View From the Other Side - 5 Year Update

Hello Buddies. 

 

I am one of those often vilified around the forum.  One who healed and disappeared back into real life seemingly forgetting those left behind still in the fight.  I want to assure you all that I have not forgotten.  I still read specific threads here, but have not posted or taken an active part recently.  I am back to post this update hopefully to encourage all of you who are still in the thick of tapering, jumping and healing.  That whole nightmare we all are familiar with.  A brief summary of my history with Xanax, including my reinstatement after 2 years, is in my signature.  My last dose of .5 mgm of Xanax was July 26, 2015.  What followed was the worst time and then the best time in my life.

 

I had all the usual symptoms that cause so much misery to those of us in various stages of this journey.  Acute for me was 6-8 months of sheer torture, and included ER visits, doctor visits, a cardiologist, a neurologist, an ENT, and many tests, all of which were negative.  There were times I lay in bed with the covers over my head and waited for death.  The only two things I had going for me was a supportive husband and the sheer will to survive.  And survive I did, through grace and the healing process which went on behind the scenes seemingly despite the vagaries of a damaged nervous system.  For me, the process was one of gradual progress in a see-saw pattern.  Up one day, down the next, but always an upward trend.  Glacial though it seemed.  At year 2, I felt healed enough to write my success post and then gradually withdraw from the forum.

 

But healing was not complete, just vastly improved.  Since then I have made even more gains.  Here are some of the things I struggled with, but no longer do.

 

      Anxiety. I no longer have this.  At all.  Ever.  It was very bad in the beginning, but gradually abated.

      Balance.  One of my most debilitating problems.  It gradually improved and I am now 100% back to my baseline state.

      Blood Pressure - Initially high spikes in the 200/120 range.  Was started on Blood pressure meds, which still did not control it.  Over time, it

            stabilized out and now it is very stable, albeit I am still on meds.  Hypertension runs in my family and I feel certain this would be an issue without

            the trauma of withdrawal.

        Coffee - a former coffee lover, I gave it all up during acute, but can now drink it again.  I am not the 6-8 cup per day gal anymore, but the 2-

              3 cups seem perfectly fine.

        Wine - Also given up until year 3. Now back on the menu, although my tolerance is not what it once was, I can drink 2-3 glasses of wine

              without issue and I'm happy with that.

        Exercise - Could barely walk across the room before.  Now I use a treadmill and have no problem hitting and maintaining my target heart

              rate.  I also do yoga, some strength training, and walk outside whenever I want.  I have plenty of energy and stamina to do whatever I want to

              do without restriction.

        Travel - This was a thing of the past until after year 3.  Pre covid, I can and have traveled widely internationally without any trouble on

              several occasions.

        Diet- During the process, I had multiple food sensitivities, but no longer have to think about it at all.

        Weight - I gained 15 pounds and absolutely could not get it off until year 4 no matter what I tried.  Year 4-5, it all came off without me

              focusing on it very much at all.  I can only assume the ability to exercise as well as the normalization of body processes contributed.

        Hair and Skin - I lost so much hair at first that I considered a wig.  I developed many skin rashes, itching, rosacea, dryness and more.  Now,

                my hair and skin are  back to their former state, also during year 4.

        Vitamins. I could not tolerate the B Vitamins, even in small doses.  They made me itch and throw up.  Around year 2, I began to take

                pediatric gummy vitamins and gradually increased the dose.  Now I am back to taking adult multivitamins without issue.

 

I mentioned earlier that the best time of my life followed this whole ordeal.  I really mean that.  Having come through the fire, I feel like I almost lost and then regained my life.  I have a new appreciation for that life.  For the simple joys of feeling good.  The other simple things like a good meal, time spent with friends and family, the beauty of a sunset, a good book, a completed creative endeavor.  Some of my previous priorities have gone by the wayside.  I don't care too much what people think of me.  I don't need "things" to make me happy..  I am grateful every day for what I have and for my health and my life as it is now.

 

To those of you still in the struggle.  Hold on!  I promise you will get through this nightmare.  You will heal and regain who you once were.  That person is not gone forever, just dormant until the equilibrium returns.  The human body is a marvelous thing.  It can and does heal itself in many situations.  Your daily job is to just survive until that happens.  I am sending all you mighty warriors lovely thoughts from one who has gone before, who has been in the battle of her life, and who came out on the other side better than before, just as you will.

 

This is by no means a complete detailed account of my experience.  I'm sure time and my memory have caused omissions and errors.  If you have specific questions, I will be glad to try and help.

 

She

 

 

Congratulations!! We all need hope and this is exactly what I'm talking about. I am 20 months off and the vestibular issues are getting worse. Can you explain how this progressed to healing for you? Again, congratulations and thank you for coming back and sharing your success story 

Thank you SheWhoMust, I never fault anyone for moving on once they recover from this nightmare, I myself left the forum only to return 8 years later to lend a helping hand.  I do appreciate you writing your success story, I used to live for them, clinging to the hope they offered and you've just given hope to many. 

I so needed this tonight! Thank you so so much! Congratulations!

Thank you, She. It's nice to hear from you again, and to learn that you're doing well.

 

 

Katz

 

 

Bless your heart she!

Your effort is life saving for so many!

 

Have you ever had wd related muscle issues?

Best wishes!

4 mom

Congratulations!! We all need hope and this is exactly what I'm talking about. I am 20 months off and the vestibular issues are getting worse. Can you explain how this progressed to healing for you? Again, congratulations and thank you for coming back and sharing your success story 

 

Hello Tidefan.  I'm sorry you are dealing with balance issues too.  That was the most daunting of my symptoms.  I have always had mild balance issues since a child, probably due to chronic sinus problems.  But things went warp speed downhill during benzo withdrawal.  I always felt like I was on a boat in rough waters.  Sometimes the room would spin and I would have to lay down and hold on.  My PCP sent me for an ENT evaluation, which didn't turn up anything on exam, except it was noted that I had small diameter eustachian tubes, but that didn't explain the balance issues.  He wanted me to progress to a full workup - MRI etc, but I declined, knowing in my heart it would not reveal anything.  Gradually, very gradually, that issue got better.  That's the only way I can put it.  Progress was imperceptible at first.  Whenever I had to walk around, I held onto things - the wall, furniture etc.  When out, my husband held my hand.  Everyone thought "how cute is that!" but it was for my balance even though I love him dearly LOL.  Anyway, that is now a thing of the past and I am back to baseline.  Although me and hubby still hold hands on our daily neighborhood walks and when out in public.  We found that we liked it and that's one good thing that came from all that mess.

 

I hope your issues resolve soon.  Mine did over time, I would say after year 2 it was much better and then over the next year or so, went away completely.  Maybe you can take some comfort from that.

 

She

Thank you SheWhoMust, I never fault anyone for moving on once they recover from this nightmare, I myself left the forum only to return 8 years later to lend a helping hand.  I do appreciate you writing your success story, I used to live for them, clinging to the hope they offered and you've just given hope to many. 

 

Thank you for your kind words Pam.

 

She

I so needed this tonight! Thank you so so much! Congratulations!

 

Thank you Warrior24!  I hope you are heartened by my experience.  I wish you well on your journey.

 

She

 

 

Thank you, She. It's nice to hear from you again, and to learn that you're doing well.

 

 

Katz

 

Thank you Katz!  I miss the old Puddings gang.  Maybe its time to jump back in there!

She

Bless your heart she!

Your effort is life saving for so many!

 

Have you ever had wd related muscle issues?

Best wishes!

4 mom

 

Hello 4mom,

 

Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, I had some muscle issues early on in acute.  I had "jelly legs" where my legs would tremble and I would have to sit down wherever I was because I feared collapsing.  I also had twitches everywhere that were very annoying.  My left eye twitched uncontrollably for about 6 months.  Also I had spasms in my neck, and in my "nether regions" that came and went also for about 6 months.  My muscle issues were no longer a problem after acute, about 6 months in.  Whatever your problems, I wish you speedy healing and strength for the journey.

 

She

Thank you for sharing this, She. It's so good to hear from you again and know you're doing well. I also would never fault another person for moving on with their life. We each do what we need to do to get free of the benzo beast. So very happy that you did!

Gard

 

Thank you for your kind words Gard.  Hope you are doing well.  You might just see me on the Puddings thread anon!

 

She

I’m so glad you’re better and can live your life!  Did you have DP/DR or brain fog?

I’m so glad you’re better and can live you’re life!  Did you have DP/DR or brain fog?

 

Hello stereotokyo,

 

YES I most certainly had DP/DR throughout acute and beyond.  It was a very scary and daunting symptom.  I would look at my face in the mirror and struggle to recognize myself.  The DR waxed and waned.  It was very difficult to look at someone and talk to them because often their features seemed exaggerated.  People and objects seemed to be at odd angles and proportions.  This particular feature would get a lot worse when confronted with high noise levels, bright lights, and other sensory input.  I would often lay down in a darkened room for a while and get up much better.  It got a lot better after acute, but took another year to go away mostly.  Then perhaps another year when the right circumstances such as stress could bring it back.  Now, completely gone.  As for brain fog, yes that too.  Early on I had trouble thinking through any problem, simple or complex.  I had trouble reading and comprehending what I had read, also simple things like writing a check.  But that too gradually lifted and now gone.

 

Whatever you are struggling with, I wish you speedy healing and strength for this daunting journey.  You will get there too.

 

She

I’m so glad you’re better and can live you’re life!  Did you have DP/DR or brain fog?

 

Hello stereotokyo,

 

YES I most certainly had DP/DR throughout acute and beyond.  It was a very scary and daunting symptom.  I would look at my face in the mirror and struggle to recognize myself.  The DR waxed and waned.  It was very difficult to look at someone and talk to them because often their features seemed exaggerated.  People and objects seemed to be at odd angles and proportions.  This particular feature would get a lot worse when confronted with high noise levels, bright lights, and other sensory input.  I would often lay down in a darkened room for a while and get up much better.  It got a lot better after acute, but took another year to go away mostly.  Then perhaps another year when the right circumstances such as stress could bring it back.  Now, completely gone.  As for brain fog, yes that too.  Early on I had trouble thinking through any problem, simple or complex.  I had trouble reading and comprehending what I had read, also simple things like writing a check.  But that too gradually lifted and now gone.

 

Whatever you are struggling with, I wish you speedy healing and strength for this daunting journey.  You will get there too.

 

She

 

Thank you for the detailed response and for giving hope to everyone still going through it. Did you have any eye symptoms?

She: Thank you so much for this post....needed this for sure! You know how overwhelming this can be. Your post will bring life to many. May you continue to live life to the fullest

 

 

Thank you for the detailed response and for giving hope to everyone still going through it. Did you have any eye symptoms?

 

I'm not sure if I had eye problems from benzo withdrawal or not.  I suspect I might have.  Let me explain.  My eyesight is very bad from childhood.  I am very nearsighted in the -6.00 range both eyes with astigmatism.  I wear contact lenses much of the time, the mono kind where one eye sees close up and one eye sees distance.  At other times I simply wore my Rx glasses.  It got very difficult to wear my contact lenses.  Somehow the brain seemed confused when tasked with adjusting one eye for seeing distance and one eye for close up.  Also, my glasses seemed to not correct my vision as it once did.  My vision seemed more blurry than usual.  When doing things that needed extreme close focus, I usually take out my contact lenses and hold the work extremely close and I can see perfectly that way, but not during withdrawal.  I lost that ability to have uncorrected extreme close focus.  I did have an eye exam at about year one, but my Rx had not changed.  All I know is that whatever that was, whether withdrawal, age, shifting between contacts and glasses, ect, all is now back to normal.  If you are having eye/vision problems, I hope they pass quickly.

 

She

She: Thank you so much for this post....needed this for sure! You know how overwhelming this can be. Your post will bring life to many. May you continue to live life to the fullest

 

Thank you for your kind words Trina75.  I wish you well also in whatever stage you find yourself in.

 

She

Congratulations!! We all need hope and this is exactly what I'm talking about. I am 20 months off and the vestibular issues are getting worse. Can you explain how this progressed to healing for you? Again, congratulations and thank you for coming back and sharing your success story 

 

Hello Tidefan.  I'm sorry you are dealing with balance issues too.  That was the most daunting of my symptoms.  I have always had mild balance issues since a child, probably due to chronic sinus problems.  But things went warp speed downhill during benzo withdrawal.  I always felt like I was on a boat in rough waters.  Sometimes the room would spin and I would have to lay down and hold on.  My PCP sent me for an ENT evaluation, which didn't turn up anything on exam, except it was noted that I had small diameter eustachian tubes, but that didn't explain the balance issues.  He wanted me to progress to a full workup - MRI etc, but I declined, knowing in my heart it would not reveal anything.  Gradually, very gradually, that issue got better.  That's the only way I can put it.  Progress was imperceptible at first.  Whenever I had to walk around, I held onto things - the wall, furniture etc.  When out, my husband held my hand.  Everyone thought "how cute is that!" but it was for my balance even though I love him dearly LOL.  Anyway, that is now a thing of the past and I am back to baseline.  Although me and hubby still hold hands on our daily neighborhood walks and when out in public.  We found that we liked it and that's one good thing that came from all that mess.

 

I hope your issues resolve soon.  Mine did over time, I would say after year 2 it was much better and then over the next year or so, went away completely.  Maybe you can take some comfort from that.

 

She

 

Thanks so much, She! It gives me so much hope! And how sweet that you  and your hubby continue to hold hands... I love that!

 

Enjoy your new benzo free life! 💘

She..... thank you so much for coming back and sharing your success story. Success stories such as yours give me and those who are still struggling hope that healing do happens. I am sooooo very happy that you are doing well. It is so sweet that you and your husband continue to hold hands, a gesture of love and caring.

 

May you continue to receive peace, joy, love and wellness and  live your life to the fullest!

 

Blessings!

Pi

She..... thank you so much for coming back and sharing your success story. Success stories such as yours give me and those who are still struggling hope that healing do happens. I am sooooo very happy that you are doing well. It is so sweet that you and your husband continue to hold hands, a gesture of love and caring.

 

May you continue to receive peace, joy, love and wellness and  live your life to the fullest!

 

Blessings!

Pi

 

Pi236 Thank you.  I hope your journey is progressing towards healing too.  Press on you will get there!

 

She

She: I have a question...do you work? Did you return to a job and if so when and how? I just like to hear peoples experiences with this as one day I would like to again:)

 

thanks for your time,

Trina

She: I have a question...do you work? Did you return to a job and if so when and how? I just like to hear peoples experiences with this as one day I would like to again:)

 

thanks for your time,

Trina

 

Hi Trina,

 

No, I did not work during this entire ordeal.  I was very fortunate to not have to.  Nor have I returned to work since.  My heart goes out to anyone in this situation who doesn't have the option to stay home until fully healed before thinking about returning to work.  Good luck whatever you decide to do.

 

She

 

Wow, what a wonderful, detailed update you've shared with us, SheWhoMust! Thank you SO much for coming back and telling us how you've been. Obviously, I'm in good company here with the others who appreciate that you took the time to do so.

 

I wish you all the best! Thanks again. 

Wow, what a wonderful, detailed update you've shared with us, SheWhoMust! Thank you SO much for coming back and telling us how you've been. Obviously, I'm in good company here with the others who appreciate that you took the time to do so.

 

I wish you all the best! Thanks again. 

 

Thank you Lapis!  The osteo supplement thread is one I continue to read and I appreciate your contributions there.

 

She