Difficult Time With Former Friends

I'm nearing 30 months off now and I'm having a difficult time when thinking of former friends or even current friends who aren't responsive anymore. I moved back to my hometown and assumed a lot of my high school friends and some of my college friends would want to hang out a lot. I'm finding out that most do not want to hang out at all and many don't even respond to any texts at all anymore. Some of this is because I don't drink anymore. Some of this is because I've been struggling for more than two year and they got burnt out. 

 

I'm having the hardest time not obsessing about my former friends and feeling mad at them. It feels chemical because no amount of rationalizing helps. But I get obsessed with thinking of my former friends and then I get mad about it. I want to be able to let it go.

I had a luncheon with my cousin today and honestly...It made me so freaking nervous.  People evolve, things change. 

 

It takes a lot of energy to sustain relationships.

I had a luncheon with my cousin today and honestly...It made me so freaking nervous.  People evolve, things change. 

 

It takes a lot of energy to sustain relationships.

 

Sorry it made you nervous. I don't really get nervous with my friends. But I think you're right. People evolve. Things do change. It's something I'm having a hard time dealing with. I think it's one of those things where I'm going to have to learn to live with it and try to make other friends.

A friend I'd had for 40 years dropped me at beginning of the year. Said I was self obsessed, basically said should pull myself together and I was only one could make myself better. Think she's got issues to be honest both said nasty things. I tried to explain it all to her and try mend bridges just blanked me. Think sadly some people just don't understand . I did get very upset but think it's her loss.

I think part of this is hard bc we want /need to return to a life we knew and felt comfortable with before all this benzo stuff happened, only to find things and people and circumstances change. sometimes I find it quite unsettling.

 

I'm not a drinker, but used to have a social glass of wine etc. It is weird now to be in a social setting and refuse a drink..I just say its for health reasons right now (which is true). I mean I can live without alcohol, but there is a weird vibe when you refuse sometimes - I'm sure understanding better how people in AA/recovery feel.

Recently there was a friendship I thought was developing, but it fizzed out bc I don't drink now and this person def enjoys a few when out.

I'm lucky to have friends who understand I've had "health struggles" this year and are still in contact, but a lot has changed bc there were times where I wasn't able to nurture the relationships like I wanted.I'm kind of putting the pieces back together.

Limitations with covid isn't helping us for sure..but it can't last forever. Relying on FaceTime and zoom for some contacts.

 

 

Yeah, my life has changed in so many ways and people have sort of moved on. The fact that I can't drink makes it hard to socialize with people. Nobody hangs out unless they are drinking now if they are in their 30s.

 

Another huge one that has changed for me is I'm exhausted all the time now too so I can't stay up past 10 anymore which is unusual for me. 

 

I'm nearing 30 months off now and I'm having a difficult time when thinking of former friends or even current friends who aren't responsive anymore. I moved back to my hometown and assumed a lot of my high school friends and some of my college friends would want to hang out a lot. I'm finding out that most do not want to hang out at all and many don't even respond to any texts at all anymore. Some of this is because I don't drink anymore. Some of this is because I've been struggling for more than two year and they got burnt out. 

 

I'm having the hardest time not obsessing about my former friends and feeling mad at them. It feels chemical because no amount of rationalizing helps. But I get obsessed with thinking of my former friends and then I get mad about it. I want to be able to let it go.

 

I empathize with your situation because I think it is very common in WD to lose friendships/relationships. I've been through it myself and it's awful. The obsessive thinking and anger is definitely something that comes with WD and it finally let up for me at around 24 months. That all being said, I think it's also important to consider the perspective of your friends as well. The tough thing about WD is that no one understands what it's like unless you've experienced it yourself. Now that I'm personally further along in my healing, it's easier for me to understand how dealing with someone in WD can be extremely challenging--especially with all the negative emotions that come out of it. There's already so much negativity going on in the world right now that I think just about everyone I know is trying to avoid any further negativity if at all possible.

 

This is tough to give you a proper answer to because this is something that I think a therapist would do a lot better in guiding you through, but maybe it's time to get some new friendships started? After high school and college people grow up. They start families, they change, they move on with their lives. I don't know about you, but I'm a completely different person now from who I was at that age. In my experience, it's very rare for friendships to last forever. People and circumstances change.

Maybe they were never    yours friends the only thing you had in common with the was drinking ? Your not alone I have no friends at all that’s ok because I don’t drink for the past 30 plus years .  Hang in there try to  go hiking Moro this no time to feel bad about yourself you come a long way. I personally stay off the site now I don’t know what possessed me to come on  today and take a look at it today but I’ve been following you and you’ve been doing a good job you’re leading a normal life how does that sound . I’m one month behind you I remember when you came in

Boom, I lost all my friends as the result of my taper. I tapered for 3 years and watched them grow more and more distant from me. Not their fault, really. I was too sick to go to potlucks, out to birthday celebrations, or just out to hang out for an evening in the pub and listen to the local band. I just couldn't. Socialization was impossible for me. So was talking on the phone. Nope. And once I was done with my taper and ready to resume friendship . . . as someone here said, they'd moved on. Were they *really* my friends? Who knows?  I'd find it difficult to remain friends with someone who's unresponsive. The sad thing is that even when I explained what had been going on with me, I was still iced out.

 

Here's a silly thing that hurt most: we used to have Friday night poker games and before my taper, I really enjoyed them. No drinking, just playing cards, sharing food, and laughing a lot. I couldn't do that during my taper. But when I felt I was ready, I asked the person who organized these games to please include me again . . . and they never did. Ouch.

 

So I licked my wounds and I moved on. Literally. I moved from the little coastal town where I was living to "the valley" in OR. And I've been slowly making new friends. Very slowly. Am I angry with my old friends? Sometimes. Do I get into a pit of feeling sorry for myself and obsessing about all that? Sometimes. But my work life has taken an interesting and unexpected turn, and brought new people into my life -- people with whom I share a genuine connection apart from poker games and Saturday nights at the pub, so I don't feel as alone as I did on the coast when I discovered that I was friendless.  :'(

 

I think losing friends is pretty common in benzo w/d. As is, sadly, losing relationships/marriages. And jobs. This whole benzo mess has upended so many lives.

 

I don't have any sage wisdom to offer, Boom. Just my experiences. Hope that helps.

 

Best to you,

 

 

Katz

 

 

Thanks for the support. The really good ones are sticking around to be honest. I get super sensitive when people don't respond to texts quickly and then I freak out about it. I'm actually having a game night tonight with three friends so it should be good. Just need to stop overreacting to things. It's true that several have stopped talking to me completely. For a few of them too, I think Co-vid is playing a role. But there are at least two or three who have stopped talking to me altogether because of withdrawal. I have to learn to be okay with it. My happiness can't be measured on them.

I'm actually having a game night tonight with three friends so it should be good.

 

That's great, BBB!

 

 

Katz

BBB: 

 

Have fun tonight:) May the connections you make now be richer than old ones.

i struggle with old friends too bbb. reasons

1.) i sit and think while talking to them (they have no idea i went nuts and went to the hospitals. man if they inew why.....)

2.) jealous. seething envy bc they never had something so horrific split their life into before and aftermath

3.)they saw me go nuts and now treat me like i have leprosy

4.) shame

I'm having a rough go again obsessing about my friends. It came on pretty suddenly yesterday.

 

I made plans with some of my buddies to watch a wrestling pay-per-view on January 31st. The key word there is "I" made the plans. It's been two weeks since they've spoken with me and we made these plans. I was sort of testing the waters to see if either of them would reach out to me and ask me to hang out this month before the wrestling pay-per-view. So far, neither of them has. I sort of realized that, while I still have friends in my hometown, maybe 5 or 6, I doubt any of them would hang out with me unless I explicitly reached out to them and made a plan. It really bums me out. I wish I were just more secure and content in my own skin.

I'm having a rough go again obsessing about my friends. It came on pretty suddenly yesterday.

 

I made plans with some of my buddies to watch a wrestling pay-per-view on January 31st. The key word there is "I" made the plans. It's been two weeks since they've spoken with me and we made these plans. I was sort of testing the waters to see if either of them would reach out to me and ask me to hang out this month before the wrestling pay-per-view. So far, neither of them has. I sort of realized that, while I still have friends in my hometown, maybe 5 or 6, I doubt any of them would hang out with me unless I explicitly reached out to them and made a plan. It really bums me out. I wish I were just more secure and content in my own skin.

 

Well something like that hits you even if you are secure and content in your skin, which I am. But I had a similar situation lately with a friend for whom I had been there non stop when her father was sick, but then everything was okey again and we had made some plans, but then I did not hear anything fro weeks. From 200 per cent to zero so to speak. And that is something I do not tolerate anymore. For a relationship no matter the kind it takes 2 not 1. I do not see a future for this relationship. I have a personal rule for such situations, I talk to the person twice. I make it clear that this hurts me and that I will not tolerate that several times. And then I end relationships. I think even if times are stressful, you can always write a text message with "Stressed out - thinking of you" or "sorry, too busy". But just being ignored is nothing I can tolerate. Then  I close the door and open another for new people in my life.

And that's the way I found people who show interest and stay in contact. But it has happened several times that I had to cut off people and it always did hurt a lot. I think it is disrespectful to just reach out to someone if you need the other person or if you don't have anything else to do. I am not a therapist and I am not a clown if nothing else happens in their life. But as I said, I communicate in a clear and open way - no passive aggression. Sometimes we need a little reminder ourself and I do that in a polite way. But.. it can be hurtful. People take relationships for granted most of the time but I think we should share good and bad times among friends. And since life is stressful, we need to make plans and stick to it. Or routines, like talking on the phone once a week, meeting at the gym, or what you said, planning such an event - but I feel you, I would not want to be the project planner to invite the VIP all the time

 

On the other hand I really appreciate these friends and people in my life who reach out monthly, daily, weekly and who say they like to spend time with me. Means a lot for me to have such people and be able to have a good time together

Drink a beer and go play poker with them.

This has been one of the "Silver Linings" of my withdrawal for sure.

 

The people whom I was struggling with before I ever even took a benzo- you know those questionable "friends" who make put downs disguised as quips, or who have done really shady things to me over the years? I just got rid of them. Some were family members too. Now I feel this HUGE RELIEF that they are out of my life. I put up with them during some of my hardest days too. It was always a set back. They were always draining. Even before benzos.

 

Going through this challenge with all the suffering I can easily see how precious time is. As I healed it became crystal clear that I was going to choose the path of less stress to get through this, and to change my life for the better.

 

So "bye bye" to those people who had mean tendencies, and just wore me out. As a result I made room for people who care, & to make new friendships with people who are positive and have the same interests as me.

Lost every friend I had. I also have MS and I find friends don’t want to deal with any of this. I could talk about anything but this or MS . When your sick and have to turn down lunch or dinner a few times they eventually stop asking

I'm sorry, Joseph. I know how hard it can be to keep friends through illness. It's been very difficult to do.

 

I still have some friends but they do not initiate any conversations any longer. It's always me reaching out to them.

Lost every friend I had. I also have MS and I find friends don’t want to deal with any of this. I could talk about anything but this or MS . When your sick and have to turn down lunch or dinner a few times they eventually stop asking

 

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think it is like winning the lottery finding people who stick to our side no matter what. In the end, most of the time, they are too weak and cannot handle their emotions, get scared, overwehmeld and choose to run away. It is tragic and upsetting at the same time. However there are people out there who do not react this way and I hope you will meet such a person in the future. I would consider myself to be such a person and if you would live in my area I would come by and bring you some cookies. Cookies do always work. You do not need words - when you can give a cookie and a smile.