Made it two months!

I can't believe I made it this far.  The first two weeks after jumping were dark days and I struggled just to make it through the day.  But I kept pushing ahead and the days became weeks and became months.  Now two months out, I cannot believe how much better I feel. 

 

Oh sure, I still have symptoms.  But they are now at a 2 or 3, where during the first two weeks they were a solid 10.  The most prevalent symptoms are night sweats and a burning sensation on my arms and in my ears.  Tinnitus is also present sometimes.  I still have some trouble falling asleep, but once asleep I stay asleep for a longer time.  I had one nightmare over the past month, but it was mild and I was able to fall right back asleep.  Previously, I would have been up all night thinking I was dying. 

 

So the symptoms come and go, but they are much weaker.  The are friendly foes to me now.  I accept them and know that I am healing. 

 

But the most positive thing is that I can feel happiness and joy.  I haven't felt these in so long.  I am starting to get more energy and the mental fog has lifted.  But I have to be careful here.  It is easy to push yourself too far with your newfound energy and clarity.  I have to remember to take it easy, otherwise the waves will roll in. 

 

If I look back, I think what helped me most was that I planned my jump and was ready for life without benzos.  It seems many people put so much time into planning their taper, when they really should be planning their jump.  Tapering down lower may have reduced some of my physical symptoms, but i doubt it would have helped much.  The first few weeks are going to be hell.  You have to be ready for it.

 

I knew that i wanted to jump in winter, since the cold weather and early darkness makes it easier for sleep.  Also, I knew that it had to be after the holidays, before work and other things picked back up. 

 

More importantly, I had done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) during the previous year before I tapered and so I already had strategies and tools in place to help me cope with my anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.  If you haven't dealt with what led you to benzos in the first place, then you will have difficulties adjusting to life without benzos. 

 

CBT is not for everyone and a big part of it is finding the right therapist (I went through 3 before finding the right one.).  If people are interested, I can discuss what I did in CBT in another post. 

 

For those reading this who havent begun their journey, you already have a head start.  I did not discover this forum until after I jumped.  You can do it, and you will not believe how much better you will feel in a couple of months.  Just being free of the drugs makes you feel so much better.  It's a long journey, but a doable one, and you do not have to do everything by the book in order to be successful.  I send you all the best wishes for your success.  Finally, thank you to all those who posted success stories, they really helped keep me going during those dark days.

there is so much wisdom this post! I didn't have a long taper journey like i should have...but I like how you mention planning your jump - how its equally important as planning the taper - it makes so much sense. I totally agree with having coping tools in place before this process! It so essential. I don't know how I'd be handling this if I didn't already have them - and even still I need to be reminded of them!

 

Your posts are always very optimistic and encouraging, while being honest about how you're doing.

 

Happy for you!

Thanks Trina.  I have only become positive and optimistic after being off the benzos for awhile.  With a calm mind, it is easier to see good things.  Finding the positive in a situation was also an exercise my therapist gave me.

 

When you are very down, start listing all the good things that have happened to you so far.  For today I can say:

 

Slept reasonably well

Woke up next to my wife and she kissed me this morning

Happy to be off benzos

Had a nice breakfast and cappuccino.

Did some exercise

Able to work from home

Etc..

 

My wife asked me the other day. “When did you become an optimist.”

Awesome post...so happy to see that you’re doing well so early.

Thanks Challis!

 

I have some bad days, but it’s manageable.  You could put a candy dish of Ativan next to my bed and I wouldn’t be tempted to take one.  No way I want Tōgō thru hell again!

 

So the symptoms come and go, but they are much weaker.  They are friendly foes to me now.  I accept them and know that I am healing.

 

“friendly foes”  I LOVE this.  Congratulations!!  And thank you for an inspirational story.

This brought me to tears. I’m so happy for you.

I jumped 17 days ago after a long slow micro taper and never imagined what was about to hit me. It has been the most brutal suffering I’ve felt in my life. Every day I’ve thought about getting back on or taking an AD. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far. I have noticed some things are better but I’m still suffering pretty bad. Do you remember what day it was when you felt like things weren’t a 10 Anymore? How many days post jump was it when u woke up and thought “The worst is over, I got this!” - I’m hoping it’s not too far for me. I slept 12 hours last night after barely sleeping at all since I’ve jumped. That’s hopefully a good sign.

Congrats again!

CMZ18

 

Congratulations to you on 17 days, that is an amazing accomplishment.  The first two weeks were hell for me, after about four weeks I did not crave the Ativan anymore.  By one month I could see the changes.  A calmer mind, actually feeling happy and looking forward to the day ahead. 

 

The fact that you are getting some sleep is a good sign and means you are healing. Last night I felt unmotivated, that burning feeling came back and I got worried that I was in for a sleepless night.  So I took some deep breathes, made some chamomile tea and read something light.  I still was worried I wouldn’t sleep so I took a Tylenol PM.  No nightmares but I woke up a bit depressed and the burning was back.  I forced myself to get up and do some light exercises and I’m feeling a bit better.  I will soak in the tub later.

 

The key is having a plan in place for when the symptoms crop up. 

 

Just think, you did all this during theses difficult times.  And you did it without turning to benzos!  That’s real strength.  You’ve come so far, keep at it and soon you will be writing your own success story.

so much positivity! way to go on winning the war! 🦋

YES!

 

People should write more success stories! Each day you are benzo or med free IS a victory. No matter what has been, no matter what is right now, no matter what will be - this is victory!

 

Celebrating and focussing on the progress, even the very very little one, has helped me a lot in early withdrawal. It has actually become a life mantra for me

 

Well done

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the thoughts.

 

Yesterday I had a bad day.  Lots of burning sensations and I was unmotivated didn’t sleep much last night.  But I know how to handle it and today I feel good again. 

RShack, thank you so much for your success story.  Way to go!  I am on Day #2 after jumping and reading your uplifting story was so encouraging.  No, it isn't easy but just knowing others do it gives me hope!

 

Kate 

Congratulations Kate!  Can’t wait to read your success story.

 

 

RShack-

 

Congratulations on two months! 

 

Wishing you much continued healing!

 

Brighterday 

Thank you!  I’m feeling pretty good today.  I actually slept a full night without taking any sleep aids!

 

 

Three month update: (Wow, has it been three months already?)

 

So much has changed in three months.  I still remember those early weeks after jumping.  Unable to function, couldn't sleep.  Depressed, anxious and angry. 

 

I'm glad to see steady progress.  Now when the waves hit, the symptoms seem to come and go much more quickly and when they do hit, they are much less intense.

 

Sleep has improved greatly.  I can now fall asleep on most nights without taking any melatonin, Tylenol PM, or Bennadryl.  When I do wake up, I am able to get back to sleep.  Most days I actually wake up feeling refreshed.  I had a string of nights where I was having nightmares, but these were less intense and I was able to go back to sleep.  I believe these were related to work stress as I have been working a lot of hours.  I have had two days off since the covid crisis began.  (I work for a communications service provider and am considered essential as we manage the communications systems for several major hospitals.  Also have been working on providing internet services for low income children so they can attend school remotely.) 

 

My worst symptoms:  tinnitus, burning sensation, stiff muscles joints, mental fogginess, lack of motivation.  But all are much less in intensity than before.

 

What I am working on:  Getting my strength back.  Hiking and walking are my favorite activities.  I do a 15min flexibility workout most mornings.  Anything more than that is difficult as i find it hard to concentrate on the movements and get easily frustrated.

 

Im also limiting screen time.  For relaxation, I have been doing a large jigsaw puzzle.  It is good mental training and keeps my mind off of any symptoms.  My mood has improved greatly from being disconnected from Tv, YouTube, etc. 

 

With that in mind, I am heading outside to clean/fill my bird feeders.  The hummingbirds are back in town! 

 

Best wishes to my buddies here.  Keep pushing forward. 

 

 

RShack, your update is wonderful!  I am so happy for you that your hard work is paying off and I really appreciate your sharing it with those of us still plodding the taper journey.

 

Best to you,

 

Kate. 

Thanks Kate.  It is worth the hard work.  You can do it.  I never thought I would make it this far.

 

Yeah, I still have bad days, but I know a new window is just around the corner.  (Im feeling the burning skin right now, but that's ok, it will pass.)

 

 

truly happy for you Rshack! We all need to hear about good progress. Someone is reading this right now and feeling hope!

Thanks Trina!  I know I needed to hear positive things after I first jumped.  I really thought I was losing my mind.  Im glad I found this site and people like you so that we could learn from one another.

 

I've got some burning skin and tinnitus today....but so happy to have four days off in a row.  Im enjoying it to the fullest.  So nice to feel joy again and be interested and happy about things for a change.

 

It's a beautiful spring day today, but tomorrow we are expecting snow....that's Northeast Ohio for you.  We get to experience all 4 seasons in one day!

I’d love to know the CBT that you do!

Hi Ann,

 

I saw a therapist that specializes in anxiety and claustrophobia.  He used techniques from “Feeling Good” by David Burns.

 

The other technique was exposure therapy.  Learning to confront your fears and remaining calm.  I spent an entire session riding the elevators up and down and learning to breathe my way through the fear.  It works. 

 

He taught me how to detect anxiety and panic attacks coming on.  (This is why you need exposure therapy, you have to get used to detecting the onset of a panic attack and then fighting it off.  )

 

I went through a few therapists before finding the right one, and you may need to do that to.

 

Good luck to you!

 

I did all of this before tapering off of benzos.  And I’m glad I did because it gave me tools to help me recover. 

As of today, I made it four months!

 

My waves are now predictable.  It starts with my rash flaring up (still have one on my chest and on my arms near the inner elbow joint), then the tinnitus kicks in  (I have the kind where it sounds like a radio is playing in the distance), then bam:  burning skin all over, unmotivated, a bit anxious, tired, weak.

 

But then it goes away almost as quickly as it came in.  The symptoms are noticeable, but much weaker than before.  If I distract, I can somewhat forget they are there.  The windows are certainly longer, but still, I am amazed how quickly I can go from good to bad. 

 

My mental state is better, but still there is some fog and I can get overwhelmed if I try to concentrate on something too long.  I have been doing a jigsaw puzzle and overall it helps keep me distracted, but I reach a point where I just cant concentrate on it.  It actually hurts to think.  Im happy I made so much progress so quickly, but this symptom reminds me I have a ways to go to fully heal.

 

Along with gaining more mental strength, I would like to gain more physical strength and stamina.    Now that the weather is nice, I can hike outside.  This is my favorite physical activity.  I live by a National Park and so there are lots of great trails to hike and lots to see.  But here again, I just have no consistency.  Some days I feel like I could do anything, but on others, I just cant get moving.  Again, I have to give myself time to fully heal. 

 

I am most thankful to be able to sleep again.  Most nights I can fall asleep pretty easily and usually stay asleep.  For the past two weeks my dreams have become more lucid and I find that I can control what happens.  I started to have a nightmare, but I told myself to wake up...and I did!  On another night, I told myself the nightmare wasnt real and then started dreaming of something else!  A couple nights ago I dreamt that I was flying over my neighborhood like a bird.  I could control where I was going....it was wonderful....I didnt want the dream to end. 

 

I also took another step.  I threw out the rest of my benzos.  I had two pills left and was going to save them...just in case.  But no, Im never going back to the benzo world.  So out they went.  Sometimes, I would stare at those pills before going to bed and smile knowing that I had broken free.  But now, I do not want them around. 

 

I remember telling myself I would quit, but then before I knew it another month went by and I was feeling bad, driving to the pharmacy to pick up my refill, telling myself "I'll only take a few...just to tide me over...."  then the cycle would start again.  The pills would dwindle down, I would feel anxious and refill again.  But I did it.  I broke free.  No more guilty trips to the pharmacy for me.

 

For those buddies reading this who havent made the jump, I hope you can break free too.  It is possible.  It's not easy, and Im still not healed, but Im moving in the right direction. 

 

Best wishes towards your healing!

Congratulations on 4 months RShack!  So glad you're feeling progress in healing.  Thanks for sharing your clear-eyed description of where you are right now. 

 

Wishing you much healing,

Brighterday 

Congrats Rshack! You've weathered this journey with such poise..really. You never complain..just factual and are always so positive with others 

 

I remember the day I threw out my meds...it was hard for some reason. I never wanted to go back to them, and couldn't bc they had gone paradoxical on me. Perhaps it was the habit I'd had for years of keeping them in my purse for "just in case". Maybe bc i felt I was giving up control - but actually getting rid of them was TAKING CONTROL:)

 

You're doing great. Glad to have you as an online buddy.