Feels like involutary lock down for 1 year now.Is this normal?

Hi,

 

Firstly, I want to thank you for this community forum, and to the members who have shared their experiences of success and failure.

 

Please could I get some feedback if any of you have experienced what I have been going through, which I have outlined below..

 

I had a sudden onset last year, I have the date diarized in April 2019. Literally overnight I woke up the next morning with Derealization, dizziness, cognitive problems, perception problems,neurological issues, anhedonia, compounded with all the anxiety symptoms one could imagine, which brought on full blown agoraphobia. It felt like I had been bashed over the head a few times with a baseball bat. I basically have been confined to the bedroom for a year just trying to keep my mind off symptoms and trying to survive through each minute and hour of the day.

 

I used to have an A- type personality, a very positive person, a businessman who travelled a lot locally and internationally, and when at home would be finding new ideas for outdoor activities. Now everything seems (and looks) hazy and scary to me, as my vision is dimmed and blurry, like one would dim a light switch and put Vaseline in my eyes. I feel very dizzy and never feel awake, my new normal during the day feels like I have just woken up.

 

In comparison,what it feels like, is that a whole history of information and data in my brain has been wiped out, like deleting data from a hard drive, which has made my IQ drop and I even find it difficult to do cognitive tasks. 

 

My world has completely shrunk suddenly since then, that is even geographically and beyond what I’d ever imagine.Any exposure to the outside environment become triggers and that starts from walking outside my bedroom.

 

I want to try understand if what I am experiencing is normal from taking Z-drugs, benzo and AD's last year. (History of medz in my signature) I am almost at the end of tapering off Ativan.

 

Firstly, I have never experienced such bad and extreme anxiety.It is at its peak at first wake up in the morning, with feelings of complete dread. At this time I dont want to open my eyes and face the day.I have no motivation what so ever, just pure dread. It's like my brain does not want to acknowledge there is a concept of an early morning, or I just cannot face another day in this surreal and disappointing world I have landed myself in.

 

Throughout this whole ideal I also feel silenced, and find it difficult to express my own opinion (Cog Fog). I moved back to my hometown from abroad, and I literally have been stuck in small radius of 10 km's for a year, of only seeing my aged parents and visiting my therapist or seeing a medical doctor. My brain cannot fathom going further than these distances.

 

It has been a struggle, and even more of a challenge to titrated off all the medication. I seem to have adopted every phobia in the book. I have social phobia, photo phobia, and haven't even had the guts to pursue my long standing friends, as I feel completely weird, and dont have an attachment to anything.

 

It feels as though my therapist has tried every route they can with me, without success.

 

Has anybody else experienced this, and what small steps can I take to get out of this state?

 

 

 

Hi CyberA

 

Wow sorry you’re having such a rough time! 

 

I want you to know that you express yourself very articulately in writing here.  That part of your cog function seems well.

 

So you do go out into the local areas for a few reasons.  Not only in your room?  And of course, nobody is going anywhere right now.  It’s a very anxious time.  Especially while tapering benzos.

 

You were on a variety of meds and tapers all at once.  It seems like your brain is trying to catch up.  Have you read ‘what is happening to my brain’ in this forum.  It’s right at the top of the home page.  That info will help you understand and knowledge is power in withdrawal.  You’re symptoms are awful, but not unusual given what you’ve been through.  You are in withdrawal. 

 

This is not permanent.  You will heal. 

 

Can you slow down the last of this taper?  Can you stop making cuts to the benzo for awhile? Sometimes this helps to reach a baseline of feeling better (not perfect).  I think you may have reduced too fast with big reductions.  I think your brain needs rest so it can do its work of catching up. 

 

Meanwhile, small things can help a lot.  Try not to compare the well you to the unwell you.  Have compassion for yourself in this healing.  Realize and accept that you reached dependency and now you’re trying to recover.  Acceptance is a major tool right now. 

 

Rest.  Sit outside if you can.  Take slow walks.  Try to distract from these symptoms.  If you are thinking all the time of it , then maybe write down in a journal:  symptoms and level of struggle rated from 1 - 10 intensity.  Each day maybe mid day.  Then close the book.  You will see over time that they are less. 

 

There are lots of helpers here.  We care.

Hi Healing64,

 

Thanks so much for getting back. I have literally not been out much in public space much at all due to feeling so weird and dissociated. Its a real challenge to go out into public areas and I get really anxious when I have had to do so.

 

I have read "whats happening to your brain", its just sometimes I panic as its taking so long, and have had only a few hours windows in the last year, but no change with the DPDR symptoms.

By your signature, it looks like you’re at or near the end of your taper. That was the worst for me and for many others.

 

Yesterday I spoke to my financial advisor at his request about the investments he manages for me. He explained everything in great detail, way more detail than I needed. I realized he was doing this because when I first invested with his company I was still in the depths of cognitive issues and could understand very little of what he tried to explain to me.

 

Cognition improves with time, maybe more time than seems reasonable. Sometimes it’s hard to see unless one looks backwards over time.

 

Your symptoms are common, but should be temporary...I hope that’s of some reassurance.

Everything you are experiencing is normal. I feel much less intelligent than I used to but it gets better with time. Things do get better I promise. It’s gradual and there isn’t ever a eureka moment. as time goes by you just realize things were better than before. Things do get better. Going out gets easier but you have to have the courage to try to do it. You have to respect your limitations while also putting in the effort and taking the chance so that you can get used to going out. Things will get better

Hi Challis99 & RileyJax

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I really appreciate it.

 

I do get very anxious as my symptoms are so bad and I feel trapped and so dysfunctional, as I am not functioning as a human being at all. I try my best to get some sort of hope and to be positive, but tend to wallow in with depression in the negative and have scary intrusive thoughts which I have to fight everyday.  It consistently just feels like this is the end of the road for me as I dont get much remission from this suffering. I am completely unsociable, even with my own family I have social anxiety and my attention span and energy levels are so low combined with almost non-stop anxiety, this combination of Sx's makes me just want to recluse all the time and go back to the bedroom.

 

I try keep some sort of programme everyday but with exercising regularly I really struggle . I find that when I try get out the house it feels too weird and uncomfortable due to bad visual Sx's I have which includes photophobia (sensitivity to brightness) and the world looks so strange (Derealization), even though I am back in my home town it looks unfamiliar and I feel completely disorientated which makes me deeply depressed because I just cant seem to fit in anywhere or function normally ( I dont have loss of emotional detachment to anything or anybody including family_ . I feel completely displaced, and zoned out, like I'm living in a different paradigm.

 

Done quite a bit of research when I am up to it, and found a group of people suffering from a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), to be the closest match to what I am experiencing, which includes loss of ones self identity and having DPDR with non stop exhaustion and become reclusive.

 

Is this really part of having the Benzo withdrawals? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

Sounds pretty familiar..

-Just in my case probs more fatigue based than anxiety based.. -most of the time..

 

It has eased off within my various tapers, and in relation to discontinuation speed, so im sure there will be an end to it once im beyond this final taper...

 

Sorry, not much to add beyond what others here have said...

 

Just keep your eye on the prize..

 

Hi,

I have felt so close to what you described.  I know how awful it is when the world looks weird and the morning dread. That has left for me. It BBC will for you too. Maybe you need to hold for a while to let your brain catch up to your cuts. You came off alot of meds kind of fast. It's ok. Keep distracting to keep your mind busy. If you can even walk around the house a bit to get so m.h e excercise it helps. I started walking and it was so hard and still is. My muscles got so messed up from poor med care. It helps my sx so much. I am so much better. My mind is clear and feel human again. I was soo bad. If I can feel better you can too.

Did you read "What Is Happening To (In?) Your Brain" yet? It really helped me a lot.

 

Rooting for you!!

Hi Cantfly, Dehytq2 & twitchtarantula,

 

Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated. I just dont understand how symptoms can be 24/7 without a break for a year, its relentless and it's tough trying to get through each day.

 

Twitchtarantula, I have read the thread "What Is Happening To (In?) Your Brain". It is very helpful & insightful.

 

 

 

 

Wow..I feel like I was just reading my own words..EVERYTHING you are feeling is 100% characteristic of benzo withdrawal. I suffered in the same ways as you..I was agoraphobic and very detached. I was scared of everything. Nothing looked normal. It does go away...what will start happening is it will go in windows and waves. The issue is that you are still tapering. Once you jump you will experience real windows. It takes some time, but they come. Once you taper down low enough to jump and you finally get off you wont be doing any more damage to your brain..it will be full recovery. Recovery is a totally different beast from tapering. Over time you will reclaim pieces of your life. If you go back and read my old posts, you will see that I was unable to drive. I couldnt sit at a dinner table. my greatest anxiety was sitting in front of someone at a table..or being in a conversation. I would be depersonalized, I would be scared. I couldnt interpret speech. I couldn't read or write. the reason why you are able to relate to people with brain injury is because you technically have a brain injury..only it is chemical. you are going to heal. You are going to survive this. I work now...omg if you told me id ever work again I would laugh in your face..id simply never believe you if you said id ever eat at a dinner table or go to a concert ever again. I wouldnt believe you if you told Me I would drive a car. I do all of this. I run an office by myself and do the work of two people. I keep my home clean, I drive, I shower. while tapering I was unable to shower alone. I used to have my boyfriend watch me because the water hitting my back was so overstimulating it made me feel like I was going to panic and faint. You got this. Just manage your symptoms the best you can. My DM is open to you. If you need anything, even just encouragement, I will be that for you if I can. Keep up the great work

Thank you RileyJax for sharing your experience and offering encouragement.

 

I cant believe how much this medication takes away from one.

 

I will DM you, just having a bad day today.

 

Kindest Regards,

 

CyberA

 

 

CyberA, first off all let me repeat what was said: a lot of what you're going through is common..sadly we have no expiry date for when do the sx's start leaving.

 

Your case is very similar to mine (previous lifestyle included), so much I can even see how there may even be more to what you mentioned on the thread.

 

While I didn't stayed in my bedroom for a year, I did failed miserably at trying to force myself to face reality and rebuild my life, so much it was just reinforcement for my CPTSD..

 

Nowadays the bed is my place and my main concern besides loss of "self" are my damaged cognitive functions (specially when ones work was realiant on them...)

 

Do you have memory loss from during the time you were taking benzos or from "all the time"? Are you able to read a book properly? (Not forgetting how phrases started)

 

Take care!

Hi Cantfly, Dehytq2 & twitchtarantula,

 

Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated. I just dont understand how symptoms can be 24/7 without a break for a year, its relentless and it's tough trying to get through each day.

 

Twitchtarantula, I have read the thread "What Is Happening To (In?) Your Brain". It is very helpful & insightful.

 

Its normal what you feel. Withdrawal can last a very long time, - the body needs time to readjust. While you are suffering, all cells, all the little little parts of your body are working full time, to rebuild themselves, to manage to get all the processes back on track which were influenced by the medication. Although for you as a person this feels like nothing does change, it does. It has to be 24/7, - and thats exactly what we feel - total exhaustment and the consequences of being in such a body. It will get better! In withdrawal you cannot count recovery time like for a normal flu or illness, it effects the hole system so deeply, however it is a process of recovery, so please be kind to yourself and deliver what you can to support the process, - eat healthy, live healthy as much as you can - and do not put more pressure on you emotionally.

I completely understand, and I can relate. I wasn't overseas, I was right here in our country, just in a different state and then another different state. For some reason part of being on benzos was me moving from state to state because I was never happy. So I would constantly start new jobs and spend lots of money on all kinds of cool stuff, repeatedly. And when that got old, I would party. And then I'll get bored with that and move again. I kept doing it over and over until the money ran out and bad luck hit. So then I came back home from another state, not like from overseas as you mentioned, but from across the country. Everything was going good for a little while, and then the interdose withdrawal started affecting me. Because of that, I was in and out of hospitals and then cold turkey again. Started losing all of my money, had to get rid of my nice new vehicle, went through all of my money and belongings other than what was in my house, just my furniture. Ended up putting that in storage. Now I'm starting from scratch again, living in a vacation rental temporarily. It's actually just as nice or nicer than the place I was living, but it's still takes a toll mentally because it reminds you of how everything used to be expensive and yours, because you own it, only to rent things and not know where life is going. But I've been stuck like you, months and months, I'm 8 months out now. But it's improving, a lot. Today I had a window where it was as if nothing ever happened. It's been happening more and more recently. I've been getting more sleep, and whenever I do get a wave, it's not that big of a deal like it used to be. I get over it really quickly and keep doing what I'm doing anyways. I just fight through it. Nothing much fazes me anymore, the only thing that really gets to me is the fact that I can't live my life the way I want to yet. Whenever the symptoms are gone, that's when I will start living it again. In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can. But I completely relate to you. I've lived both lives, I've had everything that you can imagine and I've also had nothing at all, literally nothing. Just a T-shirt and some jeans. So just keep on fighting and you will get through this. Everybody gets through it. Everybody doubts themselves the first couple months and considers going back on them, and as more time goes by, they get braver and things get better. It's just the way benzo withdrawal works.

CyberA, first off all let me repeat what was said: a lot of what you're going through is common..sadly we have no expiry date for when do the sx's start leaving.

 

Your case is very similar to mine (previous lifestyle included), so much I can even see how there may even be more to what you mentioned on the thread.

 

While I didn't stayed in my bedroom for a year, I did failed miserably at trying to force myself to face reality and rebuild my life, so much it was just reinforcement for my CPTSD..

 

Nowadays the bed is my place and my main concern besides loss of "self" are my damaged cognitive functions (specially when ones work was realiant on them...)

 

Do you have memory loss from during the time you were taking benzos or from "all the time"? Are you able to read a book properly? (Not forgetting how phrases started)

 

Take care!

 

Hi RePurgaNull,

 

Thanks for your input.  I suffer from DR (not so much DP), which to explain, I feel completely disjointed and distanced from the world out there...I say out there, as the world visually looks scary and intimidating.

 

Before this, I used to be a speed reader, as to have my faculties is what made me function at work, working through mounds of information, sales contracts, writing contracts and financial/sales reports. I cannot do that anymore, since this onset of symptoms, that being prior to tapering. I literally woke up one morning, and the world looked strange. Its been like this from 3 weeks into taking the prescribed medication last year. I immediately got hold of a therapist then, who suggested I taper off all medication, to get to a base line, to see if this was chemical or psychological.

 

I go into a panic, as I cannot even keep track day to day, and cannot do the thngs I used to do. I sit in this hazy fog, and drift from one thing to another. The only thing that has improved in the last year, is my short term memory, for e.g. last year I would land up watching the same Youtube documentary, and only realise this while 70% into watching the entire video. My short term memory has improved, but it also depends on the day, as some are worse than others.

 

To answer your questions, I have no emotional connection as to what I experienced in life in the last 5 years. Those 5 years were all big events, as my wife and I immigrated to another country, where I tried out 3 different careers, and we travelled a huge amount.I look at the Facebook memories/pictures and have no connection to what happened, the people i was with...it almost looks alien. You will note in my signature, I have gone through a bad breakup in marriage.I look back at pictures of my wife, and have no emotional attachment too. Its very scary to me.

 

My bad memory/cog symptoms were a sudden onset 3 weeks into taking medication last year. I just woke up one of those mornings, and the world looked different, and it felt like I had been hit with 3 baseball bats on my head. So I know its not from the Benzo withdrawal.

 

I cannot manage to read a book, as my brain cannot seem to keep all the information in at once, so 3 pages at a time is all I can manage. Also I lose track and continuity of the story, like following the narrative, or how the previous phrase started is a problem to remember. I noticed I tend to do things where I can become more of an observer, like for e.g. watch easy going documentaries. Movies can get too intense, and triggers anxiety.

Hi Cantfly, Dehytq2 & twitchtarantula,

 

Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated. I just dont understand how symptoms can be 24/7 without a break for a year, its relentless and it's tough trying to get through each day.

 

Twitchtarantula, I have read the thread "What Is Happening To (In?) Your Brain". It is very helpful & insightful.

 

Its normal what you feel. Withdrawal can last a very long time, - the body needs time to readjust. While you are suffering, all cells, all the little little parts of your body are working full time, to rebuild themselves, to manage to get all the processes back on track which were influenced by the medication. Although for you as a person this feels like nothing does change, it does. It has to be 24/7, - and thats exactly what we feel - total exhaustment and the consequences of being in such a body. It will get better! In withdrawal you cannot count recovery time like for a normal flu or illness, it effects the hole system so deeply, however it is a process of recovery, so please be kind to yourself and deliver what you can to support the process, - eat healthy, live healthy as much as you can - and do not put more pressure on you emotionally.

 

Hi Marigold1

 

Thanks for this. I really do try to live healthily, but find it very difficult to do exercise, as I get dizzy if I try home exercises, and to walk outside the world looks too strange, and I feel vulnerable due to the DP/DR. It upsets me as I used to hike a lot and loved the outdoors. Wide expanse seems to boggle my mind now, its over-stimulation including having photo phobia.My world seems so small now, anything outside home is too far and too intimidating.

I completely understand, and I can relate. I wasn't overseas, I was right here in our country, just in a different state and then another different state. For some reason part of being on benzos was me moving from state to state because I was never happy. So I would constantly start new jobs and spend lots of money on all kinds of cool stuff, repeatedly. And when that got old, I would party. And then I'll get bored with that and move again. I kept doing it over and over until the money ran out and bad luck hit. So then I came back home from another state, not like from overseas as you mentioned, but from across the country. Everything was going good for a little while, and then the interdose withdrawal started affecting me. Because of that, I was in and out of hospitals and then cold turkey again. Started losing all of my money, had to get rid of my nice new vehicle, went through all of my money and belongings other than what was in my house, just my furniture. Ended up putting that in storage. Now I'm starting from scratch again, living in a vacation rental temporarily. It's actually just as nice or nicer than the place I was living, but it's still takes a toll mentally because it reminds you of how everything used to be expensive and yours, because you own it, only to rent things and not know where life is going. But I've been stuck like you, months and months, I'm 8 months out now. But it's improving, a lot. Today I had a window where it was as if nothing ever happened. It's been happening more and more recently. I've been getting more sleep, and whenever I do get a wave, it's not that big of a deal like it used to be. I get over it really quickly and keep doing what I'm doing anyways. I just fight through it. Nothing much fazes me anymore, the only thing that really gets to me is the fact that I can't live my life the way I want to yet. Whenever the symptoms are gone, that's when I will start living it again. In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can. But I completely relate to you. I've lived both lives, I've had everything that you can imagine and I've also had nothing at all, literally nothing. Just a T-shirt and some jeans. So just keep on fighting and you will get through this. Everybody gets through it. Everybody doubts themselves the first couple months and considers going back on them, and as more time goes by, they get braver and things get better. It's just the way benzo withdrawal works.

 

Thanks Justintime, I have ready a few of your posts.

 

Good to hear that you are on the mend, from your comment of getting a window.

 

I'm so sorry you have gone through losing everything. It's heart wrenching, especially the emotional stuff, of losing a partner or friends. I seem to have no attachment to anything material anymore, its just not important when one is in survival mode, its about just keep living.

 

For me, its hope I need to find again. As I try and get through day to day, I am just hoping and praying I get my cognitive faculties back again, as I do test my abilities daily, but they just not there at the moment. If my brain functioned ok, and the world didnt look so strange, it will give me hope, and I would then know I function ok, to start building up again. At the moment I am just in limbo waiting for the brain to "come back" from wherever it has landed up!

 

All the best.

 

CyberA

 

Hi Cantfly, Dehytq2 & twitchtarantula,

 

Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated. I just dont understand how symptoms can be 24/7 without a break for a year, its relentless and it's tough trying to get through each day.

 

Twitchtarantula, I have read the thread "What Is Happening To (In?) Your Brain". It is very helpful & insightful.

 

Its normal what you feel. Withdrawal can last a very long time, - the body needs time to readjust. While you are suffering, all cells, all the little little parts of your body are working full time, to rebuild themselves, to manage to get all the processes back on track which were influenced by the medication. Although for you as a person this feels like nothing does change, it does. It has to be 24/7, - and thats exactly what we feel - total exhaustment and the consequences of being in such a body. It will get better! In withdrawal you cannot count recovery time like for a normal flu or illness, it effects the hole system so deeply, however it is a process of recovery, so please be kind to yourself and deliver what you can to support the process, - eat healthy, live healthy as much as you can - and do not put more pressure on you emotionally.

 

Hi Marigold1

 

Thanks for this. I really do try to live healthily, but find it very difficult to do exercise, as I get dizzy if I try home exercises, and to walk outside the world looks too strange, and I feel vulnerable due to the DP/DR. It upsets me as I used to hike a lot and loved the outdoors. Wide expanse seems to boggle my mind now, its over-stimulation including having photo phobia.My world seems so small now, anything outside home is too far and too intimidating.

 

Also normal. Many of us including my have been bed bound or house bound for years - we just walked 5 minutes around the kitchen table or did some stretches in bed. You will find a way, let your body guide you