I don’t know what to do ~ can’t take this anymore. Need help Please!!

I’m feeling so damn bad ~ I don’t want to wake up from the cpl/few hrs sleep I do manage to get.

I’ve been on 10 zolpidem for at least 15 years and still taking. Will taper once this benzo nightmare is ever over. Also taking 7.5 mg cyclobenzaprine for 17? yrs for pain from 2 cervical spinal surgeries and chronic pain from a lumbar injury. So the benzo use started Dec ‘12. I was prescribed 2 mg K to help with my debilitating anxiety & OCD. I’d been managing these beasts w/o meds for years, but when my son went to Afghanistan, it was out of control. I was on 2mg K for 6 years never knowing how bad this poison is. I tried to get an appt w my provider in Jan ‘19 only to be told they wouldn’t take my insurance. I started going thru WD but didn’t know it. Ended up in ER and the Dr recognized what was happening. He gave me a script for 10 2mg pills and told me to get w my pcp that CTing was dangerous. I called my pcp and she gave me a script for 30 1mg K. Next month, a script for 30 .5 mg K. I had so much of that poison built up in my body, the reductions never phased me ~ not until many months later. In Aug ‘19 my pcp switched me from .5 K to 5mg V with a 1 mg reduction every subsequent month. By the time Nov rolled around, that’s when I started to feel it. I was in her office in Dec crying, begging her not to take me from 2mg to 1mg. She had no clue the damage she’d done and I’m to blame too for not researching any of this.

 

I’ve been seeing a psych nurse since Feb 1 who is trying to get me stabilized on V so we can do a very slow taper. I’m now up to 9.5 mgs V and still feeling like crap every single day. My brain feels like it’s swelling, I’m confused, cognitively impaired, my feet are cold all the time but turn bright red when I’m in the shower and the skin on my toes looks unhealthy and has peeled in a cpl of spots. The body vibrations are driving me insane ~ especially in my feet. I’m so light & sound sensitive it’s hard to watch tv or listen to music. I have constant intrusive thoughts. It’s like going thru withdrawal hell while still on a benzo trying to stabilize. Feeling nauseated today too. Trying not to throw up when I brush my teeth. I start gagging , don’t know what’s causing that. I also have this ugly rash on my face that started in Feb. I’ve been told it’s perioral dermatitis and it keeps getting worse. The antibiotics Minocycline & Doxycycline all make my anxiety worse ~ so unable to take those. Was also prescribed 100mg Gabapentin to help with pain in feet from the vibrations. The first night taking it was great! Slept for 8 hrs for the first time in ages. Second night was okay but not as good as first night. Third night was miserable. Woke the next morning feeling agitated and anxiety skyrocketing. Had to stop the GABA after 3 days.

 

I know I’m whining too much. But I’m going thru this alone. I have no support system at all. Living alone and going thru this alone is so hard. I don’t know how I manage to get thru each day when all I want is to not wake up. Can someone, anyone, please tell me this will end. And I haven’t even started to taper off the V and I’m already living a hellish nightmare. Any support or helpful advice would be so appreciated. Really in need of help....

Hey there!

So sorry you are going through it living alone. I didn't do it alone...but there are many people on here who have! Some doing it alone now, and some already healed on the other side.

Hopefully they will chime in here!

All of those symptoms are Benzo related, had them all.

I was gagging all day and usually threw up a few times a week too.

And yep, Everytime I tried to brush my teeth.

It's good that you have a nurse trying to help you stabilize and then slow taper. I am sorry that you are having it rough right now.

But whatever you do...updose to stabilize...or just taper down... Just know that even though it's seems like we can't live through these symptoms...somehow we do!!!

ONLY BB showed me that some of my bizarre symptoms where typical...you are not truly alone 

Hi Nexus -

 

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time.  Tapering Benzos can be a difficult process - with a variety of unpleasant withdrawal symptoms as you know all to well.  I've heard crossing over from one benzo to another can be hard so that could well be a factor too.

 

All the symptoms you describe sound like withdrawal symptoms.  Don't worry about "whining" - you're venting and you need to!  It's incredibly frustrating and hard going through withdrawal.  It's all so unfair.  And of course it's harder when you feel you don't have a good support system.  That makes it all the more important to reach out here on BB for support.

 

Benzo withdrawal has given me some of the darkest days of my life.  I've also found strength within myself I never had a clue was there.  Please dig deep and keep moving forward through each day, each hour. 

 

Wishing you much strength and healing,

Brighterday

Most of us whine too much when we go through this stuff. Dont apologize, because all of this is so normal. It IS terrifying to feel withdrawal symptoms. You try to be rational, but your brain wont let you. Everything is distorted and just strange to you now., This IS benzo withdrawal.  Welcome to my weird world. I healed, and I see no reason why you wont too. You just have to keep on going, and learn to research pills before you take them. Most people on BB trusted their doctors. I did too. But my doctor did not let me know the real dangers of benzos and SSRIS. Because I am also a nurse, I thought I knew a lot. But I sure didnt know the entire truth.

I can tell you that once you start to heal you will feel SO much better. I sure did. My health improved vastly. My attitude improved as well. Gone was my old depression. And most of my old anxiety. I now live in a wonderful new world, where benzos dont make a bit of difference to me. I am SO glad I was forced to go off of them.

east

Most of us whine too much when we go through this stuff. Dont apologize, because all of this is so normal. It IS terrifying to feel withdrawal symptoms. You try to be rational, but your brain wont let you. Everything is distorted and just strange to you now., This IS benzo withdrawal.  Welcome to my weird world. I healed, and I see no reason why you wont too. You just have to keep on going, and learn to research pills before you take them. Most people on BB trusted their doctors. I did too. But my doctor did not let me know the real dangers of benzos and SSRIS. Because I am also a nurse, I thought I knew a lot. But I sure didnt know the entire truth.

I can tell you that once you start to heal you will feel SO much better. I sure did. My health improved vastly. My attitude improved as well. Gone was my old depression. And most of my old anxiety. I now live in a wonderful new world, where benzos dont make a bit of difference to me. I am SO glad I was forced to go off of them.

east

Hello! you say you are cured, how did you perceive the cure? that's terrible. I scratch a lot, I have a lot of anxiety. I'm afraid I'll never be able to drink coffee again. I'm afraid to drink coffee and this hell comes back.

Help me!

 

I want to thank everyone, East, Betterday, Southernbelle08, for your kind thoughts and comments. Each day is as struggle ~ I just need to get thru one day at a time. I apologize for not responding sooner ~ but I wake up each morning never knowing how I’m going to feel. Right now my brain is feeling somewhat swollen and I’m a little unsteady on my feet.

East ~ I can’t imagine how you survived being CT’d off 6mg K and Z in addition to everything else. I’m wasn’t CT’d per se, just a rapid withdrawal from 2mg K and put on V ~ which does not seem to be a good fit for me. I haven’t been able to stabilize and can only take 1mg at a time or my anxiety shoots up. Not sure if it something to do with the V blocking DAO or that it’s just incompatible with my genetics. But enough of that. I just wanted to thank each of you for taking the time to respond and let me vent and more importantly, you let me know I’m not alone in this.

Nope, you are not alone in this mess you find yourself in. I went through it and survived, and sometimes I wonder how the hell I did survive it. Every day was torture for me. I had NO relief for several years.

But I am so glad I kept on going. My life has gotten so much better not taking benzos and ADs. My depression, I realized later, was ONLY being caused by the benzos. So when I got off them and healed, my depression just....went away. I find that amazing even now.

I am a nurse. RN, of many years. I was never told or taught that benzos can do this. For heavens sake, I worked on an acute psych unit for several years and in a detox for another couple years. Never once did I hear that benzo wd could be like it was. I find this very disturbing. I feel sad, because undoubtedly I dismissed some patients complaints about withdrawal, thinking they were just

"Psychotic." Maybe they were just in benzo wd. I really dont like knowing this. I have always prided myself on being a good nurse. Turns out that in terms of benzos, I  did not know much at all.

Nexus6, just keep on going. Learn to listen to your body...it will always guide you correctly if you allow the message to be understood.

You mention something I am not familiar with: V blocking DAO? Not sure what you mean but would like to know more. I might be having one of those infamous "senior moments"!!!!!

east

Hi East

 

Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this and for your kind words of encouragement. I wake up each day saying today is going to be a good day ~ and hope & pray that it is. I don’t know where I am in the wd process after being rapid tapered off K. My last dose of .05 K was on July 8, 2019. A cpl weeks later I was put on 5 mgs V. I got stable ~ felt completely normal. It wasn’t until Nov ‘19 when I got bumped down to 3mgs V that I started to feel ‘not so good’. The early signs of wd were starting to hit. Since then it’s been a nightmare. Hohhot pointed out it could be the way my provider has me dosing. I’ve been bumped up to 9.5 mgs V to try to get me stable so we can do a slow, controlled taper. But I’m dosing at 1 mg V every 2-3 hours for a total of 6 mg during the day and 3.5 for sleep at night. Sleep. Yeah, that’s a luxury I rarely experience. Anyhow, my dosing is something I need to address w my provider. Could be why I don’t feel stable and lousy all the time.

 

Anyhow. You asked about my reference to DAO blocking V. Below is the link I found that someone else provided. Hope it helps!!

 

~Nexus6

 

https://www.everywomanover29.com/blog/the-benzodiazepine-valium-blocks-dao-and-impacts-histamine-levels-wisdom-from-yasmina-ykelenstam/

Thank you, Nexus. Interesting indeed.

None of us will ever know exactly what has caused the damage we get on benzos. Tapers are all guess works currently. No one really knows what the best thing to do is. We may never know this, because of differences in our metabolism, and other things that could affect how we react to tapering off benzos. This is sort of why I have never shunned going cold turkey. Despite the immense risks, for some, it may be the best or only way to get off benzos. Sure was for me. My story is extreme. And going cold turkey off a thirty year addiction to nightly benzos was incredible risky. But I had no choice. I was forced to do this.

And you know what? I am NOT sorry at all. I came to see that this was my ONLY sway of having a healthier life again. Over time, benzos had affected my over all health in horrific ways. None of my many doctors figured out benzos were causing all my depressions, anxiety, pain, trouble walking, weakness, falls, fractures. There was a LOT of that stuff especially in the last 12 years I took benzos. Never ONCE did I make the critical connection between this stuff and my health problems. All of us choose the way we will try to get off benzos. For me, I was simply forced to do it. And I do not regret that - at all. I am grateful, because it gave me a second chance at a healthier, happier life.

All of us make decisions. We hope they are good ones. I feel that as long as one is working to get OFF these drugs, any way is a good way.

It is learning how to cope with withdrawal that can be problematic. That takes will and skills and the willingness to try things that might make them feel better.

Let me know if I can be of more help to you.

east

I’m so sorry. I’m currently suffering with Perioral Dermatitis as well :-(. It’s hell on earth. I hope you feel better soon.