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Devastated and anxious


[Li...]

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I live alone and it is horrible for me, I need all the contact I can get atm. Only person with steady contact is my mom who lives next door. I was having terrible anxiety yesterday about this and decided to go talk to my mom about it. Instead of listening to me, she changed the subject constantly, I started getting angry and we had the biggest fight. She criticized me, told me to live out on the street if I cant live alone in my apartment, once I hit her arm because she kept going at me, and even then she didn´t stop. Kept on with cynical remarks and critical attacks. Then she said she could come over and "baby-sit" for me and that was it, I got up and left. She did nothing but degrade and put me down. We have been estranged before and I now again I/we dont want contact. Which means absolutely NO contact and isolation.

I was so upset I wound up taking an extra dose to calm me down, had sui thoughts too.

 

How can I continue with withdrawal like this? I dont think I will make it without any human contact and positive days in between.

 

Lizzie

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Lizzie -  :therethere:

 

I'm so sorry your mom was so mean to you yesterday.  Most people who have not been through it haven't a clue about how hard this process of w/d can be.

 

It sounds like you will need to find a way to have some face to face contact with people, maybe by volunteering somewhere?  If you do it on your terms (your choice of place and time, etc.), I know you can do it. Don't settle for being isolated or dependent on your mom.  You are strong enough to make new choices that will improve your quality of life. 

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Hi Lizzie,

 

  I am very sorry things are not going well between you and your Mom.  :(

 

  Now that my children are all in school, I am here by myself until they get home from school and my husband gets home from work. (Sometimes I LIKE THIS!!  ;D)

 

  My "human contact" comes from either calling someone on the phone or talking through the internet.  :phone:

 

  This site has become my FAVORITE for communicating with others. 

 

  Everyone COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS what you are going through here, and there are some REALLY TERRIFIC people here to befriend!  :highfive:

 

  Aside from asking questions concerning your own needs, it is nice to read others questions and offer YOUR OWN advice or support.

 

  Even if you are feeling poorly, you may not realize that you probably still have found something that helps you with this or that symptom, or even a coping skill, and you could offer this helpful advice to someone else.

 

  We ALL NEED EACHOTHER!  :hug:

 

  There is always someone online to communicate with, who is, or has been in the same "benzo boat" that we are in.

 

  Get busy on this site and you will see, your mind will stay active thinking, communicating, helping, and receiving help yourself.

 

Our wonderful Buddies on this site REALLY help me through day by day!  :thumbsup:

 

  My Very Best to you Buddie,  :mybuddy:

 

  SUNNY DAYS AHEAD  :)

 

 

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I'm really sorry you had this horrible experience today.

 

I think the posts above give really goood advice and there is nothing left for me to say.

 

I just wanted to come on this thread to show I am there if you need me, and to say, the worst thing, I think we can do, is to try to anticipate the rest of our withdrawal. It opens the floodgates for fearsome thoughts to come through.

 

For instance, I know I have bad anxiety and depression, but I dont know if it has worsened since I was on 15mg or not.

At 15mg, I guess, that if I had tried to project how I would feel when on 8mg, I would have had allsorts of terrible thoughts.

 

Did you give any more thought to working with cats? I think that would be very theraputic for you.

 

lots of love

J

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I just wanted to come on this thread to show I am there if you need me, and to say, the worst thing, I think we can do, is to try to anticipate the rest of our withdrawal. It opens the floodgates for fearsome thoughts to come through./quote]

 

Thanks J, I know I can count on you and really appreciate you being there for me  :smitten: I havent had any anxiety in these last days, and been a real relief! All the more I am disappointed with my mom being so harsch, she can be so utterly hard hearted. The anxiety was from w/d and my fear of living alone and I was hoping to be able to talk to her and get some advice on how to cope better with being alone.

 

Cant talk to her about ANY kind of problems. Either because she never knew what problems are because she never had any. She loves being alone. And she hates other women, I know from often hearing her put other women down. And now it was my turn.

 

Elke

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Lizzie -   :therethere:

 

I'm so sorry your mom was so mean to you yesterday.  Most people who have not been through it haven't a clue about how hard this process of w/d can be.

 

It sounds like you will need to find a way to have some face to face contact with people, maybe by volunteering somewhere?  If you do it on your terms (your choice of place and time, etc.), I know you can do it. Don't settle for being isolated or dependent on your mom.  You are strong enough to make new choices that will improve your quality of life. 

 

Well, I did another reduction and though my anxiety is gone its returned again today. I dont think its a good time to begin trying to make new contacts, just wish the ones I have who always promise they will call would actually be reliable enough to call, which they dont.

 

Otherwise my mom has asked me for forgivenss and to forget about what happened. I think she was scared because she had an operation  on her eyes yesterday and knew she would need my help. I still feel the hurt she caused, but couldnt let her down. To top it off the operation went bad and now she is worse off than before. I ran around with her to doctors today and it was very stressful for me since I cut again yesterday. I had headaches all day, nervous jerking of my head, and was totally exhausted. So it wasnt me she was "kicking" at today, it was the female doctor she was making fun of behind their back. I´ll never figure my mom out.

I cant stick to my values of being treated badly and then needed, because I would fear the wrath of the rest of the family, as was the case when my dad died, they practically lynched me at the funeral.

 

Came home finally and again saw that no one had called me. I dont see me having any choice but sticking out this withdrawal and playing the family idiot.

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I'm so sorry to hear how mean and cruel your family can be towards you.  It's just not bloody fair, is it?  I also know how upsetting and cold being alone can feel.  I am so very lucky to have a wonderful husband, but I am 6000 miles away from the home I love and all of my family and friends, so I feel incredibly lonely and homesick at times.  My husbands family are dreadful - and that's being polite - so we never ever see or hear from them, which is a HUGE let down when one is so far away from home.

 

Just remember that your BB family will always be here for you.

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Just remember that your BB family will always be here for you.

 

:smitten: I do remember this thanks Bevoir. Yes G´man I was in chat maybe twice now, I usually need a bit of courage  ??? but I do chat when I´m doing pretty bad and lonely. Thanks.

 

P.S. Day two of my reduction and today I´m feeling really well, under the circumstances)  :thumbsup:

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Lizzie -   :therethere:

 

I'm so sorry your mom was so mean to you yesterday.  Most people who have not been through it haven't a clue about how hard this process of w/d can be.

 

So when mom needs me, I´m good enough for her, then there are the good days, and then she´s had enough of me and when she doesnt want to anymore, she treats me like a piece of sh*. I´m so sick of these ups and downs with her. I called her today and after days of getting along, she -again- suddenly answers irritated "Yeaaa, WHAT IS IT!" I yell at her for treating me like crap, and she turns the tables around and says I am treating her like crap. Truth of all this behavior was that she just didnt feel like going anywhere today although yesterday it was planned. Me treating her bad is then what she complains to the rest of the family about. They believe her and then I get in trouble with them because they want to "protect" her. Never want to hear my side of things. Around and around, always the same pattern.

 

I´ve tried talking to my therapist - and he once told me to stop my withdrawal because this family is upsetting me too much.

 

I know, Beeper, I know I have to stop this dependancy upon her. And I need to move away from being so close to them all. FAR away. But since it is the country I want to leave, I feel I need to get off the Benzos first I dont know if I can finish my taper in a different country.

 

I´m sorry for ranting. I´m sorry if I bored anyone with this...it may sound like a trifle to others, but after years of this it is nerve wracking. And I cant find any friends here. Be it DUE to these upsets or my own incompetency.

 

Elke

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Hi Lizzie,

 

I am so sorry you are having difficulties with your mum.

Being treated like crap is anger provoking, but maybe next time, just tell her your feelings when she does or says something you dont like.

I'm sorry you seem to feel in a vicious circle with this, and the family.

Stopping your withdrawal is not a good idea, as you will feel anxious and other negative stuff, through tolerance alone. At least with tapering, you are on a road to recovery, and your body is getting used to less and less benzo.

I know, Beeper, I know I have to stop this dependancy upon her. And I need to move away from being so close to them all. FAR away. But since it is the country I want to leave, I feel I need to get off the Benzos first I dont know if I can finish my taper in a different country.

If it were me, I would think about this, when your cns has recovered and you are free of benzos.

Dont be sorry for ranting, and dont feel a bore, you are benefiting from posting this message, and thats what it is all about.

Years on years of niggling can have a traumatic cumulative effect, so I dont think it is trifling in the big picture. Just think of a leaky water tank in the loft, leaking one drop at a time, over time, the ceiling falls in.

You're not incompetent, you have just had a tough time which has shaken you.

 

love J x

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Hi Lizzie,

 

Wow...so sorry u r having such an awful time of it. I have had times of isolation too. I am a real people person and when that has happened in the past, I was very unhappy. What about going to a bookstore where you can sit around and be around others while reading? I've made conversation with people there. Going to a department store helps me too ...just being around others. Taking a walk helps me a lot as well...just getting outside or taking a car ride while listening to music on some country roads will lift my spirits and help me feel connected to the world. :thumbsup: R U allowed to have a pet? My dogs keep me great company and if I feel lonely, I will bathe them, brush them, play with them. Also, baking cookies for a neighbor or someone like a doctor's office can help get us out of ourself. Doing things for others and reaching out helps a lot. Nursing homes are a great way to connect. A lot of churches have volunteering at Nursing homes where there are other lonely people needing to connect. A smile goes a long way ....I make a habit that no matter how I am feeling, that I smile at people and chit chat whenever out. I've had some very interesting  conversations in unexpected places. Also, doing crafts and coloring helps me. Yep, coloring. I will get colored pencils and download some neat pics off the internet and color and listen to music. Radio is a great way to feel connected. I hope this helps. Glad U are on here.  8) God Bless U

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Hi LMarie and welcome on board  :)

 

Thank you for the wonderful post and the many suggestions. I agree that getting out with the car and driving in the countryside helps me a lot.

 

I have no problem getting into conversations with people (like salespeople). But I feel isolated due to lack of intimate relationships - and the loss of those I had. Suddenly since my w/d in clinic - and then reinstatement everyone has pointed their finger at me (though I took them for 10 years and no one made an issue about it because I didnt either).

 

Elke

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