Jump to content

Despair -- need support desperately


[Wi...]

Recommended Posts

Hi buddies,

 

At 22 months off tomorrow, I am in complete despair. I can't find the words anymore to describe the suffering, and I feel that I cannot go on. My marriage has fallen apart from the strain of all this, my family of origin has turned their backs, and I have nowhere to go. My acute symptoms have not let up yet and I am unable to take care of myself, at this stage. I no longer believe I can make it. I feel so deeply ashamed of what I have become, of what my life has become. Shame and grief and terror. Every day, every night.

 

I don't expect anyone to have a solution to my situation. I don't even know why I'm posting all this.... I am just in so much pain. It's truly unbearable. I don't know what else to do, except to reach out on here for any words of comfort. Thank you for reading.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read your message and hear you, I can understand and feel your pain. Sometimes we just need to keep life in the moment, take each second, minuet and hour as small bite sized chunks. You are not alone on here and by simply sharing how you are helps off load some part of your desperation. Keep going as we are here to support each other.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[63...]

Wildflower i really hear your despair and pain. Im 27 months off and still experiencing brutal waves every 7 days lasting for 2 weeks. My marriage has also collapsed under the strain of the health issues caused by bwd. It probably would have broken down anyway but it's harder dealing with this in bwd.  So i can empathise fully with you.

 

I have read lots of your posts and you are such a force for good on this forum, do you have anyone in RL you can reach out to, please don't do anything to hurt yourself, you are too precious to the world.

 

I have no answers and my response seems woefully inadequate but i  just wanted you to know i understand your feelings of hopeless despair and to just say let us carry on with this journey together.

 

Sending you love, peace and healing vibes

 

SS  xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much, both you guys. I can't even answer right now. But I want you to know it helps, you are helping. I can't stop crying. Thank you for replying. I am deeply grateful. Love to you both.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote from KRock who has healed over 8 years.

 

“Just popping in to check on this thread. It’s come a LONG ways from back when I first started it. I just want to leave a few words of encouragement ......please remember....you all are a lot stronger than you think. Everyone has the will to survive. Your body knows what to do to heal. Trust yourself and the process....let time pass. My withdrawal took me to the depths of hell and back. Not kidding when I say that. Hands down the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I will NEVER forget it....thus the reason I come here occasionally. This place holds a spot dear in my heart. Knowing people here  are suffering like I did is both sad and concerning.

 

Looking back....I was in such a bad place with all my symptoms I really didn’t know how I would ever get better. I couldn't believe that benzos would rock my world like they did. Such a powerful and cruel drug and process. All I could do was pray and wait it out. I did a lot of things wrong with the cold turkeys and detox centers. I wouldn’t advise that path to anyone. It’s not for the faint of hearts.

 

Thanks to this site and the people I’ve met here... I survived. It gave me the support I needed to make it through one more day....just when I didn’t think I could do it. I needed to talk to other people that were going through the same thing I was. And this site did that for me. I’m not sure I would be here today without this site....it was truly a God sent looking back on it. It was the life line I needed.  The members here talked me through some of my darkest hours. No doctor or outside therapy could ever substitute the type of support and care I received here.

 

I want to thank Colin and all the people that make this site possible. They do a great job providing a safe haven for people going through this.

 

My only regret is ....I wish I would of took videos of my withdrawal to show people on line how bad I was. The beginning and the end results of my withdrawal are truly amazing. It would encourage everyone and let them know you WILL heal. Seeing is believing......and I would of never believed it if I hadn’t went through it.

 

Please know....If I can make it through my nightmare.....so can you. I had a ton of doctors telling me my withdrawal symptoms were all in my head....that I had all these medical issues. That I might be disabled for the rest of my life. Yes they said that to me ....so that might tell you how bad I was. Doctors said I might have possible brain damage etc. Also that there was NO way it could still be withdrawal symptoms....blah...blah...blah. Looking back it was all total bullshit. The things we experience during withdrawal are VERY real. Don’t let anyone ever down play it or tell you it’s not. All the stuff the doctors told me that I would have to live with forever are now GONE. Poof!! Vanished!! It was benzo withdrawal the whole time. Members here kept telling me it was...I just had to wait it out and let my body heal.

 

Please stay positive and know it does end. I’m proof of it.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trying2B, thank you so much for your posts. I want to write more to you, but I just can't function at the moment. I appreciate your posts much more than I can put into words.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

[a8...]

Trying2B, thank you so much for your posts. I want to write more to you, but I just can't function at the moment. I appreciate your posts much more than I can put into words.

 

I feel your pain. I'm very sorry. At 22 months I was in the same exact type of position. It's an unbearable experience. Somehow I just kept hanging on and eventually got to the point I'm at now where I feel mostly recovered more than half the time.

 

If you're at your wits end, there are some supplements that can help. It may be a controversial subject here, but, when you're where you are, they can help keep you from making a bad decision in my opinion. When I was at 22 months I unsuccessfully tried to follow through and ended up in a psych ward for 2 months. I can truly appreciate where you're at

 

The most effective supplement I've found in 5 years is wild lettuce.  It has pain relieving and anti inflammatory properties similar to ibuprofen.  Based on my experience,  it's more effective than ibuprofen, with less side effects. For some reason it settles my nerves when I'm having a wave. It also allows me to sleep and relieves tinnitus

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trying2B, thank you so much for your posts. I want to write more to you, but I just can't function at the moment. I appreciate your posts much more than I can put into words.

 

I feel your pain. I'm very sorry. At 22 months I was in the same exact type of position. It's an unbearable experience. Somehow I just kept hanging on and eventually got to the point I'm at now where I feel mostly recovered more than half the time.

 

In my 9 years on this website, I've learned alot about this illness along with many techniques/supplements which may help.

 

If you're at your end, there are some supplements that can help. It may be a controversial subject here, but, when you're where you are, they can help keep you from making a bad decision in my opinion. When I was at 22 months I unsuccessfully tried to follow through and ended up in a psych ward for 2 months. I can truly appreciate where you're at

 

Patriot, thanks so much. May I ask whether you had severe anxiety still at 22 months? I've never had a window from it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[a8...]

Trying2B, thank you so much for your posts. I want to write more to you, but I just can't function at the moment. I appreciate your posts much more than I can put into words.

 

I feel your pain. I'm very sorry. At 22 months I was in the same exact type of position. It's an unbearable experience. Somehow I just kept hanging on and eventually got to the point I'm at now where I feel mostly recovered more than half the time.

 

In my 9 years on this website, I've learned alot about this illness along with many techniques/supplements which may help.

 

If you're at your end, there are some supplements that can help. It may be a controversial subject here, but, when you're where you are, they can help keep you from making a bad decision in my opinion. When I was at 22 months I unsuccessfully tried to follow through and ended up in a psych ward for 2 months. I can truly appreciate where you're at

 

Patriot, thanks so much. May I ask whether you had severe anxiety still at 22 months? I've never had a window from it.

 

My anxiety was so severe that it got to the point where I went emotionally numb. Most terrifying experience of my life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank God, you get it. I'm psychotic with anxiety now 24/7. I feel like offing myself every second of the day, the phobias are so bad. When did it start to lift for you?
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trying2B, thank you so much for your posts. I want to write more to you, but I just can't function at the moment. I appreciate your posts much more than I can put into words.

 

I feel your pain. I'm very sorry. At 22 months I was in the same exact type of position. It's an unbearable experience. Somehow I just kept hanging on and eventually got to the point I'm at now where I feel mostly recovered more than half the time.

 

In my 9 years on this website, I've learned alot about this illness along with many techniques/supplements which may help.

 

If you're at your end, there are some supplements that can help. It may be a controversial subject here, but, when you're where you are, they can help keep you from making a bad decision in my opinion. When I was at 22 months I unsuccessfully tried to follow through and ended up in a psych ward for 2 months. I can truly appreciate where you're at

 

Patriot, thanks so much. May I ask whether you had severe anxiety still at 22 months? I've never had a window from it.

 

My anxiety was so severe that it got to the point where I went emotionally numb. Most terrifying experience of my life

 

Also, can you tell me more about the supplements?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[a8...]
Yeah. That's how I was. Anything with pain relieving properties seems to help. Wild lettuce is the most effective IMO. It shuts off the mind, helps insomnia, relieves pain along with muscle tension. I get mine from Amazon for like $15. Corydalis is a good one too. It may relieve your "psychotic" feelings. It acts as a dopamine antagonist.  And if all else fails, valerian root. Valerian root acts on gaba. They call it "nature's valium". I took it a handful of times about a year back and it definitely felt like a benzo. That's the one I'd be hesitant with since it acts on gaba
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, Wildflower. I'm also unwell, maybe not suicidal. Cause I'm afraid the end is nearing for us anyway here in Europe. And there is nothing I can do. I feel totally helpless and lost.

 

My marriage fell apart long time ago. This is not something one cannot survive.

 

Yes, I know what it means to be psychotic. I often question my thoughts. What is real? What is my imagination? Everyone has their own Hell. Their own Darkness. It is important to understand it and how it affects one's way of thinking. The biggest mistake one can make is to reject one's own Darkness. Everyone has two sides, like the moon.

 

As to my being "psychotic". Like two days ago, I started to suspect that COVID could be used as a bioweapon. That we might be having the Third World War now. With Europe being the primary target. This is where I happen to live. My Grandfather survived the horrors as a prisoner of war in the Nazi military camp. The complete loss of hope. Going on in spite of everything. Having lost all faith in the human nature.

 

I guess I have started feeling a lot like people did when the Second World War was starting to unfold. Maybe it's just my imagination. I really don't know.

 

I wasn't reading the social media. The thought occurred to me when examining the stats. I have always preferred to observe and analyze. Than to talk. And the data speaks for itself. But who knows. Maybe I'm being paranoid?

 

What if I'm also being paranoid when I lose trust in people. Is it my CPTSD? Or is it being rational and not taking things at face value? I don't know.

 

I don't have anxiety. Probably because I'm on fluoxetine. I'm also feeling like shit and completely unable to post anymore. I wrote all this because of the most wonderful gift a human being can possess. Empathy.

 

I just thought I could be useful if I offered a few words of support. Feelings are like visitors, they come and go.

 

You now feel despair and you may feel hope in a few hours. Feelings need to be observed, never acted upon. Just try to breathe deeply. Your feelings now are dark clouds. The breath is the wind that dissipates the clouds...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Wildflower,

 

I know you're in an extreme amount of pain, and I'm so glad your buddies have reached out to comfort you, but please be mindful of our policy against mention of self harm.  I understand there are no services where you live, but do you have family you can reach out to?  Please remember our forum members are suffering just as much as you are.

 

Thank you in advance for being sensitive to our other members and to respecting the rules of the forum.

 

Self Harm Resources

 

Pamster

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Pamster. I'll do that.

 

I do not have family I can reach out to, no.

 

I apologise if my post was upsetting to other members.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi lovely,

 

Please try and hold on. I know you are doing your best to do that.

 

I so hope this is the big worsening before everything starts to ease for you.

 

I know Baylissa had a period much worse than acute before a lot of her symptoms just suddenly left so I hope that is what is happening for you.

 

Xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[a8...]

Thank God, you get it. I'm psychotic with anxiety now 24/7. I feel like offing myself every second of the day, the phobias are so bad. When did it start to lift for you?

 

It started lifting at about 2.5 years in. Since then, I've been seeing gradual improvements. At 22 months there were no windows. Now. At 6 years, 3-4 windows per week. I kindled on a high dose of xanax combined with alcohol and suboxone, so my brain was slightly more compromised

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ajusta - I know you're having a very rough time of it yourself. I often want to write something to you that could help, but mostly I no longer know what to say.... I hope you'll keep hanging in there with me. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me. It means a lot. Sending you love and strength. xxx

 

It started lifting at about 2.5 years in. Since then, I've been seeing gradual improvements. At 22 months there were no windows. Now. At 6 years, 3-4 windows per week. I kindled on a high dose of xanax combined with alcohol and suboxone, so my brain was slightly more compromised

 

Patriot, this really helps me, thank you. I know you went through hell.... No windows here either, but I'm hoping to see more in the third year, towards 2.5 or so (alcohol and kindling here, too). I could handle that. Baylissa also said to me that the first 2 years can be like this for some people. Even very gradual improvements/lifts would be better than this godforsaken limbo. I'm so glad you've come so far and I admire that you take the time to encourage others who are struggling. Wishing you the very best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, Wildflower. I'm also unwell, maybe not suicidal. Cause I'm afraid the end is nearing for us anyway here in Europe. And there is nothing I can do. I feel totally helpless and lost.

 

My marriage fell apart long time ago. This is not something one cannot survive.

 

Yes, I know what it means to be psychotic. I often question my thoughts. What is real? What is my imagination? Everyone has their own Hell. Their own Darkness. It is important to understand it and how it affects one's way of thinking. The biggest mistake one can make is to reject one's own Darkness. Everyone has two sides, like the moon.

 

As to my being "psychotic". Like two days ago, I started to suspect the Chinese could be using COVID as a bioweapon. That we might be having the Third World War now. With Europe being the primary target. This is where I happen to live. My Grandfather survived the horrors as a prisoner of war in the Nazi military camp. The complete loss of hope. Going on in spite of everything. Having lost all faith in the human nature.

 

I guess I have started feeling a lot like people did when the Second World War was starting to unfold. Maybe it's just my imagination. I really don't know.

 

I wasn't reading the social media. The thought occurred to me when examining the stats. I have always preferred to observe and analyze. Than to talk. And the data speaks for itself. But who knows. Maybe I'm being paranoid?

 

What if I'm also being paranoid when I lose trust in people. Is it my CPTSD? Or is it being rational and not taking things at face value? I don't know.

 

I don't have anxiety. Probably because I'm on fluoxetine. I'm also feeling like shit and completely unable to post anymore. I wrote all this because of the most wonderful gift a human being can possess. Empathy.

 

I just thought I could be useful if I offered a few words of support. Feelings are like visitors, they come and go.

 

You now feel despair and you may feel hope in a few hours. Feelings need to be observed, never acted upon. Just try to breathe deeply. Your feelings now are dark clouds. The breath is the wind that dissipates the clouds...

 

Estee, I'm sorry, I lost track of posts amidst all the craziness. I am so sorry you are also feeling lost. These times are incredibly confusing.

 

I know these are just words, but I honestly don't believe this is the end for us, in Europe or elsewhere...perhaps the end of how things used to be.... My grandparents were also prisoners of war, in concentration camps...we are all from traumatized generations, a traumatized planet. And maybe this virus will wake more of us up to how inter-dependent/connected all of us really are, and to what truly matters....

 

As humans, we still have the choice to turn it around. But like you, I watch and observe. And I'm not convinced the majority will make the right choice, sadly, so that's where the end-time scenario might win out. The jury's out on wisdom and compassion. Personally, I don't see enough evidence of those qualities. And the world cannot go on in the insane, uncaring way it has been going for so long.

 

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts. They helped me, mostly because I feel the same sense of helplessness and bewilderment that you describe. And I find it hard to put that into words right now. Yes, I also find it almost impossible to believe in human goodness still. But each time someone like you reaches out (in empathy, as you say), that small candle of belief in kindness stays lit.... So thank you from my heart, Estee.

 

BTW, I notice you changed the quotes under your sig. Love all of them, especially the Sartre (then Jung). The Shakespeare reminds me of my two favourites by Tolkien:

 

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

 

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed be the blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.”

 

*******************************

 

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

 

Love to you and Kitty, Estee.

(PS I have a new little fur-ball baby girl coming in June!!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wildflower, my dear friend!  :hug:

 

I write here, because PM sometimes feels like you should write a reply. And I don't want you to feel that way.

 

But if you want to write PM, here I am. And I am not afraid of profanties, other ugly words or dark thoughts. Sometimes I am in your situation too.

 

:smitten:      :mybuddy:      :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wildflower, my dear friend!  :hug:

 

I write here, because PM sometimes feels like you should write a reply. And I don't want you to feel that way.

 

But if you want to write PM, here I am. And I am not afraid of profanites, other ugly words or dark thoughts. Sometimes I am in your situation too.

 

:smitten:      :mybuddy:      :smitten:

 

Anna, you're a delight to me!  ;D:laugh: You've just summarised one of the reasons I like you so much. Sometimes we just gotta wade through the sh*t.... I'm glad you're wading with me -- can't think of a better partner-in-crime!

 

:mybuddy:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wildflower, my dear friend!  :hug:

 

I write here, because PM sometimes feels like you should write a reply. And I don't want you to feel that way.

 

But if you want to write PM, here I am. And I am not afraid of profanites, other ugly words or dark thoughts. Sometimes I am in your situation too.

 

:smitten:      :mybuddy:      :smitten:

 

Anna, you're a delight to me!  ;D:laugh: You've just summarised one of the reasons I like you so much. Sometimes we just gotta wade through the sh*t.... I'm glad you're wading with me -- can't think of a better partner-in-crime!

 

:mybuddy:

 

 

Oh yeah! We have lived a very polite and humble life. But now there are new times, and there is much to explore!  >:D

 

I love you as a friend!

 

:smitten:      :mybuddy:      :smitten: :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...