Feeling so alone and lost

Today the crushing isolation and desperation hit me like a truck. I find the hardest part of this process is often how I go from totally ok, relaxed, at ease, even happy, to flat-lining, then to crashing into despair, hopelessness, and desperation. Then comes the up swing and restlessness all over again. I'm detecting my healing pattern.

 

I'm so tired. Something in me kind of broke last night about this global crisis. It feels like I am just getting myself together for a world that is falling apart.

 

I really struggle with the fear of a government I've never felt cared much about me, as a disabled person, or a traumatized woman. It feels like a slap in the face that they are blaming those of us with chronic illness as their scapegoats for this illogical reaction to a bad flu. Where are they on the crisis of benzo wd? Nowhere. It's not even 'real'.

 

Waves of anger, desperation, and fear are really not what I need more help with right now. It's hard to get my mind to let go and sleep. I had to disable my Facebook and I still can't chill out.

 

I'm a ray of sunshine tonight, and feeling like no one cares. It hurts.

Rose, I care. I don't have words of wisdom, but you're not alone in feeling this way. I share many of your exact thoughts around governments, their illogical reaction to the virus, and benzo w/d. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and let you know. It hurts badly, and you're justified in saying so.

Thanks beautiful. I appreciate you. 

Rose, I care too. I would like to know more of your story. I feel the hurt in your written words. I too am a disabled, traumatized woman and I also happen to be somewhat disabled, due to my over using benzos for thirty years. I paid an enormous price for that mistake.

I think most of us are frightened by this new Global crisis.  None of us know what to do, and yes it is frightening. To be possibly "locked down" for a month or more IS terrifying and would be even more so for someone dealing with benzo wd.

I get your anger about how benzo wd is not even recognized as a real problem. This bothered me for years. I sure know what I went through was very real, despite all my doctors telling me it was not possibly benzo wd. Hogwash! It sure was, because once I managed to heal, I found myself to be a completely changed woman who is now healthier, happier than she EVER was on benzos!

 

I really would like to hear more of your story. Feel free to visit me on my Blog: "Eastcoast's Trip."

east

That was a beautiful first sentence description of how I feel, think, and all too often am.  I also care and want you to know that.  Thank you for your words as I often can't describe what I'm feeling very well and you did it for me.  Have a great weekend and know there's many more of us all throughout the world that at times feel as we do.

 

Oh Rose, I'm sorry.

 

I'm at a point where I'm ok with people posting of their negative experience.  I believe I will heal in Time but for the moment I just want to say this totally sucks and I'm so tired of waiting. 

 

Give me a break and let me talk about feeling negative.  Twelve months Off and 18 months (?) tapering is a long hard road and no one (outside of here) understands.  Let me cry here.  Let others cry. 

 

I WILL heal. I know that. 

 

 

Today the crushing isolation and desperation hit me like a truck. I find the hardest part of this process is often how I go from totally ok, relaxed, at ease, even happy, to flat-lining, then to crashing into despair, hopelessness, and desperation. Then comes the up swing and restlessness all over again. I'm detecting my healing pattern.

 

I'm so tired. Something in me kind of broke last night about this global crisis. It feels like I am just getting myself together for a world that is falling apart.

 

I really struggle with the fear of a government I've never felt cared much about me, as a disabled person, or a traumatized woman. It feels like a slap in the face that they are blaming those of us with chronic illness as their scapegoats for this illogical reaction to a bad flu. Where are they on the crisis of benzo wd? Nowhere. It's not even 'real'.

 

Waves of anger, desperation, and fear are really not what I need more help with right now. It's hard to get my mind to let go and sleep. I had to disable my Facebook and I still can't chill out.

 

I'm a ray of sunshine tonight, and feeling like no one cares. It hurts.

 

Rose, you need to see your strength instead of your weakness. I would not use facebook any more in your shoes, by the way. Find a source of neutral, reliable information and stick to that one.

Many people out there are disabled, I am, and I am young. I have also overcome and survived a trauma, as you know. I am neither broken nor am I damaged. And so aren't you. These thoughts come up, when something isn't in balance it just might be the virus stress at the moment. And thats it.

 

Can you do something with your body? Some movements or even walking around the kitchen table or something like that? Something to make your heart pump a little bit faster and then it has to slow down. This will lower your cortisol level, and after some deep breathes, maybe you could feel better?

 

If that is a stupid idea, - toss it and take my hug:

I agree, Marigold. When one is in the throes of benzo wd, we often dont think well at all. And understanding things like this are hard to do. But yes, focusing more on ones strengths instead of ones weakness will ALWAYS be a better choice, even if you have to fake it.

 

I am disabled. Not horrendously so but yes, it is often difficult for me to do many things. I dnt do stairs well at all. One at a time and painfully slowly, since my right leg barely bends at all. I walk with a pronounced limp. My posture has sort of curved to cope with this disabilty.

And the really messed up part of this is that my injury was ONLY due to my being on benzos for so darn long. Dont you think I should be bitter about this? To absolutely know you did this to yourself by o=your foolish behavior is pretty heavy. I have had to learn to live with this severe damage, and try to move despite it. But it is a constant reminder for me that I can never take benzos again. I live with this damage night and day. It does not get better, it only gets worse as I get older. The veins in that leg are not great and the last couple months I have had fairly massive edema in that leg, to the point where my calf hurts. Doc gave me Lasix but that really hasnt helped much. But nevertheless, I keep on going, because I now ENJOY life! I did not on benzos. Life was a chore then, a dim, dismal world of doom and gloom. I thought this was depression. It wasnt. It was being caused by the pills I SO believed in....benzos. I was in tolerance withdrawal for years and had no idea that could even happen. My health went downhill the last 10 years on benzos.

And then I fell and crushed my femur and knee into tiny little splinters. OMG.

 

We all need each other more now than ever before. Many of us will soon be restricted to staying at home. And for someone in benzo wd, this isolation may be difficult to handle. Even those who have healed will feel isolated and alone. ALL of us are scared, as we should be. I hope that BB people stick together and support each other even MORE in the coming months. Benzo wd is horrible as it is and to have this added on top is.....simply awful.

 

I love all of you, as you were there when I needed support. BB did something for me nothing else could or did. What I learned here saved my very life. I will never forget that.

 

Lets all stick together now, support each other no matter how weird it might get. We have to be here for each other now.

east

I agree, Marigold. When one is in the throes of benzo wd, we often dont think well at all. And understanding things like this are hard to do. But yes, focusing more on ones strengths instead of ones weakness will ALWAYS be a better choice, even if you have to fake it.

 

I am disabled. Not horrendously so but yes, it is often difficult for me to do many things. I dnt do stairs well at all. One at a time and painfully slowly, since my right leg barely bends at all. I walk with a pronounced limp. My posture has sort of curved to cope with this disabilty.

And the really messed up part of this is that my injury was ONLY due to my being on benzos for so darn long. Dont you think I should be bitter about this? To absolutely know you did this to yourself by o=your foolish behavior is pretty heavy. I have had to learn to live with this severe damage, and try to move despite it. But it is a constant reminder for me that I can never take benzos again. I live with this damage night and day. It does not get better, it only gets worse as I get older. The veins in that leg are not great and the last couple months I have had fairly massive edema in that leg, to the point where my calf hurts. Doc gave me Lasix but that really hasnt helped much. But nevertheless, I keep on going, because I now ENJOY life! I did not on benzos. Life was a chore then, a dim, dismal world of doom and gloom. I thought this was depression. It wasnt. It was being caused by the pills I SO believed in....benzos. I was in tolerance withdrawal for years and had no idea that could even happen. My health went downhill the last 10 years on benzos.

And then I fell and crushed my femur and knee into tiny little splinters. OMG.

 

We all need each other more now than ever before. Many of us will soon be restricted to staying at home. And for someone in benzo wd, this isolation may be difficult to handle. Even those who have healed will feel isolated and alone. ALL of us are scared, as we should be. I hope that BB people stick together and support each other even MORE in the coming months. Benzo wd is horrible as it is and to have this added on top is.....simply awful.

 

I love all of you, as you were there when I needed support. BB did something for me nothing else could or did. What I learned here saved my very life. I will never forget that.

 

Lets all stick together now, support each other no matter how weird it might get. We have to be here for each other now.

east

 

Rose!    I read your great post about strength so many times. So I'm so sorry that there have been changes, and you feel bad. But we fight together, even though it is very difficult right now.

Today the crushing isolation and desperation hit me like a truck. I find the hardest part of this process is often how I go from totally ok, relaxed, at ease, even happy, to flat-lining, then to crashing into despair, hopelessness, and desperation. Then comes the up swing and restlessness all over again. I'm detecting my healing pattern.

 

I have the exact same pattern of severe mood swings, except that when I don't feel depressed I feel anxious, and when I don't feel anxious I feel depressed. There is hardly a middle ground for now, but I somehow had some nice days with minimal anxiety, and even felt some happiness 

 

So far I don't find a trigger or a healing pattern, I'm much worse than I was 2 months ago 

 

But back to you!

I believe that it's perfectly normal to feel bad during this pandemia. Litteraly EVERYONE here (in France) is super-anxious and newspapers already talk about the aftermaths with a lot of new depressions amongst the population, even post traumatic syndrom disorders!

 

You are perfecly normal. Feeling fine during these hard times would be, in my opinion, even abnormal. It shows us that we are able to react like any human beings. Yes it's had to feel this bad. But for the first time, we are all in the same boat! And that's give me some relief, I don't feel disabled that much since everyone here is loosing their mind just like me! 

 

More seriously, I don't know where you are living but trust me, your government will quickly understand how this threat is real. It has just begun in France, despite the fact that our italians neighbors are dealing with 800 deaths last saturday in only 24hours span.

I freaked out yesterday, Rose.

I was looking on the scerany and I thought, well, now its all over. Marigold has lost her mind.

 

I did not know why, I did not realize it was because of Corona and the things happening around me. I just exploded and screamed at my partner, then took a shower, crying, then felt like my heart would explode and went to bed.. could not sleep for 7 hours, was considering asking someone for something to sleep (can you imagine it??????), then left the bed and after 12 hours, it was over, my little what-ever.

 

Its a tough time, Rose. We are only humans, we are vulnerable and the sorrow in our heart find a way to come out.

 

How was your day?

I agree, Marigold. When one is in the throes of benzo wd, we often dont think well at all. And understanding things like this are hard to do. But yes, focusing more on ones strengths instead of ones weakness will ALWAYS be a better choice, even if you have to fake it.

 

I am disabled. Not horrendously so but yes, it is often difficult for me to do many things. I dnt do stairs well at all. One at a time and painfully slowly, since my right leg barely bends at all. I walk with a pronounced limp. My posture has sort of curved to cope with this disabilty.

And the really messed up part of this is that my injury was ONLY due to my being on benzos for so darn long. Dont you think I should be bitter about this? To absolutely know you did this to yourself by o=your foolish behavior is pretty heavy. I have had to learn to live with this severe damage, and try to move despite it. But it is a constant reminder for me that I can never take benzos again. I live with this damage night and day. It does not get better, it only gets worse as I get older. The veins in that leg are not great and the last couple months I have had fairly massive edema in that leg, to the point where my calf hurts. Doc gave me Lasix but that really hasnt helped much. But nevertheless, I keep on going, because I now ENJOY life! I did not on benzos. Life was a chore then, a dim, dismal world of doom and gloom. I thought this was depression. It wasnt. It was being caused by the pills I SO believed in....benzos. I was in tolerance withdrawal for years and had no idea that could even happen. My health went downhill the last 10 years on benzos.

And then I fell and crushed my femur and knee into tiny little splinters. OMG.

 

We all need each other more now than ever before. Many of us will soon be restricted to staying at home. And for someone in benzo wd, this isolation may be difficult to handle. Even those who have healed will feel isolated and alone. ALL of us are scared, as we should be. I hope that BB people stick together and support each other even MORE in the coming months. Benzo wd is horrible as it is and to have this added on top is.....simply awful.

 

I love all of you, as you were there when I needed support. BB did something for me nothing else could or did. What I learned here saved my very life. I will never forget that.

 

Lets all stick together now, support each other no matter how weird it might get. We have to be here for each other now.

east

 

 

 

Beautifully written Annie. 

 

What a generous soul you have.  Being here for each other is at the heart of BB.

 

Thank you  for those much needed words. 

 

Jen

 

 

That sounds really rough going - the desperation can be debilitation at times. I'm going through much of what you are talking about with respect to the government, medical profession - in their utter denial of and ignorance towards the reality of Benzos whilst sounding off about an Opiate epidemic. Seems we are alone in this situation. The COVID-19 situation, for me, is so surreal it's almost metaphoric and further adds to a sense of isolation on a deeper level.

rose..."hit by a truck" is a good description. Its weird how we can have a day where we have a bit of fight in us..then wham! We can be on the floor curled up sobbing in despair. Waves - I have to keep telling myself "waves". The past two days have been more manageable, not easy, but i'll take it. Everything IS upsetting right now..my husband works medical - its surreal.

Our brains are not functioning they way they should and are healing, but its sooo important for us to focus not flooding ourselves with negative.

Yesterday I read the news reports. but then I was like "screw this" - I put on a the national geographic channel that had cute animal stories for hours, then we watched marble racing on tv of all things. I mean I still can't totally sit and watch tv right now - but I glance over at it. it has a pleasant tone. 

 

Honestly earlier last week I was on here desperate - typing for reassurance just like you - and I know i will most likely feel like that again in this process and with the stress of world changes..that's why we all take turns supporting each other on here! that is the beauty in the darkness I guess. hugs