I used to care about that I have just ditched, and it feels good to acknowledge that, inbetween the stuff that I don't control in life at the moment, and the stuff I choose not to prioritise- it's a bit of a relief. Don't get me wrong, the physical symptoms are bloody awful, but mentally and emotionally I seem to have a sense of acceptance that this is where I am for now, and as long as I have the basics covered- a good enough diet, the minimum amount of exercise, and a lot of good comedy boxsets- everything else can be parked for now. Let me know if you have any other questions. There is probably stuff I have forgotten. I guess the other thing I get strength from is that I've done a lot of drugs over the years, and whilst this come-down is the longest and worst, I recognise a lot of the symptoms from other come-downs, so I know what it is.

Wow you seem to be improved much quicker than a lot of people. I hope it stays this way for you and that you keep improving and heal completely! You are very brave. Never go back, life will only get better for you.

 

Thanks, Trying2BHopeful. I'm not sure if I am doing that much better than others, rather maybe I just have quite low expectations!  :laugh: I'm definitely having peaks and troughs, but just recognising the symptoms of what I have and knowing that it's all due to benzo withdrawl gives me a sense of acceptance. And also accepting that I am going to have to put a lot of life on hold for the coming months and just get better before I try and do some of the stuff that I used to take for granted. It's not much of a holiday, but on the plus side, I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about a load of stuff I used to worry about, and that is possibly the single most helpful thing I have done. Even the symptoms I have- just not worrying about them makes them bizarrely easier to cope with. The worst thing about it is that it's really boring!

Awesome news JG! Keep up the good work & spirit 

 

Thank you LadyDen! That's very kind of you! Hope you are having a good enough day too!

Wow you seem to be improved much quicker than a lot of people. I hope it stays this way for you and that you keep improving and heal completely! You are very brave. Never go back, life will only get better for you.

 

Thanks, Trying2BHopeful. I'm not sure if I am doing that much better than others, rather maybe I just have quite low expectations!  :laugh: I'm definitely having peaks and troughs, but just recognising the symptoms of what I have and knowing that it's all due to benzo withdrawl gives me a sense of acceptance. And also accepting that I am going to have to put a lot of life on hold for the coming months and just get better before I try and do some of the stuff that I used to take for granted. It's not much of a holiday, but on the plus side, I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about a load of stuff I used to worry about, and that is possibly the single most helpful thing I have done. Even the symptoms I have- just not worrying about them makes them bizarrely easier to cope with. The worst thing about it is that it's really boring!

 

I hope you don't mind JGT73 but I'm going to refer others to your post, your words and actions are powerful tools in this process, I wish I would have had your wisdom when I was recovering. 

Wow you seem to be improved much quicker than a lot of people. I hope it stays this way for you and that you keep improving and heal completely! You are very brave. Never go back, life will only get better for you.

 

Thanks, Trying2BHopeful. I'm not sure if I am doing that much better than others, rather maybe I just have quite low expectations!  :laugh: I'm definitely having peaks and troughs, but just recognising the symptoms of what I have and knowing that it's all due to benzo withdrawl gives me a sense of acceptance. And also accepting that I am going to have to put a lot of life on hold for the coming months and just get better before I try and do some of the stuff that I used to take for granted. It's not much of a holiday, but on the plus side, I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about a load of stuff I used to worry about, and that is possibly the single most helpful thing I have done. Even the symptoms I have- just not worrying about them makes them bizarrely easier to cope with. The worst thing about it is that it's really boring!

 

I hope you don't mind JGT73 but I'm going to refer others to your post, your words and actions are powerful tools in this process, I wish I would have had your wisdom when I was recovering. 

 

Thanks, Pamster! That's great- yes, very happy to share anything that may be helpful to others. I'm pretty new to this journey, but if there's stuff I have got through that is of use to others, I am very happy to share.

Wow, you are incredibly strong and a survivor!  Godspeed on the remainder of your journey through Benzoland

Wow, well done!  May the rest of your journey be filled with wide open windows, and teeny tiny waves if you encounter one :thumbsup:

Thanks gardenguru! I am guessing from your username that gardening is a passion. I find that the more time outside in nature, the better I feel, even if it's just sitting in the garden with 6 jumpers, a woolly hat and a raincoat! 🤣