free and hopeful again

I’m about 22 months off the medication.  I took it for close to 12 years.  I took primarily Xanax as needed, not every day.  There were about 3-4 overlapping years when I took Klonopin daily.  My doses of Xanax started out small, 0.0125mg once a week at first, and got to about 3-4mg, 5 times a week toward the end.  Klonopin was always 2mg.

 

The Xanax worked extremely well from the beginning.  As soon as it kicked in, I could handle stressful work situations, presentations, and workplace conflict with ease.  I was able to communicate well and diffuse almost any situation and manage to come off as a hero, or so I felt and believed.  I thought the medication was the answer for everything.  I believe, even now, I landed a great job because of it.

 

I drank on the medication.  At first, it was a beer or two on the weekend.  Toward the end, it was about 8-10 high-point beers or 2 bottles of wine every day.

 

I lost a relationship I was in.  I pulled completely away from the world, keeping everything intact involving my job.  I worked at a world renowned, well-respected institution, doing advanced work.  I felt I could do that because of the medication, now I only partly believe that.  In the end, I isolated myself in my apartment, trying to control symptoms, not really understanding what was happening to me, drinking myself numb and to sleep every night.  In the morning, I would head into work and keep it all together as best as I could.  I pushed away all of my friends and my family.  I got to more than 140 pounds overweight.

 

In 2017, I committed myself to stopping drinking.  When I did that, the symptoms raged.  I switched doctors in May and the shit hit the fan.  I went to an AA meeting, delusional and suicidal and asked for help.  They sent me to a detox.  I took off of work for 2 months.  They ripped me off the Xanax in 10 days.  I went through a 30 day inpatient rehab program and then a partial hospitalization for 2 weeks after that.  After that, my new psychiatrist sent me to an addiction therapist and I attempted to get off the antidepressant I was on for close to 18 years.  My world was bizarre and caving in on me during this time.  I don’t know how I made it through.  I was delusional, depressed, anxious out of my mind.  I almost made it off the antidepressant over 10 months but went back on Klonopin to control symptoms.  I got off the antidepressant and realized quickly the Klonopin wasn’t going to work.  It was a year after the detox.  I took off work again and asked for help from my family.  At that time, I began to figure out what was happening by reading others’ stories online.  I took a withdrawing from psychiatric drugs workshop and immediately went home to my parents’ house to withdraw.  I was 39 at that time.  I dumped everything I owned and drove with enough medication to taper myself off.  I did a 1 month taper and it was horrific.  I still didn’t quite understand everything that was happening to me but when I found this support site, I just hung on.  I looked for the posts from people who seemed like they knew what they were talking about and ignored the others as best as I could.  I stayed at my parents’ house for 10 months and turned 40 while I was there.  Shortly after, I was able to move into a family owned house.  2 months ago, I got a good job.  I’m still in the same town as my parents.  All of my other immediate family are in the area.  I lost 140 pounds while I was recovering.  I ate healthy and exercised every day.  I rested and I posted, I took care of myself and I walked outside.  Then I started to run.  Running is my life now.  I may have substituted one addiction for another because I can’t function without the running.

 

I had all the major symptoms.  I was suicidal for over a year.  I was beyond depressed.  I was anxious out of my mind.  Temperature control problems, akathisia too.  Things slowly got better.  Things are still getting better.  I have wicked binge eating episodes that have stuck with me.  I have anger problems.  I am still alone.  I was from a family with a lot of mental health problems.  That’s important to know.  My sister has schizophrenia.  There’s distrust, suspicion, poor communication, egotism, defensiveness, obsession, ignorance, stupidity, stubbornness, etc. in my family.  I no longer run away from these things.  It is was it is and I’ll try to find peace.  I’m smart and I have skill and I can do great work and I work well with others.  I’ll be ok.  I’ll find another person and be in another relationship, I’m sure.  I recently apologized to the person I was with before.  I felt at such a loss because of all of this.  I video chatted with her and told her how sorry I was about it all.

 

I try to be open now.  I try to share.  I’m uncomfortable with it still.  I have felt pain, grief, shame, and fear for so long.  This was sustained painful trauma for so long.

 

I didn’t believe I would make it.  I hated people here for their fear-based posts.  I hated the people that posted to just pull emotion from others and get reactions.  I hated the abuse that I saw in this community and I hated that the moderators that would allow most of the passive abuse.

 

I loved that there are kind people here.  I love that there are so many willing to help.  I love that there are many knowledgeable, selfless, hopeful, positive people here.

 

If you are stuck on this stuff, it is possible to get off it.  It got better for me and it took a really long time.

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you here that saved my life.  This was too much for anyone to bear and I won’t ever be the same.  I think I can still grow emotionally.  I’ll be ok.  Life is so much greater without any medication.

 

If you are not improving on the order of months and not exposed to any other chemicals including supplements, my opinion is that it’s not withdrawal and you have permanent damage or some other disease and you should try something else.

 

This experience is basically addiction in my opinion.  The experience, I believe, mostly overlaps with the experience of others who have been dependent on another medication or drug.  Many of those individuals helped me and I could fully relate to them.  There is common shame, anger, fear, pain, loss, grief.  There is a subculture of those individuals here, among you all.  I don’t see why this community does not embrace them.  My opinion is that this community does so much damage to itself, it slows positive change and growth.

 

I love you all, even if you hurt me, even if I hurt you.  For that I’m sorry.  It is what it is, I’ll be ok.  I hope you will too.  I hope the best for each of you.  Thank you.  My sincerest, deepest thanks.

I'm very happy that you are doing well now, it hasn't been an easy road.  I wish you well in your future life, it sounds like you have a  good plan moving forward.

 

Everyone will have a different opinion. For myself, if I had no found BB and wealth of information as well as the support I received from some of the nicest, kindest people I have ever met, I don't know where I'd be today.

 

pianogirl 

Congrats on finding some peace of mind !

So good to hear from you Seltz!  It has been a long heart wrenching battle.  Your story is poignant and powerful.  The experience on BB is double edged for many.  I experience the same emotions regarding the forum.  It saved me by giving me information and support but also threw me into many waves after reading frightening posts.  We healed anyway.

 

Grateful to you for coming back and sharing your story.  For me, you were one of the good guys.  Thanks Seltzerer!

Great job on staying focused and determined. You are a hero (and survivor) whom others look up to, keep up the great work! It does get better!

I'm glad you're doing better. Congrats!

So happy for you!!!

I still remember some sad posts and I remember you - may your life be great now!!! You have done a great job 

Marigold

Hi seltzerer

 

I am so pleased you are doing well, i know you had a tough time.  Thank you for taking time to post a success story.

 

I hope life keeps on getting better and better, you so deserve it.

 

Magrita

.

 

I love you all, even if you hurt me, even if I hurt you.  For that I’m sorry.  It is what it is, I’ll be ok.  I hope you will too.  I hope the best for each of you.  Thank you.  My sincerest, deepest thanks.

 

I believe at the end of the day we all do love one another here and are all genuinely sorry if we hurt another here.

 

Love you too, you’ve got a friend. Joyful for you. Thank you for everything also. I was thinking of you and hoping you were ok.

Thanks for posting Seltzerer.  I am glad you finally conquered all the demons in your life and are looking forward to a good future.  It sounds like you really went through hell.  I am 23 months benzo free after long term use.  I am still pretty sick with chronic benzo flu, but try to get through every day and stay positive. I wish you continued luck and success in the future.  After all, they say 40 is the new 60!!!

40 is the new 30. Congrats 🍾🎊🎈🎉 to you. Have a great life.

well said ! `