30 Days Ativan free

Somedays I feel almost human again!

By the time I got down to 20 micrograms of Ativan the severe Gastro problems that I have been chasing around for the last 13 years are slowly ending. I have gained 10 pounds in a month and I can eat again/anything. Every night for the last 13 years I was in intense pain/bloated/miserable. Did all the tests, and saw all the specialists. I can't believe how much better this is almost overnight. I am cautious to celebrate because it went on for so long, but it feels damn near like a miracle. Insomnia/yes but all I can say is that I am having some decent nights/not many/ but I average around 4 hrs a night with some still up all nighters from the rapid taper and pre-existing problems with sleep. I am using cannabis in light doses and eventually may move away from that also. But as long as it helps I do not fear this particular drug by comparison. I am working through obsessive thoughts/looping/mild tinnitus/nerve pain/agitation on occasion, that is progressively getting better(Some days I feel nothing, and some days I feel and fear everything). I would be lying if I said I wasn't dealing with a certain amount of anger over stolen years. I grieve for the lost years. Each week I feel a little better. I am getting little runs of days where I am very clear, energized and optimistic. I wouldn't recommend a 90 day taper after 6 years of Ativan to anyone, but for me after researching your site and finding that it was these drugs that all along had destroyed my life. My disgust for Benzo's outweighed any fear of what might happen down the road.

I just came off of two really clear/normal days. Good days! Today, not so much but I know this is normal/my new normal. But it is amazing what we have to accept as normal!

Peace

Congratulations! I'm so happy that you sometimes feel better! 

 

I'm in awe of what you've accomplished.  I'm working on an ativan taper myself.  I do liquid microtaper for now with holds as needed.  Congratulations on your success. 

Way to go Critical-K,

I am so happy that you are now free of the poison! Yes it is early days but there are so many better days ahead of you!  Wishing you continued windows of healing after 13 years of Hell! ❤

Hi CriticalK,

 

I’m 21 days off of Ativan, so glad to hear your update.

 

I had a rough weekend but a bit better today—especially after finding this website.  I used Ambien one night during the past three weeks to help me sleep.  Last night I had a few drinks to calm my nerves but no way I am ever taking Ativan.  The past three weeks were hell, as was the taper process.

 

The withdrawal symptoms are definitely much weaker, but still noticeable.  If I could just sleep solidly I think I would feel better.  I’ve also noticed red splotches on my skin after showering. Tinnitus hasn’t been bad and the watery eyes have cleared up.  Still feeling a bit weak and unmotivated but have forced myself to go to the gym a few times a week. Yesterday I just walked on the treadmill briskly for 50min...that’s all I could do.

 

Please keep in touch as I am interested in hearing how your progress is going.

Finding a new normal:

 

It seems that post withdrawal, myself and others are always asking when will I feel normal again. After 20 years of this nightmare I can no longer remember what it was like, or what my normal felt like. It's gone. When I took my first Benzo I was struggling with sleep. Five sleep studies that really didn't tell me anything. So as usual the benzo was introduced as a therapeutic probe to see if it helped. It never helped. Not at all. But in desperation I continued to let the Neuro prescribe multiple benzo's and benzo stacks. I just wanted to return to my (normal life). When this first began I was a 45 year old natural bodybuilder who had been going to the gym for 20 years. The picture of health. Not really sure why I stopped sleeping when everything in my life at that time was going pretty well. I started to decline rapidly after the first year of benzo use. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and who better than a sleep specialist who could at least understand what you were going through. Little did I know that he was just holding me hostage to a medication that was not helping, but if he wasn't treating me he could not see me, even to talk. By the fourth year on benzo's I could no longer eat anything without extreme pain, bloating and constant belching that went on for hours every night as my weight slipped down to 118 pounds almost overnight. I was a shell of what I once was and there was no end in site. Every night for 14 years I sat with a heating pad on my stomach and just tried to survive the night knowing that by morning it would be like it never happened. And then it would return at the same time each night. Many tests, many specialists, no answers.

The tendons in my wrists and ankles swelled and burned at the slightest misstep. My bones burned internally so bad that it twisted me in my chair every night like a pretzel. My wrists would swell and burn so bad that it felt like I was being crucified. The pain many times got so intense that my brain could not take it and I would seize out. Usually the fall would cause even more injury and the cycle would repeat. I lived in fear of doing anything that could trigger this. And to make things even worse, prescribed opiates also triggered seizures so I was left with only ice bags and splints because the intense GI pain was worsened by Ibuprophen or other nsaids.

Constant mental and physical breakdowns. I started to feel there was only one way out of this and many of you know what I mean. So I prepared a kit so when the time came I could do what was necessary as cleanly as possible. I don't know how my poor wife put up with this insanity for so long. I went from working a full time job where I also taught classes at night to a completely disabled basket case of a human being thanks to this horrible drug. I don't post much. But I am here watching and my heart goes out to the many that are living this same nightmare because we trusted that "First they would do no harm". That they cared more for us than the bottom line. I was wrong and so were you. So on a positive note we must accept a new normal. Forget what we once were and rejoice in the small victories. I write this now because I am about 50+ days from my jump and I am improving. I can eat without fear. I am trying my best to exercise again however it is not easy. Mentally I am getting clearer and I have days that I almost cry when I go outside because it is like seeing the world for the first time after a long absence from reality. "I can eat again without pain". Such a simple thing, such a simple victory. My bones no longer burn with the intensity that I lived with for so long. With the help of Benedryal and cannabis I have slept for 5 hours a night for three days in a row. Incredible! I have not had a flare up in my ankles or wrists since my jump. But I am cautious because I still live in fear of this pain. You never forget how bad it can be when it's on you. But within the anger over years lost, I am thankful that there are caring people like the folks on this site that still value human existence enough to take the time to help those who can no longer rely on the so called medical professionals for truth and honesty. Thank you BB for all that you do. I am going to live. You are going to live. Stay the course and be willing to accept a new normal. At the end, maybe it will be a new improved version of yourself full of knowledge and hope.

Be well and thank you all for your replies.

 

Critical-K, what an inspiring story! Keep surfing those waves and enjoy the windows, life will only get better from here! Best wishes...

CriticalK

 

I just posted my 30 day update. 

Critikal K..I hear you about the grieving part... acceptance is so hard. how the hell do professionals NOT know about the effects of these drugs!how is pharma allowed to still produce these - or have no regulations?!!

 

I'm on day 10 ativan free after a year of use (and some earlier polydrugging last year). Glad to see you're 30 days and seeing improvements. I and others need posts like yours. Keep us all posted!

Congratulations! Thank you for posting your story. It really has helped me today as I prepare to make another cut in the next few days. I wish you continued healing!

 

Congratulations!