My story of naivety, stupidity and irresponsibility.

Hi all,

So I'm not sure if this is allowed within this community but I'll post anyway as I'm looking for a place where I can share. If not then please delete this and I'll be on my way. At worst it could hopefully act as a cautionary tale.

My doctor prescribed me 2 X 28 diazepam 2mg over the course of 2 months for anxiety and insomnia. I took them every now and again, for no more than 4 days although the amounts needed quickly went up. This was around 8 months ago.

The stupidly part comes from mixing these with a recreational drug that I now know can be cut with benzodiazepines to make it appear stronger. I'm not a regular user at all, maybe once a month for a day or 2 during extended time off work. I don't glorify it, recommend it nor expect sympathy. I know I've been stupid and only have myself to blame. My use crept up over the time I'd been suffering with worsening symptoms, as it allowed me to sleep. I've now realised I cannot be a responsible drug user, if there is such a thing.

More recently I've been suffering with worsening mental health that I was convinced was being caused by something physiological. I went to therapy which didn't help. Then the physical symptoms started appearing. I had no clue these could be caused by benzo withdrawal and was convinced I had something wrong with me. I'm still going through the process of eliminating things to be on the safe side.

It was only after stumbling across this forum that I realised with horror that I may have a benzo withdrawal problem, even though I thought I'd been responsible with them. I bought urine tests and even though I hadn't touched a diazepam tablet for 5 months I was positive for benzos.

So here I am, not knowing what I've taken, 2 weeks into a cold turkey withdrawal of some type of benzo that I openly and happily admit is nowhere near as bad as some I've read. I'm hoping that as I spread the use out and had weeks without I will be spared the full horrors, they're bad enough already.

So that's my stupid and irresponsible story. Hopefully I've found a home here.

Hello shoop and welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I'm glad you found us and yes, you've found a home here!  How we got here doesn't matter as much as our desire to be free of benzos and you certainly seem ready to so that.  It is so easy to beat ourselves up when we fully grasp how benzos have been affecting us but I hope you'll be able to let the blame, shame thing go and move past it as it doesn't help. 

I'm sorry you are having symptoms but I'll also hold hope for you that it won't be too bad.  I've put a link below to the post-withdrawl support forum:

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

We at BB are a supportive community.  I hope you'll take some time to familiarize yourself with this site and when you feel ready, you can start a thread.  Again, welcome to BB.

Best,

Kate

Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

We are in this together no matter how you got here. Good that you realized you might be having benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms, please see the list of Withdrawal Symptoms to help to identify them. The mental and physical symptoms can be very distressing but when you know they are not caused by an underlying illness it is easier to accept them and deal with them. With time the central nervous system heals itself, some people do better than others, not yet known why. You can read about how the brain works if you look into one of your BenzoBuddies post What's happening inside your brain. It is empowering, encouraging read and gives hope to many of us.

Share your thoughts and experiences on the different discussion boards, meet BenzoBuddies and ask questions. You will heal along with many others who share your journey.