My life has changed so much

[[Buddie]]

First of all I know everyone going through this process face depression, I know this is one of the withdrawal symptoms but I feel like I need to write because after knowing this forum you guys are the only ones who can understand me

I used to like hanging out with friends, to wake up early in the morning and that positive feeling of living another day, I used to go to Muay Thai, I enjoyed food, talking, etc...

Nowadays my self-esteem has just become so poor, I have lost most of my friends because of self isolation, I don't want even to look at myself on the mirror because all I see is this pale guy with those big black circles around my eyes and a tired face, I'm getting very skinny and my hands can't stop shaking, I can barely communicate with someone (extreme apathy levels)...
I know this question has been asked so many times here, but does this go away? I'm 23 years old and I'm so confusing about my future.

[[Buddie]]

Yes. If I'm reading you r signature correctly you're still tapering right? Its a journey and depression is a common symptom.
I know about soul crushing depression. The kind where you can't function and you're a shadow of who you once were.

I am now med free - of AD's and benzos. the depression and anxiety are no longer constant - therefore I know I am healing and the old meds did more harm than good:) I get hit with waves and depression and anxiety "visit" - but they no longer unpack and move in permanently.

I can see friends again, and work a bit. I can laugh again.
I do however need to not overdo myself, and be aware of things that can still be triggers. I know that if i need a down day(s) - I take it. I am lucky to have a husband who can support me when needed.

This journey can be a real loss of sense of self. You will find you again - but it will be different you, and this is not a bad thing. I'm doing some "restructuring" at who I want to be int his next chapter of my life. I am adapting to how this journey has changed my life.

You can be free. your body is even healing its " happy" chemicals too right now. and remember that benzos LIE - all the time.
 

[[Buddie]]

Try to remember that this is temporary, and that the feelings you're experiencing are not you, but the result of a chemical withdrawal. 

You sound like a young person (I'm 65 - almost everybody is young).  You have many many good years ahead of you.  I ended my relationship with benzos when I was 58 and have had several good years since then.  I know it sucks right now, but it'll get better.

[[Buddie]]

Thank you both for the support, yes it's scary when you stop and think how much damage it can cause to you...

[[Buddie]]

I can relate! I am feeling down today and my grandchildren are coming tomorrow and I love them with all my heart. I have to child proof my house and clean but do not have the motivation to get going. I have turned down invitations with family and friends because I just don’t want to be gone from home very long and I like you just want my normal life back. I have never been a stay at home person but that’s all I do most of the time and sometimes I feel so alone even though I have a wonderful supportive husband. So believe me you are not alone and I have found that if I do small things or go out just an hour or 2 that I can manage it better and it actually lifts me up when I get home. I hope this has helped in some way! We will get through this and will be able to help others with our story.

[...]

[[Buddie]]

I have clinical depression and have had it since a teenager. obviously through withdrawal it became much worse, almost unbearable. I can relate to most of what you said it sounds very familier. It is not a new normal you should return to the person you where. I personally am in a much better place after withdrawal Almost no anxiety and depression is managable. I enjoy life again and have a much more positive outlook.

On another note , I also do Thai Boxing. im back at the gym teaching kids classes and training whith my kids.

It will improve.

[...]

[[Buddie]]

I have clinical depression and have had it since a teenager. obviously through withdrawal it became much worse, almost unbearable. I can relate to most of what you said it sounds very familier. It is not a new normal you should return to the person you where. I personally am in a much better place after withdrawal Almost no anxiety and depression is managable. I enjoy life again and have a much more positive outlook.

On another note , I also do Thai Boxing. im back at the gym teaching kids classes and training whith my kids.

It will improve.


[...]

sorry to add to this thread, but did the cymbalta  affect your sleep?
thxs
[...]

[[Buddie]]

Cymbalta did not really help or hurt my sleep.

[[Buddie]]

Hey [...] I really relate to what you've written, as I'm feeling much the same these days - no self-esteem, no social life anymore, even avoiding mirrors to avoid looking at myself. I want to echo what other folks have said and add that even when I've been tapering off I've felt windows where I can feel good, and keep that feeling in mind when things get tougher. It is really hard not to feel anything most of the time and you feel so broken...but also I think of the time this weekend when I watched a movie and it made me cry and I was so excited to have even that feeling again, it made me hopeful for the future.

[[Buddie]]

fwiw - I 'tear up' more during emotional movies than I ever did pre-benzo.  I don't know if benzo use or withdrawal is the cause.  Just an observation.