My Happy One Year Anniversary - Off Benzos for a Full Year Today

I woke up last year and decided that it was the day to break free of Xanax. I was at .08 mg, and it just felt like the right thing to do. It was scary to step away, and I wasn't sure I was totally done, but I was. I've not touched a benzo in a year as of today, and I am blessed and thankful.

 

My GP put me on Xanax after a really difficult period in my life. I told him that I did not want to take anything "habit forming." He assured me that Xanax was not addictive and that I could take it as needed. Later he said that it would be better to take it on a regular basis like I would take a medicine for diabetes. He said steady levels were more effective.

 

A few years back, my GP lost his license to practice medicine. He wrote scripts for one thousand pain pills to a man who overdosed and died. A review of his records indicated that he wrote supplied a lot of local with opioids and benzodiazapines.

 

How I got started is truly water under the proverbial bridge, but I do know that many people developed physical dependence on these drugs due to negligence or worse on the part of members of the medical community.

 

It never really registered that I had a problem with Xanax and that it wasn't just that I wasn't able to stop but also that the drug was having a very negative impact on my life. Perhaps I was in tolerance withdrawal. I'm not certain. But, I do know that I was not able to function very well. One very serious problem was that I had some terrible falls.

 

There was one fall where I slipped and went backwards down some stairs. I think I got a concussion. Then, I fell down the basement stairs and rolled the skin back on my leg. That ultimately required a skin graft when the huge open spot would not heal over. Finally, I slipped in the rain forest on vacation and ended up in surgery twice overseas and could not fly back with the rest of the family. When I was able to get on a plane, I got back to the United States where I had another surgery on my leg.

 

Since my old GP (not the one who put me on benzos) retired, I got a young doctor. She told me the problems with Xanax and said I seriously needed to get off of it. On my own, I went from 1 mg 3 x per day to .5. When I tried to call this new GP, there were issues with answering the phone and returning calls. The office was just starting up and had some issues. I, in the meantime, was in full blown benzo withdrawal and did not know what had hit me. The GP had said to go slow, but she had not said anything about the horrible side effect to expect.

 

At some point I found Benzo Buddies, and I found a GP who did answer the phone. I was in bad shape, but I mostly covered that (or I think I did). There was a period of time when I just did not have contact with anyone. I was seeing, hearing, and feeling things, and I did wake up in the floor twice. I'm not sure if I had seizures or not.

 

Things were so bad that I stopped taking Xanax at .5 and thought I was going to die. So, I read a ton of posts at Benzo Buddies. The members that seemed to have been most successful were the ones who had used DLMT (daily liquid micro taper). The thought terrified me, but living was even scarier at that point.

 

The taper was rough. There were days I howled like an animal with a foot caught in a steel trap. I could not stand long enough to shower. There were weeks when I was not able to drive. I'd forget to eat or just couldn't get up to find food, and I lost thirty pounds. I was fricking terrified and around the clock, since I lost the ability to sleep for a while.

 

Pulling myself together for the liquid taper took everything I had, but I was able to slowly reduce my dosage. I'm sure I made some measuring mistakes along the way, but I was close enough to get my Xanax down lower and lower. Then, I reached the point where I thought that I could survive, and I have.

 

Today marks one year without a crumb of Xanax. The year has not been especially easy either, but it's much better than the way things were. Last night I fixed a meal and made meat and two vegetables. I was a food blogger and had lost the ability to multitask a meal. I could one thing but not more. I can now drive pretty much anywhere I want. The interstate does cause some anxiety, but I've done that twice now and think I'll be back to normal soon. My sleep is still fractured, but two nights ago I only woke up once during the night. That's huge for me. I hope I have another good night like that soon and then maybe every night. I could go on and on. I had a ton of physical and psychological side effects before, during, and after the taper. The big thing is that I am slowly recovering now that I'm a year out.

 

I honestly did not think I would survive getting off benzos (or staying on them either). I even gave most of my stuff away. I know this, because I see that I am short a lot of material things. My memory is still blank on a lot of the details. That's fine though. I did survive, and that was what mattered most, just getting through this nightmare and on to the other side where there is hope and light.

 

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

Wow! Thanks for sharing. Happy Anniversary and I hope you continue to get better.

Lilyann..what a story. I am always horrified at hearing about the negligent doctors and stunned at the damage done. So glad you eventually got a gp who recognized the problem and you found the path to healing!

 

Congratulations on how far you've come and that you are able to function in so many ways. Your story will bring hope to many. It would be great if  you could update this story maybe 6 months to a year from now and see how much more you will regain:)

 

May you continue to have healing and restoration in your life

Congratulations!!!!

Such great update!

 

 

You are a trooper x congratulations on this most difficult challenge, you did it! So happy for u xx

you are the definition of warrior! way to go!

 

Wow!  Thank you so much for your check in.  You are making it!   

 

Its a sobering reminder of what some of us are already in, or in for, and it shows how much heart and stamina you have.    Congratulations Lilyann........I feel so reassured by your progress.   

Fantastic story of survival, perseverance and resilience! Congratulations on all that you've accomplished thus far! May it only get better and better for you.....