After 15 years on Benzos - I am Healed and Back to Life

I almost in shock that I am sitting here writing this success story today. I went through SO MUCH on Benzos and there were days that I did not think I would make it through. I always believed that there would be an end to this ... I just wasn't sure how much longer I could hang on a times. But here I am, after more than 15 years on benzos and after crawling through what can only be described as hell on earth, I can say I am healed and if I can heal, you will too. Hang in there friends, life is beautiful on the other side and its worth fighting for it with everything you have.

 

I will try and frame this story as others have. How it was, how it changed and how things are now. Im sure this will be a long story, but I want to give you a sense of hope and I want document this journey for myself as well, because Im damn proud of making this through this.  This DOES END. Don't give up, don't give in, don't let this poison beat you. One foot in front of the other, one day at time, you can beat this beast.

 

How it all started:

To be honest, I don't know exactly how I was first prescribed Benzos. I was young, around 22 years old. I was in University, the first person in my family to go to college and I was on scholarship. I was also a young mother to an infant. I had recently separated from my child's father and was alone in a city far from home with no family, only a handful of friends that stuck around after I became a mom, and very little money. I was under extreme stress trying to manage a baby that had colic and health issues on my own, trying to maintain good enough grades to maintain my scholarship and my housing. I was beyond stressed. I think my doctor prescribed Benzos around this time for sleep and anxiety. They worked for sleep, like magic. I was prescribed .5 of Klonopin and I took them as prescribed. I would just take them once in a while and these pills were not an issue for me until much later in life. I took them for years on a once in a while basis and then at some point in my late twenties I stated taking them daily. Still taking as prescribed, I never increased my dose, life moved on. I had graduated from college, was raising an amazing son (still on my own) and had built a very successful career for myself.

 

Now I want to be fully transparent and honest because that is part of this healing journey. I want to acknowledge my role in this Benzo disaster. I had a few years in my late twenties where I started partying a lot. I was drinking A LOT, experimenting with drugs once in a while, and I would take Benzos to cure my hangover or the come down from drugs.  I would share them with friends. I would take 2 pills on one day and then just skip the dose the next day. I assumed if I was staying within my monthly prescription, all was fine. I never doctor shopped, I never bought pills illegally. Although this period was only a few years off my 15+ year Benzo journey, I think this is where things probably started to change with Benzos and me.

 

I came to my senses, stopped the partying and drugging and moved on with life. My career continued to advance and by my late twenties / early thirties I was in an an executive position at a global company and from all outward appearances life looked good. I was a success. I had "made it." The young single mom who made it through University on scholarships and food stamps had actually made something of herself. HOWEVER I was stressed beyond belief. I wasn't sleeping, I was unraveling on the inside and started to feel like I was going crazy. I was trying my best to keep things together and just thought perhaps I was mentally ill or that I was overly stressed from work (which I was). I started drinking a lot again. In retrospect I think I was in tolerance withdrawal and I didn't know I, so I think I was drinking to manage the interdose withdrawal and the crazy feelings I was having from the Benzos. My doctor NEVER warned of any possible side effects. He said I was on such a low dose and that because I didn't show any addictive tendencies and didn't increase my dose in all these years, that all was fine. He spent about 5 minutes with me at each appointment, filled my script and sent me on my way.

 

The Great Unraveling

In my early thirties I start feeling absolutely insane and like I can barely keep things together. I decide, maybe its my drinking so I quite drinking. 3 or 4 months after quitting drinking Im still feeling crazy. I can't sleep, Im having panic attacks, I feel TERROR of anything and everything, Im struggling at work.  Im hiding in the bathroom stalls at work and hysterically crying thinking WTF Is going on?! I thought I was losing my mind. So at this point the only thing in my body is the Benzos and this is when things start to click. It must be these F'ing pills!!!! So I make up my mind to get off the Benzos. I talk to my doctor and he said "no problem!" you're on such a low dose, this shouldn't take long. He told me to break the pills in half and essentially "taper" within a week, I did this and I think I made it to about a month off and I'll never forget literally falling to my knees in my bathroom hysterically crying and not knowing what was going on. I can't even describe to you how I was feeling other than I wanted to die and I was out of my mind and I was terrififed. I could NOT sleep. All the while Im trying to run a global division of an international company, responsible for millions of dollars and trying to act "normal" in front of my coworkers and at home with my son. I thought I must be going crazy. I would sit at my desk with tears streaming down my face unable to stop it. I started taking the Benzos again, every other day. I didn't know anything about Benzos, about the withdrawal, tapering, the Ashton manual, my doctor was NO HELP. He could care less. He said there's no way such a small dose of benzos could make you feel this way and its out of your system in a few days.

 

Somehow I found an addiction psychiatrist who had experience helping people get off benzos. He was $350.00 per session. I didn't care. I was determined to get off these pills and get my life back. This man saved my life. I say that with no exaggeration. I would not be here today if I had not walked into that office. He described what I was going through, he told me about the difference between addiction and physical dependence, he told me about the dangers of these drugs and how they are prescribed incorrectly. He told me I was in for a long hard road, but he assured me that it was possible to heal. He used a compound pharmacy and created a taper plan for me. I don't know the exacts of it because I didn't log it. I didn't know Benzo Buddies at this time or the Ashton manual until the doctor told me about it. I put all my trust in this doctor and I started off on my tapering journey.

 

It took me 8 months to taper off the Benzos. It was probably the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life. I don't think I ever really stabilized throughout the taper but the real hell unleashed when I went below .25.  I would have windows and waves throughout but the torture that ensued I cannot being to describe. You all know it, all too well so I won't spend too much time going through the details. I could not sleep, the insomnia was torture. I couldn't string together a sentence at times. I felt TERROR unlike anything Ive ever experienced. As someone on this site described, I felt like I was in a cage with an invisible tiger. Thats the perfect analogy for how I felt, all the time.  I couldn't take the pressure of work. I quit my job with no notice after almost 10 years (this is completely out of character for me). I ended up in the ER where they treated me like a drug addict and they threatened to have me forcefully committed to a mental hospital until my mother was able to get ahold of my doctor who explained to the ER doc what I was going through and convinced them not to do that. I know Im not supposed to talk about this so I hope the administrators don't delete my post/comment, but I have to say it because so many of us experience this symptom and it needs to be talked about. I battled with ideation throughout and it is the cruelest symptom. I didn't want to live anymore. The depression was crushing. I had a half hearted attempt at ending things. If I didn't have my son I don't think I would be here today. I mean that sincerely. I battled to stay alive because he needs me. And so I kept on. Living alone as a single parent through this ordeal was the loneliest, scariest experience of my life. I wouldn't wish those dark nights on my worst enemy.

 

The taper was beyond terrible. There is literally no one on the face of this earth who deserves the pain and torture that is Benzo withdrawal.  The psychiatrist said I had the hardest taper he has ever seen. he had never experienced a patient who had such extreme symptoms.  But I did it. After 8 months the taper was over. And while I don't want to say I felt better, I felt relieved and proud of myself. After ~15 years on benzos I was benzo free. Oh,  I should mention that the last 2 months of the taper, I took gabapentin. I do think it helped me. I quickly tapered off the gabapentin at month 2 during acute and I don't think I had any major issues from the gabapentin. Its hard to tell, I was in acute so who knows what was what at that point. The psychiatrist offered anti depressants and I declined. I just couldn't risk anymore pills ever again. I know we are all different and we all have to do what's best for us individually, but for me, I was glad to not have anymore pills in my system. If I was feeling a certain way, I didn't have to wonder if it was a side effect from something else. I knew it was Benzo withdrawal and that it would eventually go away. This is what I told myself. The psychiatrist allowed me be to be in the drivers seat of my healing. If I needed to pause during the taper, we did, If I wanted to slow down, we did. If I didn't want to take antidepressants, that was fine. Im telling you, this man saved my life and while there are many terrible and uncaring doctors out there, there are also angels in white coats, and I was lucky enough to find one of them.

 

My Journey to Healing

My taper was so hard, particularly towards the end, that the acute phase was basically just more of the same torture. I basically went through the same terrible feelings and symptoms I described above for the next 9-12 months. I lost 30 pounds and I am a pretty petite person naturally. I had waves and windows throughout. The psychiatrist described the benzo healing pattern as somewhat of a sawtooth. Its lots of ups and downs and eventually, with time, the good days get longer and the bad days get shorter and eventually the good days start to outnumber the bad days and eventually the bad days start to melt away. And this is exactly how it was for me. The windows would give me hope of what was possible and then they would slam shut and I would be in a tortuous wave. It was a maddening healing pattern but I just kept going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And slowly, VERY SLOWLY, life became livable again. I didn't have many physical symptoms, mine were 98% mental. There is not a one size fits all, there is not a "cure." If there was, there wouldn't be a need for this site. I will list what helped me through this process in hopes that you can find something that helps you too.

 

1. Exercise - I am convinced exercise 100% saved my life. I would try and do something every day. I belong to a yoga gym and I would go every day, even if I felt crazy. There were times I cried on my mat in the back of the class and just laid there. People have more compassion that we often give them credit for. getting my endorphins going helped a lot, it gave ne a reason to get out bed and to practice socializing even if its just saying hello. After so many months of isolation and loss of a social life, the smallest sense of community helped me immensely.

 

2. A break from work - I was on disability and unable to work for 8 months or so. I think if you can and are able to work, you probably should. A schedule and routine is helpful. But for me, I literally couldn't. I could not function at the level required to do my job and it was not fair to the company and the stress was not helpful to my healing. I think the time to focus 100% on my healing, for me, was invaluable.

 

3. Found a benzo buddy friend - I didnt know about benzos buddies until I was in month 2 of acute. And while there is a lot of helpful information here and I think Collin and his team should win a Nobel prize for their work here (I'm sure countless lives have been saved by this site) for me, being on this site was too triggering and not helpful. The infighting and bickering and focus on symptoms for me, was just not helpful. After I was able to confirm that my symptoms were real, I was not in fact going insane, and that countless people had indeed healed through success stories, I dint need to be on this site anymore. I exchanged number with someone from this site and him and I texted every day for months. We still text most every day. Even though we have never seen each other or even spoken on the phone, he helped me through some of my darkest days and he will be my friend for life. You know who you are, and I thank God for you. You helped save my life. I mean that. We are both doing well these days and its a true blessing.

 

4. An experienced doctor - A doctor who acknowledges that what you are going through is real, who treats you as a human being worth their time, who acknowledges that no, you are not a drug addict and you can get through this, was instrumental in my healing. I thank God for this man every day and he was well worth every penny.

 

5. Family - even though they can't understand what you are going through and may think you are a little crazy, most family loves you unconditionally and just wants you to be well and healthy. I lost most of my friends and all of my romantic relationships through this, but my family stuck by me and I needed them more than they will ever know.

 

6. No alcohol - I didn't drink at all through my taper and had a few glasses of wine during the last 14 months of my healing. Everyone has their own opinion, I think not drinking or limiting drinking is helpful as it acts on the same receptors in your brain as benzos.

 

7. CBD / mild THC - I took CBD and THC to help with sleep, and for me, it did. It's legal here in CA and my doctor recommended that I try it. It helped me. You have to be careful because THC can enhance anxiety. Im not using either anymore but I think it helped me during some tough times.

 

8. The garden - I don't know why but I found being outside in the garden, hands in the soil, nurturing and watching seeds grow into seedling, then into plants, then edible food, to be extremely therapeutic.

 

9. TV, movies and books - There were days I literally couldn't get up, couldn't move, couldn't shower. Watching tv and movies and reading helped me pass the time and escape reality, albeit briefly.

 

10. Time - As most people say on here, time is the ultimate healer. Slowly things just start to get better, but its not linear, at least it wasn't for me. I would take 2 steps forward then 10 steps back. It was mind boggling and frustrating at times, discouraging. Around the 8 month mark and the 12 month mark is where I found notable improvements in my healing journey.

 

11. Mindset - I think you have to have a mind set focused on healing. I had to keep telling myself that I would get better. I created mantras for myself, and my benzo buddy friend was also focused on healing and getting back to life. Time is the ultimate healer but you must be an active participant in your healing. Surround yourself with positivity as much as possible.

 

12. Volunteering - It was hard not not having a schedule and job at times. Volunteering was a great way to slowly to get back into the rhythm of life, to be around other people, to find purpose again.  Also when you see other people who are also struggling, you realize we are all battling our own demons and challenges in life. Its good to help others and get out of the "poor me" mentality. There are people out there with no food, no shelter, and who will never have their mental faculties in tact. We are lucky. Benzo withdrawal is temporary. I 100% believe that it does not last forever. It just takes some of us longer than others.

 

13. Bubble baths and candles - they helped me feel calm and create a cozy atmosphere. I was basically in my house for a year and I tried to make it as conformable as possible.

 

14. The Calm app - I can't overemphasize how powerful this little app is. The sleep stories and guided mediations helped me through the torturous sleepless nights and panic episodes. I still use this app daily and it will remain a part of my life. 

 

 

As of today its been about 14 or 15 months benzo free give or take (I didn't document any part of this journey although I wish I had in retrospect). Ive been functional for a few months now and the past 2 months I feel completely healed. Of course we all have good days and bad days but I can tell that the benzo nightmare is over. I am healed. I don't know how to describe it, you can just feel it. It's done. And I can't believe I can say that, I thank God that I made it. I pray that more awareness comes to this issue because no one deserves to go through this. That Lisa Ling documentary still haunts me. That poor young man who ended his own life, I think about him often. I will always remember his face and his agony. That could have been me. I just lucked out and found the right doctor and how unfair is that? I don't understand how informed consent is still not required. The pharmaceutical industry has a lot of death and destruction on their hands. I pray that people like Jordan Perterson can shine the light on this problem. It breaks my heart to see the prescribing of anti anxiety medication is up 30% since the start of the pandemic. These poor people have no idea what they are in for, because there is no requirement to warn them and most doctors don't.

 

I have been back to work for a few months now. I found a new job. I was recently accepted to graduate school. There were so many months where I thought I would be homeless, unemployed and committed to a mental facility or worse, and none of that happened. I made it through. Now Im working on picking up the pieces. For years I was in tolerance without knowing what was going on, an 8 month taper from hell and a year of the ups and downs of healing. It's like someone took a spoon and scooped out my insides. I'm trying to figure out who this new me is, I lost a lot through this.  My career, my friends, my relationships, my sense of self, my confidence,  a substantial amount of my life savings. But Ive gained a lot too. I know Im stronger than most people (all benzo survivors are), that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Even in the face of a global pandemic and economic destruction most of us can't even fathom, Im not afraid, because nothing (other than losing someone dear perhaps) can be worse than what we went through. NOTHING. As long as we have our sanity and a clear mind, there is nothing that we cannot do. I believe that. Wholeheartedly.

 

Don't give up. Don't give in. I didn't even go into all the torture I experienced because you all know what its like. Theres no point in focusing on the bad stuff anymore. I survived and Im a better person because of this. Im more compassionate. Ive learned to be kinder to people, you never know what other people may be going through. Life is hard and we should all try and be kinder to one another. I will monitor this post for a week or so and do my best to answer any questions and then I will be closing the chapter on this period of my life. Onwards and upwards my friends. You are not alone and you are stronger than you know. Life is beautiful on the other side.

 

Ever Hopeful Quest

Ever Hopeful Quest,

 

Your story gave me chills and goosebumps, you speak so honestly about what happened to you.

 

All I can say is yes, you are a warrior, a benzo hero and you deserve all the good things life will bring to you.

 

I'm also thrilled that you found such a kind and caring doctor, someone who really understands about the ramifications of long term benzo use.

 

You made it!! Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story, the story of your journey to wellness.

 

pianogirl 

Hello Ever Hopeful Quest,

 

Thank you for writing your success story, they're important to so many who visit the forum.  And thank you for outlining your journey so thoroughly and methodically including what you found helpful, this will help and give hope to many.  I'm very happy you've joined the ranks of the recovered.

 

Pamster

Thank you Piano Girl for all that you do on this site! You are saving lives and giving hope to many. This does end!

 

Ever Hopeful Quest,

 

Your story gave me chills and goosebumps, you speak so honestly about what happened to you.

 

All I can say is yes, you are a warrior, a benzo hero and you deserve all the good things life will bring to you.

 

I'm also thrilled that you found such a kind and caring doctor, someone who really understands about the ramifications of long term benzo use.

 

You made it!! Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story, the story of your journey to wellness.

 

pianogirl 

Thank you Pamster. I only wish there was more that I could do. But on those dark days a little hope goes a long way!

 

Hello Ever Hopeful Quest,

 

Thank you for writing your success story, they're important to so many who visit the forum.  And thank you for outlining your journey so thoroughly and methodically including what you found helpful, this will help and give hope to many.  I'm very happy you've joined the ranks of the recovered.

 

Pamster

One of the all time great success stories . What a warrior you are , this gives others hope and to never give up , enjoy your new life !

Ever Hopeful Quest,

 

Wow, just wow!  What a harrowing journey you took and you made it!  I'm just blown away by your strength and courage but also by the generosity you display in telling your story so fully and thoughtfully.  it's such a gift to everyone here.  Members will find so much encouragement and inspiration in your Success Story. Thank you so much.

 

Wishing you much joy,

Brighterday

Dear Hopeful,

 

I am 13 months benzo free and your story aligns with mine taper and the first few months post jump. However, my post jump was difficult for the first 5 months but I done think as difficult as yours. I do align with much of you describe, it was hard, very hard! I too would use your list of things that helped you with just a few differences. We are all different.

 

These stories give people HOPE! Thank you. And your story of your difficulties help others, they can know they are not alone and it sort of vindicates their story.

 

I too need to write my story. I only wish I could put words on the page as well as you. I continue to struggle with focus, my cognitive abilities are still impaired but improving.

 

Keep writing about your story, others need to hear they too can succeed!

 

God Bless you and all that are still suffering from these evil drugs.

J

Thank you for sharing such a raw & honest success story! Congratulations on your new life and I wish you continued health and happiness! 😀🙏💕💕

EHQ,

So happy for your healing! From someone who was in a similar place, I know how hard the journey was. So glad you made it and wrote about it! Never underestimate the value of a good word. Your story will resonate and help others....prayers to you for continued hope on your path!

 

B strong ❤

Goes to show how important support can be , must have been a godsend to have a doctor that understood and a buddy who was going through the same thing .

Thank you for this encouraging post. I want to ask you if you had any cog fog and if so when did you see this go away? I am two months off and I feel a lot better except the cog fog, fatigue, dr, and vivid dreams.

Congratulations...you are so right...life is beautiful on the "other side" and living normally again.  Please enjoy it to the fullest.  You deserve it! 

Yes I definitely had COG fog. I can't pinpoint exactly when it went away, but it was one of my longest lingering symptoms. Eventually it just slowly got better. I notice sleep was a big factor, it I didn't sleep well that seemed to trigger it for me. It sounds like you are doing well at 2-months off! Congratulations! Thats amazing. I think vivid dreams are a good sign! I didn't have vivid dreams while on Benzos but they started to come back when they were out of my system. I wish you a quick recovery! 

 

Thank you for this encouraging post. I want to ask you if you had any cog fog and if so when did you see this go away? I am two months off and I feel a lot better except the cog fog, fatigue, dr, and vivid dreams.

Hi EHQ!!  Your story encourages me!!  I am another victim of those docs that for years told me 0.5mg Clonazepam is a very low dose… 9+ years thinking that was correct. I´m very happy you could do it!!! Thank you for sharing it to all of us!  We need it to stand this difficult journey!

 

You CAN do it Leo! Its hard but its possible and its SO WORTH it in the end. You will get your life back my friend. Keep fighting!

 

Hi EHQ!!  Your story encourages me!!  I am another victim of those docs that for years told me 0.5mg Clonazepam is a very low dose… 9+ years thinking that was correct. I´m very happy you could do it!!! Thank you for sharing it to all of us!  We need it to stand this difficult journey!

My friend.

 

I have been anticipating this story from you and I am so glad you were able to write it. Thank you. May your future be bright and filled with opportunities, love, and all good things.

Warrior!

 

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your support throughout this past year. It meant so much to have someone to have your support and encouragement. A beautiful journey awaits all of us. A newfound appreciation for life is what we find on the other side of this madness. Sending you peace and healing 

 

My friend.

 

I have been anticipating this story from you and I am so glad you were able to write it. Thank you. May your future be bright and filled with opportunities, love, and all good things.

Quest,  I too have been waiting to read your story.  I knew you were well on your way to full healing.  You worked hard and refused to give up in your darkest times.  You are an inspiration.  Thanks for giving your story to others.  Dove

Ever Hopeful Quest - Would you tell me how one usually ends up with a Buddie here to guide them, or at least how you ended up with one?  I still have to create my signature with my history, so I'm sure that would be one step in the right direction.  But, what else?

 

Congratulations on working hard for a life free of these drugs!  Thank you so much for writing your success story.  It is a true inspiration and very well written.  You have my sincere appreciation.

I am so happy for you! 

DoveLuv, you were my greatest support in my earliest days here on the site. Your positivity and encouragement kept me going in my darkest times! I hope you are feeling well and back to life too! Sending much love and gratitude your way!

 

Quest,  I too have been waiting to read your story.  I knew you were well on your way to full healing.  You worked hard and refused to give up in your darkest times.  You are an inspiration.  Thanks for giving your story to others.  Dove

GoforIt

 

I don't know exactly how I found buddy to be honest. I tried to gravitate towards people who were positive and focused on healing and to only surround myself with positive people. All I can say is that you will find someone you just "click" with, whether you find that person here on the site or out in the real world. We all need support in life!

 

Ever Hopeful Quest - Would you tell me how one usually ends up with a Buddie here to guide them, or at least how you ended up with one?  I still have to create my signature with my history, so I'm sure that would be one step in the right direction.  But, what else?

 

Congratulations on working hard for a life free of these drugs!  Thank you so much for writing your success story.  It is a true inspiration and very well written.  You have my sincere appreciation.

EHQ,

 

I think you just wrote the model for 'success stories', WOW.  You covered every aspect of the journey in vivid detail and I think this story should be pinned to the top of the success section as a recommended read.

 

So much of what you wrote resonated with me.  I was very hard charging in my 20s which led to a monster panic attack and then the slow decline into benzo use.  This was also the era of 'the chemical imbalance theory' and SSRIs or Benzos to cure anxiety and depression, and I bought this story hook line and sinker.  Of course the benzo 'fixed' me so I didn't need to change my behaviors, so I continued to party hard, drink alcohol and caffeine, eat junk food, etc. 

 

Last April I decided it was time for a change, and like you, I first quit alcohol and then a few months later quit the benzos.  In hindsight I think the combination of quitting both in close order is part of the reason I'm still struggling through this 9 months later.  I was only using benzos 'as needed' over the last couple years, but some of those occasions were certainly to stave off the 'hangziety' after a night of drinking.  Pretty stupid in hindsight, but I was also told that 0.25 - 1mg of Ativan or Lorazepam was a 'small dose' so no need to worry right?

 

I have heard others speak of 'knowing' that healing was coming, I can only imagine how glorious that feeling must be.  I think that must give a huge shot of confidence to continue and see the process through.  I also have a couple Buddy survivors who have been willing to offer support and that has been invaluable.

 

Thank you for taking the time to return and share your story, and also, congratulations on 1 year benzo free!

 

Cheers,

          RR

Congrats! This is a great story. What sort of taper did you do? Dry cut? Liquid? Compounded pharmacy doses? It is great that you found a doc who supported you and let you control the rate of taper.