Short-timer jumped yesterday/9 full months out update

It’s still difficult for me to believe that I was thrust into a nightmare experience after very short-term use, but at least I can now say that I am no longer putting a benzo into my body!  I jumped (not really a fitting word but there it is) yesterday and while I am nowhere close to where I was before this affair began—and nowhere close to where I was hoping I would be—I am at least off. 

 

What began as a little anxiety over another health concern turned into a Dr prescribing me a benzo (you know the line, “It’s a low dose and you don’t have to worry about addiction...”).  I trusted that line and ended up spiraling into anguish and the most fear-induced experience of my life, only to be then dismissed by the prescriber who I went back to for help when I knew something was horribly wrong.  And then I found BBs and realized that my experience was not isolated, and that gave me some solace knowing I wasn’t alone—it also makes me incredibly angry and sad. 

 

Finally armed with information (and validation) I pushed on, making mistakes in an already too fast taper, crashing and burning my way down, but the last two weeks have finally brought me some windows of my former self, moments of clarity which have become moments of hope.  I am holding on dearly to this, along with the successes of others that I’ve read here. 

 

For what it’s worth, I’m done.  Please let there be continued healing.  I wish the same for all of you. 

congrats sunshine! 

yes, you are right "it's a low dose blahblahbal" they have so far to  come

Great stuff Sunshine..!!

 

Onwards and upwards for sure..!!

 

congrats, sunshine! You're on your way to healing. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Buddies!  Today is 1 month out from my last dose and there IS healing and progress.  My husband and oldest daughter even notice the differences which is reassuring and a boon to our overall morale. 

 

A sign of good things happening included a last-minute decision two weekends ago to take our daughters on a mini getaway to the Shenandoah National Park for a little family getaway to see the fall foliage and do some hiking (something that we normally enjoyed as a family before this mess).  It was wonderfully NORMAL, and I was so thankful the entire time that I could still do these things as it would have been unthinkable even two months ago.  Of course, I had some symptoms, but nothing that deterred me or that I couldn't work through.  My husband and I also celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this week and while it definitely wasn't under circumstances we had planned for this year (pandemic and a benzo recovery), we still managed to celebrate the milestone and made a positive memory out of it. 

 

There are still the difficult moments of feeling broken and disheartened, especially when a wave hits after a long(er) period of feeling decent, but I have to just acknowledge that I am healing and this is part of the process. 

 

One month down and hopeful for continued improvements ahead!  I wish all my Buddies continued healing as well. 

 

Best,

 

Amanda

 

Aw, that’s so lovely. Happy for you! This process is so difficult and so hard to believe. I see that you had been on a benzo a decade before being put on it again. I believe that is probably why you reacted so horribly the second go around. Many of us have similar experiences and this phenomenon is called ‘kindling’, just in case you weren’t aware. It is so shocking how fast this can happen even to those who have never taken a benzo.

 

Anyways, congrats and I’m glad to hear it’s going well enough and you got out into nature! It’s so good to get this stuff out of our bodies finally. Congrats on 25 years as well that’s inspiring too! Best wishes for your healing.

Aw, that’s so lovely. Happy for you! This process is so difficult and so hard to believe. I see that you had been on a benzo a decade before being put on it again. I believe that is probably why you reacted so horribly the second go around. Many of us have similar experiences and this phenomenon is called ‘kindling’, just in case you weren’t aware. It is so shocking how fast this can happen even to those who have never taken a benzo.

 

Anyways, congrats and I’m glad to hear it’s going well enough and you got out into nature! It’s so good to get this stuff out of our bodies finally. Congrats on 25 years as well that’s inspiring too! Best wishes for your healing.

 

Thank you, Rose.  I agree, it is shocking and scary, still finding myself in disbelief.  So thankful for this forum.  I made sure to update my signature as realized after reading more here on the forum that it was indeed important to recognize that I had had exposure to a benzo before, even if it was over a decade ago and only sporadic use during that time.  I knew pretty quickly that something was wrong, that it had to be the med, but unfortunately had a Dr. who dismissed it and made me feel unsure of my suspicions.  I've had my fair share of the "if only..." moments, but what's done is done and I can only move forward. 

 

I appreciate the congrats and wish you well in return!

 

Amanda

Hi Sunshine

 

Another month gone by for you!  I hope you are healing more everyday 

Congratulations Sunshine! You did it!!! I'm so sorry this all happened after short term use for you, and I glad you found B  to affirm all your scary and painful experiences.  Wishing you continued healing and all open windows!❤

Dear Buddies,

 

I missed a 6 month check-in (as I had originally intended), so here I am having completed the entire 6th month and entered month 7.  I desperately want to say I am healed, but month 6 was a tough one and tested my patience for this process.

 

Month 5 was my best month with so many lovely windows even though life circumstances were difficult; sadly my MIL passed away unexpectedly from COVID19.  I was worried how I would handle that stressor in regard to withdrawal but my symptoms were a dull background noise when they appeared.  I am thankful for this.  My husband and my daughters needed me and I was able to be fully “present.”  However, month 6 began rough and then it was wave after wave with some new symptoms popping in and old ones coming back for a visit.  Nothing was bad enough that I couldn’t function though; I only had to stay close to home a couple times when it got too heavy-handed. Again, I am thankful for this, but it was challenging enough mentally that it kept my spirits low.  Forging on is what I did.

 

Yesterday things finally lightened up with today starting rough, but a lovely window appeared this early evening (only a whisper of symptoms in background) which prompted me to update my milestone.  I hope this window stays around awhile.  I’m enjoying riding it for now.

 

Sending peace and healing thoughts to all. 

sunshine75, you are at a similar time point and also short-timer like me. I think my first 6 months were a bit rougher because I stopped CT and I think I took more (didn't know better), but am finally getting a little relief after 12 horrid days.

 

What are your remaining symptoms? Mine are always the same few - anxiety/inner tension, depression, sleep difficulties with windows starting at 5-7pm and mornings the worst. I have some weird little things like head warmth, tingling on the scalp and body, and some skin stuff, but I barely even notice this.

 

Hoping for healing soon for both of us! Stay in touch!

sunshine75, you are at a similar time point and also short-timer like me. I think my first 6 months were a bit rougher because I stopped CT and I think I took more (didn't know better), but am finally getting a little relief after 12 horrid days.

 

What are your remaining symptoms? Mine are always the same few - anxiety/inner tension, depression, sleep difficulties with windows starting at 5-7pm and mornings the worst. I have some weird little things like head warmth, tingling on the scalp and body, and some skin stuff, but I barely even notice this.

 

Hoping for healing soon for both of us! Stay in touch!

 

fluffernutter,

 

I'm glad you are getting some relief!  I have to say that I finally am too after what was a very long month.  Had a little bit of a yucky, toxic morning, but much better this afternoon now.  Hoping this continues. 

 

My most persistent symptoms, ones that have not left at all are a scalded tongue feeling and a slight internal tremor.  These will fade away into the background when I am in a window, hardly bothering me at all, but they have never gone away.  One other thing is my sleep has not wholly returned, even in windows.  I am so much better though in this regard though--not like the insomnia or no sleep nights during rapid taper or the early days off where I could only get 2-3 hour stretches and slowly built back to 5-6 hours.  I just cannot break a 5-6 stretch now. I can often go back to sleep though (thank goodness!), but my days of yore when I could eke out 8-9 hours straight (dependent on our little one's schedule of course), is just not happening yet.  I also will still get the occasional night of very unsettling dreams/nightmares like I had early on. 

 

The other symptoms that still randomly pay me visits during waves but are not a constant nor do they ever visit at the same time are electrical sensations in my feet, body temperature regulation issues (freezing cold or feeling hot all of a sudden), circulation issues in fingers, icy/hot patches on skin, excessive saliva or extremely dry mouth, band-like headaches, looping anxious thoughts (I HATE when this decides to visit me) which correspond with emotional swings (depression that appears out of nowhere and those doom and gloom feelings), mild tinnitus & ear pressure, and cog fog.  The latter here is one of the frequent visitors and seems to come in varying degrees; sometimes it's like I can't multi-task in my head and am very easily distracted, other times I can have a moment where I struggle to even communicate, where I cannot string together basic ideas or words together.  When it lifts, everything is clear as a bell and firing on all cylinders no problem. 

 

Some new things that popped up this last month that I never had during the rapid taper or the first 5 months off were moments when my ears would randomly turn red (sometimes both ears, other times only one ear and this would last for a few minutes upwards of an hour) and a feeling in my throat like I had something stuck there or couldn't swallow.  Old symptoms that came back to visit all of a sudden after being gone since tapering were nausea, heart palps, muscle tightness across my back, pressure behind my right eye, and moments where I felt off balance.  These all showed up about midway through this last nasty wave and came and went for about a week before disappearing again.  Totally threw me for a loop. 

 

The up down, on off dosing in the beginning is what hurt me and by the time I figured things out, I had already experienced all the horror that the remaining taper was really just finally stabilizing after what my body had been through.  When month 5 came and things had lightened up with many more windows, I really thought I might be close to done.  Then month 6 hit and knocked me down mentally. 

 

I will indeed stay in touch and hope your relief stays around a while (like for good!). 

 

 

sunshine, I am glad you are getting relief too! Thank you for sharing your experience! It helps so much to hear what others are going through. Even though every withdrawal is unique, we definitely share a lot too. It's so weird how symptoms come and go, new ones come, some go away forever (or so you think). It's an awful rollercoaster!

 

My morning was toxic too. I feel so much better than even a few days ago, but I had this morning where I was just really angry. It was so weird and sort of scary. Then it just disappeared. It's weird because I will just feel sort of "off" like I can't put my finger on it. My brain feels almost hot - like my head feels heat coming off of it from my brain and my skin is not necessarily even warm.

 

For me, depression and anxiety are by far the worst symptoms. I don't sleep well either - 5 to 6 hours without help or 7.5 with 1mg mirtazepine, 2 puffs of indica plus CBD and 1/4 Unisom. Ugh! But when I sleep 5 hours I am so anxious and depressed and angry.

 

I have some new brain fog and periods of extreme fatigue over the past few weeks. I'll just feel like I can lay down and sleep but don't dare due to toxic naps!

 

I am so hoping to heal soon (as are we all!). I've never gotten enough time of normalcy to feel that I am close though. But, things are always changing! I do have several hours at night where I am back to normal. It's always a relief.

 

Hang in there and stay in touch!

9 MONTHS COMPLETED

 

This milestone is not rife with good tidings and positivity.  For that I apologize, but it is still a milestone in time, putting me farther away from the events that turned my life upside down. 

 

I completed my 9th month yesterday and entered 10 today.  It has not been a good run as of late.  I went from feeling hopeful, exercising pretty regularly (a real boon to my overall morale), and feeling like I had the hang of things, riding waves and confidant I was on my way to recovery soon.  Still unsure of what happened, if there is anything I can really nail down as to a cause, but I ended up experiencing some acute waves this past month, sending me back to the days of being destabilized during my rapid taper.  What is certain is that my hopeful meter was dialed back, my confidence shaken, and I am feeling battered and bruised again, licking my wounds. 

 

My baseline seems to have changed as a result of this past month.  Some Buddies have reported that this is a positive sign; however, I am not as convinced right now because it does not feel like a change for the better.  I am carrying on though, desperately trying to regain some semblance of hope again that this will all, one day, go away. 

 

Hi Sunshine, hang on... it feels dark, but light will start seeping back in, and healing will come. None of this makes sense, it defies logic and keeps us wondering if we are the exception to the rule of healing. It isn’t.... you WILL heal!

9 months is huge. You are stronger than you think... this will all be in the rear view mirror one day. Sending prayers of peace to you, no matter what the circumstances.

Hi Sunshine, you’ve come so far! I have had a little wobble for the worse in my baseline after a big wave in month 8, so I can completely relate to your fear and frustration. All we can do is support our bodies as best we can and trust the healing is happening. You’re doing great and all of this will be a memory one day. Hang in there!

 

Beauty

Marwegs & Beauty, thank you so much ladies for your support.  It really means a lot.  We certainly have endured quite a bit over the year, finding ourselves in uncertain and difficult circumstances for sure.  Even now, during a very bad spell, I am thankful I am not caught in those early days anymore.  I desperately hope though that things turn a corner soon as this difficult stretch has once again challenged me on a level I didn’t think possible again.  I wish you both healing, sooner than later!

sunshine, how are you? Are you having mostly physical stuff or mental too?

 

I am almost 8 months and mine is still 95% mental. Ugh.

 

Anyway, I hope you are improving over time. Cheering for you.