Author Topic: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump  (Read 1075 times)

[Buddie]

Hellooooo everyone! So I haven't been on in a bit... but...

I jumped Dec 29th after doing a second valium taper following a slow (though stil too fast) taper. This is my second benzo withdrawal and this time using less was far worse initially than the first one I did a few years ago. This time around I had horrible, horrible palps. Between both withdrawals one from Ativan in 2015/2016 and the more recent one from Ativan crossover to Valium, this one was far worse. I have experienced every symptom at some point short of a seizure between the two. If you have not experienced palps happening every few beats, non stop all day everyday, consider yourself lucky. There is nothing worse than that at least in my opinion. Not sure why I had them so bad the second time around!

When I re-started my taper at the end of October I went from 2mg down to about 0.25mg shaving off bits of pills using a gem scale I got from Amazon which worked quite well compared to my first attempt at jumping. I kind of went with how my body felt sometimes reducing a little more or a little less. I never really held for more than a few days at any point. With listening to my body I was able to gauge what I could handle and it worked so well that I had gained quite a bit of confidence that I was ready to jump just after Christmas (which was a little earlier than my goal of around the second week of January).


When I finally did jump.. nothing happened, nothing changed, I didn't have any worse symptoms than I had already had. Nothing. I somehow managed at six weeks off to apply for jobs and.. somehow I got hired at a company starting the first week of March. The first week was brutal there and actually went home on my first day because as most of you know.. insomnia is very real and lack of sleep makes all your horrible symptoms much worse which was so embarrassing but I am still employed and working full time from home (due to the craziness of covid) which has been great!

I could really drag out this story, but I've got a life to life and so do all of you!

In 2015/2016 I had Cold Turkeyed Ativan and it was hell and there were lots of things I didn't do to help myself out and speed up recovery. My knowledge of that helped me this second time around in 2019/2020 and I did things which forced me to be uncomfortable and go against everything my body was feeling because I knew they would help me heal faster and THEY DID. Not that I am 100%, but I am happily very functional now.

My worst symptoms this time around were:
Palps, Palps, Palps - likely made worse from so many rounds of antibiotics for recurring sinus infections, I was hitting every third beat with skips that hurt and made me so dizzy.
Insomnia - Not sleeping for days on end
Intrusive thoughts/Racing thoughts
Dizziness/Visual Disturbance
Panic Attacks
Agoraphobia
Twitching and crawling muscles

Current are:
The worst thing I have now which has been the slowest to improve is twitching/crawling muscles especially in my legs which isn't even that bad
I get a bit panicy in the AM probably from cortisol being higher in the AM but i don't have panic attacks
Some dizziness
Some palps random here and there, I've had the odd ectopic all my life they aren't quite at a normal level but I don't really get them enough anymore to be bothered at all by them.
Drug induced psoriasis, apparently a side effect that can happen from coming off benzos. Not sure if it'll go away but it is genetic in my family as well but wow did it flare up on my mid section post jump.

Things I did to help myself this time around:
No matter how hard it is, no matter how impossible it seems, no matter how scared you are: EXPOSURE THERAPY, get out and walk around, go to a grocery store, or take one step closer to it every day or every other day or some kind of goal to push yourself. IT HELPS, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Avoid Caffeine and Alcohol - I haven't had a drink since July last year. I will never drink again, I know my body and having gone through two benzo withdrawals now. I am finished with alcohol, I don't miss it I don't care. Give it up. I know Ashton had said it's a normal part of life but for me it will never touch my lips again. I think many should consider that too. Caffeine has never agreed with me so I've avoided that as it causes migraines for me.
The only food aside from known allergies I have that gave me a hard time was protein powder, I don't know if that is from L-Glutamine or other, that will bring on the palps though in me and make me feel like garbage. I didn't avoid foods containing glutamate though.
Exercise - Walk and work up to more and more. Hit the weights, start light and push yourself when you can.
Work on yourself - Study something online or read exercise your mind!
Forgive yourself and be patient - no need to get down on yourself, it is what it is and your life isn't over yet, use what you are going through now to help create the person you want to be at the end of withdrawal.
Stay away from bad stories here, one thing I learned about this site is it can be very easy to become symptom obsessed and it will just make things worse. That being said there are some serious gems in here story wise that are so inspiring, they kept making me think, "why not me?"

I am not fully healed but I am well enough that I can go about my life and enjoy it and know I will keep getting better and you will too!

There is hope for every one of us! I've done this twice now and you will get better too.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2020, 04:59:30 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2020, 08:49:19 am »
I appreciate you taking the time to tell your story.

I can pick out similarities in how I approach this process, although I am forced to taper a little slower than you. I try to do what's healthy, within reason, but this is a long journey and sometimes I fall off the wagon. That's why I am browsing these forums, because I have lost my way just a little and need reminding about bad habits I have picked up and good habits that I have dropped. I use cannabis from time to time and sometimes quite prolifically. I think it helps quite a lot although I definitely have to mind myself. I've been on a cannabis phase lately and predictably my diet has suffered and I'm not active enough. I allow myself these phases, although I try not to excuse them going on too long. It's a fine balance. Like you, I refuse to go so far as examining things like glutamate and histamine to develop a special benzo withdrawal diet. It's sometimes hard to know whether you are doing the right thing but I've always thought that tinkering too much with diet and nutrition can have unintended negative consequences. I have chelated magnesium, cod liver oil and vitamin C supplements which I take nowhere near every day. They probably do their best work as placebo but anyway, they don't seem to make me worse and in theory should help in some small way.

The part that I struggle with sometimes is changing gears. It's a byproduct of being able to show forgiveness towards oneself. It's a nice day outside and I have got some decent, healthy food to eat. So what I think I should do (which is what I would want to do, if I was in the swing of things) is have a small healthy breakfast, do some walking, salmon for lunch and chill out during the afternoon knowing that I have done the right thing for today. The problem I sometimes have is that I'm comfortable here in bed with the window open and if I had an empty house, I might consider just getting stoned and not minding what I eat and not getting a bit of exercise. I'd easily forgive myself. But a big part of the reason I'm typing this is because I've skipped on doing the right thing a bit too often lately and I need to change gears.

Good for you, getting on with life. That's what basically everybody who is in this mess wants for themselves so it's heartening to hear from people who get to that point. Thanks.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2020, 12:15:42 am »
I too appreciate your story and success! I am on multiple drugs: bupro. divilproex, and 25 mg of quieptine (sorry about the spellings}
First on the list is a cross over of Valium from Ativan. I'm down to 7.5 mg and holding for 6 months. I'm in no rush. I'll tell you the quiep. knocks me on my butt but when I remove it and the Divipro. I kind of freak out!

All those symptoms I had on the way up after trying everything under the sun out of complete terror! I finally realized one of the main
culprits was the benzos being added an taken away. Many hospitalizations ensued.

I got a bit stable and a Doctor agreed to a slow taper when I brought her the Ashton Manual.

i'm scared I'm going to experience all the bells and whistles on the way back down because of the trauma.

Mostly I'm a lot better than before the taper at this point at 7.5 mg. Any suggestions would be appreciated! Congrats!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2020, 05:00:43 am »
I too appreciate your story and success! I am on multiple drugs: bupro. divilproex, and 25 mg of quieptine (sorry about the spellings}
First on the list is a cross over of Valium from Ativan. I'm down to 7.5 mg and holding for 6 months. I'm in no rush. I'll tell you the quiep. knocks me on my butt but when I remove it and the Divipro. I kind of freak out!

All those symptoms I had on the way up after trying everything under the sun out of complete terror! I finally realized one of the main
culprits was the benzos being added an taken away. Many hospitalizations ensued.

I got a bit stable and a Doctor agreed to a slow taper when I brought her the Ashton Manual.

i'm scared I'm going to experience all the bells and whistles on the way back down because of the trauma.

Mostly I'm a lot better than before the taper at this point at 7.5 mg. Any suggestions would be appreciated! Congrats!

I was super scared to experience symptoms again once I went to taper down again but it really was no worse. The fear of the symptoms themselves makes it much worse. Find something you can do hobby wise, read or learn something on a laptop that you can focus on that you enjoy that definitely helped put the symptoms on the side lines sometimes for me. Then eventually my mind got so wrapped up in things I wanted to accomplish that it healed faster. Most importantly never give up and don't be afraid to keep on tapering down, it is much better than cold turkey and I think it is a good thing to press forward in little cuts at a time.

You'll be okay! Keep at it!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2020, 01:53:13 pm »
Thanks for sharing your success story.  I just hit three months post jump.

You have made quite a lot of improvements to your life....hard to believe all that can change in just 4 months!

So true about exposure therapy.  My therapist used this with me to help me deal with claustrophobia.  We spent an entire hour riding the elevators in his building...scariest thing I ever did!

Also true about avoiding the symptom obsessed here.  This is why I primarily read the success stories and introductions.  However, what drove me to this site was the feeling that I was going crazy due to my symptoms and so I understand where some of these people are coming from. 

Thanks again for the great success story!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2020, 03:40:49 pm »
Your success story has helped me today.   I hit a very rough wave last night.   Iím tapering, not post jump.   But it freaked me out.   Iím less scared now.   Thank you!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2020, 11:57:27 pm »
you comment about finding a hobby strikes home because of my apathy. i used to love riding my bmx for hours on end but cant bring myself to take the train to the city and shred some street. it makes lightens me up but it doesnt make me happy anymore. (this was a red flag for me)

 I have been trying to learn spanish for the same amount of years i have been on benzos. I started with a pretty strong foundation but cant walk it across the finish line. (another red flag for me)

i hope when this is all over i will pick up the spanish and resume my love for sports and riding my bmx bike.

Thanks for sharing! Keep fighting the good fight and posting updates. they help!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: S U C C E S S that is how you spell success :) 4 months post jump
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2020, 07:28:43 pm »
I promise all of you it will get better before you know it! Hang tough everyone!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.