I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Please help.

Benzomutant: You're initial dose was quite large - look how far you've come! your reduction is amazing. I know you feel incredibly rough, but you have made great strides!!

 

So think of riding a bike...difficult to find balance at first, wobbly, we fall off. Maybe we get injured, or feel inferior. Do we quit? nope. Stand up, brush off the dust, clean off any wounds. Get on that bike again (benzo tapering/recovery).

Then when you're riding more confident and smoothly, you might ride on a busy road (getting back to work/etc) and when traffic goes by it is unnerving and scary. Eventually that becomes easier too. 

 

The fact that you are alive, so self aware, and can write so coherently speaks to the hope you can cling to...you can do things that other people cannot.

Yes this feels overwhelming and immense, and all you can see right now is your losses, but you are young and have a full life and future ahead of you.

 

What you are feeling is not you. You will return.

Forgive yourself. Forward progression 

That's exactly the problem with fast tapers, symptoms become unbearable and the taper fails. And 120 mg diazepam isn't that much compared to doses of alprazolam or clonazepam that some people take. In fact it's fairly common for people to be on 2 mg alprazolam three times a day, which is equivalent to 120 mg diazepam. It's just that diazepam has so much lower potency.

 

This is a good point pacenik, I was taking between 6-10 mgs of Klonopin a day, so if I go by an average of 8 mgs a day, that means I was on the Valium equivilent of 160 mgs a day.  So BenzoMutant, I wasn't a hopeless case and neither are you! 

Sorry you had a rotten and hard day, and the loss that came with it..

I hope I can be another hand reaching out to pick you up and dust you off, -like so many have, and do, for me..

Its a long path, but we make it from little hill top to little hill top, and your well on your way irrespective of dosage numbers imo.. One day you will look back and see you did indeed climb a mountain.. The view will be great, and the path beyond a joy...

 

I know its so hard to picture when all one sees is a cliff, -there are many days I couldnt write this with any real conviction at all, but every time, every battle, it proves to be true... It would be nice if there wasnt so much hurt and loss though, but thats the path we conquer, each in our own particular way..

 

So all in all, keep up the good work despite the stumble..

 

***

Wow..!! -lots of posts..!! If you dont like mountains there is Trina’s “bike ride”..

 

:smitten:

 

I cannot express how grateful I am to you all! You're so kind and supportive that I wish I could hug you all. Thank you for helping me today when I went into crisis mode. And, yes, this all-or-nothing mentality, Pamster, is such a toxic pattern that causes so much problems.

 

Today my psychiatrist was understanding and he said, "Fine, you slipped. Now get back on track. Take a week before you reduce. If that doesn't work out, we'll try other options." > and by that he meant cold-turkey, so let's hope it doesn't get to that! 

 

This really is a wonderful community for us to support each other. And on my good days, I promise I will help others at their worst moments. 

Cantfly...mountains...bike rides.. too much exercising on here....we need new analogies!

 

And I need to correct my last statement regarding the "large dose" part in regards to the diazepam..sometimes I forget to do the math in my head of what its equivalent to in regards to other benzos...120mg diazepam is definitely doable my friend !!

Trina, analogies, -thats the word that was escaping me..!!?? 

-Seems they are all my brain is capable of atm.. 

 

BenzoMutant, I hope today went a bit better..??

That might be kinda good your Psych was a bit relaxed about things, giving a weeks grace.. I remember when my current Doc first took over we had to find the common ground thats both trusting and productive over the long term.. Fingers crossed thats in the future for you too.. Though I do recognise im particularly blessed in the Dr department, -there were exceptions too.. The past “scares” are still somewhat “motivating” somewhere in the back of my head...

I still get a bit off track with my dosing sometimes too, like this last few weeks, but it balances back more readily now it seems...

I guess im suggesting it can get easier or more secure in some ways down the road..

 

Strength to you...

 

@[Ca...]

 

You're all wonderful supportive kind people here. And I know there's hope for you. No, today I was so depressed and can't stop being depressed.  You know. I updosed again and will try to fight on Monday (postponing the stabilization and taper until Monday). Right now I'm just going to float in space with benzos. Thank you. I wish I was the strong person I used to be. I crave so much to just stop to exist. I've had enough life.

 

Your brain is capable of many tools and tricks besides analogies. You're probably just being overly anxious about what you're saying. 

Hey man, I just wanted to say I hope you're alright now. I know you're still not alright but you know what I mean. I hope you'll do whatever you need to do instead of doing... that. Raise the alarm if it gets serious. If you can, have a sort of less intense binge (sorry if that's not quite the right word) than you've had in the past. Every tablet you can stop yourself taking will be better for you. I believe in time you will turn this around.

@[di...]

 

Thank you a lot! It's a horrible night. But I must get through it. I hope I sort it out. I don't want to raise the alarm unless it gets really unbearable. Tonight I'll probably have to stay awake because of the overdose.  :'(

 

Hope you're doing alright!

Yeah I'm alright thanks. Hope you got through the night OK.

@[di...]

 

I got through the night. Thank you for the support. It's so difficult not being able to share the thing that's bothering me the most because I know it'll get deleted. Anyway, I'll keep pushing forward.

It isn't wise to start SSRI/SNRI during benzo withdrawal, not wise at all. Instead you could try N-Acetyl Cysteine, 200 mg daily. Depression is definitively a benzo withdrawal symptom. But mode of thinking is important too. Don't beat yourself up over anything. EVER, but especially during withdrawal. You are not a failure. I too used to be diagnosed with depression and BPD once upon a time, but now I know that what I needed was not diagnoses and drugs, but change in my way of thinking. Now I no longer have depression, nor anxiety (well, not endogenous ones anyway, since my setback with rescue doses of benzos I have had chemically-induced mood changes, but these withdrawal-related mood changes are easier to deal with if they don't stack with your endogenous mood). Note that Dr. Shipko has his patients updose when they encounter withdrawal-related depression, and has them continue tapering only when depression subsides.

 

 

Who is Dr. Shipko?  He helps people get off benzos?  I have been suffering severe depression myself.  It seems nothing will ever help.

Who is Dr. Shipko?  He helps people get off benzos?  I have been suffering severe depression myself.  It seems nothing will ever help.

Dr. Stuart Shipko is a psychiatric drug wise psychiatrist. He has assisted about 50 to 75 patients in getting off of alprazolam.

Does anyone have any advice for severe depression? Besides physical activity... I've tried that.

 

Today marks exactly a week since my cold turkey, and my depression kept getting worse and worse throughout the day until I died. I literally feel dead  I managed to clean my room, take a shower and meet up with a friend right before I "died".

 

There's this emptiness, void, a black hole and nothing else. The self is gone. No energy, zero interest or motivation in anything. Only people with severe depression will understand me.

 

I don't even believe it's benzo-related because I've always had this predisposition for depression even before them. My psychiatrist who abandoned me (and I'm a patient with BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder, whose main fear is of abandonment) warned me that narcissistic/borderline personalities get more depressed as they age. She told me this about 5 years ago, and she was right. I'm 30 now... I can't imagine how much worse it can get at 40 or 50.

 

I feel like Tony. Tony Soprano from David Chase's masterpiece "The Sopranos". Anyone here a fan of that show? Then you'll understand what I'm talking about. Poor David Chase suffered with depression all his life, but at least he possesses an artistic talent. Uni starts in a few days... I hope that helps.

 

Anyway, advice, anyone? I've tried anti-depressants. They don't work.

 

When you're that depressed you always pretend around others because if you told them how you really felt, like "nothingness", they start supporting you with advice that's useless because the depression is endogenous. It's better to pretend you're okay, and listen to their problems. But... Hope...

 

Hope you're all doing well :/

 

Edit: Profanity

Would you be better able to handle what you're feeling right now if you could convince yourself this isn't you, it's the drug?  Would you feel differently if you could believe this depression is far worse than anything you've ever felt not because you're getting worse (as predicted by that cruel Dr who abandoned you) but due to your cold turkey from Valium?  Would you be better able to survive what you're feeling if you could believe this is temporary?

 

Had to google endogenous by the way (learned a new word) so even though you're feeling low you're still enriching the lives of others. 

 

 

"I don't even believe it's benzo-related because I've always had this predisposition for depression even before them. My psychiatrist who abandoned me (and I'm a patient with BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder, whose main fear is of abandonment) warned me that narcissistic/borderline personalities get more depressed as they age. She told me this about 5 years ago, and she was right. I'm 30 now... I can't imagine how much worse it can get at 40 or 50"

Edit: Profanity

 

I don't know you super well, but I really feel your original diagnosis is way off. I see nothing narcissistic/bpd in the way you write...if you were truly a narcissist it would come out and show itself.

You just cold turkeyed and unfortunately depression is a very common symptom in benzo recovery. It going to take time for your chemicals to come back on like they should.

We all have insecurities and fears to work through, so you are not alone in this. Some ppl have very valid reasons for these. Benzo wd seems like it likes to shine a light on anything we haven't resolved.

Time...it takes time. you can be free and well. You're alive and there is hope. You are not alone.

Thank you both, Trina and Pamster 

 

You both are wonderful and very convincing with your words. But... Here's the thing. I wrote this post in a severely depressed mood, and a couple of hours later it turned into hypomania (that's when you're full of energy and super excited and ecstatic) and I blasted the music on my speakers, singing. Affective (emotional) instability is one of the symptoms of BPD > my moods change sometimes within a few hours. I'm sorry. Now I feel bad for giving a "false" alarm. It wasn't false. It's just I had no idea at the time my mood would go up so quickly later on.

 

Benzo withdrawal may be aggravating my mood fluctuations, but I've always been like that. Anyway, thank you so much again! I envy your lovable and caring nature  Not that I'm not caring, but sometimes my moods dictate my actions unless I exercise serious control over them.

 

P.S. trina75, I really do have BPD/NPD. The diagnostic label is not so important here, but the ability to cope with my symptoms. For example, many NPD/BPDs lack empathy, and I don't. I can be very empathetic, but I learned that through a lot of pain and trauma. In the past, I have done some significant ethical no-nos. But the past is there, so that we better ourselves in the present 

I'm relieved your low mood left, I wish it could have been a more gentle lifting of it rather than the mania you describe but it sounds like you're familiar with this cycle and understand it.

 

Is there a medication which you've found acceptable in the past that helps you or is this something you're going to have learn how to navigate medication free?

There isn't a medication, sadly, for this, Pamster. Or at least I haven't found it yet. It's okay, I can navigate it. I was in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for 6 years, so I understand the cycle, yes. It's not like bipolar disorder though. In bipolar disorder people are manic for a week, let's say, then have severe depression for a month. Long periods. With BPD the moods shift regularly within a day, so yeah, I just need to exercise some mental control over them not to impact my relationships with others.

 

Thanks for all the care 

I had the highest results on the interview, and my employers really wanted me to work with them. Except that I did something irrational that I still can't explain to myself - I rejected them out of fear of not being to cope.

 

I used to be a cleanliness freak, and everything would be clean, tidy and in order. Now I can't shower sometimes. I stare into blank space. I am constantly crying or have a constricted affect. My mother is supporting me, which makes me hate myself so much that I'm useless and cannot help. I can be impulsive sometimes.

I think I can help you with this part. You said you can't explain it and you called it "irrational". I think there is an obvious explanation which is that your concern about not being able to cope at work is valid. You should take some encouragement that it was even your decision to make. I think it's amazing that you could ace two interviews while you're struggling so much! That said, if you're constantly crying and sometimes can't shower, I don't know how you think you could hold down a job as an English teacher.

 

If circumstances allow you to not work while you're going through this, please accept this blessing. It's better for you and trust me, it's also better for your mother too. If she is supporting you now, her role will expand and not contract if she's supporting you while you're trying to work. You will be under immense stress (more than now) and if you live with her, she will absorb a lot of it and you won't be able to stop her.

 

I have some advice for you. Some of it is repeating what others are saying because I think it's important.

 

1. Slow down your benzo taper.

 

If you're feeling like this, hold your dose for a month and see how you are then. If you're still not doing alright, hold for another month. Most people would be feeling appreciably better after holding for a month. Two months is probably enough for you to stabilise. It's impossible to make good decisions about anything including treatment options when you are emotionally unstable and unable to think straight.

 

2. Stick around here and read some different threads.

 

It won't take you long to notice that other people have very similar challenges. There are lots of good suggestions here although it's not easy to see at first which would be good for you. Ask questions, make suggestions if you have some, get a feel for the community. Here, you are not alone. There are other addicts that post here too, not just people who unwittingly became dependent to doctor prescribed benzos. Not that this even matters; we're all united by being at various stages of benzo dependency and withdrawal. When you're ready to go again, we can give some practical advice to make things less bad than they have been and hopefully help you to put a strategy in place so things don't become unmanageable again.

 

3. Drop the Lexapro.

 

I am so sorry you're getting such varied advice on this subject. That must be very confusing. I should disclose up front that I have had a bad experience with antidepressants. It's surprisingly common - https://www.survivingantidepressants.org is an active community that's a bit like here, except for antidepressants. Most likely the other people who recommend against it here have had a bad experience too.

 

I don't recommend against them solely based on my own experience. I recommend against them because they're a scam and they cause harm. There might be a minority of people who "need something" and an antidepressant will make sense for some of those people. I doubt you're one of those people since you're 30 years old and your mental health difficulties have an obvious chemical cause. If you don't need antidepressants, I promise you don't want them. They have worse side effects than benzos and similar issues arise with tolerance and dependence. Difficulty withdrawing is another thing in common with benzos.

 

edit: I hope this doesn't seem too prescriptive. It's my recommendation based upon wide knowledge of antidepressants but limited knowledge of your situation.

 

4. Try not to diagnose yourself.

 

I could have qualified for a handful of diagnoses at different points in my taper. It's really common for withdrawal symptoms to mimic psychological conditions. Bipolar disorder, OCD and autism were the most compelling in my case but there were others. I've even had psychotic symptoms that in hindsight resemble schizophrenia. I'm in my mid thirties and never had these types of symptoms before becoming dependent on diazepam. You might qualify as Borderline but it seems unlikely given the stability that you used to enjoy. It's more likely that you're catastrophizing which is one of the more common withdrawal symptoms. It's much better to focus on who you were because that's a more accurate representation of the real you than how you are at the moment. You will uncover the real you as you recover.

I got diagnoisis with different  disorders  as well still tapering....

There isn't a medication, sadly, for this, Pamster. Or at least I haven't found it yet. It's okay, I can navigate it. I was in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for 6 years, so I understand the cycle, yes. It's not like bipolar disorder though. In bipolar disorder people are manic for a week, let's say, then have severe depression for a month. Long periods. With BPD the moods shift regularly within a day, so yeah, I just need to exercise some mental control over them not to impact my relationships with others.

 

Thanks for all the care 

 

Women get mood swings within one day...its called hormones  I'm just kidding..not being insensitive to your diagnosis. It sounds like you are very self aware. Realize too that in benzo withdrawal there can be massive shifts in one day - I get those. I literally had one today. I had horrible cog fog this morning and then like the flip a switch I had hyper cognition and it felt like everything was firing in my head at once. Even my husband said I was kind of manic-y. I got a lot done bc my brain was super clear! Tonight I've leveled out.

So some of the things you experience may be diagnosis - but others is healing from the meds.

 

@[tr...]

 

Yeah, thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're feeling better 

 

It's definitely not just the personality disorder. In fact, most of my mood swings (mostly depression though), can probably be attributed to the benzo withdrawal. I just started my second week since I cold-turkeyed. I'm not expecting miracles. I know it will take 6-12 months before true recovery can be seen.

 

It sounds like you can control your moods and emotions too, which is great  Hope you stay positive and continue to heal!

Glad you checked in BenzoMutant and thank you for updating your progress log, it's nice to learn more about you.  As for your goal of quitting smoking this month, this might be an overly ambitious task given your cold turkey status.

Morning..

Just cheering you on..!! (While my head isnt glue)..

Sounds like you have so much life to live ahead of you once beyond these meds... lol, you make me feel old..!!

Sending strength and well wishes..

 

did you try the flumazenil infusions?  Is it available in your country?