Haven't Even Started

I'm single and in my mid forties with no children. I started taking xanax due to severe facial blushing, which is weird. But it bothered me because my face would turn bright red for no reason when any attention was put on me. And I'm NOT a shy person. People would say "omgoodness look how red you are". Which only made the situation worse. It made me avoid a lot of situations because I knew my face would turn red. Which sounds absolutely stupid now that I'm typing this out!! Anyways, I researched how to stop facial blushing and what not. Somehow I got it in my mind that xanax would stop this. So I started trying to find a doctor to prescribe me some. OMG I'm a drug seeker!! Anyways, I got a prescription for it. But the doctor that I was seeing moved. (Later I found out he was in trouble for prescribing drugs that weren't necessary). So the new doctor wouldn't give me any xanax. She told me I would have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Which I didn't have a problem doing in order to get my xanax.

 

Anyways, that was like 8 years ago. I started on small dosages, but have worked my way up to 4mg a day. I am currently taking this dosage. I DO NOT want to be on this medication anymore. I am ashamed of it. I don't tell my friends and family that I take it. I KNOW it is making me stupid. I used to be really smart. I'm still smart when I concentrate. I have ZERO short term memory. I don't remember conversations from yesterday. I literally have no emotions about things I should care about on a day to day basis. I have wanted to stop for the past year and have been researching different ways to get off of it. I have tried cold turkey and thought I was dying. (I'm a little dramatic) But the withdrawal symptoms were terrible. I know I can do this, but at the same time I don't think I can!!! I am alone in this because I am ashamed of it all. I have a professional career that I'm kinda good at. I know I could be better!! People think I'm just ditzy and silly, which I am. But I have just fallen into my routine where I want to just be at home and mind my own business. My friends and family call me anti social because I NEVER want to do anything. I don't feel sad or depressed, but I have NO DESIRE to do anything that isn't required of me. LIKE NONE !!!! I want to be able to remember things again. I read and read and read about things of interest to me, but I don't remember it the next day. At least not specifics.

 

Again, I am still taking 4mg of xanax daily, as of July 24, 2020. I want and need help, but am ashamed to ask family and close friends for help. I have no idea why I am so ashamed, but I am. I want my memory to be sharp again, but I'm afraid I've put myself into the early stage of dementia. I feel like I've already ruined my brain. I have been reading and stalking on this site for about 3 months, and have finally decided to join and start this journey of getting off this medication. I'm sure this is long and rambling, but I hope to come back later and read it and see the progress. I actually feel like maybe I should start journaling. This introduction really helped me admit some things out loud (kinda) that I have kept inside my own mind for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on so much in life. Time just passes by and I don't have very much recollection of any of it. It's sad, and I don't want to live like this. This sounds depressing, but I'm really happy in life (I think?). I have a very loving family and group of life long friends. I just want to be smart again. I want someone to tell me that I am not going to be this slow forever!!! I think that's it for now !!!

Hello SmartAgainForreal, Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

Your story breaks my heart, please don't be ashamed, we all have our reasons for starting these drugs, you're among friends who won't judge you.  You're on a fairly large dose and as long as you have a Dr willing to prescribe the Xanax, you don't need to tell anyone about your taper, we'll be here for you.

 

Given you've been taking the Xanax for so long, its important go go slow, we typically suggest cutting your dose by about 5-10% every week or two but this should depend on your symptoms, you have a job so you need to remain functional. 

 

Once you taper from the Xanax and recover from the changes it made to your brain, your memory, your motivation and your love for life will return, you'll no longer be a zombie.  I was on a large dose of Klonopin and experienced much of what you describe and my life is wonderful now so don't lose hope.

 

Here are some links to help you navigate the forum and if you'd like, you can start a progress log, it's for members only and no one can respond to what you write, it's basically a journal if you're interested.

 

Planning your taper (Taper Plans)

 

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

 

Progress Logs

 

Please ask questions, we're here to help.

 

Pamster

 

 

 

Thank you so much !!! It makes me feel so much better that you said I don’t have to involve family and friends and can taper using this forum as an outlet !!!! I figured it would get the advice of telling people close to you. I know I can do this though!! I feel like the direct taper method will work best for me. But I kinda think the titration one would be worth a shot if I struggle with the other method !!! Thank you for not judging. I just want to know that I’m not permanently brain damaged !!!!!!  And I will definitely keep reading on the links you suggested. This site is great. Y’all need an app for this !! And yes I’m a total zombie !!!! I hate I let myself get to this point !!!!

Ha, I could be smarter again too. Grin.

 

If it’s any consolation to you, I am going it alone too. It is shame. I daydream about when I’m off of this and feeling good and maybe telling someone close to me that I had this dependence and got off of it. In a way, I’m happy that I’m single and alone and can do this on my own in a controlled environment. I don’t really think of myself as a zombie but maybe i am! I hope after I’m off of this, and  withdrawal symptoms have subsided that I will find a better me.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck to us both!