A Pep Talk from East

I no longer spend hours on BB, but I do read enough to understand that so many of you are struggling. I want you to know it will not always be this way.

My own withdrawal was extremely awful, but so is yours. And I somehow healed after a thirty year habit of nightly benzos in doses that would kill most people. Talk about a tolerance. All of us think we are worst cases. Its hard to even grasp the entire idea on WHY we feel so awful. We were not warned this could happen. I have always figured that because I am a medical professional, I KNEW the truth. Turned out that was so way wrong. never once in over 30 years as a nurse (RN) did I ever hear, read or was told, that getting off benzos can be SO horrible for some. Well, now I know. Yikes, do I know now!  I arrived here on BB in 2012 in full blown cold turkey wd. Hallucinating wirth all 5 of my senses...smells, tastes, seeing things, hearing things, feeling things - that I KNEW were hallucinations but I felt all of this anyway. Talk about frightening. And slowly the Terror built up. It happened slowly and because I was so crazy then I didnt even recognize it WAS Terror. The day I figured out was a day when I was using my walker to move about and suddenly realized I was walking with all my butt muscles pulled in real tight. my brain did that because it was so scared of every thing around me. That was a strange realization! And I had Terror for over a year, night and day, scared of every single thing around me. Name something I was scared of it. My hair, my cats, vegetables, my refridgerator's weird noises, clocks ticking too loudly. I could go on and on but will spare you.

 

Year One was a nightmare. I did not sleep at ALL. I only had brief moments when my brain blanked shut for a few moments. This is called "micro sleeps" and they prevent you from dying from lack of sleep. I KNEW insomnia would be a problem for me, as that was the ONLY reason I ever took benzos. I didnt for anxiety. I took them for what I thought was insomnia. I see now that after several years on benzos every night, my insomnia continued due to tolerance withdrawal. Talk about an ugly circle of insanity. That first year I still am a bit clueless how I got through it. Finding BB was my first positive step and I LIVED on BB for over a year.

Year two was only slightly better. But by the middle of Year 2 I began to notice symptoms had faded away. That is about when I began to truly ACCEPT that it WAS benzo wd, because, just like you, I always figured I had either gone plumb insane or had some dreadful disease.

Year 3 was better, and I was functional and even finding small pleasures. The Fear had lessened, allowing me to do a bit more.

 

Lets cut to the chase. I can tell all of you that you WILL heal from this, and you WILL beat benzos. All it takes is dogged determination to find a better life for you. You have to really want to find some peace and relief.  My best advice to you is TRY the many things people here suggest might help. (But dont fall for herbals or supplements, please. Some are just not safe for you. If someone suggests meditation, TRY it. If someone (like me) says to "fake it", DO this! We dont make suggestions such as these without good reasons.

The absolute 3 best things I did were these:

1. Slow deep belly breathing really helped control anxiety for me. Take a slow deep breath in, so you make your belly rise. Hold it at the top for a couple seconds, and then slowly, slowly, let the air come out. If you do this over and over it becomes a safe way to reduce anxiety.

2. Listen to sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube or elsewhere, and listen to hypnotic relaxation tapes or videos.

3. Fake it. This really is "pretending to be more optimistic" than you really are. I chose to call it faking it. This is surprisingly effective but it does take some practice and will feel really silly at first. I started by writing down all my many negative thoughts and then reversing them. "I wll never heal, I am too sick to!" became "I will heal because I am tougher than I know right now."

"I must have some damn disease causing this" became  "It is benzo wd and I will recover."  " I must be a failure, feeling so crazy" became "My mental status is being caused by benzo withdrawal." If you get the idea, start doing this, and do it often. Over time you will actually CHANGE how your brain/mind think about this stuff and you will end up BEING a lot more positive. This is safe, its good, naturalistic medicine.

 

All of you can do these simple things. Try them, DO them and practice them religious. They work, and will for you too.

east (Annie)

Thanks, Annie. Hugs!

Happy Birthday Annie!

Is it your  birthday  Annie?

 

Well a very Happy Birthday to you.

 

Thank you for all do in trying to help others. 

 

 

Love

 

Jen

Thank you so much, Annie.

 

Thanks, Annie, for taking the time to write this. It shows what a beautiful, compassionate soul you are. I am sure it will help many!

Congrats on your recovery, and wish you continued healing and strength!

What a strong person you are ! you went through a lot and the same for me, i suffered all no words can describe the depth of misery and suffering that i went through, after 2 years i am doing much better but still very sensitive to stress , best wishes for you 

Oh, hell no, I am not strong at all. I am just like all of you out there. Maybe because I had NO choice but to get off benzos, and my extreme paranoia about doctors back then prevented me from reinstating....I somehow just dogged it along and trudged on and finally managed to beat benzos.

You might want to read my Blog: Eastcoast's Trip.

My story is a bit unique and also a bit extreme.

east

Happy b-day Annie!!! 70 right? We need something to celebrate today!

You are a blessing to many of us. big hugs!

 

Katrina

I somehow just dogged it along and trudged on and finally managed to beat benzos.

 

 

I will be reading your story, best wishes

Let me know what you think, survivor.

God almighty what a weird week this has been. Covid, Covid, Covid.....I am already sick of its name. This things is hurting a lot of people!

My xurrent plan is to lie low, and not fuss about uch at all except taking care of me and my cat Bear. No point in going to stores that have NO food or supplies. I spent time today cutting up enormous mens T shirts into rags to use instead of paper towels. How weird is that?

But maybe its a learning lesson as well. We all waste so much. We have come to rely on products that cost a lot (paper towels) when a clean rag would do just as well. Toilet paper IS a problem, I know. If I had to, I would use paper napkins for this.

 

I have a small "apartment sized" fridge, so I have NO way to freeze a lot of food. Luckily I have a lot of dry foods, and enough in my tiny freezer to see me through.

What a strange world we live in now.

I have been browsing through todays post. I have this incredibly strong sense that FEAR of the unknown is ruling a lot of us now. NOT just benzo wd. Covid 19 fear is rampant, and with good reason.

 

I realized today that we on BB already HAVE a built in support system that does not mean in person contact. Many people are facing this mess with NO support, in person OR via internet. We already have that and despite the negatives of remote support, all of us have this incredible community of intelligent, thoughtful people who will try to support us if we get this virus. I realy am grateful for that.

east

PS Love all of you!

Annie,

So true..I see BB as a great support during this time. When one is down, another pulls one up. and then maybe that graciousness is returned should that person have a hard day. We are so united on here in many different ways.

It's ok to say we're scared and uncertain.

I keep telling myself" As horrible as this is - it CANNOT last forever - we just need to do what's necessary to make it end - sooner than later preferably.

Push on for the day when things come closer to normal again, whether thats benzo healing or the annihilation of covid 19".

 

This day has definitely held its challenges for me, and daily I'm finding part of my healing is to CHOOSE how I will perceive things, what I ruminate on, how I respond,....fighting as hard as I can. And no it is definitely not easy.

 

A few days from now I might be crying on the floor - but today I fight. And if I am down, I know there are people on here who will help me gain perspective again and help me fight another day.

 

God bless every person on this site.

This is such an inspirational voice!  Thank you 🙏.  I am convinced that healing happens.  I choose to focus on that.  I’m not minimizing any suffering and understand I can’t compare one journey to another.  The symptoms are real.  But I think what have I got to lose by believing in healing?  For me, mindset is foundational to recovery.  Meditation, calming activities, healthy simple  food and positive self talk help me so much.  I love hearing from others who are leaning in to this more.  Thank you for this!

WOW! Both of you said things that amaze me, and I do feel that both of you have what it takes to get through this mess of benzo  wd.

Ones mind-set plays a HUGE role in this, and if one doesnt get this, you are more likely to fail and reinstate. Without naming names, I will say I got a PM from someone who only focuses on the negatives. She/he said that "BB wd only takes timel NOT work." Oh how I so dis-agree with that! Accepting is hard work. Learning how to re-train your mind to be positive no matter what IS hard work - it takes effort and determination to beat benzos and heal WELL. And changing old negative patterns of thinking IS hard work, but it the only way you are going to heal from benzos.

 

Both of you are on the right tract. Absolutely yes, your symptoms are very real! Never doubt that. Benzo wd is capable of producing a vast array of bizarre symptoms. And they will come - and they WILL go away in time. It takes work to cope with this stuff! It isnt easy to suffer through this stuff, not really knowing if what you read on BB is true. One you reach a certain point in your healing, you will find out once and for all that what you learned here WAS the truth.

 

Thank both of you for thoughtful posts and I hope others stumble across this thread. These days of terrible fear over Covid, we all need support. I am scared, just as you are.

We are in this together, people.

east (Annie)

Happy birthday dear Annie! I'm glad that God allowed me to meet a hero like you❤

LOL! Bazil, you are one of MY heros!

It takes a lot of strength to get through benzo wd, and you and I sure did. You did exactly what I did, you stayed positive no matter what. I know that deep inside, you were hurting really badly, but you never once showed that. To save yourself, you tried to help others. And this worked very well for both of us. I never once saw a scary post from you. It was always upbeat, no matter what. I would bet that all those months ago you were feeling really bad, but never let o to this. I respect you, Bazil. I happen to think you are one really cool dude.

hugs!

east

If I could hug everyone on BB this evening, I would. All of us are so scared now, and not just about benzo wd. ALL of us are at risk for Covid 19.

I never thought I wold live to see a day where a virus was threatening SO many people in SUCH lethal ways. But here we are. It reminds me a several "end of the world" books I read shortly after going CT off benzos.

 

I can only imagine the deep fear all of you have now. Not only about benzos! Now you have another threat to your safety.  We are all in this together people. We need each other now more than ever.

If I come down with a fever in 2 days, my first source of support would be here on BB. My 2 sisters live far away from me, and have NO other family, except BB. That is MY reality.

Now would be a good time to try to relax just a bit....lean back and take a deep breath in....and slowly let it go out. You are going to heal from the benzos. But Covid 19 is far more lethal.

Lets all of us try to safe safe, okay?

I wish you all safety and stay home...only go out if you really must!

 

Much love and hugs Eastcoast 

Hey there, East. I really appreciate all you do for the BB community. Personally, being in withdrawal is making it easier, ironically, to deal with Covid-19. That's not to say I don't care about Covid, or that I don't believe it's serious. Rather, it's kind of like if you have a pain in your arm, and then a tree falls on your head -- you forget about your arm because you're thinking about your head. Anyway, for me it's kind of been like that: Withdrawal is the tree that fell on my head and pretty much takes my focus from other things that would cause me fear. In a roundabout way, maybe now is the **best** time to be in withdrawal, because so many other people are having to stay indoors too. I don't know.

 

One really cool thing I noticed today is that the city skyline where I live in the Midwest was so crystal-clear in a way I've never seen before. The smog is so much reduced. So many fewer people are driving. I almost cried out of happiness for the sky. And so I told my spouse: "There is proof that even after years of daily damage, nature starts healing itself."  So it's like the psych drugs are the daily carbon emissions, and my brain is the sky, and maybe after enough time, my brain can be clear as today's skyline. (Most of the time I have a really hard time feeling this is true, but like you said, faking it is a good start, and reframing thoughts is a good practice. Despite feeling badly right now, I'm practicing).

Oh! what nice posts to read this evening!

delsol, I know what you mean. To SEE things clearly again IS wonderful. I went through the same thing once I started to heal. To have benzos OUT of my brain was really startling, as I had no idea I was being affected in so many ways.

 

Thank you, BigBear. My cat is named Bear. I didnt name him, the lady who rescued him did. He is wonderful company as right now all of us have to stay safe. To be honest social distancing is very boring. I will run out of small projects to complete before this is all over. And as a nurse, I can tell you that this may NEVER be over.

 

Everyone on BB is stressed enough already and to now have to deal with covid 19 stress - must be simply unbearable. I would suggest that all of you lean even more on BB, and let BB be your main support for now. All of us wish we could be WITH our loved ones, and right now, we just cant. But BB WILL be here and IS safe....so lean on us.

east (Annie)

Keep on going, friends. This stuff does fade away, but it just takes time. You are lucky ones who happened to find BB . Think about how many other people out there, going through benzo wd and NOT being able to use BB for help? Do you think they will make it" Never learning WHY they feel as weird as they do?

Well, that is so many peoples reality and we on BB are THE LUCKY ONES.

east

thats so true - we are the lucky ones! It was "accidentally" coming across this site (and one other) while searching for answers of what might be wrong with me, that showed me what the problem was! (It was literally an answer to prayer).

 

Not the answer I wanted, not the journey I wanted, but an answer that stops further damage and leads to healing. Not knowing what's wrong is almost the worst part.

 

Lucky to get answers and find supportive awesome ppl here on BB:)

I would not call us lucky to be in a position to need Benzo buddies, It shouldn't happen considering the dangers have been known for a long time by Doctors,  especially valium which has been prescribed for many decades,

 

However we are extremely lucky to have  a place to come to reassurance and support, 

 

It doesn't take the symptoms away but does help you feel not so alone, 

 

People here know only  too well how hard this can be,  and with time  and healing then the help  can be extended and those who are being helped now can  help others in the future as sadly I don't think the need is going to go for some time yet

 

Thank you  Annie for all you do to support others

 

Jen

Annie hi honey! Don't you think it would be a good idea to organize groups for benzo addicts? So that people meet regularly and share their recovery experiences with each other.