Benzogirl to drug free to Betsy

Hi

 

Honestly I’m not sure about posting a success story as I’m only benzo free for 12+ months. And completely drug free. But what the hey. And I promised myself I would never write my story but instead just disappear. But here I am. I see so many new names here who have no idea who I am.

 

As many of you know by now We do heal. This is a given fact though I’m sure many of you still feel you’ll never get past withdrawal. And I know some people who are in Withdrawal many years post taper. I do feel for each and everyone of you. And everyone was put on these drugs through no fault of their own. I haven’t been on this forum for nearly a year. My decision was a personal one. I don’t regret the time spent off so I could just forget this thing and go back to my life. I’m not sure if I should say, “thing,” as opposed to other choice words such as nightmare.

 

Recap: eventually I was in a whopping 10 mg of klonopin for over a decade, which doesn’t include my taper time. Add 5 years to that. I was extremely lucky to find a great pdoc who had tapered hundreds of patients off these drugs with mainly very positive results. For many of these years I was completely disfunctional and unable to get my mail, pay my bills and drive, among a host of other problems. In comes my pdoc.

 

I was polydrugged with three other horrible medications. He did rapid withdrawal off them because he said they were beyond dangerous. I still had my klonopin problem but felt 1,000 times better. I was then able to function better but looking back I was still quite a mess. He let me be in charge of my benzo taper and filled my scripts without even telling me how much I needed. He let me decide. A key to success for me at least.

 

I had such a major problem sleeping 😴 as the klonopin turned its back on me and gave me just awful insomnia. I was then going psychotic in the true sense of the word and while my doctor in general much preferred therapy to drugs he did provide them for about 15% of his total patients and I was one. Put on Trazodone, seroquel and gabapentin. I had a short course of Z Drugs but luckily I found this site and dropped them in a panic after just four days, phew! I am not suggesting or recommending anyone take these drugs but they helped me through the rough patches and I have never regretted taking them. I would have taken rat poison to help me sleep. I did a partial cross to 70 mg Valium which helped offset the klonopin problem. A five year taper. My third after two miserable failed cold turkeys. That’s one thing I’ll suggest strongly is to never do a cold turkey. It’s as a close to death as I wanted to get.

 

As I got into my taper I was able to go back to work after about two years. Not as a journalist anymore as that job is highly stressful and benzos take away your ability to cope and fight stress. I became a caregiver to the home bound elderly. Not an easy job. But very rewarding. Once I got off my 4.5 mg klonopin I became very functional and able to lead a normal life. I started training and showing dogs  again which has always been my passion. I believe the adjunct medication allowed me to do this but I had no plans to stay on them forever.

 

All people fall into different categories. We all know and it’s very true each person has their own journey. Some just having a horrible taper and post taper. On the other end if the spectrum no problem at all. I am in the luckier category. There are certain things which I think helped me which I’ll share. There are other things I would not recommend at least in my case.

 

1. I always had a positive attitude. This is very difficult for people who feel just miserable but believe me this is half the battle. The drugs work as much on your central nervous system as on your mind. I’m lucky as I have always been a positive person so this was not that hard. Trust me it can work. Perhaps not for all but the vast majority. I let off steam by telling jokes and trying to be funny. This didn’t work at times as others didn’t think I was funny at all while I did. Sad when you think about it.

 

2. A good health care provider. Now this one is super hard and out of people’s hands so it’s not a given by any means. Rather impossible. I had just a super pdoc and when he decided to retire I was very anxious and upset. But lucky me I found another one, who perhaps was not as good or as fun but she let me finish my taper on my terms. Fine, perfect.

 

3. I suppose I should not be saying this since I did take adjunct medication but I have seen so many people taking a large batch of supplements which I think are harmful and make people sicker and have a longer healing. I honestly hate the alternative section and still can’t comprehend why it is allowed here. The supplements are not overseen very well so it’s a crap shoot at best. My pdoc said they are mostly bad news—the supplements that affect your gaba especially. I did rid myself of gabapentin shortly after I took it only to reinstate a small dose in post but I got rid of those as well. Not so easy the second time.

 

4. Try and push yourself just a bit because when you can accomplish some things it makes you feel good that you have made a single step toward normalcy. Self esteem. Now I an NOT suggesting you push yourselves a lot or are ready to do a lot. Some people are so sick they can only manage to get to the bathroom and not much more. But tiny things like perhaps walking up and down your driveway or cleaning out a dirty sink. I like many, live alone and my maid is called Betsy.

 

5. Knowledge is power. I’m fairly confident I have done so much research on benzos even my primary care doctor says I know more about these drugs than she does. I believe I do. I’m sure many here know as well. Like dog training, keep the good and throw out the rest. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I don’t still research one psych drug or another. Still to this day. There are a bunch of excellent sticky threads here on this site alone. I kept rereading them in those five years. Over and over. What is happening to your brain is my personal favorite.  Most are very pertinent and offer a wealth of information. A strong shout out goes to their authors who took the time and energy to write them. The four phases thread is also excellent as it gives people hope, a shout goes out to sofakingdone for starting it and keeping up with it.

 

6. That word I just said—hope. You have to have it. Force yourself to. I suppose from my current pulpit it’s easy for me to say, as I know becksblue is still suffering badly as I just read her post on the vent thread in off topic. I was truly hoping and praying that when I came back just today she would be feeling a lot better. While I am not a church goer, I do believe there is a being out there watching us. I’ll admit to you folks I pray as I don’t believe you need a building to talk to your higher power. My friends consider me to be somewhat of a heathen and I believe religion is a very personal thing not to be shared but with certain audiences like this forum. We all have the most important thing in common—our great desire to be rid of these drugs and heal in good time.

 

7. I believe this applies to just about everyone here. No matter your situation this is a very lonely journey so yes, expect to have bouts of loneliness throughout. Some of you are lucky and have very supportive spouses. I was unlucky in this respect as my husband had a fear of illness so he left me hanging alone and quickly remarried. Men can do that. But I suppose women do as well.

 

8. DONT BLAME YOURSELF for being here even if you knew the risks of taking these drugs. This not your fault. Nobody knows just how dangerous they can be. They completely ruined a decade of my life and they have ruined even more years of other people’s lives. Be kind and gentle with yourselves.

 

I had a fairly easy post taper. Mainly bouts of some anxiety and more bouts of insomnia, my go to problem which got me here in the first place. What will happen in the near or distant future remains to be seen. I did have a couple of what people refer to as windows. They are not so important imo but rather if your symptoms fade and you just feel more like yourself that’s all that matters. There is no magic wand that the fairy godmother will wave so please don’t think you need to be happy and thrilled 24/7 to consider yourself fully healed. Right now I’m taking classes and I’m halfway through becoming a nurse.  This will be my fourth university degree. I think the one gift benzos gave me was compassion. You can’t live through this without getting it. It’s the hardest journey most of us will ever face and when you come out on the other end, and you will, you find out just how precious all life is.  :) :)

 

Life is good. It’s wonderful. It will be for you too. If Elon Musk can manage to build a private space ship that can take us into space again you can get there. My pdoc loved to say, when I got in a hurry, if you don’t have plans to fly to the moon your only job is to get better. Perhaps I’ll be on that ship the next go around.

Thanks for writing your story BG. Very inspiring and it gives me some hope during these dark days.

 

May I ask what the horrible meds were on that you rapid tapered? I am currently on a few other meds that were meant to "help" me through my taper, but I'm wondering if I chose the wrong ones (none of them are any that you said helped you). I think they're just making things worse and I keep toying with the idea of getting off of them quickly before I finish my taper. You can PM me if you don't feel comfortable listing them here.

Thanks for writing your story BG. Very inspiring and it gives me some hope during these dark days.

 

May I ask what the horrible meds were on that you rapid tapered? I am currently on a few other meds that were meant to "help" me through my taper, but I'm wondering if I chose the wrong ones (none of them are any that you said helped you). I think they're just making things worse and I keep toying with the idea of getting off of them quickly before I finish my taper. You can PM me if you don't feel comfortable listing them here.

 

Hi

 

I was on 400 mg lamitcal, 400 mg clozaril ( the very worst) and 300 mg trileptal. I was a walking zombie. They all interacted with each other. I belonged in the starring role of the movie, Zombies. He was very concerned and under normal circumstances I would have done slow tapers. But one at a time I dropped 100 mg per week. The only problems  I had were the last 100 mg of lamitcal I cried non stop for the week. I was extremely depressed the only time I had depression. But that went away about two days after I finished. The other problem was the last drop of clozaril. I was sick as a dog for one week only. It seemed like forever. I did ignore his warnings to hold that last drop a few weeks, and had come to realize I was very stupid not to listen to him. I had not a bit of post withdrawal on any of them. I am confident the high dose of klonopin backed me up and prevented this. I hope your not on these but if you are this wasn’t that bad actually.

Congrats, benzogirl. 

👍❤️❤️

It was so good to wake up this morning and see a success story on here! thats two days in a row:)

 

Thank you for coming back and sharing as you know how important it is to so many on here!! 

Hi

 

I was on 400 mg lamitcal, 400 mg clozaril ( the very worst) and 300 mg trileptal. I was a walking zombie. They all interacted with each other. He was very concerned and under normal circumstances I would have done slow tapers. But one at a time I dropped 100 mg per week. The only problems  I had were the last 100 mg of lamitcal I cried non stop for the week. I was extremely depressed the only time I had depression. But that went away about two days after I finished. The other problem was the last drop of clozaril. I was sick as a dog for one week only. It seemed like forever. I did ignore his warnings to hold that last drop a few weeks, and had come to realize I was very stupid not to listen to him. I had not a bit of post withdrawal on any of them. I am confident the high dose of klonopin backed me up and prevented this. I hope your not on these but if you are this wasn’t that bad actually.

 

Nope, it's not any of those, so that's somewhat of a relief. The one I'm most worried about is Remeron. I got on it because I saw so many people on here singing it's praises. It did help tremendously with sleep for the first 2-3 months, but not so much anymore. And I think it's making me sick. I hesitate to stop because some people say it's as tough as benzos to get off of. I sure hope that's not the case for me. In any case, I think I still better get done with the benzo taper before I attempt remeron.

 

Congrats again on your success. I'm very happy for you.

Thanks, Benzo girl.  I was on 4 mg Ativan per day at the worst.  That is not as bad as 10 mg Klonopin, but it is bad.  I crossed over to Valium, and had psychotic symptoms at 5 mg. V.  After a 4 day hospitalization, I just jumped from there, I had had it with doctors and benzos.  I am benzo free for 23 months now.  I am still pretty sick, but symptoms such as body jerks have subsided.  It is just pretty much tinnitus and the general "benzo flu".  I try to have hope for the future.  Every day I look for success stories to keep me going.  Today I found yours.  Thanks again for taking the time to post it.  This means so much to people like me.  I hope and pray that maybe a year from now I will be driving again, even if it's just up to the local grocery store and back.  I pray that I will feel well again some day....

Way to go Benzo Girl! I'm so glad to hear you are drug free. It's an inspiration.

So happy you came back to post your success story and great tips.  Thank you so much for that!  You are so right.  Attitude is everything and so is hope.

 

What a rewarding career move you made!  I’m happy to hear you are back to showing Morgan again.

Give him a big kiss for me!

 

Love to you both. 

 

Hi benzo girl. It's nice to hear from you. A big congrats for being drug free! Enjoy your life to the fullest.

 

Becky

I guess I should have said congrats, Betsy and not benzogirl, since you made it clear in the title that you are no longer benzogirl.

Congratulations! I have and am taking much of the same drugs as you have. I am currently on 7.5 mg of valium from a crossover from

Ativan. I am currently with a benzo wise Dr. as I think I educated her. I am taking bupropion, 25 mg of seroquil (quetiapine) and Depakote.

The seroquil 25 mg knocks me out and even though I can take walks and weight train... sometimes it is to mush for my CNS.I'm afraid of the low dose antipsychotic because of the tardive risk. I do have sublte body swaying and I am afraid and my feet get red a lot  and burn,

especially when I take my walk. Did you experience that swaying.my awareness isn't great and my body gets stiff. I'm scared. Right now

I'm holding at 7.5 mg Valium and scared to come off anything else now. I tried 1 day off of quetiapine and freaked out a bit.

Once again I'm very happy for you.Few understand this suffering. I experienced all the worst side effects when I was put on all these drugs

so I fear the reduction. Any thoughts would be welcome Betsy. You are inspiring.

 

 

Betsy, you had a big mountain to cross in terms of getting off high doses of several drugs.  I must say I'm thrilled to read your story of healing,  it's been in the works for a long time and your dedication to the goals of becoming med free is admirable. 

 

You are now in a new chapter of your life,  going to school again, learning and living. I wish you all the best in this new life.

 

I know our members will gain so much from reading about your experience and it will help them persevere through the withdrawal process.

 

Thanks for this and be happy.

 

PG 

 

_{edit: typo}

Hi

 

I was on 400 mg lamitcal, 400 mg clozaril ( the very worst) and 300 mg trileptal. I was a walking zombie. They all interacted with each other. He was very concerned and under normal circumstances I would have done slow tapers. But one at a time I dropped 100 mg per week. The only problems  I had were the last 100 mg of lamitcal I cried non stop for the week. I was extremely depressed the only time I had depression. But that went away about two days after I finished. The other problem was the last drop of clozaril. I was sick as a dog for one week only. It seemed like forever. I did ignore his warnings to hold that last drop a few weeks, and had come to realize I was very stupid not to listen to him. I had not a bit of post withdrawal on any of them. I am confident the high dose of klonopin backed me up and prevented this. I hope your not on these but if you are this wasn’t that bad actually.

 

Nope, it's not any of those, so that's somewhat of a relief. The one I'm most worried about is Remeron. I got on it because I saw so many people on here singing it's praises. It did help tremendously with sleep for the first 2-3 months, but not so much anymore. And I think it's making me sick. I hesitate to stop because some people say it's as tough as benzos to get off of. I sure hope that's not the case for me. In any case, I think I still better get done with the benzo taper before I attempt remeron.

 

Congrats again on your success. I'm very happy for you.

 

If I were in your shoes I’d do the same. I was on remeron a long time ago, I had no trouble getting off it. I know many others have had difficulties but not everyone. Good luck 🍀

Betsy, you had a big mountain to cross in terms of getting off high doses of several drugs.  I must say I'm thrilled to read you story of healing,  it's been in the works for a long time and your dedication to your goals of becoming med free is admirable. 

 

You are now in a new chapter of your life,  going to school again, learning and living. I wish you all the best in this new life.

 

I know our members will gain so much from reading about your experience and it will help them persevere through the withdrawal process.

 

Thanks for this and be happy.

 

PG 

 

Thanks PG. it is an amazing thing to feel normal again. I’ll admit it was a long journey but if you take things one step a time it eventually falls into place.

It was so good to wake up this morning and see a success story on here! thats two days in a row:)

 

Thank you for coming back and sharing as you know how important it is to so many on here!! 

 

Thank you, gatekeeper.

Thanks, Benzo girl.  I was on 4 mg Ativan per day at the worst.  That is not as bad as 10 mg Klonopin, but it is bad.  I crossed over to Valium, and had psychotic symptoms at 5 mg. V.  After a 4 day hospitalization, I just jumped from there, I had had it with doctors and benzos.  I am benzo free for 23 months now.  I am still pretty sick, but symptoms such as body jerks have subsided.  It is just pretty much tinnitus and the general "benzo flu".  I try to have hope for the future.  Every day I look for success stories to keep me going.  Today I found yours.  Thanks again for taking the time to post it.  This means so much to people like me.  I hope and pray that maybe a year from now I will be driving again, even if it's just up to the local grocery store and back.  I pray that I will feel well again some day....

 

I’m sorry you were on Ativan. I’ve never taken it but from I have read here it seems to be the devil drug. It may take some time but you’ll get there. But isn’t a wonderful feeling to say you are be benzo free? Take care and be well.

Betsy:  How wonderful to read your success story.  I remember all of us being on the now 'old' KK club which seems like eons ago.  I will also never forget how you helped me with my taper and giving me the rate for my micro taper along with Clona 21.

 

I am beyond happy for you.  So terrific to hear how well you are doing.  And your jokes did make me laugh!!  Stay safe in these crazy times and wow - I am so impressed you are back in school and training to be a nurse. 

 

Of course the one thing you left out of your success story is how  your fur babies doing.  They are the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen.

 

Best of luck to you.  Kgirl

 

 

That's a well written inspirational story, Betsy. I'm happy for you, congratulations 

 

Indeed, not only men do that, woman do that do. Men can be horrible, woman too. Humans can be horrible 

 

Can I ask you a question? What were your psychotic symptoms? I was always afraid of going psychotic, but I never was. If you tell me, I can make myself a little calmer by saying 'oh good, I never had that.' It makes me less afraid to withdraw the Seroquel, which I'm going to do in about a month. Was it hard withdrawing Seroquel? Did you feel much better after dropping that? I'm going to taper it, because I think I can function again if I do that.

 

I hope you have happy life and meet a great new guy!

Great news, Betsy!

 

 

Katz

Hi Betsy, thank you for posting your success story, you know just how important they are to members.  I am sure this will inspire and give hope to the many who read it, you worked hard for your freedom.

 

Congratulations on your benzo free life Betsy, and the best of luck to you!

 

Magrita

Good job!!

 

Excellent Post!

Congratulations! I have and am taking much of the same drugs as you have. I am currently on 7.5 mg of valium from a crossover from

Ativan. I am currently with a benzo wise Dr. as I think I educated her. I am taking bupropion, 25 mg of seroquil (quetiapine) and Depakote.

The seroquil 25 mg knocks me out and even though I can take walks and weight train... sometimes it is to mush for my CNS.I'm afraid of the low dose antipsychotic because of the tardive risk. I do have sublte body swaying and I am afraid and my feet get red a lot  and burn,

especially when I take my walk. Did you experience that swaying.my awareness isn't great and my body gets stiff. I'm scared. Right now

I'm holding at 7.5 mg Valium and scared to come off anything else now. I tried 1 day off of quetiapine and freaked out a bit.

Once again I'm very happy for you.Few understand this suffering. I experienced all the worst side effects when I was put on all these drugs

so I fear the reduction. Any thoughts would be welcome Betsy. You are inspiring.

 

Hi hopefull

 

At one time I was on a whopping 500 mg of seroquel. Lower doses did nothing for me. I will say that on this dose I had what a consider to be tartive. My version of it was i blinked my eyes rapidly and couldn’t stop. It scared the piss out of me. But I wasn’t ready to drop it so I put it off. Once I got below 💯 mg that went away. It was a huge relief. I too tried skipping a dose when I was on 300 mg. I had a panic attack and my anxiety went through to roof. And of course sleep was out of the question. I had to to get rid of it very slowly. I just shaved perhaps 2-3 mg off at a time, much like my micro taper off klonopin. I was able to do this a couple of times a week. I think the key was being off benzos and I felt I was well on my way to healing. The lower I got the slower I went.

 

When I got below 9 mg of Valium each .25 mg drop was harrowing. But I waited and dropped a bit more. For some reason when I got to 4 mg it became easier. I always did a symptom based taper no matter what the drug. I have found and so have most here that health care  care professionals don’t know what they are doing. So you’re likely right as you had to educate yours. I don’t find this to be too bad. It’s the ones who won’t listen who are very problematic. Good luck in your journey. We all get there one way or another.

Betsy:  How wonderful to read your success story.  I remember all of us being on the now 'old' KK club which seems like eons ago.  I will also never forget how you helped me with my taper and giving me the rate for my micro taper along with Clona 21.

 

I am beyond happy for you.  So terrific to hear how well you are doing.  And your jokes did make me laugh!!  Stay safe in these crazy times and wow - I am so impressed you are back in school and training to be a nurse. 

 

Of course the one thing you left out of your success story is how  your fur babies doing.  They are the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen.

 

Best of luck to you.  Kgirl

 

 

 

Some of my fondest days here were on the old KK when it was small. I’m glad I could help but benniejets has to teach me repeatedly. I felt so stupid. My fur babies. I’m having a rough time with Morgan. A couple of months ago when we were out field training he torqued his left shoulder. At first we were hoping it was just a muscle pull but it was and is his tendon. This is much worse and takes forever to heal. So I’ve scheduled Companion class IV cold laser therapy sessions with a fabulous clinic. They start next week. Watching him having to stay home and not play with his friends is honestly mentally harder than my taper. My other dog is fine but the two cannot play now. He’s been used a lot as a stud dog so the money I’m getting is going to Morgan and his vets. Luckily a friend talked me into getting pet insurance so that’s has saved me thousands of dollars.  His bill so far is over $5,000 so it’s a real blessing. Yes I suppose I had my funny moments. Just certain things I could not resist. I hope you are well, kgirl.