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Hello! I am new on here as of September 19, 2020


[JG...]

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Hello there- I have joined BenzoBuddies after reading that it was a good place to get support and also to share experiences and things that might help get through the process. In short, this is what led me to trying to get off Benzos and move on with my life:

 

Heavy alcohol use (binge drinking) from 17 years to 43 years old. Multiple recreational drug use (Marijuana, LSD, MDMA, speed, etc) from 17 years to 24 years. However, amazingly, I also got a couple of good degrees, managed to hold down successful, very interesting and high-powered jobs, travelled, lived abroad, maintain a reasonably active social life, meet a wonderful, intelligent young woman whom I later married, lived the high life, and generally functioned pretty well until 40, when- in retrospect- my alcohol had made me a bit of a jerk- or maybe it just exaccerbated that inate jerk that was in me all along! Suffice to say, the wife got understandably fed up and left, and that really knocked me for 6. I ended up on antidepressants (multiple SSRIs) and also Diazepam- initially at low dose (1mg). At first the Diaz worked and the SSRIs didn't. So I ditched the SSRIs, and stuck with the Diaz. But after the doc refused to renew my prescription, I was trawling the internet for sources. I could only find 10mg sources, so ended up going with them. The use crept up and by 2019 I was regularly on about 40mg a day, sometimes more. I had become disfunctional- had lost my job, and was very depressed. I was also taking Xanax and drinking, and sometimes taking Codeine as well (all off internet). I was in complete denial. Most days ended up me sleeping through them, not doing anything. I ran out of money and pills, and 3 days later had a massive seizure that was absolutely terrifying. I ended up being in a UK hospital for almost a month, as the aftermath of the seizures led to me being completely delusional, thinking I was controlling the world with my mind.  My experience of the UK state hospitals is that they seem to taper you fast (ie: a week! Not sure if it is a resource thing as they are just general psychiatric hospitals and when I was in "under section 2 of the mental health act" you end up on a busy ward full of patients with all sorts of problems. They were really nice about it, though.) , I am now two months discharged, completely off all medication, pills and alcohol, and in some regards, feeling pretty damn good. But... experiencing some horrible side effects:

 

Heart palpitations.

Very small stressors loom large and make me very tired very quickly.

Having to avoid social situations as even meeting with friends can stress me out.

Neck and shoulders very achy.

Tinnitus.

General muscle aches.

Dizziness- as a benchmark, I can no longer stand on one leg with my eyes closed! I can do it with eyes open, though.

 

On the plus side, no alcohol and no benzos in my system mean I "just" have the above, and I don't seem to have the depression or the lethargy that I had before. Keeping a diary certainly helps me realise that, compared with where I was before, I am definitely not so depressed. Think this isn't just getting the benzos out of my system but also the alcohol too.

 

What I am looking to achieve? Get well enough to hold down a good job again, hopefully get shot of the worst of the symptoms. Feel reasonably proud that I have gone over two months without any benzos, other drugs, or alcohol. TBH, that is my biggest achievement of 2020, and for someone who was a high-flyer who really crashed and burned, that is quite an admission. Given that I was on Diaz, Xanax and Codeine for 7 years, and the alchohol was an on-and-off issue since 17, I feel pretty good about that, even though I feel physically pretty damn rough at the moment. 

 

Anyway, very best of luck to everyone out there. With your own personal willpower, you can get to a much better place, just need to be kind to yourself, and not set unrealistic goals that are too fast, I think. 

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Hello JGT73, Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

Congratulations on being benzo and alcohol free, major accomplishment!  Benzo's seem to be the only drug that keeps on giving long after you take your last pill so don't lose faith that you won't recover because most of us do.  I'm actually surprised to see you doing as well as you are considering your rapid withdrawal and length of use.

 

Feel free to start a thread on the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support board, you'll find many who share your same symptoms and I'm assuming you've read  The Ashton Manual but if you haven't, I've found chapter 3 to be quite helpful because she describes our symptoms and why we feel them, it helped reassure me what I was feeling was normal.

 

We're happy you found us, I sincerely wish you a speedy recovery so you can get back to living your life.

 

Pamster

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Thank you for your very kind welcome, Pamster! Really appreciated. Yes, Prof Ashton's manual is a great document. I wished I had read it many years ago! She was a former professor of my old university. A great woman from the great Newcastle Upon Tyne University. She deserves to be honoured by the city council, and her manual should be supplied to every doctor in the country.

 

Very much looking forward to reading about the experiences of other members of the community.

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