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It really doesn't get any worse during withdrawal


[Ju...]

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So my symptoms have gotten worse at 12 months, instead of better. They are not nearly as bad as they were at the beginning, but they started to decrease only to increase again. I've actually been pretty much delusional for the last month.

 

My ears started ringing again and I was burning up and then I got really cold throughout the day, like ice cold again. I started to realize the majority of my pain is from withdrawal, because when I do get a window, most of it goes away. So I've been in severe pain for an entire year.

 

The paranoia and anxiety is ridiculous even at 12 months, it's like I can't even go shopping, in fact sometimes I can't. I don't have anybody to do any shopping for me or support me. I ended up homeless again, right in the middle of withdrawal. I was also hospitalized. I spent 20 days in patient for no reason because it didn't help. That was forced on me.

 

Ever since I quit my Klonopin cold turkey last year, I went through a divorce through out-of-state, I had a child custody hearing and lost custody because I wasn't working, I got evicted from my home. And then I went to a vacation rental, but then coronavirus came along. And then I was pulled out of it by the cops and put in a hospital.

 

Oh yeah, and last year I was in the hospital as well. They didn't help, they relapsed me. Or kindled however you want to say it. And everybody has treated me like a drug addict, maybe I am maybe I'm not doesn't really matter right now. And then after this loss of time, over the last few weeks my withdrawal symptoms have gotten severe.

 

And the cops gave me a charge for trespassing, because my mental health provider did not want to pay for the hotel. And then Social Services has emergency money but doesn't want to use it because they claim this isn't an emergency, even without housing during Coronavirus. With severe mental health problems.

 

My family is telling me I don't have anything wrong with me even though I've been diagnosed by many mental health professionals as bipolar and PTSD and agoraphobia. They told me I can't play the mental health victim card. But I pretty much I'm the victim. And everybody is telling me if I want money, to get a job. But I'm disabled.

 

And then disability is taking too long, it's not going to be much longer because I finally got them everything they needed, but the whole process takes way too long. Right now the average time is 16 to 20 months. Luckily I got that a dire need through the Senators.

 

My mental health people are not helping me, but instead threatening me that if I email properties that are too expensive to live at, they can charge me with harassment charges. I'm like well who do I send the links to then? Everybody wants to say that's not their problem.

 

I can't go shopping half the time because of my symptoms from withdrawal, this post withdrawal is severe still. So when that happens, I have to starve. Nobody will help me out. The county and the state are no assistance. I'm starting to lose it very quickly. Now I'm starting to act like a lunatic because the stress has taken over.

 

I just want the withdrawal to be over so that I can do something about my life, instead of relying on the system. The system is horrible and it seems to be against people like myself. I talked to my therapist about all of this today, and she doesn't know what to do. My doctor said I'm doing everything right, just to keep fighting. But there's nothing he can do to help either.

 

All I have left is benzo buddies and my cell phone and post withdrawal boards to talk about symptoms. I wish my symptoms would go away because they're really bad. Either way I've got this, it's just a temporary time in history, in the future. Until then, it's the present.

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[2c...]

Wow...

 

I said a prayer for you.  I am sorry you are suffering so badly.  The system is difficult to rely upon, but it is there as a safety net.  I hope You are sheltered, take it one day at a time.  Mental health issues are very serious and unfortunately unless people have lived it they really can’t possibly understand. 

 

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Thank you. Yes mental health problems are very serious. I've been hospitalized three times in the previous year, and each time it's of no use. Every time I go to the hospital, doctors and nurses want to act like it's not possible that I'm having benzo withdrawal. And then they treat me like a criminal or a drug addict even though I'm not there for drugs.

 

And it's been 10 years since I applied for disability I had it hasn't been approved yet, but I finally got them what they needed so the Appeals Council in Falls Church Virginia should approve at this time. I've got doctor's letters and everything. And my Medicaid has been taking over a year, so hopefully they can get it together.

 

And my housing, they don't want to work with the landlord's I have sent them. They're trying to get me to live in the ghetto, instead of letting me choose where.

 

So the whole system is against me it seems like. It's supposed to be there to help but it's not helping me. Hopefully things will change.

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Yup, I have been in this wheel. For years. In the end, all worked out. And so it will for you.

 

My advice is not to see yourself as a victim. Self-pity does not help. You use this word very often and I totally get it that you feel like a victim.

This happens to many many people on this planet, as I said, I was in the same boat once. I still don't understand how I could get all papers together and finally, get the money form the authorities and so on. Still I dont get any help regarding an apartment.

 

But I noticed that nothing good happened in the time I felt like a total victim and I was telling me that every second. It was a user here on the board who gave me some tough love and told me to save that energy and give it into the things I really needed to do. And that was: Step. By. Step.

 

Yes. It's unfair. Yes. It seems you will not make it and no one understands. Thats reality. This is presence, - but this has not to be your future.

First step: Off benzos. Check - you did it.

 

Next step: Argue with authorities, paperwork for divorce and everything...

 

And then... and so on.

 

I sadly have to say that the good steps are at the end of the list. Like finding good friends, who understand. Because right now, you need to survive day by day and do what you can.

 

Try not to fight against what is happening too much.If you have to move into a ghetto first, well, then you have to do that. Later you will find a better solution. I had to make countless compromises and some years, I really found no sense in anything. Looking back, I can now see how I crawled back into a normal life, but being in there - well, it feels like EVERYONE is against you.

 

You will meet good people, you will feel better symptom wise. It is normal, under such a pressure, that your symptoms become worse. Your system is under so much stress right now. But this is temporary.

 

If you suffer from a PTSD like I did when my nightmare started, the one and only strategy you would be taught by a good therapist or coach is that you learn to switch from one feeling into another. And to learn that "more than that" is true. Means, you can feel like the end is near one hour and have a good hour in the evening. You can be a victim but also a winner at the same time. Regarding your trauma, this means you can learn to manage your inner caos by learning to go into it and then out of it again. You can start such a therapy when you feel more stable. I just want to say, - there are still options for you in life, to improve and feel better. This is just NOW.

 

Chin up.

Maybe its worth it to make a list of things you achieved and to look at this list from time to time.

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Thanks, that's actually really good advice. I've been doing that, but like you said, it feels like the end of the world and feels like it's not possible right now.

 

I've already been through hell and back, but exactly a year ago I decided to go cold turkey on my Klonopin. And I didn't know it was going to be so severe after 20 years of really high dosage oh, because I had only quite a few times previous to that. Well now I know.

 

In just the last 12 months, I went through two court cases while going through withdrawal, and I drink beer on the second one, which threw me back into the beginning. And then went through child custody. Fought the entire system and authorities. Had three long hospitalizations. Many trips in the back of a police cruiser or Sheriff van, in shackles.

 

And then by Christmas last year, I ate a rum ball not knowing it had alcohol not thinking about it I should say, and got thrown back into the beginning again. Went through a hurricane. Power went out. Ran out of food multiple times. Couldn't get out of the house.

 

Went through an eviction and had lots of cops threatening to IVC me on multiple occasions, I just never went outside so they had to leave after 48 hours. I stood at the door with a big knife in my hand. Didn't know what I was going to do but luckily that's in the past. I even ended up in the hospital getting stitches last year because of something I can't talk about on here.

 

I moved to a different area in North Carolina, I went to disability hearings and doctor's appointments and therapy and got lots of denials and lots of doctors talked crap to me for no reason. I got injected with needles involuntarily while admitted at hospitals.

 

I got ganged up on by police officers and doctors and nurses multiple times on different occasions. I got my arms yanked behind my back to be put in handcuffs multiple times. I laid in bed for an entire year with the blinds closed, and made calls and text messages and worked 24/7 with no breakes and no food and no home.

 

Had to put all my stuff in storage and got yanked out of my housing by the cops again. Put into the hospital again. Discharged to a hotel and given a ticket and driven to the mall and dropped off like I was being kidnapped.

 

Was forced to go grocery shopping during withdrawal, numerous panic attacks and sweating and feeling like I was dying and hallucinating. Didn't have a choice though because I was hungry. If that's not bad enough, doing it during coronavirus in Walmart is pretty bad.

 

Forced to stand in lines with 20 people looking like an angry mob because of coronavirus with masks on in Walmart, while panicking but staying still anyways. And then walking a mile in 90 degree Heat and the humidity in the Sun, all while going through severe withdrawal with 10 bags of groceries exhausting yourself.

 

I wouldn't say it was harder than when I was homeless in Colorado for a year, because I also went through withdrawal there. But this last year has been really hard to say the least.

 

But the thing that was hardest was getting all of my paperwork from about 20 different doctors in different cities all around the country, submitting them to various Social Security offices, working with different caseworker, different companies. Getting denied and doing it all over again because I don't give up. And then fixing what social workers messed up and doing my housing paperwork all by myself. Still fighting to this day.

 

Long story short, I worked 24/7 with the blinds closed laying in bed all day long with no vacation, no weekends, no Friday, no friends, no alcohol or cigarettes or weed, no anyting, just me and myself. Fighting and trying to make up all that lost time and working frantically to get everything in order as quickly as possible. Thing is, I don't think working frantically accomplished anything any faster then doing it one step at a time.

 

Maybe if I had done things one step at a time, it would have had the same outcome. I don't really know, but I believe the hard work with no breaks and keeping my blinds closed and working non-stop got it done. I don't know many people that can work all day every day for an entire year without any breaks without getting paid or benefiting at all. I did though.

 

Oh yeah and I keep missing points from above so I keep adding more to this list, yes I did it all while having PTSD and agoraphobia and bipolar without any kind of medication, all while going through Klonopin cold turkey off of 8 mg a day after 20 years. Doctors tried to give me medication but I refused. I went raw dog on life. I think I will be just fine in the future.

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Cheering u on mate...

You sure have had a struggle, but despite the differences I somehow seem to relate..

-I best not get me started on fighting the “system” though... :(

 

Hope you get a few breaks soon..

 

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Yeah we all have similarities on this website. That's why it's a great place. I wanted to piss people off on here purposely a couple months ago, because I hated my own life at the time. Everybody wanted to constantly call me a drug addict, my family and my doctor and everybody else, so I started to believe it. And then I started to tell people on this website that they were drug addicts. Mostly because of my family, and the way I was handling it.

 

And no, my family will not let me live with them, because they say my mental health is unpredictable and I'm recovering from a drug addiction. And they never want to forgive me for taking benzos. Even though they are the ones that took me to the psychiatrist at 17. Even though that's not really true that I had a pill problem.

 

I got upset a couple months ago because it was coronavirus and my sister couldn't rent out her condo because there was a short term rental ban at the beach, and I had to spend money every month to rent out a crappy rental during the winter, when I could have lived at her place for free temporarily. It was just empty real estate sitting there for no reason.

 

Month after month would go by while she had a nice place to stay for free because of coronavirus, and every single month she would say I'm just going to have to be homeless or deal with whatever happens. I was like yeah but that's unnecessary, and she didn't care.

 

And it was nothing new, I was homeless for a whole year and Colorado suffering out in the cold and snow and also in the really hot heat in the summertime, and nobody wanted to help me out. I would understand if I was capable of getting myself out of that predicament or doing something wrong, but I wasn't. I wasn't capable and I wasn't doing anything illegal.

 

But other than that, my life has been pretty good. So I'm still trying to work out all of these quirks within my family. One day it will all come back together I think.

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Yeah we all have similarities on this website. That's why it's a great place. I wanted to piss people off on here purposely a couple months ago, because I hated my own life at the time. Everybody wanted to constantly call me a drug addict, my family and my doctor and everybody else, so I started to believe it. And then I started to tell people on this website that they were drug addicts. Mostly because of my family, and the way I was handling it.

 

And no, my family will not let me live with them, because they say my mental health is unpredictable and I'm recovering from a drug addiction. And they never want to forgive me for taking benzos. Even though they are the ones that took me to the psychiatrist at 17. Even though that's not really true that I had a pill problem.

 

I got upset a couple months ago because it was coronavirus and my sister couldn't rent out her condo because there was a short term rental ban at the beach, and I had to spend money every month to rent out a crappy rental during the winter, when I could have lived at her place for free temporarily. It was just empty real estate sitting there for no reason.

 

Month after month would go by while she had a nice place to stay for free because of coronavirus, and every single month she would say I'm just going to have to be homeless or deal with whatever happens. I was like yeah but that's unnecessary, and she didn't care.

 

And it was nothing new, I was homeless for a whole year and Colorado suffering out in the cold and snow and also in the really hot heat in the summertime, and nobody wanted to help me out. I would understand if I was capable of getting myself out of that predicament or doing something wrong, but I wasn't. I wasn't capable and I wasn't doing anything illegal.

 

But other than that, my life has been pretty good. So I'm still trying to work out all of these quirks within my family. One day it will all come back together I think.

 

 

Hi Justin ,

 

You never cease to amaze me, 

 

You have had far more than the average person will ever have to contend with and still you have managed to stay off the benzo's,

 

You also have a really wonderful gift too , even though your life is so far from easy,  to see that your life has been pretty good, 

 

I doubt many would say that if they had gone though all you have and taken yourself if a drug that is so very hard to remove for some of us, 

 

You will make it through , of that I am sure and a wonderful  life is waiting for you not so far away

 

Jen

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Thank you, I think everybody on this website for the most part will make it out on the other side with no benzos in their system and no more symptoms, feeling just fine. It's a long process, but most of us will heal, at least mostly heal.

 

It's the hardest thing I've gone through in life for sure, withdrawal and homelessness simultaneously, there's a lot of factors involved. But I'm not the only one out there, I know there's tons of people just like me.

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