Engaged and afraid

My boyfriend proposed and I am absolutely distraught...

 

Panic

 

Fear

 

Overwhelmed.

 

I wanted him to wait until December and he chose not to...now this.  Freak my life

I'm sorry this happened when you didn't feel ready for it.  I imagine there's no way your boyfriend could know just how much you weren't ready - I don't think anyone who hasn't traveled this road can understand.

 

Benzos seem to poison everything for us sometimes.  Benzo brain tells us change = danger and your CNS is probably scrambling to recalibrate.  I hope it settles down soon and you feel at peace about this.

 

Take care,

Brighterday

FL: talk this out on here if you are comfortable with it....what is the fear about specifically? What about this is overwhelming you?

 

Maybe some of us on here can help you reframe your concerns.

 

It seems beautiful actually, that despite what you are going through, he sees the beauty in you to want to spend the rest of his life with you. Perhaps you feel pressure now to live up to something that you need more time for in your recovery?

 

Take your time to process it, sit with it, maybe the timing is perfect and you just can't see it yet.

 

What did you tell him, yes or no?  Sorry it's too soon to deal with.

I have This ruminating thought that my Sexual orientation may be changing.  I do not know if it’s a real thought or a benzo thing or what.  But I was hoping whatever the thoughts were that they would stop and I just don’t know why I am thinking such weird things.

 

I love Him so, have since the day we met But I am a wreck, When I have windows I’m so in love yaddah yah.  When I’m in panic mode I fear I dont like men anymore.  (I just Got through a divorce)

 

I’m in fear of men maybe?

 

I  was incurious when all my friends were doing that in high school but that was the extent of it.  I fantasize About men, always have.  I honestly Have no problem being whatever I am, I’m just scared...

 

Plus, I will openly admit I had an affair with another man which is what led to my divorce.  So why in the world would my sexual orientation change now?  Like literally I’ve been questioning this for a couple of months now...why now?  Freaking benzos ruined my life.

FL-

 

I'm so sorry you're so stressed and feeling tormented this way.  It sounds like you're just not in the right place to make a big decision right now. It's too much pressure. Maybe you can explain this to your boyfriend and assure him you love him but you still have wounds from your divorce that you're sorting out and want to feel better when you give him your answer. 

 

Benzo brain makes us ruminate on stuff and spin our wheels. Sometimes it's hard to know what's real when we're in withdrawal, almost like dreams that make no sense.  A good therapist could help you process your feelings and find clarity about the proposal and your sexual orientation.

Fiercelady, are you approaching menopause?  I read somewhere that some women change their sexual orientation a bit at that time because of the hormonal changes going on. 

I'm in agreement with Brighterday......

I was working with a dependency counselor, Yesterday per your recommendation I hired a CBT/DBT PhD with over 35 years experience.  I respected my counselor greatly but it was time to work with a specialist.  I had considered working with Baylissa Frederick but this woman is part of my naturopathic family, she knows my ND.

Glad you've found someone to work with.  You'll sort this out.  Take a breath.  You don't have to have all the answers right away.