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My Ambiem withdrawal


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Hi Pamster, yes I did sleep with all that ambien, valdoxan and diphenhydramine in me.

 

The last you said I was 15 hours ahead of you.

 

It’s 1.05pm where I’m at now.

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Yep, you're ahead and it's good to hear you got some sleep, that's a fine cocktail you're on.  :o 

 

I have a favor to ask of you, I'm hoping you can tell me of one thing you can do each day that is different than the day before.  I'd like to see if you can expand your world a little, it sounds like it's gotten pretty small.  Breakthrough80 (Andrew) and I were talking about the benefits of his going back to work and how it helps distract him from his misery even though he's still miserable. 

 

It can be as little as you read a few pages in a book, or as lofty as I walked out the front door to the edge of the street and back.  You don't even need to tell me what you did, I'm just hoping you'll challenge yourself a little bit and take back some of your power from this drug. 

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Dear Pamster, you really care, even through words in a forum from a million miles away I can feel that you care.

 

You’re right, my world has become pretty small. I try to take one step at a time, baby steps. The first of which is I went out to get some luggage repaired yesterday.

 

I’m not entirely certain that I can do something different every day to challenge myself, but lately it has been to quell the anxiety through different methods.

 

You have no vested interested in me and my situation, yet you continue to be here with your ever comforting words, advice and questions. For this you will never know how truly grateful I am to you.

 

Right now, no sleep again so I’m reading the Bible, it calms me down all the time.

 

I’ve also in the past few days tried to accept the situation I’m in, just like Mary said, not to fight the anxiety but just let it pass, I imagine it as a wave crashing over me, once it has receded I will be fine.

 

I know this isn’t as commendable as finding a job right now but I’m really really trying my best.

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I do care and I'm glad you know this and I'm so impressed you were able to go out to get some luggage repaired, this is so much better than I've been envisioning.  And reading, I didn't realize you were able to do this as well, you've made my day!

 

You're also implementing tools to deal with the anxiety, I'm so glad what Mary said stuck with you.  I certainly don't expect you to go out and get a job, you'd be doing yourself, your family and your employer a disservice if you were to do that now, so no worries.

 

I love hearing what you're doing to beat back this monster, I wasn't sure if you'd be annoyed with me so I really appreciate it.

 

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Headspace, most people here do care, very much. I see BB as sort of an extended family. If I feel I am in trouble, I know I can always come here for support and advice. Luckily right now I don't need that, but I sure might in the future.

 

You mentionyour world has gotten smaller. That sure rang a bell for me. On benzos I drew back from the world, I retreated big time... I didn't know how much benzos had affected my health both mentally and physical back then.

And then I was forced to go CT off benzos and a whole new world started for me. My withdrawal was super bad. I truly thought I had gone insane, for a year. Because I became paranoid of doctors, I refused to see one to reinstate. (Thank GOD!) I spent over a year in utter misery, just as you are now.

I think its pretty amazing you are aware you need to continue getting your mind off withdrawal, and do something useful. I felt that way too. I dimly sensed the worst thing I could do was sit on my sofa, staring at the TV. TV began to scare me anyway. I found a lot of things to occupy my mind with, cleaning, ironing, anything would work as long as I did not focus on how bad I felt back then.

I think you are doing all the right things, so don't give up. Keep on going.

east

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Dear Pamster and East, thanks for the encouragement.

 

East, hearing about your experience really helped me as I can relate to it, I will certainly try to occupy myself with things that take time.

 

Pamster, I could never be annoyed at you, I don’t think anyone ever could. And it was a good plan, challenging me to do something diff everyday.

 

I realise what you guys say is true. BB is a family, one that I privileged to be a part of.

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Dear Pamster and East, thanks for the encouragement.

 

East, hearing about your experience really helped me as I can relate to it, I will certainly try to occupy myself with things that take time.

 

Pamster, I could never be annoyed at you, I don’t think anyone ever could. And it was a good plan, challenging me to do something diff everyday.

 

I realise what you guys say is true. BB is a family, one that I privileged to be a part of.

 

Around here, it happens on a daily basis, I'm management after all!  :laugh:

 

I had such good luck with you, I challenged another member to take just a little bite out of that elephant yesterday, the elephant that's too big to eat but we can nibble at.  I received positive feedback, laundry got done and a shower was taken, see how you're helping me and others too?

 

Keep sharing okay, tell us who you were before this happened, who you will return to being when you've recovered.  Not details which you fear may identify you, but generalities so you don't forget that person in the murkiness of your present situation.

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Hi Pamster, I’m glad my case inspired you to help another member.

 

I can identify, some days it gets so bad even taking a shower is difficult, I k ow that sounds gross.

 

To be honest when i can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t on ambien, it has been years. What little I do recall is that I was mostly outgoing, loved to be around my friends, couldn’t go without company. Simple things like watching a movie would bring me great joy.

 

I’m a shell of my former self now, mostly staying home, going only out to the doctors. The only real positive thing that came out of this is that I’m way closer to my parents now.

 

We were never the type of family who hugged and said I love you, but now we do, I’m so thankful for that. When and if I ever get well, I want to continue to love and care for them just as they have done for me.

 

I never realized the importance of family but now I do.

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Hey, your former self sounds like my younger self but your current sounds like my current.  I see good here, an appreciation for family is good at any age and I'm glad you've found it with yours. 

 

This tells me too that this is your time to get off of these drugs so you can get back to your life and participate in it before you lose any more years, I don't want to see you old before your time.  There is so much that is good waiting for you, you just have to travel through hell to find it. 

 

If most of your outings are visiting Dr's that's a disheartening existence.  Is the weather pleasant where you are, is there a possibility of getting out to enjoy some sunshine, that can be very uplifting.  It's so gray, cold and wet here today, some sun sounds good to me.

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Headspace, keep in mind that both Pamster and I have walked in your shoes. I took benzos in enormous doses for thirty years and then went cold turkey off them all (including 2 SSRIS). Hell ensued, so believe me I do know how awful you feel.

You are in the early stages of recovery. Unsteady, feeling your way through it slowly and miserably. It does get better, and Pam and I are living proof of that.

Head, BB IS sort of like a family. We have to support each other. Once one has been through a truly horrific benzo wd, and recovered, you just feel you have to GIVE BACK. Going through this  can be devastating. Some of use have a mild form of PTSD because of benzo wd. It CAN be that bad for some.

But as long as BB is here, you will always have the encouragement yo need to continue on. I have NO doubt that some time from now you will be writing much happier posts. I know that will occur because even as I sit here typing, your brain is healing itself, through a complex series of events and chemicals. The human body is amazing in its ability to heal itself.

 

Keep writing, friend. We will be there for you.

east

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Hi Pamster and eastcoast, sorry for not posting sooner. It’s been a rough couple of days for me.

 

Been hit with a really bad throat and terrible anxiety. I wish I could post happier posts as you guys have been so kind and I can identify with your experiences in some form although I know I’ve got a lot left of the journey to travel.

 

I’m barely coping at this point and everytime I see my dosage, the numbers seem inescapably high to me as it’s been pointed out by many. I don’t know if I can see this through.

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I'm amazed you can even get on the computer so no worries if you can't, we understand.  As for feeling like you have to be cheerful, no one expects that of you.  I used to wonder how the members could play those word games on other parts of the forum when the most I could do was write a post and log out, it was too much for me. 

 

What's going on with your throat, is it benzo related or have you come down with something?  Anxiety, I know what causes that.

 

Your numbers are overwhelming, are you still on the increased Ambien and when do you see your Dr again? 

 

What are your options if you can't see this through, I'm hoping one of them isn't the one we don't talk about.

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Hi Pamster, I post using an iPhone so it’s pretty accessible.

 

Throat wise it’s been bad for like two weeks now, I’ve come down with something. Probably non Benzo related, fingers crossed it’ll clear up soon because it feels like I’m swallowing glass.

 

I see my doctor again tomorrow and my dose remains the same at the current moment, every which way I look at it, it is still high. I’m trying and trying to take small steps but at 225mg ambien and 30mg Valium a day, the sheer magnitude scares me. My hands are trembling as I’m typing this.

 

My options if I don’t use it through is I start using at high amounts when I feel like it again, just like in the past.

 

The option you mention, the one you say we don’t talk about, can I be direct and ask, is it self harm?

 

 

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It does sound like you've come down with something, I've heard of trouble swallowing and throat tightness but the sharp pain isn't typical, I hope your parents haven't caught it as well. 

 

Your dose is high and I understand how discouraging it is for you, I'm discouraged too.  I hope you can stay the course, your alternative isn't sustainable but recovery is.

 

You've correctly surmised my inference and I'm sorry I brought it up, as an administrator I must be held to a higher standard. 

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Headspace,

I know you will find your way out of this horrible Benzo Maze you are in right now. Just keep going down on your doses and try to deal with your symptoms.

 

I think Pamster was referring to self harm. And that is something many of us have thought about, when things get really bad. I know I considered it. Back then, I was convinced I had just gone insane. Nothing had prepared me for what I went through. I came "this" close to suicide, but in the end, I could not do this...because back then I had 5 beloved cats. I could not just up a leave them on their own. This might sound funny, but it was sure real for me back then.

And now I am so glad I felt that way.

Benzo wd does end. It sort of fades away. But one will always have to think about the WHY's we got into this mess in the first place.

 

I am having computer issues this evening here on BB, so if this PM seems disjointed, blame the Internet.

 

Pam, you need not apologize for doing your job.  I know what its like to be a Mod. And I do know BB's policies...some of them all too well! LOL!

 

 

If

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Hi Pamster, you do not have to apologize just like eastcoast said. You’re doing your best to steer me clear of the self harm direction. 

 

I know talking about it isn’t allowed on the boards so I’ll just keep it short. Like what eastcoast has said I’ve gone through the idea many times but have never done anything about it.

 

Eastcoast, I thank you for relating to me, your post came out just fine and you guys feel like family. I like cats too and it’s wonderful you have 5 of them.

 

I apologize if this post is incoherent and maybe misses out addressing anything you guys have said but please know I look through your posts repeatedly and they DO give tons of encouragement and support.

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Thanks Headspace, for some it's a reality of this process and I was no exception. 

 

I'm very glad eastcoast is here supporting you too, she's a survivor who has seen and done a lot in her life.

 

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Head, your post was not incoherent at all. Very clear and perfectly fine.

Yes. I love cats and used to have 5 of them, until the whole benzo crisis hit me over 7 years ago. That first year off benzos I also had to have two of my beloved cats put down for various reasons. The worst was losing Wilson, my white, blue eyed cat who was stone deaf. He was one of the MOST wonderful cats of my life! He was intelligent, very much so, and had an obvious sense of humor. He enjoyed playing little tricks on me. When he was a kitten, he was fascinated by my feet, and would gnaw on my toes when I first got into bed.

Now I just have my cat Jackie Bear, this large black/gray tabby with a big M between his eyes. He is, by far, the smartest cat I have ever met. He makes real eye contact and most cats don't. He quite obviously teaches me, leads me to do what he wants me to. I had stopped watching TV during withdrawal, found it way too frightening, and did not watch TV for over 5 years. I finally decided to at least watch the morning news. And so I did. During the Today Show, I played with Bear, using those wand toys. The VERY next day, he dragged that toy into my bedroom, and once I got up, "told me" I needed to watch TV and play with him. LOL! It has become a much loved routine now.

I have always preferred cats. You have to win them over, they don't jump through hoops for you. Much NOT like dogs.

east

east

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Hi Pamster, on the way to the doctor now and will update the changes in meds as soon as I can.

 

Eastcoast, your cats sound delightful. Personally I love cats too but have never owned one. I’m glad that they provide some solace for you. What you said about Jackie Bear put a smile on my face.

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It sounds like I need to brag on Beeper and Razzle, my two kitties, but I can't stop there so I'll have to tell you about my dogs, Sweetie, Allie and Roxie, I'm seriously outnumbered in my house.  :o

 

I'll keep checking back tonight to see how your visit went, thanks for sticking around the forum. 

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Hi Pamster, just done with the doc, all your pets sound adorable. I’ve never had a pet, but I love animals, and the names they have are just adorable.

 

My current schedule:

 

 

8am - 20mg ambien, 10mg Valium

12pm - 30 mg ambien

2pm - 10mg Valium

4pm - 25mg ambien, 10mg Valium

7pm - 80mg ambien, 50mg Valdoxan, 150mg diphenhydramine

1am (or when I wake up) - 70mg ambien, 10mg Valium

 

 

 

My most updated schedule to start today:

8am - 20mg ambien, 10mg Valium, 25mg valdoxan

12pm - 30mg ambien

2pm - 10mg Valium

4pm - 20mg ambien

7pm - 70mg ambien, 10mg Valium, 25mg valdoxan, 150 mg diphenhydramine

1am (or when i wake up during the night) - 60mg ambien,10mg Valium, 150mg diphenhydramine

 

 

That’s a total of a cut 25mg ambien but an increase of 10mg Valium.

 

I’m sorry to make this so complicated. I hope you get to read this.

 

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Uh oh, he's cutting into your night time dose, how do you feel about that?  I like that he's adding in more Valium though.  I'm just getting ready to log out for the night, but wanted to check in to see if you'd posted.  Glad I did.

 

How do you feel, are you okay with the new schedule?

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I guess he’s got no choice but to cut the night time dose.

 

I’m feeling the onset of another panic attack.

 

Thanks for checking in Pamster.

 

I don’t know how I feel about the new schedule until I try it I guess. I can’t see where else he can cut from.

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