12 Years on Klonopin

Hello All,

This is a big step for me. I was doing "well" on .5 mg of Klonopin per night along with a mood stabilizer for around 12 years (previously on an AD with Ativan) until recently. In early May I was being evaluated for potential blood cancer. I began working from home due to coronavirus. I had to home-school my child. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, which turned out to be genetic. So, because of that, I also had to be tested for the gene mutation (still awaiting results).

I noticed myself feeling okay, just more stressed and anxious on certain days so I started taking .25 - .5 extra (in addition to the .5 pm dose I take every day). Not often, just when I felt that I needed some help. Well, all of this broke loose at a doctor's appointment when my blood pressure was measuring high. It has never been high before. That sent me into a tailspin of worry and fear over just about everything. I began obsessively checking my bp several times a day. I began to think I was having a stroke or a heart attack. I then began to worry that my biggest fear had come true and that my Klonopin was no longer working. I just couldn't understand how it was like an overnight shift. I thought tolerance built up slowly.

When I started taking Klonopin I was very young, and I had no clue what a benzo was, or what it could do to me. As I got older, I informed myself and several times over the years wanted to go off, but my p doc would just tell me I was stable and not to rock the boat. In 2017 I was floxed, and it took weeks for me to build back my calm with continuing to use .5 mg of Klonopin every night. After about a month, I felt back to myself, but I've been terrified of my Klonopin ever since.

I found this forum because I was worried that I have done it to myself (triggered this insufferable anxiety), by taking a little more than normal then stopping. I'm having a hard time deciphering if the constant fear and anxiety I'm suffering is a result of stress or perhaps tolerance.

I've had a strong desire to taper off of Klonopin for years, I'm just scared after so long using it. Also, my p doc isn't on board. She thinks my .5 dose is still working and that I'm just under a lot of stress and I should just take more "as needed". Anyway, I'm looking for support and guidance from those who've conquered before me.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to taper quite yet with everything going on, but I suppose if I've reached tolerance then now is the time. It's just hard to say when before all of the medical issues came up, I felt completely fine.  I would think it might be better to taper when I'm not also going through the hardest year of my life. 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to this. I'm already grateful for you all.

*edit to add that I wasn't aware my shorter intro was already posted*