I feel so ugly.

Hi guys,

I feel really ugly. I have a fat gut on me and literally no muscle, even though I smash the workouts.

Any advice?

Dave.

I had a difficult time looking at myself in the mirror for a few months.  I didn't like what I saw.  That's pretty typical during withdrawal  So I just brushed it's hair and tried to get on with the day. 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself.  All of this will get better.  If you can learn to be OK with yourself now, imagine the future...

I had a difficult time looking at myself in the mirror for a few months.  I didn't like what I saw.  That's pretty typical during withdrawal  So I just brushed it's hair and tried to get on with the day. 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself.  All of this will get better.  If you can learn to be OK with yourself now, imagine the future...

Thank you badsocref. I think I just have to stop comparing myself with others. I had this problem prior to benzos, so if I can just get on with the day in a positive light, it might be better for me in the long run. The benzo crap may, just may be a blessing in disguise.

Dave.

I can totally relate to comparing myself to others.  It is a terrible habit, maybe mental issue all of it's own.  I self isolated, prior to the virus, because I would get jealous and feel bad about myself if a friend would have something good to report.  Isn't that awful? 

All my muscles wasted pretty much over night from WD when was still able to do some exercise.

You're eating the wrong foods then. Too many carbs and sugars which turns straight to fat. Plus just doing weights won't fix that. You should smash cardio constantly to lose the fat first...then worry about putting muscle back on after. You can't do both at the same time. If you lose some fat you will lose some muscle with it to. Fact.

Crowman, I saw your photo and thought what a very handsome man you are! I believe that your perceptions of how you look are being caused by your "benzo brain." Your perceptions are off right now, and trust me, you are not ugly at all. NOT!

 

I went through something similar. I looked oin a mirror and saw this "old hag with light brown hair." I never had light brown hair! My hair used to be very curly and black! I wore it in a modified white lady's Afro for years.

 

What I did not get was that white hairs had then mixed with black hairs, causing it to look light brown. That IS benzo brain. And that is why you feel ugly and old.

 

If you are able to do work outs, I feel you can let this worry and fear just GO. Way to go, man.

And yes, I find you remarkably handsome!

east

You're eating the wrong foods then. Too many carbs and sugars which turns straight to fat. Plus just doing weights won't fix that. You should smash cardio constantly to lose the fat first...then worry about putting muscle back on after. You can't do both at the same time. If you lose some fat you will lose some muscle with it to. Fact.

Hi Shamo3,

I struggle to do any type of cardio at the moment. I can do a light run, but that's about it, the moment I run hardcore, my heart thumps into overdrive and I get very dizzy.

I'm not really fat, I'll admit I wrote this during a pretty bad wave, but I don't have a six-pack anymore, and I don't know whether I'll get it back. It just gets me down when I see other really toned, attractive men and women running past or working out, who are stupidly fit, healthy and good looking, and then there's Average Joe - me.

Dave.

Crowman, I saw your photo and thought what a very handsome man you are! I believe that your perceptions of how you look are being caused by your "benzo brain." Your perceptions are off right now, and trust me, you are not ugly at all. NOT!

 

I went through something similar. I looked oin a mirror and saw this "old hag with light brown hair." I never had light brown hair! My hair used to be very curly and black! I wore it in a modified white lady's Afro for years.

 

What I did not get was that white hairs had then mixed with black hairs, causing it to look light brown. That IS benzo brain. And that is why you feel ugly and old.

 

If you are able to do work outs, I feel you can let this worry and fear just GO. Way to go, man.

And yes, I find you remarkably handsome!

east

Annie... you are too kind! Thank you so much!

Dave.

the way we see ourselves can change no matter how you really look like. I now love my body so truly and it is not as pretty as it has been before I was put on meds. I still see the marks and the edema - but this body was the vehicle which brought me through hell. It is my best friend. I do what I can to please it and to care for it. I am wonderful and beautiful. I wished I had seen that in times I was beautiful and perfect from the outside, - but it does not matter. My body and I - best buddies now. We enjoy each other.

 

Since I feel this way people are attracted to me. No matter my dark circles under the eye, no matter how I look, its the spirit. And the love I have for myself.

 

Try to find one thing you do not hate and celebrate it. You have such a nice and charming smile - I am sure you can discover many nice things not only about how you look, more about what your body can deliver you. Its a relationship, man! you have to get a date and work for it

 

Marigold

the way we see ourselves can change no matter how you really look like. I now love my body so truly and it is not as pretty as it has been before I was put on meds. I still see the marks and the edema - but this body was the vehicle which brought me through hell. It is my best friend. I do what I can to please it and to care for it. I am wonderful and beautiful. I wished I had seen that in times I was beautiful and perfect from the outside, - but it does not matter. My body and I - best buddies now. We enjoy each other.

 

Since I feel this way people are attracted to me. No matter my dark circles under the eye, no matter how I look, its the spirit. And the love I have for myself.

 

Try to find one thing you do not hate and celebrate it. You have such a nice and charming smile - I am sure you can discover many nice things not only about how you look, more about what your body can deliver you. Its a relationship, man! you have to get a date and work for it

 

Marigold

Thank you so much Marigold! This means a lot to me!

 

Dave.

the way we see ourselves can change no matter how you really look like. I now love my body so truly and it is not as pretty as it has been before I was put on meds. I still see the marks and the edema - but this body was the vehicle which brought me through hell. It is my best friend. I do what I can to please it and to care for it. I am wonderful and beautiful. I wished I had seen that in times I was beautiful and perfect from the outside, - but it does not matter. My body and I - best buddies now. We enjoy each other.

 

Since I feel this way people are attracted to me. No matter my dark circles under the eye, no matter how I look, its the spirit. And the love I have for myself.

 

Try to find one thing you do not hate and celebrate it. You have such a nice and charming smile - I am sure you can discover many nice things not only about how you look, more about what your body can deliver you. Its a relationship, man! you have to get a date and work for it

 

Marigold

Thank you so much Marigold! This means a lot to me!

 

Dave.

 

I search people who truly love themselves. Cause they can give me the love I want, true love. If they can handle themselves with all the edges and mistakes and the body they were given, - I do not have to be afraid of anything that could happen in my life. They will stay with me and together we will overcome everything.

Keep us updated how your new relationship is developing! (the one with yourself)

What a lovely, caring thread this is! Reading it is inspiring.

 

I have always struggled with "body image" distortions. I used to be obese. Massively so. I had weight loss surgery in 2003 and lost over 150 lbs. Talk about a weird trip! I went from being so obese to being too thin. But that pales in light of what I went through getting off benzos.

Its easy to spot MY patterns here. Food was a drug for me. And I ate way too much of it.  Then I discovered benzos and the real disaster began to unfold that very day except I did not know it WOULD be a disaster. I do now.

 

All of us have to look at OUR patterns of drug use, food use, alcohol use and figure out what we have to do to get well again. It will be a bit different for all of us, except that we know benzo people basically have similar wd symptoms.

Doing this work was very difficult for me, as I had to face stuff I had ignored for many years.

HUGE HUG to ALL of you!

east

What a lovely, caring thread this is! Reading it is inspiring.

 

I have always struggled with "body image" distortions. I used to be obese. Massively so. I had weight loss surgery in 2003 and lost over 150 lbs. Talk about a weird trip! I went from being so obese to being too thin. But that pales in light of what I went through getting off benzos.

Its easy to spot MY patterns here. Food was a drug for me. And I ate way too much of it.  Then I discovered benzos and the real disaster began to unfold that very day except I did not know it WOULD be a disaster. I do now.

 

All of us have to look at OUR patterns of drug use, food use, alcohol use and figure out what we have to do to get well again. It will be a bit different for all of  :yippee:us, except that we know benzo people basically have similar wd symptoms.

Doing this work was very difficult for me, as I had to face stuff I had ignored for many years.

HUGE HUG to ALL of you!

east

 

thank you very encouraging though... I still have these little moments, stepping out of the bathroom passing by a mirror (naked) having a look and then I can count 1 millisecond in which I get thoughts like "oh dear... look at THAT" but then something else in my brain jumps in and says "well, THIS is you, and the situation will not become better, so better you love it now and not in some years:-)" or "yes, THAT is a belly, and THIS is a smile" and then I give myself a flirty smile and do some sexy moves, which are so ridicoulous that I have to laugh and while laughing I can see myself in the mirror and we both reconnect. And then I turn around in front of the mirror and I tell myself what I love about my body - and I say thanks to the parts I dont like the most, because well, without them, I would not walk around!

being a person that struggled (still does) with self-image and self love, I understand how you feel. Plus all this benzo crap makes us feel older/"dried out"/ consumed. I don't know what other adjectives to put in here...but I totally understand.

I suffered from bulimia because I BELIEVED some stupid boyfriend who told me I was getting fat, so i started to see myself fat in the mirror and pictures.

I felt ugly in high school because I had big eyebrows and people use to make fun of me, now it's a "trend" ....can you believe it? I learned to accept myself and love myself as I am. I still think about getting some surgery done when I turn 40 because I don't want to end with a saggy face, etc. I am traumatized because my joints are stiff and I can't lift weights anymore....so much going on in our heads... you are a beautiful human being just the way you are and TRY not to compare yourself to others, the gym can be a tricky place.....also stay away from magazines, media, etc... it helped me

 

p.s. you are not ugly!!!!!

@[bl...]

 

Great advice!  I’m too stiff and weak to do much, but I try to do something every day.  Part of my recovery has been to learn to let things go and not be so fussy about everything all the time. 

 

I go the gym in the winter because it is too cold to be outside, but I really hate going most of the time.  It’s a noisy, stressful environment most of the time. 

 

Best wishes to everyone here.  Keep pushing, the improvements will come. 

@blossom

 

Great advice!  I’m too stiff and weak to do much, but I try to do something every day.  Part of my recovery has been to learn to let things go and not be so fussy about everything all the time. 

 

I go the gym in the winter because it is too cold to be outside, but I really hate going most of the time.  It’s a noisy, stressful environment most of the time. 

 

Best wishes to everyone here.  Keep pushing, the improvements will come.

thank you for the good vibes

acceptance and self love is the best medicine. We will get better!!

I am doing "some" yoga and stretching a lot. I say "some" because some of the poses are very difficult for me because of my stiffness, so I'm taking an online course with a teacher and it's good to be home because that way I am not pushing myself to do things others do only because I don't want to look like a fool or a "weird" one. I find gyms and workout classes (basically gathering exercise) a little bit annoying, teachers (at least all of the teachers I've been with or talked too) have no idea about the stiffness some people may have or find it "abnormal" plus I have a little bit of joint inflammation and have to be careful with aggressive or quick movements. I got tired of being stared at....... or pointed at Sorry about the rant, but I honestly prefer to workout alone haha.

 

We will get better

 

much love guys

 

Blossom

hey dave feel free to pm me if you would like i have been lifting weights for a long time on and  off........  i have a ton of knowledge  that could help you lose the gut and gain muscle  i am a 33 year old male i recently started lifting again in November after 2 plus years of not lifting i was in a bad place and lost all my muscle and was standing at 5'7ft  127 pounds i was very weak and have a bad right shoulder  but slowly i started my old workout regime with light weight and half the exercises till i was able to get back to doing all the exercises of one lift now here i am 7 months later and i have put of 20 lbs of muscle and have alot of my strength back i will be adding in cardio and boxing soon also  its not a easy road  just because you lift weights does not mean you will gain muscle a lot of what you put in your body go get out (food)  and as for losing the gut i am sad to say as for fat  ........  the stomach is one of the last places it comes of off  but i am postiive if you do the right things you can get there  feel free to pm me for any advice bud 

hey dave feel free to pm me if you would like i have been lifting weights for a long time on and  off........  i have a ton of knowledge  that could help you lose the gut and gain muscle  i am a 33 year old male i recently started lifting again in November after 2 plus years of not lifting i was in a bad place and lost all my muscle and was standing at 5'7ft  127 pounds i was very weak and have a bad right shoulder  but slowly i started my old workout regime with light weight and half the exercises till i was able to get back to doing all the exercises of one lift now here i am 7 months later and i have put of 20 lbs of muscle and have alot of my strength back i will be adding in cardio and boxing soon also  its not a easy road  just because you lift weights does not mean you will gain muscle a lot of what you put in your body go get out (food)  and as for losing the gut i am sad to say as for fat  ........  the stomach is one of the last places it comes of off  but i am postiive if you do the right things you can get there  feel free to pm me for any advice bud

Hi jumpman23,

Thanks a lot man, I will keep you posted!

 

Update: I have grown back a fair bit of muscle. My biceps are bigger than ever and I'm getting back to lifting what I used to, if not a bit more. My confidence has come back tenfold. I am still on the meds with a looooooong hold (due to reducing far too quickly and too many tapering stuff-ups), but things are starting to get back to baseline, which is great! I'm working with my GP and psych and things are going pretty good!

 

Dave. 

hey dave feel free to pm me if you would like i have been lifting weights for a long time on and  off........  i have a ton of knowledge  that could help you lose the gut and gain muscle  i am a 33 year old male i recently started lifting again in November after 2 plus years of not lifting i was in a bad place and lost all my muscle and was standing at 5'7ft  127 pounds i was very weak and have a bad right shoulder  but slowly i started my old workout regime with light weight and half the exercises till i was able to get back to doing all the exercises of one lift now here i am 7 months later and i have put of 20 lbs of muscle and have alot of my strength back i will be adding in cardio and boxing soon also  its not a easy road  just because you lift weights does not mean you will gain muscle a lot of what you put in your body go get out (food)  and as for losing the gut i am sad to say as for fat  ........  the stomach is one of the last places it comes of off  but i am postiive if you do the right things you can get there  feel free to pm me for any advice bud

Hi jumpman23,

Thanks a lot man, I will keep you posted!

 

Update: I have grown back a fair bit of muscle. My biceps are bigger than ever and I'm getting back to lifting what I used to, if not a bit more. My confidence has come back tenfold. I am still on the meds with a looooooong hold (due to reducing far too quickly and too many tapering stuff-ups), but things are starting to get back to baseline, which is great! I'm working with my GP and psych and things are going pretty good!

 

Dave. 

 

Great job, Dave!!

Dave, I know how you feel. I felt the same way. I did not know it back then, but my perceptions of how I looked were being badly affected by benzo wd. These weird perceptions are sort of a mild form of hallucinations. VERY normal when you go off benzos, Because I had had REAL hallucinations it took me a while to figure out why I looked in my mirror and saw what I did see.

 

All of your critical senses are present with this sort of thinking and feeling. Benzo wd may make tyou far more critical of yourself than is normal for you. You have to remind yourself that benzo wd DOES this weird stuff. You have not gone insane. No matter how weird you think and feel! Benzo wd DOES that, Dave. I saw your photo (I assume that smiling guy is you...?" You are a really nice looking guy. That smile is wonderful!  You may tell me that photo was taken years ago, but I can tell you that doesnt matter a bit. When I was younger I was stunningly beautiful. Time took that away but at 70 I am still nice looking for my age.

No matter what your mind tells you, you are still YOU. A bit damaged due to benzos, but that will heal in time. Eventually you will become the man you always was.

east

your welcome dave anything i can do to help..... i the post you said belly fat was an issue but running is out of the question because of heart problems due to withdrawal  i  just wanted to add losing belly fat does not require running like a pro athlete yes if you can do  it great you will get results faster but you can lose belly fat easy just by walking on a high incline  at 3 to 4 miles per hour it will not race your heart like jogging or running will my best advice is if you can do  it  would be fasted cardio ......  eat normally but after you sleep wake up and get on the treadmill on an empty stomach  bring a bottle or 2 or water  start slow to build stamina even if you can only walk on the highest incline for 10 mins its a start then every time after try and add 1 more min  you'll get there bud

I don't you look ugly at all. I feel the same right now when I tapering Valium. I feel really ugly looking into the mirror. Like, why do I look so ugly, I am thinking when I see myself.