Life is good

Hi All,

I have been putting this off for a while now. One because I didn’t want to jinx myself in case it was temporary and secondly it was a lot to relive. Not everyone will be able to relate to my story but most of the ingredients should sound familiar. Mine is a story of abuse that started with a prescription of Valium for anxiety that was getting almost unbearable to live with. To begin, one or two 5mg Valium would be sufficient to stop the anxiety but that quickly turned to 3 then 4 then 5. I eventually decided I would not even wait for anxiety to take hold and just be medicated all the time. This theory seemed to work well but I was constantly needing more to have the same effect and most of you know how that story goes although probably not as extreme as my case.

At the end of 2019 I had had enough of the prison addiction had created. I could not leave the house unless I knew I had sufficient medication on hand just in case. Seemingly little events that caused minimal distress would be reason enough to take another pill. I had no idea what my daily dose was as I took them as needed so I chose a dose of approximately 6mg of Xanax to start a reduction. It was obviously to low as my anxiety sky rocketed. Instead of up dosing and finding a better starting point I stupidly held on and experienced some of the worst anxiety of my life. I had not found benzobuddies at this stage so did not have a well thought out taper plan and cut approximately half a mg a week. This was torture and I was not functioning. A psychiatrist that I have seen through the years recommended hospitalisation and ECT as I was not getting any better even with raising the dose of my antidepressants. The hell continued till I reached 1.5 mg per day, not wanting this to continue I jumped on 6th of January 2020.

 

Now the fun begins, week one was hard but little did I know it gets much worse. I had no idea the insanity I would endure. Physically I must say I was not as bad as some but mentally words don’t do justice to the months that came. I honestly felt life an astronaut who was trapped on another planet. Nothing made sense familiar faces seemed alien to me. Even time with my children was like spending time with some one else’s kids. I was disconnected from the world and even worse I was disconnected from myself. I had no idea who I was.  The Intrusive OCD thoughts and anxiety I had in taper had turned into something else. It was now more like paranoia not anxiety. I could spend days at home without showering, sleeping, eating or talking. I was lost and alone, explaining this to someone else would have just sounded crazy. If I did leave the house I would think people could see the insanity in my mind I was constantly aware of everything I was sure they were judging me. Forgetting words mid-sentence of thumbeling with my seatbelt as if I was trapped was common. Even walking was not easy I had a constant feeling I was somehow walking stiff or at an angle if that makes sense lol.  My only person to share this with was Pamster form the forum. Without her help I am not sure how I would have copped. I won’t go into too much more as it can be quite grim and I’m sure most will know all too well anyway.

 

Now the good part, approximately 2 and a half months in and I turned a corner. I didn’t have waves and windows like most but a constant hell from day one. One day it was just much less. I was so happy to finally see some light when I was really ready to give up. Even though I still had severe depression and fatigue most of my physical symptoms where gone and I had started to sleep so I Just made peace with the idea that this was my new normal, as bad as it was it was still much better than in acute. To my surprise it improved further another month or two later. I am truly in the best head space I have been in my life. I laugh and joke. I can enjoy my own company and feel comfortable in my own skin. Depression is almost zero and so is anxiety. The small episodes of anxiety that I now feel are manageable and I am learning to cope medication free. I can think clearly and mostly in a positive way. I have the exact same life stressor’s I had previously but I am looking at them through different eyes and they just do not seem so bad any more.

 

Now for a few things that helped me:

• Exercise, as much as I didn’t want to do it I forced myself

• Routine, set some tasks , as much as you can handle

• Distraction, Probably my most important or I would just sit around in my own misery

• Avoid alcohol, massive setback

• Eat clean

• Fake being normal , lol

 

For everyone out there thinking you have done some permanent damage or this is the new normal it is not, things do improve. Find the strength to fight on as there is an end to all the madness. In my case I actually think a better person has emerged from the rubble. It is a day to day struggle and you will need to fight for every minute of that day but it will be one day closer to recovery and that recovery is bliss.

 

Thanks again for all your support Pamster.

 

Regards

 

Andrew

 

 

Congratulations bro.May you keep even healing more every second.

Congrats  :thumbsup: and great story. I am right behind you and felt and feeling exactly the same what you have mentioned. My main symptoms are unreal type feelings and that causes panic inside me and I can't drive or go out by myself. My last dose was on Feb 20. Hope I feel back to normal some day...Thank you for writing your story as it gives hope to so many people ...Take care

Wonderful story Andrew, and proof that even after a quick taper from a high benzo dosage there will be healing.  I'm so happy for you, and looking forward to the day I can write my own story.

 

Cheers,

        RR

Andrew,

 

You did it, not the easy way with your fast taper from a high dose, but you did it.

 

I have the exact same life stressor’s I had previously but I am looking at them through different eyes and they just do not seem so bad any more.

 

 

 

This is exactly how I felt once healed, I no longer sweated the small or even big stuff. Everything pales in comparison to benzo withdrawal.

 

Congratulations to you.

 

pianogirl 

You are still on a medication other than benzos?

Andrew, I'm so happy for you, thank you for writing your story, there are parts to it I wasn't aware of even though I shared some of it with you.  How you got to where you were was exactly how I arrived there as well.  I began to take the drug just in case and that lead to doses I'm still not certain of, that's why my signature says 6-10 mgs of Klonopin a day.

 

You and your family deserve every bit of happiness your recovery affords you, you stayed strong and you continue to visit the forum to offer encouragement to others, you are a success story. 

You are still on a medication other than benzos?

 

 

Yes on 60mg Avanza and 60mg Cymbalta. I Hope if I can keep my mental health stable I will reduce and stop these.

 

I've come to realize mental fitness takes work to not relapse. good mental health is a journey not a destination.

 

 

Edit: Mixed Quote:

I would have struggled without your help Pamster. Thanks again

Such a fabulous story! Enjoyed your writing Andrew!

 

When Did you start the other 2 meds?

 

 

Such a fabulous story! Enjoyed your writing Andrew!

 

When Did you start the other 2 meds?

 

I have been on ADs since about 2010. on varying doses with varying success. I found them to help when I was at my lowest but it is not always easy to find the right one or the correct dose.

 

they may get you there part of the way and you will need to do the rest with therapy for example.

 

 

Edit: Mixed Quote:

Congratulations Andrew

 

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story.  I know It hasn't been easy for you, but you did it!!  I am sure this will inspire others who are struggling.

 

Have a great life

 

Magrita

Thanks so much for sharing your success story! It gives me hope that I will get through this too. I'm so glad you have healed so well. That definitely gives me hope that this isn't permanent. 😊