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How to accept what has happened


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Hi

 

I'm really struggling to accept what has happened to me.

 

Some Months ago I was perfectly healthy and in my prime (25y old).

 

Then an ignorant doctor prescribed me lorazepam. He didn't warn me or told me how to use them. And I didn't research properly.

 

Now My life is hell.. Running from doctor to doctor.. no one understands or helps. My Psychotherapist told me i must be shizophrenic and benzo wothdrawal cannot last longer than some weeks.

 

It's all a bad joke.. I want my life back, my youth...

 

My body has changed even after short term use. I can feel my bloodflow everywhere my blood vessels are more prominent and i can see my heart pounding all over the body...

warning next sentence might be upsetting for some:

i had no feeling in my penis the first week.. it works again but it still feels someone odd and even my penis is pulsating to the heart beat its crazy. I'm afraid it will stop working again

 

I don't believe it's all withdrawal.. maybe something caused by the cold turkey

 

It is so hard to accept this new situation, for any other sickness there is a definite explantion and doctors can at least treat it

 

It feels like a bad movie... the doctor makes you sick, then tells you your old sickness has returned and no one believes you or listens to you.. psychotherapist calls you crazy.. everyone wants you to take meds

 

I was asking the therapist to help me accept the situation and all he does is talking about nutrition and that i should eat river fish and no sea water fish.. and nuts need to be chewed at least 50 times before digesting..  then he said the neurologist was right to treat my shizophrenia with the benzo, 5 minutes later he told me the benzo caused my shizophrenia.. who is crazy now  :idiot:

 

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Sorry to hear bud. There is no doubt that most drs have little to no understanding of this epidemic which seems crazy to me. This is your job, how could you not know??

 

The pulsating heart beat through the body was one of my biggest symptoms when I was in interdose withdrawal for 2 months prior to starting my taper. It truly sucked. What helped me was that during most of that 2 months I thought it was me that was the problem, not that A was causing. I had no idea at that point what benzos do to you. Once I learned, it still sucked but at least I knew it wasn't me with the issue, it was the benzo causing the issue. It literally stopped within 2 days of starting my taper (but came back 9 days ago because of going to fast with my taper). I remember one point it was like 6 weeks straight of pulsating and I literally just broke down one night and cried it out....then started the taper shortly there after.

 

I haven't had any penis issues other than taking longer to climax but I believe that was due to prozac. That must have been a weird and scary feeling!

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I think at this point acceptance is a huge goal. I would say, try the step which comes before acceptance - stop fighting against your situation.

We all agree that what has happened to us is horrible and a crime and so on, but I will not go deeper into this, because... BECAUSE it will rob you energy.

The first healing step for me was to make myself see that I had so little energy, that I had to watch where my energy went into.

And struggling with the past will rob you the energy you now need to do research, to find the best therapy, strategies and your way back to life.

So - instead of praying to become your old self, which is insane because with each second we are not our former self anymore - I would recommend to take the anger, the grief and all other emotions about your past and channel that in order to survive right now.

Sounds harsh, but helped me. Have a look at my signature, - I had to go through hell.

 

If you need grief and sadness, allow yourself to sink into that once a week and then step actively out of it again.

 

If you are walking through hell, this is not the time to struggle with your past. This is the time to manage your energy and to keep the nose into the direction you wanna get, even if you cannot see the door out. Try to focus on things which keep you going and give you a glimpse of hope. If you dont find anything that gives you hope or strength, be PRAGMATIC and logical. The fact you dont have a solution right now, and you did maybe not have it in the past does not logically mean that there won't be a solution in the future - that's only human-thinking.

 

This kind of thinking has helped me to make it. Maybe it helps you, if not, toss it! You will then find something else, everyone finds the own way to leave this hell again.

 

Marigold

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for your advice.

 

It is still so hard for me to cope. Everytime I do something I wish I would be healthy now and can actually enjoy it.

 

I'm visiting 2 new pychotherapists next week just to help me not going insane.

 

Sometimes I think I died and I am in hell now...I was always so cautious and then this happened to me.. That's why it's so hard for me to cope. My life strategy has always been prevention... I knew bad things can happen and I experienced setbacks before but this is just too cruel for me.

 

I could have never imagined..

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Thank you for your advice.

 

It is still so hard for me to cope. Everytime I do something I wish I would be healthy now and can actually enjoy it.

 

I'm visiting 2 new pychotherapists next week just to help me not going insane.

 

Sometimes I think I died and I am in hell now...I was always so cautious and then this happened to me.. That's why it's so hard for me to cope. My life strategy has always been prevention... I knew bad things can happen and I experienced setbacks before but this is just too cruel for me.

 

I could have never imagined..

 

You will profit from the strategies you learn now. I still profit from the strategies I had to practice in withdrawal.

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Hang in there. I know it's hard to believe when you're feeling so awful, but the damage done to you because of benzos will eventually go away. I'm also a short-term user of Lorazepam and I know this medication is straight up from Satan! Popping that first pill is one of my life's biggest regrets :(

 

But we cannot change the past, unfortunately. Take it day by day. Your BWD symptoms will improve in time.

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I got destroyed too and after so little time. I was in the absolute wrong place at the wrong time and took the wrong drug when I had other options. Sometimes I think this must be my destiny, Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. Maby in some cruel way this had to happen. I’m 30, I used to be strong and happy now I feel physically half dead. This is the kind of horror your feel in a nightmare and your so relieved when you wake up and realize everything is ok.
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Hi Iwillheal,

 

I'm so sorry your going through a rough time.  Benzo withdrawal can be brutal.  You're very wise to think about learning to accept where  you are at this moment. 

 

Benzos can stop us from learning how to cope with stress and change.  Without them we have to learn new coping skills.  So now is a good time and an important time for you to focus on developing a toolbox of things you can turn to when you need to soothe yourself, things that are positive and healthy.  Most skills like this need to be practiced everyday.  Above all mindfulness meditation is probably the best way to learn how to accept what is as opposed to what you wish it were; this is the essence of acceptance.  Other tools are deep slow breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, positive visualization, yoga, gentle exercise,  positive affirmations, and calming music. 

 

Beyond developing practices like this, distraction is key for many of us.  Find activities you can dive into that keep you busy and keep your mind off your ruminations and worries.  It takes time to heal and distracting yourself helps you get through. 

 

Give yourself time.  You will dig deep and find strength and patience you didn't know you had!

 

Take care,

Brighterday  :)

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you all for your help

 

 

 

The pulsating heart beat through the body was one of my biggest symptoms when I was in interdose withdrawal for 2 months prior to starting my taper. It truly sucked. What helped me was that during most of that 2 months I thought it was me that was the problem, not that A was causing. I had no idea at that point what benzos do to you. Once I learned, it still sucked but at least I knew it wasn't me with the issue, it was the benzo causing the issue. It literally stopped within 2 days of starting my taper (but came back 9 days ago because of going to fast with my taper). I remember one point it was like 6 weeks straight of pulsating and I literally just broke down one night and cried it out....then started the taper shortly there after.

 

 

 

Did this symptom vanish for you? I'm afraid it has something to do with my blood vessels since they got bigger or the cold turkey caused an aneurysm in my body somewhere. My carotid artery is visible now but i got it checked and there is nothing wrong. I can feel my heart pulsating in my neck all the time however.

 

 

I got destroyed too and after so little time. I was in the absolute wrong place at the wrong time and took the wrong drug when I had other options. Sometimes I think this must be my destiny, Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. Maby in some cruel way this had to happen. I’m 30, I used to be strong and happy now I feel physically half dead. This is the kind of horror your feel in a nightmare and your so relieved when you wake up and realize everything is ok.

 

I can feel you. I went to the gym 5 times a week, after having some rough years I was finally happy in life. I procrastinated so much in life but last year I finally got my act together.  The craving to travel back to last year is insane. 2018-19 have been the greatest years in my life.I don't know why but somehow it seems that lorazepam hits you hard even after short term use.  Sometimes I think that life wants to punish me or doesn't want to grant me an extra chance.

 

But that is nonsense. This is victim mentality. We are responisble for our own lifes. We have to fight and learn, that's all we can do.

 

There are some thoughts that I try to remember.

 

This is way too much for me I am weak. - This is a chance to grow. If you can beat this you can beat anything.

 

Sometimes I think I have lost everything, my life, my intelligence, my dreams, my sanity. - But there's no proof for it so it's a lie. I thought I could never take warm baths again, so I took a warm bath. It did feel better though when my heart wasn't pulsating so much.

 

I am so jealous. All the other people are having fun and are healthy. - I cannot know their story/suffering.

 

I am worthless and my poor life decisions have brought me here - There is still more than enough time to create something meaningful in life.

 

How can I be happy If I am disabled like that. - There are so many people with worse conditions who managed to achieve fulfillment in life (e.g. stephen hawking) and we have a good chance to heal.

 

This is the one single thing that should not have happened to me. - life is suffering and there are so many people suffering so much. being abused or losing your partner in a car accident when it's your fault. life is full of tragedy. if we could chose a happy life there would be no suffering.

 

when my thoughts get really dark - this will not improve my situation in any way. people that I love will suffer the same way as I suffer now. what are some years of suffering when I still have decades of good life upon me. giving up is cowardice.

 

I wanted to change my life but now it's too late - do it anyway.

 

 

I am still struggling to develope this mindset but the other choice is despair which is not helpful of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I like how you've written how you "reframe" your thoughts. A good reminder for all of us. sometimes its hard to do for sure - but so necessary in surviving this.

 

I think accepting what has gone on is not a one and done thing. Sometimes we make some kind of peace with it, only to find emotions running high and then having to make peace with it again. A journey:)

 

Thanks for your post:)

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I understand you man, I got prescribed with Klonopin when I was 17 (I'm 23 now), also fighting against it, stay strong!
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