I miss sleep so much

I miss that beautiful time before you sleep, where u start to dream, that beautiful letting go. I miss waking up in the morning when the sun is gently coming thru the curtains. I miss feeling so good u could literally jump for joy. I miss it like a friend that’s gone away. My hearts breaking for my friend. Please come back to me. I miss you so much  :'( today is going to be hard. Today I feel like giving up

Shayna, I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you read Klonopin and Howling Dogs? You might find solace in it.

I think I’ve read it icy x it’s just so lonely. My family are all asleep. It’s hard. Makes me worry about when I actually do stop how much worse it will be. I’ve been strong for a long time but my god it’s hard to keep that up.

I feel you. I have had a horrible couple of days and I want to give up, but what does that even mean?

I know. We won’t give up, I think it’s just an cry out for mercy. Fucking mercy. It’s enuf suffering. I always think there’s some bad people in this world. Why am I being punished, I’ve been good. 95% of the time. The other 5% was just being a bit selfish and self absorbed. But that’s the woe is me thing isn’t it. This just sux so bad. Makes me sad and angry at the same time x I’m sorry ur having a tough time to icy. U have come so far x keep going and I will too

Thank you. It's been three months and I was really hoping that I would be one of those lucky ones who gets significantly better in 6 months

What are your worst symptoms Icy? Do they come in waves or consistent?

The worst ones come in waves, but it is consistent. During my windows, I don't feel fully myself. I get the benzo flu a lot and although I don't have insomnia, I can't nap or go to bed before like 1 or 2. I have to literally exhaust myself to sleep. I am grateful for the sleep because it is the only moment of peace I get most times. The worst symptoms are my head and eyes. My eyes feel tired ALL THE TIME. I feel trapped in my head with burning and brain fog. This whole ordeal has really messed my stomach up. I have benzo belly and I find it difficult to eat or get an appetite. My stomach is always upset. Not as bad as before, but I have dissociation and DR/DP with severe depression and apathy. Today I was just so sick from my stomach to my head.

That sounds so difficult you poor thing. I know what u mean about the eyes. So sore and red all the time. I look stoned. I have bad benzo belly too, but that’s it besides the insomnia. On days I don’t sleep, I am very depressed like today, but when I sleep ok I feel pretty normal. I can’t nap either. When people say have a sleep when kids are at school I feel like punching them in the throat  not really but it makes me crazy. Like I wouldn’t do that if I could. I just go into twighlight type sleep then panic when I can’t which is worse than not trying in the first place.

I think I’m in a really bad wave. I don’t know what happened I was coping well now struggling

I get what you mean about punching people in the throat lol I know that people mean well, but it's like, "Don't you think I tried that?!" My mom always tells me to just lay down and see what happens. I have to keep telling her that I will have panic attacks and likely ruin the ability to sleep later on. I also wonder if I am in a bad wave because work started and the stress may have triggered panic which triggered stomach issues.

I really feel for you having to work, although sometimes I think the distraction would be good. People who haven’t been thru this don’t understand. I don’t even understand! How you can go so long without proper sleep just doesn’t make sense. I’m sitting here my eyes are rolling back in my head I’m so so tired. I’m here for u Icy, I’m sure just a bad wave and will pass soon hopefully x

Thank you, Shayna. If you ever need to anything, please feel free to reach out to me. I agree about the distraction. I had severe panic attacks last night that felt like heart attacks. But sometimes, the distraction of struggling at work is better than sitting at home well aware of my life being changed. I am a teacher and the kids this year are great! I hope to be able to fully enjoy my job in the next couple of months.

Thanks icy x I’d love to be a teacher. What a beautiful job x yeah my panic attack or cortisol surge whatever it was this morning was so uncomfortable, I just wanted so badly to go back to sleep but couldn’t of course. Had to get up and sit on the lounge again. In the darkness. So tired of that. I hope u heal soon so u can get back to life x

thank you! After reading Klonopin and Howling Dogs, I am confident that you will heal!

Thanks icy x sending u lots of healing vibes

Hi icy, just need some words of encouragement today. Sleep is so bad right now just saw ur signature u were up to 100mg per night of Ambien, how did u get off that. I can believe how much I’m struggling still with this

Hey Shayna, I don't know if this makes a difference, but I wasn't using it for sleep. Before getting messed up on psych drugs and Ambien, I slept fine. The 100 mg was for pain relief for my stomach and symptoms from what I now know was interdose withdrawal. I often wonder if people who have trouble sleeping have issues with sleep when coming off. What I think has helped with a lot of symptoms is not taking anything. I don't take sleeping pills, stomach pills, tylenol, ibprofin, or anything like that. I don't know if that has helped some things start to go back to normal. I am sorry that you are struggling. Was sleep better for a time before and then you got hit with a wave?

Gals, here's a suggestion.

 

In the middle of my taper, when I suffered horribly from insomnia and Ambien had stopped working for me, and the OTC sleep aids had crapped out, I did this. I have a nice comfy recliner in my office, and when it was obvious I wouldn't sleep, I got out of bed and went to my office where I listened to one of two CDs that I found helped immensely with putting me (back) to sleep. I sat in the dark with my cat and just listened to the soothing voices telling me about sleep. Sounds corny, right? But it worked. I never did hear the end of one of the CDs --the guy's voice was so soporific. (He's a medical hypnotist). There have to be similar youtube videos, but the great thing about these CDs was that I didn't have to turn my kindle or phone on and get a blast of light. I just hit "Play" on my CD player (it was cued to my "sleep rescue" CDs).

 

As soon as I felt a little dozey, I got up and went back to bed.

 

About 6 months ago, for some reason my usual sleep aid (marijuana) failed me and I had to revert to the CDs. They were like old friends telling me all will be well. And they worked.

 

I'd have to go find the titles (bought them on Amazon) -- I will if you think you'd like to consider them.

 

Best,

 

Katz

No not really has been really erratic the whole time but at least was getting 4 hrs most nights. It makes it so difficult to jump because sleep is so bad now I can’t imagine how much worse it could get

Hi Katz I think u have told me before the names I can go back and look at past posts. I just feel like I’m not going to recover. Or end up in the looney bin coz lack of sleep will make me lose it. Terrible

Okay. Hope you get some sleep.

 

K

 

 

Me too. Thanku for ur msgs. It helps me when I hear from people who have come thru the other side x