Fear of acting normal

Hi all,

 

Figured I'd write something that is more philosophical than status-related.  I remember at my 4 month mark that I had this bizarre fear of acting like everything was fine.  Going to work, eating food, going on walks, interacting with the family.  All of those things terrified me more than the idea of just sitting in my bed in the dark.  After thinking on this, I understand why.

 

We all know that it's important to get out of the dark, to go back to living our lives despite the pain.  This is so we don't just sit back and dwell on things and remain alone with our dark thoughts.  But it's a bit paradoxical that we'd fear acting like everything is ok.  So why did this drive me to panic attacks when I tried to act normal?  I think it's because I wanted people to know what I was going through.  I was terrified that acting normally would lead people to believe that I'm ok and that there's nothing to worry about.  I liken it to the nightmare scenario of waking up and being chained to a bed, demanding to be let go, and then "the authorities" come in and gently say, "sir, everything is fine, you need to calm down" while they slowly place an ether rag over my mouth.  Terrifying picture right?

 

I think my panic from acting normal was generated by the fear of "nobody believing I'm in hell".  That somehow if I acted normal, I was denying that this had a hold on me and that somehow that would negate the need for recovery (i.e. if I acted normal, I'd be stuck in this hell for all time).

 

It's still important to go about our daily lives, so I was determined to find a way to do it without denying that I was in hell.  So instead, when I went about my daily routine, I did it with the message in my head "doing these things does not change the fact that I'm in a world of pain".  It turns out that just accepting our circumstance, acknowledging that this is the worst thing we've ever felt in our lives, reduces the anxiety from the dichotomy of "living normally through it".

 

Not sure if much of this makes sense.  But this is how I returned to work, slowly over time.  At first, my return to work was full of panic, but eventually I grew accustomed to being at work during a wave.  I no longer panic from getting a wave at work.  I tell myself that "yes this is by far the worst I've felt, there's no denying it".  And eventually things subside.

 

Anyway, hope this helps others.  It's definitely a bizarre feeling to fear normalcy.  But living normally is necessary.  We need to work, stay healthy, and fail our way through this.  It sucks but ultimately it is good for our healing.

I think I can relate to some of this, I had to act normal at work too and I faked it pretty well, but I wanted (needed) those close to me to know I was still in pain.  I guess it was good that my friends, co-workers and family 'thought' I was better but I needed some of them to know I wasn't.  It's weird to think about now because when I'd let them know I wasn't better, I'd get the disbelief I'd gotten all along, so why did I need them to know? 

 

I guess it's the same reason, I wanted them to understand what had happened, how I was suffering and they never could, no one can unless they live it like we do. 

 

Mmm, interesting subject. 

Yeah, you make a great point.  I think it comes down to part of us wanting someone else to take care of us.  We're wounded.  Injured.  And at our worst, we're unable to take care of ourselves.  There's some comfort in having someone (or multiple someones) knowing what's going on and having sympathy.

I have bizarre fears Ie: afraid of thinking, afraid of bothering people, afraid of burdening people, afraid of dwelling on the past...

 

I rarely cared about anyone else and I dwell on the pain I’ve caused others while I was dependent on ADs and benzos.

 

I am In month 8 and hope to heal.

I learned that most people have this bizarre feeling when they start something totally new. no matter what they do. Starting a new life does never feel like "great" but most of the time bizarre. I think first you do the things simply with your body, like going to work.. the mind and brain follow later when they know its okey now, its safe. In the meantime we have these bizarre, paradoxic feelings.. For me, in the end I was looking for this feeling cause I knew making these things would bring me forward and that was a good decision.

Really nice post, feathercap. I so agree. Accepting that this is "just" benzo wd is very important as most of us tend to think we have some dreadful disease. Anything BUT benzo wd. Early on, BB told me to accept this but my brain then was incapable of grasping this idea. A few months later it began to make sense, so I tried to face it all head on. Accepting was was really hard for me. I fought it, I refused it, I almost gave up over this. But in the end, I just HAD to accept that it WAS "only benzo wd" and that in time I WOULD heal.

Guess what? I did heal. Just as BB told me I would.

east

Feathercap and others:

thanks of this post..I was actually thinking about this today. how do I eventually go back to functioning "normal". Someone told me that eventually if you just do something the feelings will follow, that eventually it will feel normal again. When you've been so "our of whack" so to speak for over a year, its like you don't even know how to do things anymore. I'm still early on in WD, but its weird. I can do dishes and laundry no problem. But when other expectations or demands are put on me I literally have anxiety/panic and can feel my body lock up. I know logically there is nothing to fear, but it seems that "expectations" are a trigger for me. I'd love to go back to work someday, but then this fear comes in" what if you can't handle it.. what if  you break down again..etc". I used to be the tackle everything girl...I don't need to be that person again - I just want to be functional again outside of the home.

thanks for the hope that this comes back...but it sounds like when the time comes Ill just need to take a step of faith and eventually my brain will catch up with my body and "know" that it is safe.

Feathercap and others:

thanks of this post..I was actually thinking about this today. how do I eventually go back to functioning "normal". Someone told me that eventually if you just do something the feelings will follow, that eventually it will feel normal again. When you've been so "our of whack" so to speak for over a year, its like you don't even know how to do things anymore. I'm still early on in WD, but its weird. I can do dishes and laundry no problem. But when other expectations or demands are put on me I literally have anxiety/panic and can feel my body lock up. I know logically there is nothing to fear, but it seems that "expectations" are a trigger for me. I'd love to go back to work someday, but then this fear comes in" what if you can't handle it.. what if  you break down again..etc". I used to be the tackle everything girl...I don't need to be that person again - I just want to be functional again outside of the home.

thanks for the hope that this comes back...but it sounds like when the time comes Ill just need to take a step of faith and eventually my brain will catch up with my body and "know" that it is safe.

 

 

.. exactly. There might be lots of situations in which you will think "why is everyone here acting normal... I feel weird". This will get better with time. I personally noticed that the process went faster the more I pushed myself doing the normal things. Shopping, being under people... But hell this was weird.

Thank you for posting this. It makes complete sense to me and you all have described it so well. I keep telling myself the same thing, too, that if I just force myself from muscle and mental memory to shop, pay bills, laundry, go outside, be "as normal" as possible, that in time everything else will follow. I remember someone posting a comment from someone who had survived the Holocaust saying that they just kept on living until they felt alive again. I've always remembered that and remind myself of that too.