18 months off 2mg Klonopin per day for 3.5 years CT (DO NOT CT)

Audio recording of the below for those who are unable to read:

 

Hi friends. I am 18 months off a CT of 2mg of K per day (DO NOT CT). I was prescribed it for 3.5 years. I was also prescribed 40mg of amphetamines for 1.5 years.* I quit this CT at the same time. I wanted to share my experience and hope for those going through what can feel like such an unnatural hell. I’d like to frame it using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as I found myself in turmoil on every level of being.  My symptoms were severe, but if I had managed a slow and steady taper my withdrawal would’ve been more manageable.

 

Please note that I am not a doctor nor a scientist; everything I share is purely my own perspective and is not medical advice.

 

1. Physiological needs

1a. Diet

After some trial and error, I found that a strict keto diet helped me the most. I consumed high amounts of protein, minimal amounts of carbs, and avoided sugar, spice, and everything nice (i.e. all processed foods). Seriously, the blander the better. A typical meal for me consisted of a single chicken breast seasoned with pepper and a small serving of vegetables. I stayed away from comfort foods, prepackaged meals, restaurant meals, and hot sauces. My taste buds got last priority.

 

I also found that eating 6 small meals per day as opposed to 3 large ones helped to reduce my symptoms. Having an empty stomach or digesting a large meal seemed to give me more anxiety whereas having a small amount of food in my stomach seemed to provide some relief.

 

As for liquids, coffee thrust me into horrible states of panic and alcohol, while providing some relief in the moment, made my symptoms considerably worse the following day. I stuck with water. I can say that, at 18 months, I am able to consume both coffee and alcohol more or less normally, though I choose to avoid the latter as I continue to heal.

 

Lastly, because maintaining my diet was so critical to my general wellbeing, I found my times in rehab and psych wards to be personally detrimental. The food was largely high carb and caloric and, as a result, my entire stays in these institutions were spent in the worst waves of acute. Due to the mental state I was in, I was unaware that food was the cause of my suffering until I had a plain chicken breast meal and my symptoms let up tremendously. Diet is so, so important.

 

2a. Sleep

In a way, I was fortunate to be coming off of amphetamines at the same time. Without the speed it was used to, my body just wanted to sleep and sleep. At months 5-6, I did take melatonin for a time but found that it significantly increased my depression the following day. Once acute ended at about month 7, I could take melatonin again.

 

I’m sorry I can’t be of more help in this area. I know a lot of people struggle with this. I can say that the further I’ve come along, the more my sleep has improved, to the point where I’m amazed just how rejuvenating and refreshing sober sleep is. I dream again and I wake up with energy. I think this has been one of the greatest factors in the vast improvement in my quality of life.

 

3a. Exercise

I stayed indoors for the majority of my withdrawal and found little to no motivation to exercise. The few times I did, however, I felt so much better. Going for a run seemed to decrease my anxiety and stress tremendously. If I couldn’t run, I would walk, mostly in the early mornings when my symptoms were most severe. Lifting weights was somewhat less enjoyable given the agoraphobia, but I have heard people say that this helped them a lot too.

 

Sometimes, when I couldn’t leave my room, I would put on house music and dance. This helped not only as a physical but also a creative outlet. Mostly, I would just try to love myself even when I knew I’d be better off exercising but couldn’t get out of bed.

 

2. Safety needs

1b. Personal security (I’m sort of combining this with Shelter which would be a Physiological need)

I withdrew on the 11th floor of a Manhattan apartment in a generally chaotic living situation. We had 7 animals, including a lorikeet. The sound of its screeching in tandem with the traffic on Broadway was almost too much to bear (I was so sensitive to sound). When I moved home to my parent’s house at months 4-5, I immediately felt relief. They live on a river and having nature around helped calm my nerves. The greenery and quiet was so soothing. (There were, however, emotional stresses in moving home, which are touched upon in ‘3c. Family’ below)

 

In short, the safer, less chaotic, and more in control I felt in my environment, the easier it became to deal with the withdrawal. This is another reason why I found rehab/psych wards to be a poor place in acute. I had no control, and thus felt trapped.

 

2b. Emotional security (more on this under ‘Belonginess & love needs’ below)

I’ve found that very few people, except others who have gone through this, can ever truly understand it. To those around me, my behavior in acute made no sense. To me, I was just trying to cope with this flood of newfound emotions. Looking back, I coped poorly. If I had known of these online communities during withdrawal, I would have used them as my first line of support prior to engaging friends and family.

 

Even at 18 months, I’ve found benzo support Zoom meetings to be really helpful. The following are the ones I am currently aware of (please note that the first two have attendee limits and I am omitting links due to site rules):

• Benzo Hope NYC (Meetup)
  Saturdays at 2pm EDT
  
• Benzo Withdrawal Support Group (Meetup)
  Wednesdays at 12pm EDT and Sundays at 2pm EDT
  
• Benzo Warrior Round Table (Facebook)
  Tuesdays at 4:30pm EDT
  

 

If you are aware of other Zoom meetings, please post them below. I think, ideally, we would have at least one meeting available per day. The isolation in withdrawal can be intense, and the more we do to combat this through mutual support the better! 

 

Lastly, I would like to mention that I found a downside to over-engaging online forums (e.g. Benzo Buddies). The more I read of other people’s anguish, the more I began to dwell on my own symptoms, and thus my net suffering increased. In the Ashton Manuel, Dr. Ashton states, “Many ‘withdrawal symptoms’ are simply due to fear of withdrawal (or even fear of that fear).” While this quote seemed a bit unsympathetic to me in acute, it is true that the less I lived in the problem (symptoms/fear) and the more I lived in the solution (healing/recovery), the better off I was. The symptoms DO pass. Positive thinking was critical.

 

3b. Financial security

I went into withdrawal with about 20 grand saved up. I now have a couple hundred (quarantine has been a huge stressor on this). While I had quit my job 3 months prior to withdrawing—the drugs made it impossible to maintain—I definitely couldn’t work in acute. It took me about 7 months into my CT to even entertain the idea of working again. I used to work at a top advertising agency; at month 10 I got a job as a barback. I’m now a server. I moved out of New York and into a small city.

 

At the risk of sounding too self-rationalizing, I’m actually at peace with this. I’ve managed to rebuild my life. I make enough to afford my own apartment and basic needs. While my earning potential has been slashed, I find that I’m happier working on my feet than I was in an office. There is a hurt pride element in going from the 30th floor of Manhattan office building to serving shots at a small urban bar but honestly, it’s all just so absurd and I can’t help but laugh. I’m back at work now and am enjoying it.

 

I know finances are hard on everyone and I wish I could help more. I’ve heard numerous stories of people going on disability while withdrawing, which is certainly worth looking into.

 

3. Belongingness & love needs

1c. Friendships

While my initial instinct was to reach out to close friends in my state of utter agony, I found this to be a double-edged sword. In my lack of self-awareness and poor emotional regulation, I damaged many of my most precious relationships. I was hurting people and yet, in the moment, I couldn’t realize it. In retrospect, I should’ve warned my friends ahead of time that I would be going through intense emotional changes (almost like a second puberty) and that I would appreciate their support but I wouldn’t be much myself. I might have even preferred to distance myself completely until after the first 6 months. Keep in mind I was CT; if I had tapered I imagine I could have controlled myself better.

 

2c. Intimacy

I found sex to be a great relief in terms of providing distraction, but in retrospect I made a lot of regrettable decisions while in acute. Without a steady partner, I’d tell my past self that it’s best to abstain.

 

3c. Family

I was very fortunate in that both my parents are alive and they allowed me to live at home for a bit. That being said, this came with its own challenges. Something about withdrawal made me relive childhood traumas in a very visceral way, and being around my parents caused me to lash out like a teenager. In this respect, my thoughts are similar to ‘1c. Friendships’ above.

 

At about month 7 I could begin handling relationships much better. Here an old AA adage rings true: “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” These days I’ve begun making amends for how I was in acute and am able to have happy, healthy relationships. I’m capable of empathizing and connecting again. Perhaps I can empathize even more.

 

4. Esteem needs

Before starting benzos, my mental health was shit. I was full of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. Of course, benzos made it all much worse. As I’ve been waking up from my time in the benzo blanket, I’ve been faced with the additional shame and guilt of my addiction/dependence. Why didn’t I do more research? What kind of person was I on those drugs? How could I let this happen to me? Am I a masochist?

 

I think withdrawing is in itself an act of self-love. Anyone that bears this level of pain and suffering has to be a fighter and has to be strong. For me, it’s been a rediscovery of who I am, like being reborn. I’ve relived every trauma and every heartbreak in the deepest chasms of soul. I still have a lot to work through, but at least now, at 18 months, I’m intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually able to do so. My general wellbeing and sense of self is eons ahead of what it was while on benzos and especially while getting off. I can finally feel, I can finally laugh, and, while I can probably finally love, I’m just happy to be able to cry for now.

 

5. Self-actualization

I would’ve laughed if you had talked to me about self-actualization while in acute because mostly I was just fighting for my life. Still, there is one thing I’d like to mention: creativity. While I struggled to find any utility in the suffering, my withdrawal did open the floodgates of inspiration so to speak. Musically, I was able to come up with things I would’ve never been able to otherwise. I couldn’t read, but I could write poems. Then I found drawing to be helpful when I couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling. At the least, these were distractions; at the most, they helped me to reclaim my humanity after being so terribly sedated for such a long time.

_______________

 

I turned 25 two weeks ago. My early 20s are gone. My memories of them are hazy and foreign, as if I teleported in time from the moment I first took K. My childhood hopes and dreams are ashes. I do not write this to demoralize anyone, only to say that the sense of loss in withdrawal is perhaps the most existentially painful feeling of all. I’m healing from that too. I can now say that the further I get from the pills, the less I dwell in misery and regret and the more I live in acceptance. I’m regaining a lust for life that I never could have imagined on benzos. In a way, life is more beautiful having known the depths of hell. I’m forming new hopes and new dreams.

 

If anyone is struggling and wants to talk, please feel free to message me. I’ll do what I can to help, even if that just means listening. You are not alone, and every day you are healing. It just takes time. Patience is a virtue, and self-compassion is key. It gets so much better.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

*My K dose started at 1mg per day and my amphetamine prescription started at 20mg per day but within a few months these were both up to the aforementioned amounts. I also took about a half dozen emergency doses of K during my CT when the pain was unbearable. These doses were all met with terrible rebound effects after the 3-day half-life wore off but at least I never had a seizure.

 

Thank you for being you and sharing your experience so thoughtfully.  I will be reading it quite often in the future I suspect.

Cole: Such introspective writing...the insanely detailed soul searching we all do in this process. I love how you broke it down in to Maslows hierarchy of needs - its so true.

 

I am happy for you that you are seeing life come back to you! I am also glad to hear that you have been able to be free of the  meds at such a young age.

I know you write about how hopes and dreams are gone, but you are young (you may not think so or feel it) and have many wonderful years ahead of you. I think we all go through a process of rebuilding. Its definitely unsettling and challenging, but ultimately our goal now is to be happy and content which puts all our life decisions in perspective.

 

thank you for posting your journey:)

Dear Colejarin, Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful, helpful success story!  Best of luck to you! Flibberty

You nailed it! That's a great story and your advice is wonderful. I really don't know how anyone can CT off of benzos and I hope doctors are helpful in a withdrawal plan with their patients. Thanks and good luck to you. 

So well written, thank you.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you for sharing and glad you succeeded.  Did you have any physical pain symptoms and how are they now?

 

Thank you everyone for the kind words!

 

Thank you for sharing and glad you succeeded.  Did you have any physical pain symptoms and how are they now?

 

I definitely had physical symptoms but the mental ones were so intense that I didn't pay much attention to them. Now I have hardly any; perhaps a stiff neck but that's about it.