I have to post...I think I'm going crazy and feel so alone

I know I am not alone.  These past few days have been extremely hard.  I feel so anxious, panicky, shaking at times.  I am tuning into my breathing, gardening.  But I keep going back to the thoughts that make me feel bad.  Some recent incidents.  And just when I am getting over the current set of incidents that have panicked me, something else happens.

 

And I behave out of character, I think.  Letting my anger, which is passive aggressive, manifest.  Then I am ashamed of myself when I might have been justified for being angry.

 

I have so many issues and I just don't know.  I am afraid of every moment.

 

And then I try to support others here but feel a phony because my suggestions work only momentarily for me.

 

When will it improve?  ONly a week ago I was feeling ok.  Until last Thursday.

 

We are so socially isolated and I really have burned out "friendships".  People have their own struggles.  And I just had a falling out with someone whose friendshihp was questionable to me as she asked me unreasonable favors.  And my husband is burned out and really can't tolerate anymore.  He turns sideways.  He does try to support but it doesn't help.

 

I have to stay hopeful and focus on my breath.  But it is so hard and I feel so alone

Hi benzosmetoo,

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.  Withdrawal symptoms can be brutal and you're in the thick of it. 

 

You probably know the fear center of the brain is misfiring all over the place as it tries to readjust to lower doses of benzos.  The fear center hits the panic button over the slightest stimulus resulting in the wretched constant anxious panicky feelings  and fear you're experiencing .  As your brain works to find equilibrium again it also sends out old memories, dark intrusive thoughts.  It also messes with serotonin levels and we become irritable and feel irrational anger.  All of this is a manifestation of your brain's efforts to heal itself. This piece explains this really well: What's happening inside your brain

 

I know and many others here know what you're going through because we've been there ourselves.  Like you, our brains told us we would never feel any differently, that we would always feel horrible.  It takes time but there is healing.  One of the toughest parts though is that no one can tell you when it will improve. 

 

So, understanding it will take time, often significant time, we move forward through every day, doing the best we can to take care of ourselves to give our systems the best conditions for healing.  And we distract ourselves to shift our focus away from our symptoms.

 

Hang in there!

Wishing you much strength and healing,

Brighterday 

Thank you.  I have read What's happening in your brain.  I will keep reminding myself that much of this is not me and reread that post to remind myself what is the primary cause of feeling crazy.  Thank you  for being here.

bmt-

 

I read it over and over.  In the beginning of my withdrawal my cognition was so fuzzy I could read a paragraph and absorb maybe 2%.

 

Take care,

Brighterday

First off, you need friends that you can lean on and that won't lean too heavily on you right now. I'm not saying to terminate a friendship or anything like that but you need to not have to deal with that at this moment in time. Don't sweat it. Real friends understand.

 

Breathing is good. When I was really bad, I spent a couple of days mostly sitting in silence between meals. Totally removing all stimulation. It helped somewhat. Another time I ran until it hurt and that quietened my mind temporarily. I don't normally run and I was at risk of injury because of how extremely tight my muscles were but it worked. Other days, I walked from morning until evening only stopping to eat, drink, use the toilet. It's not that easy to make yourself do it but there's something helpful about completely tiring out the body.

 

Very hot (not scalding but an uncomfortable amount of heating) or cold baths give some temporary relief. It takes your mind away from the ruminating fast thoughts and onto "HOT HOT HOT!!!" and then when you get out and dry, there's a feeling of greater comfort.

 

Because I've been there, I know that all these things can be quite difficult to do when you're feeling terrible. And I know that the relief they give can be short-lived. I also know that getting any kind of relief whatsoever was very valuable.

I was just about to post pretty much the same thing when I saw your post.

 

You are not alone. My symptoms are not exactly the same but cause and the net results are - anxiety and a fear of going crazy. 

 

In my case, it has been caused by falling in love with a younger woman who told me she had moved on and had sex with soneone else because she had not heard from me for a few days and assumed it was over. I actually had Covid symptoms and was self isolating. It put me into a spiral. Now I have calmed down quite a lot but am scared.

 

Not a good place to be. Worried about being worried and still mentally and emotionally exhausted. I lost sleep, was emotionally wrung out and deeply hurt.

 

But to get back on topic, I am trying to get out of it by taking loads of rest and exercising...meditation.

 

It is a horrible place to be in though when you are frightened of your own mind and I I can relate. I tell myself it will pass.