Crippling rebound anxiety from Xanax

hello everyone,

thank you for hopefully reading my intro; it's so hard to be in this space; talking/writing with those who have been through or are going through what i am experiencing might give me some help and comfort.

my situation while complex, is not complicated as it relates to benzos.  i have suffered from bouts of depression throughout my life (i'm 61 now) and have a fantastic therapist who has helped me navigate some horrible traumas and in general i was feeling pretty well.  sadness often, but functional.

then the pandemic came.  along with everyone else, i was thrust into the unimaginable; scared, isolated, my small business closed and cut off from everyone and everything i knew.  i continue therapy (by phone) which helps but is not nearly as effective.  at first it wasn't so bad - who knew it would last this long?  but month after month of isolation and uncertainty has taken its toll on me in a drastic and severe way.

i had never had anxiety before.  depression, yes - and sure i'd been stressed, but never full-blown, crawling out of your skin, chaotic, all-encompassing anxiety.  i was shocked at how consuming it is.  it rendered me, essentially, non-functional.

my doctor prescribed 1mg Xanax to use "as needed".  i was well aware of the dangers of benzos so i thought i would be really cautious - only taking .25mg and not every day, never more than one dose per day.  i asked my doctor about that - she said that was fine.  every once in a while i might take .5mg but rarely. 

problem is, that pattern continued for about 3 months; that's between .25-.5mg every other day.  i was convinced this would not be a issue.

i began to notice that i would take the xanax and feel better but in between the doses the anxiety began to get worse, so much so that i couldn’t help myself and began some consecutive days.  i should add i only made things worse by occasionally taking an opiate on the “off” days.  i was essentially using some form of medication every day to stave off the demon of anxiety.

i did a little reading and learned about “rebound anxiety” and it became clear that i had developed a dependency even though i i thought my usage was light.  when i actually thought about it - it wasn’t so light.  4x a week (plus opiates) for several months was certainly enough to do me in.

i stopped taking the xanax about 5 or 6 days ago (no taper) and for the first 4 days the anxiety was exponentially worse than my initial symptoms...it's been a true hell.  i have noticed a lessening of the anxiety the past two days, but certainly not gone.  from what i understand, this is likely to continue for a while.  i am hoping that the lower dose and relatively short course will make this shorter rather than drawn out while my brain heals.

i am a worrier.  i think the worst.  these thoughts take over my mind and there’s no space in my head for free thinking.  it’s like i’m being terrorized by my thoughts and i have no recourse. 

you may find it silly, but most of these horrible thoughts are about the health of my cat.  my cat and i are extremely close and she’s all i’ve got during this tragic pandemic period.  the thought of something being wrong with her completely takes over my mind and won’t let go.

i can’t even tell what’s real anymore.  she seems different; less energetic, less interested in anything - just wants to eat and sleep.  lethargic.  apathetic.  i am taking her to the vet tomorrow, just to be sure (she’s due for a checkup anyway) and now i’m out-of-control anxious about the appointment.  it's possible that my current state is magnifying and imagining things and she's actually ok - but depressed (read below).

last thing i’ll mention - sorry this has been so long - the way i’ve been the past several months - NO ONE would want to be around me.  i’ve been depressed, anxious and my days are filled with doing nothing.  it’s quite possible the cat (her name is Ellie) is depressed too, being around such a negative energy.  we’re extremely tight and she’s super-smart; there’s no way she can’t feel how messed up i’ve been.  our entire routine has been turned upside down; this is always a huge stressor for cats - dogs not so much, but cats don’t like upheaval.

i’ll stop here - there’s more but for now i wanted to just get this off my chest.  if anyone can relate, or shed some light on how long this rebound/withdrawal can last, please share.  if anyone has had any experience thinking that they were “not taking that much” or “not that often” but found themselves where i am, i’d love to hear from you.

thanks so much for listening; please take care of yourselves and stay safe…

jAb

Hi jAb,

I understand what you're saying about your cat. When I was deep in w/d, I worried about my cat, and it took everything I had to find back roads and take her to a vet without being in much traffic. In many ways, she kept me going, and I am thankful for that. She is, by the way, fine. It just seemed overwhelming when I thought something could be wrong. The thought of losing her absolutely terrified me.

This is certainly a hard time to be dealing with these benzos and the associated issues. The rule of thumb was always to get out there and busy to get well, and now the game plan is to stay in and/or to be at least six feet away from anyone. And, the masks make it hard to communicate. But, you know that of course.

Through all this, there were times when all I could mange at all was to distract, and I read books when I could not remember what I'd read when I turned a page. But, I would plow on. And, I'd watch TV but nothing that caused anxiety. Super Store and Kim's Convenience both worked out well for some laughs. I could only occasionally watch a show, but it gave some structure to the day and felt somewhat like interaction (especially since my cat will fall asleep on my lap if I watch TV).

Now I do some things that take a little skill but not under pressure. I run a local news web site on FB, and I'm doing some TV overviews for an international web site. I can do these things from home and at odd hours. My schedule is a train wreck. Mornings are still hard even a year off Xanax.

So, anyway, maybe you could distract or try some limited thing of interest without a lot stress to perform. And, coming here to talk helps, since you know people in this arena know what you're talking about.

Hang in there! Things get better. This pandemic has to ease up one of these days - and the sooner the better for all.

Sending calming vibes and care, LA

Hi jab,

I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible time. I get the anxiety too, I've gotten better coping with it, as I have been doing this for a while.  I worry about my cat too. I always think she is depressed. I worry more about my animals than myself. I talk to her and sing to her and and play with toys when I can. I've listened too utube videos that have helped alot! They ha e e good anxiety ones. Try not to catastrophize.  Meditation helps too. Stay busy, plan a day if you can with structure, and walking helps too. Distract! Dont pay attention to the negative thoughts, turn them into positives. This too shall pass! You will be ok.