CT Help -- Sudden deep depression and disconnect from family

I stopped Kpin on 5/5/20. Tolerance and paradoxicals. A lot of DP/DR. Tried one dose 9 days ago, took slight edge off but not really. Pretty much I've gone from bad to worse, namely feeling suddenly that no one, especially spouse, loves me and I don't love anyone in return. Deep despair. Worse disconnection and DP/DR. Feels like demons are squeezing my head. Not even a little pleasure in anything. I didn't think it could get worse. My God this depression. I drove One and a half hours to/from family's house two days before my CT. Haven't driven since and am convinced now I'll never feel love from anyone again. And that I don't love anyone in return. The darkest loneliness I've ever felt. Deep down it's probably just my brain and not me but a lightswitch has been flipped. What have I done? I don't see reinstating as an option though. I couldn't taper. Request for V crossover wasn't successful.

D, my friend,

Please dont give up. What you described is completely normal for us. This IS benzo wd, perhaps the most challenging thing you will ever do.

Not feeling love or any emotions is normal for us. Anhedonia. Fancy name for something most of us feel. You have given an excellent description of what benzo wd is like.

Keep in mind at all times what causes this. Your brain does. It is that simple but of course, the human brain is NOT simple. Your benzo damaged brainis causing all this turmoil. And that brain damage IS temporary. As you slowly heal, you will slowly, slowly, become yourself again, But a better you. That is bow it was for me, Del. I used so many damn benzos for so many years, that its really amazing I am still alive. But I am and now feel SO much better. Being able to LOVE again has been miraculous. This was the weirdest, most difficult thing i ever did, but also the most rewarding.

HUGE HUG to YOU!

Annie

Welcome to the world of C/T.  I agree that everything you describe are classic CT symptoms.  It's probably going to be kind of rough for a month or three.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I c/t'd.  It sucked for a while, but life is all good again now.

 

Realize that this is a drug-induced, temporary condition and try to ride this out as best you can.  Emotions could run high or might be vacant (or both).  Your family loves you just the same as they did a month ago.  All thoughts to the contrary is just withdrawal talking.  Try to not listen to those thoughts.  Weird, looping, negative thinking is very common during withdrawal.

 

Find something mellow to do to help keep your mind off how crappy you feel.  I found therapy useful.

Welcome to the world of C/T.  I agree that everything you describe are classic CT symptoms.  It's probably going to be kind of rough for a month or three.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I c/t'd.  It sucked for a while, but life is all good again now.

 

Realize that this is a drug-induced, temporary condition and try to ride this out as best you can.  Emotions could run high or might be vacant (or both).  Your family loves you just the same as they did a month ago.  All thoughts to the contrary is just withdrawal talking.  Try to not listen to those thoughts.  Weird, looping, negative thinking is very common during withdrawal.

 

Find something mellow to do to help keep your mind off how crappy you feel.  I found therapy useful.

 

Thanks for the reminder. I'm probably really in the thick of it with acute withdrawal right now. It's not even been a month yet. I had a brief window of what is to come, hopefully, when yesterday I watched a movie for the first time in weeks and could sort of see normal spatial relationships, plus a 3hour or so reprieve from depersonalization. Then today symptoms are much worse again, with new symptom of hives. I wonder if a brief 3hr window this early on could be a sign of good things to come eventually, I just have to hold on, I know.

 

I would rather be spending time with my spouse on our anniversary weekend but instead am on the forums, not that I'm not appreciative of this site, because I am, it just seems like I have become too self-absorbed. We watched some Youtube videos together earlier but I had to stop because it felt like peoples' faces online were threatening. I hope my relationships can remain intact.

How are you feeling today? I feel very similar. Do you have this feeling all the time or does it come and go? I am in day 6 of my most recent taper and I feel a heavy horrivle depression. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

You are still in "acute withdrawal." The first 4 weeks are usually the worst. Please try not to worry about seizures. They are very unlikely. But they ARE a risk, of course.

It will take you some time to get more stable.  But to be honest there is nothing you can do to prevent withdrawal symptoms. They will occur no matter what. Your  brain is in an uproar now. A d it needs time to heal itself. Suggestions: dont try supplements. None will help you. Dont make huge diet changes. Try to eat healthy but dont obsess about this. Eat what you like and lose weight later on. Dont go on any new "mood altering" drugs. Avoid things like muscle relaxers as they can affect how you feel too.

 

Benzo wd is "self absorbed." Who wouldnt be that way, feeling as we do? There is just something about benzo wd that makes on turn inwards...you may feel selfish but I would say you are simply trying to survive something you had NO IDEA could happen. Gosh, this stuff is so confusing.

It has been almost 8 years since I started this weird journey back to health. I have learned a lot along the way. My over health is so much better. My mental health is fine, but going through this did not "fix" the old hurts my inner child had. Those still remain intact.

Let us know how you are doing, please.

east

You are still in "acute withdrawal." The first 4 weeks are usually the worst. Please try not to worry about seizures. They are very unlikely. But they ARE a risk, of course.

It will take you some time to get more stable.  But to be honest there is nothing you can do to prevent withdrawal symptoms. They will occur no matter what. Your  brain is in an uproar now. A d it needs time to heal itself. Suggestions: dont try supplements. None will help you. Dont make huge diet changes. Try to eat healthy but dont obsess about this. Eat what you like and lose weight later on. Dont go on any new "mood altering" drugs. Avoid things like muscle relaxers as they can affect how you feel too.

 

Benzo wd is "self absorbed." Who wouldnt be that way, feeling as we do? There is just something about benzo wd that makes on turn inwards...you may feel selfish but I would say you are simply trying to survive something you had NO IDEA could happen. Gosh, this stuff is so confusing.

It has been almost 8 years since I started this weird journey back to health. I have learned a lot along the way. My over health is so much better. My mental health is fine, but going through this did not "fix" the old hurts my inner child had. Those still remain intact.

Let us know how you are doing, please.

east

What about magnesium?

In general, there aren't any supplements that show general easing of symptoms (else, everybody would be taking that supplements).  A fair number of people try taking some kind of magnesium supplement.  Most don't continue with it.

Your at the hardest part,hang in there IT WILL GET BETTER! 

I am still struggling a lot, granted it's only been 25 days, I have almost constant akathisia, I question my decision to stop Kpin but it's too late now. People say distract, but how do people distract when senses are too overwhelmed to read, color, talk, garden, watch a video, etc.? Writing online is one of the few things I can do. I am still in acute and hope to have another window soon.

Writing on-line is a great distraction.  You may find gaming to be another decent distraction.  Any mellow, semi-enjoyable activity that keeps your brain busy is a good distraction.  Try to not judge yourself or your performance/ability during withdrawal.  Your senses are going to be screwed up for a while.  Try to roll with it as best you can.  I know it's hard.

Distracting yourself will always be the best thing you can do. It doesnt have to be something complicated. Repetitive stuff seems to work best for most. I strung beads. Teensy tiny ones. I did this for several months and became proficient in this. It got my mind OFF my miserable withdrawal, at least enough to give me SOME relief. My wd symptoms did not stop during stringing beads, but nor was I focused on them so much. That did help.

Find something to do which uses both your hands and your mind. One man here untied a long length of hemp rope. Took him months to do that. And doing this did help him cope. One lady did coloring books. Another did jigsaw puzzles. Whatever gets your mind OFF withdrawal will be a good thing.

The more you focus on how bad you feel, you will only feel worse. It is that simple. Force yourself to get your mind OFF wd and onto something else. And keep doing that until you start to heal.

This stuff really does work, even if the idea of unravelling a hemp rope strikes you as silly.

east

First off DelSol - what you are feeling or lacking in feeling is COMPLETELY normal.  Also, the urge to "escape" because of no love is exactly where I was at your stage in withdrawals/recovery.  IT PASSES.  But don't forget that these are just feelings and not truths so act accordingly.  I almost ditched my family when I needed them the most.

 

Secondly - and I have been meaning to post this for some time now - what people are saying to do with DISTRACTION can also be called mindfulness.  They are not the opposite in this case.  You do an activity focusing on the PROCESS (like stringing beads or unraveling a copper wire) so that your mind doesn't stay hypervigilant to the awful symptoms.  However, I found that a crucial element to doing this mindful activity for healing is complete rest afterwards.  Actually, my Aunt who is an Occupational Therapist taught me that.

 

Take care everyone. 

Your at the hardest part,hang in there IT WILL GET BETTER!

 

Thanks Harley Bob. I see you did a CT as well, so hearing this from you feels encouraging.

 

D, my friend,

Please dont give up. What you described is completely normal for us. This IS benzo wd, perhaps the most challenging thing you will ever do.

Not feeling love or any emotions is normal for us. Anhedonia. Fancy name for something most of us feel. You have given an excellent description of what benzo wd is like.

Keep in mind at all times what causes this. Your brain does. It is that simple but of course, the human brain is NOT simple. Your benzo damaged brainis causing all this turmoil. And that brain damage IS temporary. As you slowly heal, you will slowly, slowly, become yourself again, But a better you. That is bow it was for me, Del. I used so many damn benzos for so many years, that its really amazing I am still alive. But I am and now feel SO much better. Being able to LOVE again has been miraculous. This was the weirdest, most difficult thing i ever did, but also the most rewarding.

HUGE HUG to YOU!

Annie

 

Thank you for your ongoing encouragement. Today is day 27 off of Kpin. Things keep getting weirder. But I know I'm in here somewhere.

 

Distracting yourself will always be the best thing you can do. It doesnt have to be something complicated. Repetitive stuff seems to work best for most. I strung beads. Teensy tiny ones. I did this for several months and became proficient in this. It got my mind OFF my miserable withdrawal, at least enough to give me SOME relief. My wd symptoms did not stop during stringing beads, but nor was I focused on them so much. That did help.

Find something to do which uses both your hands and your mind. One man here untied a long length of hemp rope. Took him months to do that. And doing this did help him cope. One lady did coloring books. Another did jigsaw puzzles. Whatever gets your mind OFF withdrawal will be a good thing.

The more you focus on how bad you feel, you will only feel worse. It is that simple. Force yourself to get your mind OFF wd and onto something else. And keep doing that until you start to heal.

This stuff really does work, even if the idea of unravelling a hemp rope strikes you as silly.

east

 

Maybe not unraveling rope -- but maybe I can try creating a collage or something. I try coloring, and the scratching of the pencil/crayon sometimes gets to feel like too much. Sending cards and emails helps somewhat. I used to do a lot of hand drumming but right now, it feels too loud and overstimulating. I do online improv theatre still. You'd think that would be more overstimulating than coloring -- hahaha -- but actually it gets me out of my head quite a bit. Any talking/social interaction does. It gets my excess tension out.

 

First off DelSol - what you are feeling or lacking in feeling is COMPLETELY normal.  Also, the urge to "escape" because of no love is exactly where I was at your stage in withdrawals/recovery.  IT PASSES.  But don't forget that these are just feelings and not truths so act accordingly.  I almost ditched my family when I needed them the most.

 

Secondly - and I have been meaning to post this for some time now - what people are saying to do with DISTRACTION can also be called mindfulness.  They are not the opposite in this case.  You do an activity focusing on the PROCESS (like stringing beads or unraveling a copper wire) so that your mind doesn't stay hypervigilant to the awful symptoms.  However, I found that a crucial element to doing this mindful activity for healing is complete rest afterwards.  Actually, my Aunt who is an Occupational Therapist taught me that.

 

Take care everyone. 

 

Thank you for the recommendations and the solidarity. I am still in the thick of acute withdrawal and feel completely separate from the world. It feels so surreal, as I am usually extremely social. I know deep down I am loved and cared about -- A ****LOT**** . The brain is really playing tricks. But I will try some of the things you guys on here are saying. I have a ton of craft supplies. I'll report back on my progress and on what I did.

 

 

Delsol

 

I can feel your inner fighting spirit in the way you write...its a good thing. Some days you may feel like you don't have any fight left - but you do. And surrendering to this process is not defeat either. I feel it is a mix of fight and surrender. there may be days you can "feel" or days you feel "hollow" - or days you your "feels" may be exaggerated (extra whatever you're feeling). All normal. Hang in there - its weird right now - I know. But you're actually doing really well.

 

New symptom: Tourette's-like vocalizations, urges to scream obscenities. Seriously what the heck is this doing to me? I am afraid to be anywhere near loved ones for sure now. I cannot believe this is happening. Is this a thing, and does it go away? I feel so completely alone in this.

I have read of someone on here that had verbal "tics" like what you are describing...Wish I could remember where I read it. Sorry Delsol. Give it time. Everything is super weird in the beginning and seems like anything is plausible.

I hope someone chimes in on here who can offer you something more substantial.

As weird and scary as this stuff is, it is all very normal when you suddenly go off a drug such as benzos Why is this? Its fairly simple. Benzos work on your brain. Your brain controls everything about you. So when you go off this sort of drug, your brain goes a bit crazy. It is trying to heal itself even as I type this. But you? You still feel terrified and strange all of the time. That is normal. ALL those weird symptoms arise in your brain. Your fear, anxiety, inner vibrations, shakes, stomach pain, itchy skin - all this stuff comes from your temporarily damaged brain.

All you can do is hang on for now. This WILL get better, in TIME. Your brain will heal itself and you can do nothing to help that process except wait.

Distract yourself from it all. This may be your best plan. And continue to reach out for help here.

east