I am a Success Story, though I'm still healing (and you can be too).

Today marks 53 Days of benzo freedom.

The truth is, I got free from this medication well before I finished tapering off of it, and that's also how I succeeded.

I want to celebrate how I pulled myself out of the depths of despair and suffering and became an indestructible warrior, because that's what healing from Benzos can become, for those of us who have had others to light the way. Which is why I am back here on BenzoBuddies. I want to be a beacon of hope as I continue to heal.

The key to my continued success, despite whatever symptoms I am having, is always realizing that I am a success, regardless of outcomes. Say it with me, "I am a success, right here, right now." It's also in remembering my story, where I was, and how far I have come. It's in remembering how much courage it takes to survive this process and keep going. It's facing all the pain and misery I experience with curiosity and love, for this saved my life. It is surrendering to the difficult and oftentimes seemingly unbearable pain I am in, and remembering that I am healing from Benzos and it's 'normal' to experience all of this. I'm very proud of myself and all of us, no matter how 'healed' we are from the drugs. Because true healing isn't about symptoms, it's about finding inner peace and freedom regardless of what life brings us. And sometimes, (ok, most times) that looks and feels like a total mess.

If you are interested in reading a mini novel ( ), here I go...

The following is my complete story, in hopes that someone might find some courage and strength in it, somewhere. Also, because it's healing to speak and write our truth and have it witnessed and supported. So many of us are gaslighting ourselves, unconsciously, after being gaslit by the medical professional about what we are experiencing. The more we speak out, the more this will be likely to change, and the more people we help reach.

I went through many different iterations of benzo dependence and withdrawal, most of which I had no idea were happening, because I believed the medical system that told me I was just 'crazy.' I mean, I felt pretty crazy,  after all. I acted crazy quite often, and it got worse and worse until it snowballed into psychosis, eventually, as it does for so many of us.

I took my first Benzos 16 years ago when I went away to college. I was a very traumatized young woman who didn't know it, because I was so severely dissociated and disconnected from myself. Benzos felt like the answer to my nightmarish anxiety problems. After just a week, I abused them heavily, along with other substances. Before that, I had never even used a recreational drug, such is the power of these pills.

I went totally crazy and didn't know why (this is, to me, one of the most damaging aspects of the medication). I became an impulsive, self-destructive person. It was a complete personality flip, out of nowhere. I just assumed it was me. I ran out of pills and just stopped taking them. I had a suicide attempt shortly thereafter, and didn't put the two together. I had to drop out of my school and gave up on that dream. I ended up in post acute withdrawal and thought it was just 'depression.' I took antidepressants and then went off those too, eventually. I didn't touch a benzo again for 6 or 7 years.

Then one day, I woke up to the all abuse I had been through in my life. I started remembering everything. I ended up with severe CPTSD and got back on psych meds, including Benzos again, to deal with this debilitating experience. I didn't want to take pills but I was absolutely drowning in traumatic stress. I had no idea they would make everything worse. Eventually, I ended up with horrific chronic pain, multiple autoimmune illnesses, systemic inflammation and could hardly even walk at age 26.

I assumed I would be sick forever before I was even 28. The doctors just added pill on top of pill to treat symptoms of other pills they told me weren't related. I ended up having what I can only describe as a spiritual awakening and tapering off all of those meds, but not because I really knew how deeply they were harming my body. So, I also ended up taking Benzos off an on again, without abusing them, so I didn't think they were a 'problem'.

I didn't understand that the benzodiazepines were actually the main contributor to my mental illness. That I did have CPTSD, but that most of my symptoms and inability to heal were being caused by the drug. That I wasn't 'bipolar' or any of the other mysterious illnesses doctors thought I had but rarely found any evidence of (this was actually lucky).

After all, by that point, I had completed a degree in health-sciences. I believed that the medicine was helping me and I had a 'broken' mind. I was also fighting for my life. I now see that many patients are shamed for going off of psych meds and their worsening illness is blamed on non-compliance. I believe now that this isn't true, it's not the whole picture. I understand that putting these meds in my body was throwing fuel on a nervous system that was already on fire. For those of us with trauma, this is a dangerous and volatile combination. It's compounding a brain injury (trauma) with another one (iatrogenic). It's no wonder to me now that we go 'insane', with this level of damage to our systems.

Two years ago, when I was extremely broken down and a nervous wreck (also in post acute wd without knowing it) I was put on Ativan. It seemed I needed to increase the dose every couple of weeks. I wasn't taking it daily, and felt all over the place. Then one day, it just dawned on me that I was having what I now know is called 'interdose' withdrawal. I am actually grateful I got put on a shorter acting benzo than valium, because I may have never figured out what was causing all these problems. I may have bought the medical rhetoric and believed I was going fully insane. I probably wouldn't still be alive, it was that bad. I am healed enough to thank everything holy for that Ativan. I took it daily and felt stable. Then I started doing research and found BenzoBuddies.

I tried to crossover from Ativan to Valium overnight, because I listened to my psychiatrist and I wasn't able to trust this site fully, yet (I was pretty out of it!). I had a very hard time, lost 40 pounds in a month, and went off the deep end with my sanity again. I ended up in psychosis this time, ran off to Mexico doing god knows what. Assumed I was bipolar. Then after being hospitalized for a voluntary admit for sucidal ideation (when I crashed from all of that) I was harshly cold turkeyed off the meds on a forced psych hold (I was actually pretty stable before this, ironically). It was a deeply traumatic experience, but also, my fight response woke up with my will to live, and I got myself out of there. I had to take gabapentin so they would release me, and pretend I agreed that benzo withdrawal wasn't real. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life.

I guess it was my benzo rock-bottom. I was a total wreck in CT. I couldn't even type one sentence to tell people I was ok, my nervous system was so destroyed (now I'm a prize winning author!). I couldn't leave my room when I got home for months. My hair was falling out, and I was losing my mind (again, but worse than ever). I chose to reinstate and it was the right choice. I spent the rest of last year micro-tapering off the valium after I stabilized. Thank the universe for Builder, and BenzoBuddies, you all inspired me to save my life. During this time I also found the work of Dr. Kelly Brogan, holistic psychiatrist, and she had just launched an online group-coaching project that began right when I was feeling 'done' with life again. I am a lucky woman, in many respects.

I went through a total health reclamation with a community of people dedicated to exploring ways to soothe our nervous systems, support our bodies, and step into our power to heal our selves with the end goal of getting med free. I felt held by many people there, while exploring, in community, some really great tools and changes to my life to help support my taper and wellbeing. These included specific diet, meditation, mindset, and other lifestyle changes. None of which I am here to push on anyone else, I'll leave you to explore what's best for you, yourself. She has some excellent books, if it calls to you.

Mostly though, I stopped believing that it wasn't possible to heal from all of this. I stopped feeling helpless and victimized by a system of which I was once an actual victim. I stopped obsessing over all the awful symptoms and driving myself insane about healing. I let go and learned how to accept extremely difficult states of being without trying to push them away or run. I now see that regardless of the other changes I made, the most important one was rewriting the script that "I shouldn't be feeling (insert symptom or sensation)."

What I really have learned in all this is that healing is not a battle against our bodies or against benzodiazepines. Healing happens when we can stop, breathe, and turn towards our pain, regardless of it's cause. When we can learn to accept that the state we are in, however difficult, is reality and we are ok even when we are not. That the ground is still beneath us, there is air in our lungs, and our body cells are still holding themselves together. That it will end and is not a permanent state, because nothing ever is.

I practice this over and over, day after day. I have great windows now, and when I don't, I have great waves, too. Because I've trained myself to remember to stop when I'm spinning out in suffering again, and turn towards it. I've learned to take care of myself through the darkness and make space for it. I've learned that pain is something that life will always bring me, but that how much I suffer about it can be changed by surrendering to it. I've learned how to become a total warrior and I know that, as I continue to heal, I will be able to face anything life brings me with this grace.

Oddly enough, while I wouldn't ever take a benzo again, I am grateful for this lesson and the growth I've had. Even when I get hit by the withdrawals once more. I no longer see success as being some percentage of 'healed'. Because we are all so much mora than that and when I based my identity on it, I kept going insane. I've redefined it to mean how I show up when I'm not well...

I want to send so much love to all of you, wherever you find yourself on this path back home to yourself. May you find the tools that help you as you heal. May you be free from pain and suffering. May you be well and at ease. You are not alone, you can and will heal. You are not broken, your wholeness can be found within you no matter how fragmented this all makes you feel.  :smitten:

Hello Rose23,

Thank you for coming back and telling your story, I see a horrific journey but I can also see your strength shining through.  Your story will give hope to so many. 

Pamster

wow your strength made me cry!  Be well and warrior on!

B

                Thank you for coming back and writing  your story 

Nova  :smitten: