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I need support really bad


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My withdrawal has been beyond anything I have ever read about on a y of the forums or groups. I know everyone says that but I honestly have never seen anyone post in complete desperation like me.

 

My brain races 1000 miles an hour 24/7 looping and attaching to everything. I don't know why I'm so severe. Im completely trapped in my brain, thoughts and subconscious. I can't distract and I've tried everything.

 

Hyperawareness of every thought causing terror. Brain spinning and looping attaching a compulsion to every thought and every thing I see, hear. Everything I read and watch races through my head like a parrot.

 

What is going on? I can't do this level anymore.

 

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Just from reading your message, you don’t come across as worse than many others here. Do you have any real basis for that judgement? Because I think you are not alone, and that your experience is shared by many here, and has been shared by many who eventually got to be themselves again.
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I am so sorry that you are suffering so unbearably.

 

Have you thought about psychiatric help?  I don't suggest that lightly as that's how some of us got here in the first place but I'm wondering at this point if that might help for a bit to get you through this really rough patch. I know from reading past posts and threads from previous members that some people have had to do that in order to survive and then when they stabilized they were able to taper. Some have sworn that doing this has saved their lives. Might be worth looking into?

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Just from reading your message, you don’t come across as worse than many others here. Do you have any real basis for that judgement? Because I think you are not alone, and that your experience is shared by many here, and has been shared by many who eventually got to be themselves again.

 

I just know I have some symtoms that have never been posted about before at least not on the forums and groups. I'm nearly 17 months.

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I am so sorry that you are suffering so unbearably.

 

Have you thought about psychiatric help?  I don't suggest that lightly as that's how some of us got here in the first place but I'm wondering at this point if that might help for a bit to get you through this really rough patch. I know from reading past posts and threads from previous members that some people have had to do that in order to survive and then when they stabilized they were able to taper. Some have sworn that doing this has saved their lives. Might be worth looking into?

 

I don't even know what would help me at this point. My body rejects psych drugs or they don't do anything.

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My brain feels like it is freezing every other second on different thoughts and they have compulsion tied to them. My brain freezes like it doesn't understand what it is seeing and hearing.

 

When watching TV or something my brain questions everything it sees asking questions or wanting to look up answers. It's not depersonalization or derealization.

 

It's like my brain is stuck in the compulsion mode attaching fear and a compulsion to every single thing.

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Also every time my brain hears a word it doesn't know it freezes and wants to look it up.  Seems like anything my brain doesn't know it latches onto and there is a compulsion to find the answer. 

 

Extreme racing thoughts jumping around too.

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You don't describe it as I would Perth. You do it better.  :)

 

I believe it hell withdrawal and does have that compulsive feel to it too.  I have the added bullshit of developing a verbal tic, always exacerbated by anxiety.  It definitely improving as is the headspace you describe.  It's insane making.  And I'm not insane. Nor are you.  We've just got to keep going and take really good care of ourselves. 

 

I'm 15 months and never in my wildest dreams would I have envisaged this happening to me.  It feels wasted, but at the same time I have learned a lot. 

 

You're not alone Perth. 

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It is entirely possible that you are just being too fine-grained in your analysis of your state to feel that you recognize your experience in others. Your mind freezes, which I could easily imagine someone else call going blank, for example.

 

Have you tried practicing progressive relaxation? There’s a thread I made of that name which describes it. I think it is one of the most effective tools at lowering stress, and when you lower stress (which is obviously cracked through the ceiling at the moment), you have a much better opportunity to recover. Once you have the kind of experience benzo withdrawal brings on, it may be necessary to learn to slow yourself down, even if it wasn’t necessary before. You can couple it with 4-7-8 breathing, which stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. I remember feeling like my mind was moving too fast and the train of thought would unravel, and I would get jammed up and instantly fill with dread. It is traumatizing when it keeps happening because of how severely it affects you, so it makes sense that it needs active work to learn to relax after that. In other words, it is not just the drug withdrawal, it is also the traumatizing experience of the drug withdrawal that leaves some marks I think. 

 

Whether my suggestion helps you or not, I’m sure you have a mind underneath it all that is a lot more clear than you dare to hope. And I’m also fairly sure that you will move towards it any time you get better at truly slowing yourself down.

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I am also reminded of a conversation I had with Baylissa a few months ago.

 

I called her out of desperation and it was the second time I talked with her. I told her part of the reason for my call is that no one on BB has posted about my symptoms other than one other person who was here years ago. I told her I had posted a few times trying to find others that suffered in the way that I do and I hardly ever got any responses.

 

She told me that she had worked with many others who had my symptoms but they just didn't describe it in the words or ways that I do but the symptoms were the same. She also said that not everyone suffering from benzo withdraw are on the internet groups and forums. She has worked with thousands of people over the years and she really reassured me that the hell I was/am enduring is indeed more common than I otherwise thought.

 

Maybe schedule a session with her or Dr. Leigh or David Powers of The Lovely Grind or someone that can offer you more one on one attention and support.

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