24/7 severe depression for 17 months

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Hello, I think a lot of people feel severe depression with anhedonia, but they don't talk about it because it is assumed everyone has it. I have severe depression and it never lifts. I can not feel happiness whatsoever. My anhedonia worries me. I am a reader and I haven't read a book in a year. I do not care about anything and whatever it is that creates motivation is completely gone in me. My depression and anhedonia scares me more than the pain. I am merely existing. I feel nothing but anger and sadness. I can also see that my depression is not because I am in pain or sick. It is different. I feel disconnected from the world.

I am near the end of my taper (at 2mg V) and I am seriously worried about myself. I have looked through all these posts and cannot relate to anyone bar maybe 1 person. I have had the most severe form of depression ever since I started tapering the benzo in Feb 19. I am literally just clinging onto life. I do not leave my bed and I barely speak to anyone. Im almost desperate enough to try ECT at this point. My serotonin and all other feel good chemicals have simply been wiped out. I dont know if this is due to also being in AD withdrawal but I just dont think so because the depression didnt start until I tapered the benzo. I have never heard of a case like mine. I cry all day everyday and I cannot do this anymore it has been going on for so long. I also have chronic DP and anhedonia. It hasnt lifted for even 1 second. I dont know how I have survived this long. Im crying as I type this i really dont know what to do anymore i feel like the only option at this point is death because I am literally in so much pain. pls help! The only other symptom i have is insomnia so this is not situational depression this is some serious brain damage!!! i need help quick

 

I felt the same as you when I tapered benzo this spring, I thought it was because of the benzo, so I decided to jump from 2 mg Valium and only after 2 days I felt better. The depression was because of the benzo!! I only took Valiym before every 3 day or so, taking it everyday almost destroyed me. So quitting made the depression go away for me

I am probably not doing well at coping. I would have to say it is my worst symptom, and not because my symptoms aren't bad but because I would rather anything else than this sense of doom. Luckily, I still love music, so I do that A LOT. I am a teacher, and not back at work yet, so I haven't actually needed to go out and distract myself. When I have gone around other people, I become very, very exhausted and irritable. It is difficult getting through this. I have really bad anhedonia. It is so bad that I just recently learned its name because I was trying to figure out what was going on with me. I watch comedies and vines (I have a middle school sense of humor) to help and I guess I can sometimes forget it exist then. This is unlike any depression I have ever had before. I feel like I have no control of my life or how I am perceived to others. It is weird. I do fake it sometimes, but honestly that doesn't always help. Movies can sometimes help me to forget. I watched both IT movies and a movie called The House with Clocks in the Walls and I was able to forget my situation for awhile.

 

If you have any tips, I would love to hear it!

Depression has been by far my worst symptom.I could cope with the pain and stuff but depression from benzos is hands down.This chemical depression is sick hadn't experienced such in my life so I really sympathise. It had intrusive thoughts and a dark feeling of doom.I was feeling hopeless and surviving by the clock. Thank God it lifted.

Depression has been by far my worst symptom.I could cope with the pain and stuff but depression from benzos is hands down.This chemical depression is sick hadn't experienced such in my life so I really sympathise. It had intrusive thoughts and a dark feeling of doom.I was feeling hopeless and surviving by the clock. Thank God it lifted.

 

did it lift because you went on Prozac?

Yes Feebie it did...

Feebi, how are you doing?

Feebie, I had a few windows last month and now I do not get any windows. It used to be that the severe depression would lift in the evening at about 8, but that is no longer the case. The non-linear of this whole ordeal is what is concerning. I read in another post of yours that you took a stimulant and were concerned that was causing the anhedonia. I am concerned with that as well because I used to take stimulants to keep up with my busy lifestyle. After benzo withdrawal, I had to CT stimulants because they would make me very sick. I am worried that I may be withdrawing from both stimulants and benzos. Also, I am probably having a huge wave because I return to work next week and I am anxious about that. I really do not feel like I can perform my job. Besides depression, my other debilitating symptom is this spacey feeling in my head that burns, buzzes, and makes it impossible to think. I have been benzo free for 2 months and 8 days.

My heart goes out to all of you.

My depression comes and goes so at least I have a break.

It seem to go away when I am busy with something I feel is important, something that "gets me out of bed".  Something that gives meaning to life.  I had something like that for the last month.  A big project.  I thought about it morning, noon, and night.  Zero depression.  But then the project ended quickly and within 24 hours, depression set in.  I mean, I have things to be depressed about.  My wife left me May 5th after 32 years of marriage.  My kids are all grown up.  Depression is a beast.

May God have mercy on you.

 

Feebi, I hope you're right that my windows this early on are a good sign that I will heal. I CT Ambien so it hasn't been in my system for a little over 2 months. If you're tapering then it is a good possibility that you will get windows and heal. I know what you mean about this depression. It is not situational depression; I can deal with that. I have been depressed since I was about 17 after some trauma. But, I could deal with that. This depression is a monster. I cannot feel joy at all and I am apathetic. Because I am aware that I cannot feel joy, I am now obsessed with every thought and feeling in my mind and body. I wake up every morning just dreading the day and not wanting to be alive. When I was withdrawing off Lamictal, I would wake up in the morning mad that I wasn't dead. I have never felt that kind (or this kind) of depression in my life. Sure, in the past I have woken up not wanting to wake up and sleep more, but this depression upon waking was so surreal and weird. When I told my therapist, her response was, "Your disease is getting worse." Like, umm no, I was not depressed like this when I met you.

 

I had a window today of not feeling sick and the depression would lift here and there. I joked and laughed today, if that is any hope for you. How are your eating habits? I had two green smoothies today and I am wondering if that helped.

Feebi, a lot of times I am faking happiness. But, yesterday I was really laughing and joking. I am watching what I eat but I am doing a low histamine, low FODMAP diet. I could be wrong, but I think going low histamine may help with that flu feeling.

 

I am not sure how I am going to manage going back to work! My head feels like a balloon most of the time and I cannot think to save my life. I am a teacher and now have to learn several new online teaching programs because of COVID. Before I got sick, I accepted a part time job teaching a college course and that is all online. Although going back to work has increased the flu symptoms and the anxiety, I know it is not the reason for my depression. I hate how when you talk to people or doctors, they can't understand that we know our bodies and what we are feeling. When I got sick off Lamictal, I KNEW that the depression wasn't normal. I knew that it wasn't just my "illness" or being a depressed person. I knew it was foreign. I feel that way now, too. This depression is foreign and it is not of me.

Wow, I am happy to find someone who relates to me so much on here!!! I do not have any motivation, but it is more than that. I am SEVERELY tired! Like, my eyes get so tired, I fight to stay up all day because I can't go to sleep. If I try to sleep, I have a panic attack or just start to cry. I have a meeting tomorrow all day at work and I am starting to have panic attacks now because I know I can't work. I am not ready. I feel dizzy and my head has this weird uncomfortable tingly/burning feeling that makes it difficult to concentrate. Also, I have never heard of anyone talking about this, but I feel uncomfortable in my body. Like, there is this restlessness, but it is not akathesia. I want to crawl out of my body. I have been thinking about how to resign but with school about to start, COVID crisis, teaching two contents that most teachers aren't qualified for; I just don't know how to tell my supervisor I can't do this. Now, what I am about to say is probably going to make a lot of people angry but....after fighting exhaustion all day long, about one in the morning I can fall asleep and stay asleep until around 9 am. With work starting, I will have to get up like at 5 or 6 and miss the only moments I get any peace. There are times at night that my body feels like it is disintegrating into the pillow, or I have a horrible headache and then I have cortisol rushes.

 

 

Every piece of advice I hear about this mess is to let go of anger, but I feel like my life is over. I am only 32 with a lot of things finally coming together. I went to a therapist to get some anxiety under control and plus, I always heard that having a therapist is healthy. After our second visit, she started pushing a psychiatrist on me and telling me how being medicated AND having therapy would work wonders. I had already told her about my issues with medication in the past, so I declined and told her that I was very willing to try our therapy exercises to get my anxiety under control. But, she kept pushing for three visits. So, I went to the psychiatrist (he was old; I should have known better) and he convinced me that I was bipolar and that the reason I had issues with meds in the past was because they were SSRIs and not antipsychotics which is what I needed. So, after two visits, I agreed to the medication, Lamictal, because I was assured it wouldn't harm me. Whelp, after three months of tapering up, we added Buspar and all hell broke loose. I thought I was going freaking insane and I was super sick! When I told both my therapist and psychiatrist, they said that the medication had already left my system and I shouldn't be sick from it. I went through that whole ordeal on my own thinking I was either going insane or just created so freaking messed up. Ambien was prescribed to help me sleep, but I noticed that when I took it, ALL of my symptoms were gone. After taking it for months, I built tolerance and had to keep upping the dose. I didn't know I was in interdose withdrawal, I just knew Ambien made me functional for 2 to 3 hours.

 

Anyways, sorry for that long drawn out story. I am so mad at both the therapist and psych for putting me in this situation. The entire time, the psych was making me sicker and I had the privilege of paying him 70 dollars each time! I don't know how to get over it, because I tried.

Hi IcyPeppermint112! I'm so sorry about your problems. You struggle with chronic insomnia, psychiatrists who lack the ability to listen and severe depression, yet you still manage to show support in all your posts. You should be very proud of yourself, you are such an amazing human being.

How is it going at this point? Hopefully has lifted at least to some extent.

Depression - it’s been continuous straight through but noticeably worsening since July 2019.

I panic at the thought of it deepening further without end. But that’s not usually the case, it’s likely because I’ve had a long history of depression and have the propensity to it that much more going through Benzo withdrawals.

I am so sorry your depression is bad.

 

I get some relief on days where I have a project to complete and I do it and while I am doing it I feel pretty good and then satisfaction after it's done.

 

 

IcyPeppermint, sorry to hear about this but I can relate.  I have severe anhedonia.  But, I really have no emotions.  Can’t even cry really.  Just completely flat.  It’s awful.  I feel like my brain and emotions are just locked.

Dje, I can cry and feel anger and disappointment but I do not have any motivation or find joy in anything.

I am near the end of my taper (at 2mg V) and I am seriously worried about myself. I have looked through all these posts and cannot relate to anyone bar maybe 1 person. I have had the most severe form of depression ever since I started tapering the benzo in Feb 19. I am literally just clinging onto life. I do not leave my bed and I barely speak to anyone. Im almost desperate enough to try ECT at this point. My serotonin and all other feel good chemicals have simply been wiped out. I dont know if this is due to also being in AD withdrawal but I just dont think so because the depression didnt start until I tapered the benzo. I have never heard of a case like mine. I cry all day everyday and I cannot do this anymore it has been going on for so long. I also have chronic DP and anhedonia. It hasnt lifted for even 1 second. I dont know how I have survived this long. Im crying as I type this i really dont know what to do anymore i feel like the only option at this point is death because I am literally in so much pain. pls help! The only other symptom i have is insomnia so this is not situational depression this is some serious brain damage!!! i need help quick

 

I felt the same as you when I tapered benzo this spring, I thought it was because of the benzo, so I decided to jump from 2 mg Valium and only after 2 days I felt better. The depression was because of the benzo!! I only took Valiym before every 3 day or so, taking it everyday almost destroyed me. So quitting made the depression go away for me

 

Everyone is different, my worst depression has been since July of 2019.