I came from being unable to go out, to travel alone

Hey guys,

It's been a long time I didn't return on BenzoBuddies.

I just wanted to bring you some hope to all of you who suffer from massive anxiety, even if I'm still not healed.

So, travelling has always been something I liked. I travelled alone several times prior, with the biggest challenge being alone in Thailand for an entire month.

After my withdrawal last july, I was strike with HUGE anxiety. I was scared about everything. I was scared to go out in case I had a panic attack. I couldn't deal with going in the city to see friends. I couldn't even put a feet in the subway. I had also claustrophobia.

I slowly worked on it since the very beggining. Going for a walk to the local supermarket. Then to the park. Then to the city. Then took the subway and local buses. Then the train. Then my car. And so on.

I decided to give it a try with travel and to challenge me last week by taking the plane to go to Romania. I already travelled there so it was reassuring. But I was always scared of taking the plane, so it was a big time. Here is what happened.

The day before my flight, I had a lot of stomach pain. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with colon inflammation, with a risk to get infected (caused by stress apparently) ... And to be forced to take antibiotics. After reading some post here, I was really scared of taking these meds. So I decided to adopt a drastic diet based on rice and veggie soup to ease the inflammation, despite Romania having so much good meals.

I went to the airport early in the morning and I was so scared of being sick far from home that I cried a lot and was shacking when I passed the boarding gates. I was convinced I would die somehow.

But I boarded the plane anyway. While crying all my heart from fear.

When we landed, I immediately knew I had to compromise with myself because I pushed my boundaries too much. I booked a return ticket to go home earlier. Since there weren't a lot of flights, it meant I had to suck it up for 3 days there. Alone. With an inflammation.

I suffered horrible bouts of depressive spells and anxiety. But I tried to stay in pilot mode and not thinking that much of what I was doing.

24h later, I was able to walk alone in the most haunted forest in the world, so I could take pictures to write about it on my blog.

48 hours later, I visited a salt mine, very deep underground. With no anxiety, just curiosity and "awww". Then I walked far away in the countryside just because I wanted to see typical romanian houses and farms.

72 hours later I flew back home. I had litteraly NO anxiety about the plane trip. I was just so relieved to be back home in my safety nest. I even felt asleep as soon as the plane left the ground.

Even if I had to shorten my trip to please my anxious brain, I'm proud of all the work I did for the last months which permitted me to travel again. The conditions, because of my sickness, where awful, but I managed to overcome my fears. I never thought it would be possible again.

So there's hope.

Now I think that I will lay down some rules to securise me in travelling until my anxiety completely vanishes:

- Travelling in cities with a lot of flights from my hometown in case I want to go back quickly. Or in cities not far away with international coaches.

- Travelling for 3 or 4 days and not a whole week which is too exhausting for my anxiety.

- Choosing destinations with flights not early in the morning to avoid stress from early commuting to the airport (also I had to get up at 4. AM to catch my flight and sleep deprivation agravates things)

- Stop forcing me into travelling if I don't want it. I wanted to prove something to myself and wasn't that much into this trip. So I had a hard time to plan the trip, to the point that when I landed in Romania I had absolutely no idea about how to go from the airport to the city. Which increased my anxiety a lot.

I perfectly know that a lot here would say that even without benzo withdrawal, they wouldn't do that. That's not the point. The point is that I managed to heal enough to be able to do what I used to do before.

Just like you will.

As I said, there's still room for improvment, especially for anxiety and depression induced by withdrawal in my case. But there it is, healing happens. Slowly. This trip is a proof.

What you did was huge, and what you learned through it is amazing, way to go!  You faced your fears but also accommodated them and saw some truly wonderful sights.

What I'm the most excited about is the fact that instead of making this trip a one time good deal, you're already putting in place the tools you'll use for the next time. 

I have feelings of intense anxiety too when I want to stabilize, but it's hard to make myself breathe well. Your travel tale is a wonderful example and you reminded me that I have driven around the country with just my dog a few years out from my own withdrawal. And I did face my fears and did it anyway too! And we're the stronger for doing it, and for surviving it too lol!!! Thank you,

ana