Waiting for Window of relief before next cut - will it come?

I've been on a 2mg dose of Xanax for insomnia for many, many years.  The Xanax worked great for sleep.  But the past three years my waking hours have been pretty miserable and I have spent countless hours trying to chase down diagnosis that would explain my nausea, cyclic vomiting, GI issues, irritability, restlessness, horrible (painful) muscle aches, and inability to sit still. When forced to go off all meds 2 days before a medical test I went into what I suspect was full-blown withdrawal....I felt like what I experienced was something out of The Exorcist, and it became clear that Xanax was a part of the problem. 

Unable to get ahold of my p-doc and wanting off Xanax asap,  I cut from 2mg to 1.5mg divided into three doses daily.  I will admit, I was a little disappointed that more consistent dosing throughout the day didn't provide more relieve for my physical symptoms, but maybe I was already tolerant and made too big of a cut on top of that.  In any event, there's no going back now.  After about 10 days at 1.5 I cut down to 1.25, divided into 3 doses daily.  I'm now at over a week at 1.25mg, and I'm consistently pretty miserable in my body and miserable to be around.  No vomiting tho, for which I am grateful.

I was waiting to cut again until I had experienced a window of normalcy, but am wondering if that is in the cards.  While I don't feel "great" or normal by any means, at this dose I can get by with what little is expected of me in this covid situation.  If I feel like this is as stable as I am going to get at this level, should I make another cut and get this taper moving?  Or should I hang out at 1.25 for a while longer - to see if I get some windows of relief (will they come??)

Any thoughts? 

I have a question, how long after you experienced those exorcist symptoms did you begin your taper, did you go back on the 2 mg and stabilize?  It takes a bit to pull your body out of withdrawal so I was wondering if you recovered from that.

I feel you're reducing your dose by too much and too quickly, you've been on this drug for a long time, you're not listening to your body.  I need you to understand that getting off of the drug is only the first step, after it's been eliminated there is much healing to be done and by that I mean the pain of healing.

When you taper slowly you can somewhat control your symptoms but when you rush off of the drug, you'll be at the mercy of the symptoms when you're off of it.  I hope I'm not discouraging you but there are too many who don't understand how this works, I want you to be prepared.

But as for your question, windows are too erratic to use as a guide for tapering, some people never experience them.  From what I've seen, people will reduce their dose when they feel they can handle it, they don't feel great as you mention, they just feel as if they can face another reduction without panicking. 

Hi Pamster;

Thanks for taking the time to respond.  To answer your question: After two days off the Xanax I was shaking, vomiting....awful...finally managed to get a 2mg Xanax down and rested for a day.  The next day I started .5 mg 3x a day, 10 days later down to 1.25 a day.  Yes, too fast.

I should clarify that I was pretty miserable even at my max 2mg nightly dose.. I had horrible daytime symptoms, just didn't make the connection that it was related to the Xanax tolerance or interdose issues.  In my mind I was doing great, couldn't be tolerant to Xanax because it helped me sleep without ever having to raise the dose.  I can't remember the last time I really felt good or normal during the day -

My GI symptoms have improved since spreading the doses out throughout the day, which gives me hope. 

The burning skin and muscle aches I have at 1.25/day are pretty consistent with what I've had the past three years.  I wonder if this means I've been experiencing interpose withdrawals all that time...I imagine so.  Part of me just wants to get the show on the road and keep cutting .25 every two weeks or so as long as the nausea and vomiting don't return.  I also don't want to risk the chances of long-term recovery.  Sounds like slow is better.  How long after ending your taper did you feel back to normal, if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks for filling in some of your details, it sounds like you've been suffering a long time at the hands of this drug so it's totally understandable why you want to eliminate it.  I feel you could benefit from reading about the Four Phases of Withdrawal or I should say the Four Phases of Recovery because these phases start after you've eliminated the drug.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=156111.0

I hope you'll take it slow, there is absolutely no need to rush off of the drug because it won't aid your recovery, it will just make the journey to be drug free more painful.  I didn't taper, I quit cold turkey not knowing the drug must be tapered, I finally felt healed 14 months later.  I rarely see anyone recover in less than a year after the drug has been eliminated.

Pamster;

Thanks for the link.  Even though I didn't go c/t I feel like I have been in tolerance withdrawal for years and the physical pain is unbearable.  I'm still not certain how to know when to make another jump.  If the body is in withdrawal,  which it will be at every step of the say, I will be in pain.  The goal is to minimize the pain, but at this point it does not seem like there will be any windows.  How are windows even possible if the body is in withdrawal during the taper?  Also, is it possible that by staying at one level during the titration process I could develop tolerance withdrawal at that dose?  Sorry for all the questions, I'm not thinking clearly and am slipping away.

It's good you're asking questions, one of the best tools we have is educating ourselves about this process because the more we know, the less we fear.  Windows are so strange, who knows what brings them on but they to happen.  I still remember one I had, I was walking up the stairs in my house and it happened, I felt wonderful  It only lasted a few seconds but I was so relieved.  You wonder how they can happen when we're still withdrawing or recovering from the drug, no one knows, it just happens.

I have heard of people developing tolerance to the dose they've tapered to which leaves only one solution, push on through and reduce again, some even feel relief when this happens. 

As for when to reduce, if you feel you're ready then it's your call but would you consider making a smaller reduction next time, see if that would treat you a little better?

Pamster;

I want it out of my system fast, so that I can start recovering.  That's my mindset. 

That said, I hear what you and the others are saying, so I do have very small cut planned in about two weeks. 

It kills me to think of being hostage to this process for months when I barely have the mental capacity to calculate the percentages.

Your support is appreciated as always.

You're not alone in feeling as you do,  this is how we all feel and held hostage is the perfect description.

Pamster;

I want it out of my system fast, so that I can start recovering.  That's my mindset. 

That said, I hear what you and the others are saying, so I do have very small cut planned in about two weeks. 

It kills me to think of being hostage to this process for months when I barely have the mental capacity to calculate the percentages.

Your support is appreciated as always.

Being hostage to the process for months is nothing compared to the months (or even years) of pain if you go too fast. You can't really go too slow, but you can definitely go too fast. Speed isn't worth it. Go as slow as it takes your body to heal. You can always adjust and speed up along the way. Good luck!