Scary Symptoms Dissaciation? Visual, X & K

Hi there. Not sure where to post this, so will just start here.

My signiture might be wrong, will update ASAP...too struggling right now. I hope you all are doing well. I'm having some scary symptoms that I thought were from another Medication, but it's well out of my system, now. They started with that med, for sure, I thought, but I also started Xanax(In addition to my klonopin, at that time, switching out 1/2 of my klonopin for equal doses of Xanax)this past Dexember. (I've spoken to the doctor for the other med & my primary care about this. They didn't think it was the other med, nor my benzos. )

Then I thought, maybe I was having side effects from both the discontinued med as well as my benzos & just didn't realize it was partially the benzos causing side effects untill discontinuing other med. This could be anything-but maybe is a benzo combination & or withdrawal problem.

Does anyone take both klonopin & xanax? At the same time? Or any other benzos that you felt caused you these symptoms? Ever had any interactions? Like visual disturbances? Things don't look right(hard to explain-one example is liquids or anything reflective is extra sparkly or too shiny, it's harder to see the details of objects, sometimes faces look off-misshapen, like my dogs nose will look longer, or cheeks droopier, my face is sorta unrecognizable, although I look like me, it's off, not quite right, like I can't connect & sometimes the shape is a bit different, photos look like colors are extra vibrant & somtimes look a little air brushed/soft, sometimes look fake like an old movie set)Derealization? Dissaciation? Feeling disconnected emotionally from what's going on around me, like the world is going on without me, not always. That's the worst part. Bad short term memory. Blurry vision? I feel lke Im looking through like glaring glass at things, sometimes, sometimes it's like I'm looking through fog, sometimes it's clear, but people, places & things are distorted.Poor eye hand coordination?

I've been taking klonopin daily for ten years. I believe I'm tolerant to it & my manufacturer was discontinued & I had to switch which messed me up. I've taken both Xanax & klonopin before in the past, with no problems, but never dosed both at the same time-i.e. both at bed time. I took Xanax as needed during the day & klonopin at bed in past. Now I'm on both,(maybe not the wisest decision), as I was miserable for so long on klonopin & xanax is so much more effective, I switched for quality of life(not just mine, but my loved ones). Thought I'll continue taper & figure it out as I go along, keeping the longer half life of klonopin(& what my body is used to) in me, along with the effectiveness of Xanax. But now I'm wondering if these awful symptoms I'm having are from the combination of the 2 at bed. Taking .25 Xanax as needed during day, 1X at bed with 1.75 klonopin(tapered down from 2) @bed.(kpin cut to 1.625 5/16. Anyone ever have the strange side effects I mentioned above or know others on these 2 meds or with similar side effects? Sorry so long. I've never had any ongoing symptoms like this in my life. I posted more sxs on pg 3 & 5

 

Any thoughts or ideas on how to stabilize in my situation?

Switch everything over to valium or Librium?

Just keep cutting?

Chance going back to klonopin?

The Derealization is soo hard for me. Thanks

 

My symptoms

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=241311.msg3087140#msg3087140

Hi Scaredia,

These symptoms sound like withdrawal symptoms to me. I used to take both Xanax and Clonazepam for a while, 2 mg Clonazepam 1 mg Xanax, both morning time. Did not have any symptoms and my psychiatrist sad just to drop the 1 mg Xanax without taper, saying that the Xanax is doing nothing for me. I had no withdrawal symptoms when I cut the Xanax out.

My benzowithdrawal symptoms started when I developed tolerance to the dosage I was prescribed to take (after 8 years). Since I did not cut my dosage it took a while to figure it out that my body got used to my usual prescribed amount and wanted more, that brought on the withdrawal symptoms. It is called tolerance withdrawal, difficult concept to understand for many doctors unfortunately, and lots of people suffer from tolerance withdrawal thinking something is very wrong with them and visiting multiple doctors, receiving multiple alternative diagnosis.

Thanks so much for replying. To clarify, your saying that you had similar symptoms to what I've described, when you were in tolerance withdrawal from klonopin after being on it for 8 years?

If so, how did you function & cope?

I have all of that - literally all of it!

 

the liquids or sunlight on leaves or oil on food, water on my hands  etc being too ‘sparkly’ or glistening, even the inside of hell peepers glisten in a terrifying way it causes me terror like I will explode like many other visual and other sensory symptoms do.

Ppls faces being distorted, my face being distorted - it gets so bad ppl look demonic - their teeth go to big, anything with any detail terrifies me too - like trees, grass, plants etc- I get a sort of deep repulsion from it at the same time as the terror.

Ppls skin looks like it is made of latex - my body feels like it is and my visual & tactile senses are all jumbled up together.

Bright colours jump out at me and cause terror as do certain texture both to look at and to feel.

Food often looks rotten and I can’t tell if it is or not.

My own body looks wrong.

Everything is disconnected and unreal - I have it with all five senses even with bodily sensation and inside my mouth so food that causes me terror and repulsion to look at also feels wrong and repulsive  in my mouth.

I can’t visualise or feel my own body from inside myself - I am in terrible pain and can feel that but it is is also disconnected at the same time. M body feels like there is an e tra layer arou d it and that I can’t feel tough properly even though on Neuro exam have normal sensation.

My vision is all ver the place. Blurry, smeary, too sharp etc.

Also things jump out at me ultra 3D - esp from screens and if open app on iPad etc everything is at 1000 miles an hour.

 

Some of the visual and tactile dissociation got better when I have reinstated so I know Otis at least related to particular changes in Neuro chemistry.

 

I don’t have MS (at least last scans say not) but have had severe ME/CFS diagnosis for decades that causes a lot of neurological symptoms.

 

Basically you really accurately described a lot of my visual stuff but I have it all with my tactile sense as well and those two senses get muddled up so if I see SI wine touch their face it causes me to feel the visual disconnect as if it os related to my tactile disconnect.

 

I was on diazepam 20 years for spasm and thos all started for me in WD from that and then got worse on reinstement, then eased and got worse again as went lower then went up and down again and switched to Clonazepam and now in se ere WD tryi g to taper that and it is horrific.

 

So, I think it is WD.

 

Oh my gosh! Adjusta. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I hope you can find some relief soon. Yes, the 3D with the screens. The reflections-anything that reflects. I read your signiture. Are you saying this started when you cold turkeyed diazepam or while still on it? Well wishes to you. Hang in there.

I think it started after I got off completely after the rapid taper at end of 2017 but if I remember correctly those particular symptoms got worse after reinstated. But they are getting worse again now as trying to get off Clonazepam as fast as can because having horrific effects from dosing it now.

It might have initially have been made worse after Neuro prescribed Baclofen for severe dystonia that then had to get off of very quickly.

 

So is probably more WD that side effects I think but not sure. Could be both.

 

I wish I had never tried to get off 20 years of diazepam.

 

There is an interesting TED talk you might find useful.

The bit where they simulate an hallucination - the jumping out stiff for me is like that bit it is bits of the world not seeing stuff that is not there.

 

 

Does this stuff cause you terror like world is disintegrating and you are exploding?

 

Do you get the altered tactile stuff as well - objects too hard/soft, light/heavy etc.?

 

I see you tried LDN - what was that for? Any help? Any probs?

 

I now have nervous system sensitisation. Even paracetemol/Tylenol, baby asPutin supposed to take for chronic blood cancer, any muscle relaxants, pain meds, supplements cause terrible reaction and all cause the same symptoms whatever I take.

 

 

Thanks so much for replying. To clarify, your saying that you had similar symptoms to what I've described, when you were in tolerance withdrawal from klonopin after being on it for 8 years?

If so, how did you function & cope?

 

Scaredie,

To me your symptoms sounds like withdrawal symptoms. I developed similar symptoms when I was still on my prescribed dose of benzodiazepine Clonazepam 2 mg/ day, without making an attempt to reduce my dosage. That is the confusing part. How can you have withdrawal symptoms when you are not even withdrawing/tapering from your medication.

Clonazepam (klonopin) and alprazolam (Xanax) are both benzodiazepines and people who attempt to lower their benzodiazepine dosage or people who develop tolerance to their existing dosage might experience benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. Your described symptoms sound like withdrawal effects.

 

"To clarify, your saying that you had similar symptoms to what I've described, when you were in tolerance withdrawal from klonopin after being on it for 8 years?"

 

To answer your question yes, I had similar symptoms to what you have described. I am sorry that you experience all that.

 

How did I function?

Not well unfortunately. I have been sick ever since, first symptoms started September 1st 2019. Took 3 months to realize what is wrong with me after many doctor's visit and inconclusive medical tests. I was lucky enough to have a great boss who let me work from home for a while, because I was unable to go in due to my symptoms. I became house bound due to fear of everything, due to perceptual distortion, nausea, dizziness, head aches and so on. For a while I tried to take antihistamine (benadryl) to help me sleep/calm me down, did not help much. Also tried proplanolol (beta blocker) for palpitation, chest pain, and tremors. Did not work well either. What started to help, the gradual decrease of my clonazepam dosage.

I slept on the floor and lived on the floor (on a yoga mat), for some reason the tremors seem to be more tolerable on a hard surface as opposed to be sleeping in a bed, or sitting on a chair or recliner. I talk to my parents and friends about my symptoms and they are very supportive, that also helps me. Also, BenzoBuddies are a great support group of understanding people who are going through similar experiences due to the same reasons. It is nice to be able to find comfort here.

Thanks. Adjusta. Yes, that's what's so concerning about this, is I'm tapering, & I crossed over half of my klonopin to xanax, but not in any rapid full complete taper withdrawal..like you said, it could be combo of withdrawal & med interaction side effects.

 

Thanks for link, will give it a watch. But I'm not seeing stuff that isn't there. Just the things that are here are wrong, distorted.

 

No it's not causing me the terror like disintegration nor exploding. It causes me panic & great fear, that I don't know what's wrong with me, how long I'll be like this, & The feeling disconnected is the worst. But m still on high benzo dose daily.

 

No tactile for me.

 

The LDN was for MS inflammation & I was hoping it would help treatment resistant depression too, but it gave me insomnia & worsened my depression. I can't even remember how it's supposed to work, sorry. Works well for many different issues. There's a support group online somewhere for it.

 

So to hear about all of your suffering & the sensitization problems.

Ajusta,

I am so sorry for your struggles, I feel very much the same symptoms and it is so scary, surreal to see you describing it, like I am seeing it first hand. So upsetting, infuriating that we have to go through this. While I know that many people are able to quit benzodiazepine without serious withdrawal symptoms, there are a large chunk who suffers beyond imagination. We start talking about tolerating this symptoms like "oh it has been only 6 months, 8 months, 6 weeks etc." even an hour is too much. And here we are. I hope your symptoms will improve soon.

Sherpa,

Thanks for your kind, thorough, clear response.

Im so sorry to hear of your suffering.

I'm glad you can find comfort here & with your family. It is so scary.

Congratulations on completing your taper.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

Have you improved at all? Your head sounds very clear, if it's of any comfort.

Healing wishes to you

 

Scardie,

 

I don’t see stuff that is not there either (not yet anyway) but the ‘jumping out’ part of the simulation of an hallucination on that video is similar to what I get but with parts of reality that are there.

 

I know about LDN - ppl with ME in the US sometimes try it. Sorry ot didn’t work for you.

 

 

Thanks Sherpa.

 

These symptoms are horrific but worse for me is that my body is crushing g itself and as get lower again no position is bearable - I mean quite literally. I literally have no idea where to physically go because there is nowhere bearable.

All muscles and connective tissue has atrophied and what is left has turned to fibrotic gristle.

 

Made terrible mistake deciding to stop benzo.

Sherpa,

Thanks for your kind, thorough, clear response.

Im so sorry to hear of your suffering.

I'm glad you can find comfort here & with your family. It is so scary.

Congratulations on completing your taper.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

Have you improved at all? Your head sounds very clear, if it's of any comfort.

Healing wishes to you

 

 

Hello Scaredie,

Yes, I did improve, the tremor, muscle tension, nerve pain, head aches, some of the visual distortions but the depersonalization/derealization and fear is still bad. I could not go back to work into my work place, still cannot leave my house. But due to Covid 19 we are still allowed to work from home. Cognitively I have been functioning fairly well, but I am spacing out a lot, over analyzing, repetitive thinking, I feel like my brain is stuck. I feel lucky that I managed to maintain some clarity which helps to see myself and my symptoms more objectively whenever that is possible. I read a lot about benzodiazepines.

I hope you find a way to get better!

 

Hi Sherpa,

That's great to hear for you that some of your symptoms have resolved & that you have your cognition.

Your remaining symptoms, though, I know are distressing & hope they resolve ASAP.

Do you think my symptoms sound like depersonalization & Derealization, rather than Dissaciation?

Thanks for kind words.

 

Hello Adjusta,

Are you taking about things jumping out when they were showing dogs on people's bodies? Happening in your reality?

 

I don't understand the physical issues your having, so please forgive if is stupid to suggest, have you tried an epsom salt bath? Or just a warm bath for your muscle tightness?

 

Have you tried LDN?

 

Well wishes

Hi Sherpa,

That's great to hear for you that some of your symptoms have resolved & that you have your cognition.

Your remaining symptoms, though, I know are distressing & hope they resolve ASAP.

Do you think my symptoms sound like depersonalization & Derealization, rather than Dissaciation?

Thanks for kind words.

 

Hello Adjusta,

Are you taking about things jumping out when they were showing dogs on people's bodies? Happening in your reality?

 

I don't understand the physical issues your having, so please forgive if is stupid to suggest, have you tried an epsom salt bath? Or just a warm bath for your muscle tightness?

 

Have you tried LDN?

 

Well wishes

 

I think more likely depersonalization, derealization.

See quoted info below.

 

"There are three major dissociative disorders defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association:

 

Dissociative amnesia. The main symptom is memory loss that's more severe than normal forgetfulness and that can't be explained by a medical condition. You can't recall information about yourself or events and people in your life, especially from a traumatic time. Dissociative amnesia can be specific to events in a certain time, such as intense combat, or more rarely, can involve complete loss of memory about yourself. It may sometimes involve travel or confused wandering away from your life (dissociative fugue). An episode of amnesia usually occurs suddenly and may last minutes, hours, or rarely, months or years.

 

Dissociative identity disorder. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by "switching" to alternate identities. You may feel the presence of two or more people talking or living inside your head, and you may feel as though you're possessed by other identities. Each identity may have a unique name, personal history and characteristics, including obvious differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses. There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. People with dissociative identity disorder typically also have dissociative amnesia and often have dissociative fugue.

 

Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, time may be slowed down or sped up, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215

 

Below some articles, the first one is excellent, the second one is interesting also

 

Feeling Unreal: A Depersonalization Disorder Update of 117 Cases

Article in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 64(9):990-7 · October 2003 with 312 Reads

(sorry I don't have the link for the full text article only to the abstract, but you might get access through college or university library)

 

Depersonalization disorder

Sharon Reutensa, Olav Nielsenb and Perminder Sachdev

 

https://www.mm3admin.co.za/cms/cpd/articles/9d868618-8032-4296-abf4-32a8a9665139.pdf

Hi Sherpa,

That's great to hear for you that some of your symptoms have resolved & that you have your cognition.

Your remaining symptoms, though, I know are distressing & hope they resolve ASAP.

Do you think my symptoms sound like depersonalization & Derealization, rather than Dissaciation?

Thanks for kind words.

 

Hello Adjusta,

Are you taking about things jumping out when they were showing dogs on people's bodies? Happening in your reality?

 

I don't understand the physical issues your having, so please forgive if is stupid to suggest, have you tried an epsom salt bath? Or just a warm bath for your muscle tightness?

 

Have you tried LDN?

 

Well wishes

 

I think more likely depersonalization, derealization.

See quoted info below.

 

"There are three major dissociative disorders defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association:

 

Dissociative amnesia. The main symptom is memory loss that's more severe than normal forgetfulness and that can't be explained by a medical condition. You can't recall information about yourself or events and people in your life, especially from a traumatic time. Dissociative amnesia can be specific to events in a certain time, such as intense combat, or more rarely, can involve complete loss of memory about yourself. It may sometimes involve travel or confused wandering away from your life (dissociative fugue). An episode of amnesia usually occurs suddenly and may last minutes, hours, or rarely, months or years.

 

Dissociative identity disorder. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by "switching" to alternate identities. You may feel the presence of two or more people talking or living inside your head, and you may feel as though you're possessed by other identities. Each identity may have a unique name, personal history and characteristics, including obvious differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses. There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. People with dissociative identity disorder typically also have dissociative amnesia and often have dissociative fugue.

 

Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, time may be slowed down or sped up, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215

 

Below some articles, the first one is excellent, the second one is interesting also

 

Feeling Unreal: A Depersonalization Disorder Update of 117 Cases

Article in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 64(9):990-7 · October 2003 with 312 Reads

(sorry I don't have the link for the full text article only to the abstract, but you might get access through college or university library)

 

Depersonalization disorder

Sharon Reutensa, Olav Nielsenb and Perminder Sachdev

 

https://www.mm3admin.co.za/cms/cpd/articles/9d868618-8032-4296-abf4-32a8a9665139.pdf

Sherpa,

Thanks. I believe you are correct. Indeed.

Hi Sherpa,

That's great to hear for you that some of your symptoms have resolved & that you have your cognition.

Your remaining symptoms, though, I know are distressing & hope they resolve ASAP.

Do you think my symptoms sound like depersonalization & Derealization, rather than Dissaciation?

Thanks for kind words.

 

Hello Adjusta,

Are you taking about things jumping out when they were showing dogs on people's bodies? Happening in your reality?

 

I don't understand the physical issues your having, so please forgive if is stupid to suggest, have you tried an epsom salt bath? Or just a warm bath for your muscle tightness?

 

Have you tried LDN?

 

Well wishes

 

Yes, the dogs!

 

Bits of the world jump out at me in ultra 3D like that. So a texture on a jumper or a tree etc will jump out at me and cause terror and repulsion.

 

Muscles are completely rigid - like they have turned to hard fibrotic rubber. Can’t get in bath due to pain plus terror of look, sound, feel of water.

Use magnesium spray but doesn’t help.

Took methocarbamol as well as Benzos before WD and still had areas of rigidity.

Use magnesium spray but does nothing.

Good chart on DP. Not sure where it came from as someone put it up on FB originally.

 

Hi Sherpa,

That's great to hear for you that some of your symptoms have resolved & that you have your cognition.

Your remaining symptoms, though, I know are distressing & hope they resolve ASAP.

Do you think my symptoms sound like depersonalization & Derealization, rather than Dissaciation?

Thanks for kind words.

 

Hello Adjusta,

Are you taking about things jumping out when they were showing dogs on people's bodies? Happening in your reality?

 

I don't understand the physical issues your having, so please forgive if is stupid to suggest, have you tried an epsom salt bath? Or just a warm bath for your muscle tightness?

 

Have you tried LDN?

 

Well wishes

 

Yes, the dogs!

 

Bits of the world jump out at me in ultra 3D like that. So a texture on a jumper or a tree etc will jump out at me and cause terror and repulsion.

 

Muscles are completely rigid - like they have turned to hard fibrotic rubber. Can’t get in bath due to pain plus terror of look, sound, feel of water.

Use magnesium spray but doesn’t help.

Took methocarbamol as well as Benzos before WD and still had areas of rigidity.

Use magnesium spray but does nothing.

Oh my gosh! No wonder you're getting so frightened. I'm not having anything as extreme as that. That would frighten someone not in withdrawal. Goodness, you're strong. Hang on.

 

So sorry about your muscles & other symptoms. Have you ever tried a CBD cream, lotion, or oitment? It's pricey, but I use one that works quit well for my m's spasticity. Like I'll wake up with really bad spazticity in my foot or calf,not where I can't even walk. I hobble into the bathroom & rub it ll over where I need it, while half asleep, & climb back into bed & it usually settles fast. Let me know if you want the name. It's an ointment with a couple helpful essential oils in it.

 

Will try using some CBD oil externally in a carrier oil. Thanks. Can’t take it internally - makes the terror etc worse even one with no THC which is what we have in U.K.

 

I think your symptoms are WD and/or CNS disruption from cross over not interaction of the Benzos but could be wrong.

Holding for a few mnths might help or might not.

 

 

My vision is all over the place - blurry, smeary etc. Had to get new glasses. Sometimes Es they are ok sometimes not. Sometimes can hardly see to read.

It is a very common WD symptom.

 

BTW Neuro says all the up and down on drugs has caused CNS sensitisation which is why get horrible reactions to all meds now.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensitization

 

 

 

 

Will try using some CBD oil externally in a carrier oil. Thanks. Can’t take it internally - makes the terror etc worse even one with no THC which is what we have in U.K.

 

I think your symptoms are WD and/or CNS disruption from cross over not interaction of the Benzos but could be wrong.

Holding for a few mnths might help or might not.

 

 

My vision is all over the place - blurry, smeary etc. Had to get new glasses. Sometimes Es they are ok sometimes not. Sometimes can hardly see to read.

It is a very common WD symptom.

 

BTW Neuro says all the up and down on drugs has caused CNS sensitisation which is why get horrible reactions to all meds now.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensitization

Hi ajusta, your brain sure seems to be working well.

 

Your welcome. Hope the CBD helps. It's probably expensive, not sure, but I feel the essential oil in mine is part of what helps, too, but can't know for sure. It's frankincense & holy basil.

 

So appreciate your feedback on my sxs.

 

 

Ajusta,

 

What is the nervous system censituzation? Does that go away? What’s it from..benzo use?

I panicked & removed this. Adding it back for anyone that cares to read.

 

dissociation visual disturbances

Light is too bright, colors are more vivid, liquids or anything with a reflective surface are extra sparkling, too shiny, & or just doesn't look right, water so, times looks more like baby oil,sometimes it is harder to see the details of objects, as they are blurry or just seem distanced & sometimes things look more detailed, like in photos or on tv, they pop out at me & look a little bizarre or unreal, phone numbers & letter sometimes look very bold & sometimes look very skinny, & sometimes just seem to jump around too fast. I'm usually blurry in the mirror & it seems like I can't look myself straight in my eyes-like I'm standing there trying to, but it seems I'm off just a bit, dogs faces look misshapen, like their nose will look longer or the curves of their faces aren't right, depth perception seems off, sometimes my dogs hair looks blurred together & airbrushed(giving that cartoon effect)& sometimes it looks fluffy, textured & detailed, & sometimes they look blurry & far away, sometimes everything looks foggy & blurry, or like I'm looking through foggy glass, I don't feel like I can trust my sense of judgement visually, cognitively, nor emotionally(the emotional part is normal for depression, & anxiety, though)i.e. I can't always tell if something is wet or dry, or I can't quite make out visually what I'm seeing at first with some things, I don't recognize what they are right away like I normally would-like I have to look & think harder to figure it out-I'm not feeling fully aware of my surroundings, I.e. I may come close to accidentally stepping on my dogs foot, my judgement & cognitive reaction processing time is off/slower than on auto pilot as I normally would be, slow decision making, poor cognition, can't grasp complex subjects, poor short term memory off & on, sometimes simple cognitive tasks seem too difficult/overwhelming(I know part of that could be depression, but it's different than just that) it's like my brain & eyes are easily overwhelmed with too much stimuli. I'm having a dissociated & or disconnected feeling, where I feel like the world is just going on without me & I can't quite connect, like I'm on the inside looking out & it's a very sad & lonely & awful feeling & along with that is like there's a pause button, where I am either too fatigued, anxious, or unmotivated-it's hard to describe-but like a combination of those feeling with this there's a 'break on' 'feeling', restricting me from texting, calling, or reaching out to others in anyway, like a lack of dopamine effect, maybe. It's like I'm pretending to be ok, here in this world, for myself,S.O., dogs & loved ones, but I can't really feel the connection & feel I'm in a separate world that I can't break out of to be back in the world that I know is all around me-it's so hard to explain.

 

I'm posting journal entries that explain some of my symptoms more. TIA

 

Dissaciation/DO/DR/Visual/Cog Symptoms Journaled more detailed

 

blurry vision, can't tell what things are in fridge etc-ie can't see details, fb, still not right too bright, blending colors, pictures look a little unreal/distant/vivid-busy letters-no patience/cognition to read through posts

dogs look pretty clear, still hard to gage eye-hand-coordinations & like the strength & or quickness or slowness at which I'm petting the dogs, just visual & mental judgement is off-ok mood-bad cog fog-feel in a fog & like outside or inside compared to everyone else looking through at them, still separate by this weird invisible barrier, like I'm observing them from a separate world & cant really connect-.photos of dogs still have that airbrushed mild cartoon effect going on

4/21

The news looked airbrushed & soft the people don't look real, but they look real enough, I feel like I'm on the outside looking into the world that's on the news, big feeling of disconnect , when they showed flooded streets, the water didn't look right & had more depth & texture to it than it should, the talking on the news was too busy & loud  & stimulating for me, bathroom light was too bright this morning, like every morning since this started and like every morning since this started, I can't quite recognize myself in the mirror, it's like my eyes don't look into my eyes, I have to force it,I can't fully recognize & connect with myself , like, I know who I am, but I'm starting to sorta forget, the longer this goes on, so hard with depression

Hi,

 

I share some of these symptoms. Things are generally too bright and look out of focus. On a really sunny day although its bright things generally look better. When the sky is grey that’s when things don’t look real. I’m glad to say I’ve had windows where all this has disappeared. I had terrible night vision, everything looked way too dark in the day and I would see strange colours. Those symptoms have gone it’s normal and part of the shitty journey. I wear glasses with non prescription lenses. I find that it kind of smooths things over and makes me feel more comfortable. My cog fog comes and goes but sometimes It’s such a struggle to remember! My DP/DR has improved. Hang in there you will totally get back to normal.

 

Matt 

Hi,

 

I share some of these symptoms. Things are generally too bright and look out of focus. On a really sunny day although its bright things generally look better. When the sky is grey that’s when things don’t look real. I’m glad to say I’ve had windows where all this has disappeared. I had terrible night vision, everything looked way too dark in the day and I would see strange colours. Those symptoms have gone it’s normal and part of the shitty journey. I wear glasses with non prescription lenses. I find that it kind of smooths things over and makes me feel more comfortable. My cog fog comes and goes but sometimes It’s such a struggle to remember! My DP/DR has improved. Hang in there you will totally get back to normal.

 

Matt 

 

Thanks Matt! I am really going through some weird stuff too, weird things like tunnel vision, DP/DR, early hallucinatory sounds and stuff, I thought I saw an image of myself across the room and blinked and it was gone; my hands looked like they were turning into animal claws. I noticed though that these get much worse with each Kpin dose and sort of fade away a little after I've not had the dose. This is confirmatory that this is all withdrawal, that my mind underneath is deep down otherwise intact, but I really do hope it waxes and wanes after a while. I'm in the middle of planning to discontinue Kpin and am talking to docs about what else to try.

 

Sherpa,

Thanks for your kind, thorough, clear response.

Im so sorry to hear of your suffering.

I'm glad you can find comfort here & with your family. It is so scary.

Congratulations on completing your taper.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

Have you improved at all? Your head sounds very clear, if it's of any comfort.

Healing wishes to you

 

 

Hello Scaredie,

Yes, I did improve, the tremor, muscle tension, nerve pain, head aches, some of the visual distortions but the depersonalization/derealization and fear is still bad. I could not go back to work into my work place, still cannot leave my house. But due to Covid 19 we are still allowed to work from home. Cognitively I have been functioning fairly well, but I am spacing out a lot, over analyzing, repetitive thinking, I feel like my brain is stuck. I feel lucky that I managed to maintain some clarity which helps to see myself and my symptoms more objectively whenever that is possible. I read a lot about benzodiazepines.

I hope you find a way to get better!

 

 

Sherpa I think I saw you comment on another thread about this, but I am glad to know tolerance can cause this and that I'm not the only one. I had to quit my job. Hope to someday work again. I so far can still write fairly well. I am not able to slowly taper off the Kpin and am looking into "plan B" (life without Kpin); I can deny it all I want, but as much as getting off Kpin sucks, a slow taper just isn't something my body can handle with this med, with these symptoms; your saying your reductions have also reduced symptoms reinforces that sometimes it's the med, not just the withdrawal, that's the problem. I will keep folks updated about what I do from here.