Anhedonia forever?

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Hi, Feebi

 

I don't know anything about the specific meds you were prescribed or what happens to some people who have been polydrugged.

 

I have seen people in my own life go through severe traumas, addictions, psychiatric meds and all sorts of stressors.

 

The one who stands out to me the most is my daughter who was polydrugged (benzos, antipsychotics, beta blockers, etc) in a psychiatric hospital after coming off of opiates and alcohol. She has not had an easy time of it, but she is now doing better than she was even before all of the dark times. She looks healthy and she is busy with work, creative pursuits and a supportive boyfriend. I don't know everything about her life, but I know that she isn't on hard drugs or psychiatric meds anymore. She smiles and laughs and cracks jokes. She made a video of herself dancing to some hit songs of the 70s and 80s and sent it to me to cheer me up during my self-isolation. I can't believe this is the same girl who used to go around in a haze or having mood swings or just zombied out and apathetic.

 

So I'm offering a bit of her history because she was such a severe case, but now she is the whole person she was meant to be. I don't think her life will always be rosy because that's not true for anyone. But I have witnessed first-hand what is possible, and I don't see why it couldn't be possible for most people who are struggling as well. We can't know all of the different reasons why some people feel that they are permanently altered. We can't see them in their everyday lives and environments. We can only commit to ourselves and what is best for us and not compare ourselves to other people we don't even know.

 

I hear in your message that you feel "stupid" for taking the adhd drug, which sounds like self-blame, guilt and shame. You also are feeling fearful that emotions and pleasure will permanently elude you. I understand those feelings, having experienced them myself and I probably will again at times. But just because we fear that something could happen doesn't mean it will happen. And just because we regret certain decisions doesn't mean that we went looking for trouble.

 

If you're tapering, then you're already healing. Just keep reaching out for help like you have already, and don't think meanly of yourself or your future.

 

-Liz

BaronessBlixen, may I ask the steps your daughter took to get off everything? I am currently pretty polydrugged... tapering K, and have added 7.5mg mirtazapine and 40mg of propranolol (beta blocker) to "help" my taper. The longer I go, the more I'm convinced that the meds are doing way more harm than good. I'm stuck, I'm not sure what to keep tapering, what to drop, what's actually "helping", and what's hurting. I am so tempted to just cut everything off CT. I've been fighting this battle for over 2 years now, and I just don't think tapering has been right for me at all. The drugs are all just making me worse. 

Hi benzhearsay

 

I actually don't know what she did regarding her meds because she wasn't living with me at the time or talking to me either. I doubt if she did anything slow or measured because that has never been her style. At that time, I was only able to text with her about once a week.

 

During the brief time that she was at home and on psych meds she was really underweight from the hard drugs, so that is a big factor in how they affected her. Propranolol seemed to make her the most weak and shaky. Seroquel knocked her out heavily. She was really in a fog the whole time.

 

I don't recall that she was ever prescribed a benzo beyond the short term.

 

I'm really sorry that you are struggling so much. It seems like klonopin, lorazapam, and xanax force everyone who has been on them past a month to enter into a long taper. It is tempting to just stop taking everything, but that seems like a guarantee that we will feel worse for longer. For myself, I now wish that the lorazepam had been the first thing to taper rather than the pain and SSRI meds. If you can keep tapering the K at all that seems like it would be the best thing in terms of helping you across the board.

 

This whole thing really isn't fair. We're just trying to get off of a medication!

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