I’m Returning to BB to say I’m Recovered

Hi all

 

My old screen name was Clementine. I originally joined BB in 2011. I was given Klonopin for a back injury. I used the .5mg (once a day) for 2 weeks and hit tolerance w/d very quickly with symptoms of agitation, anxiety, uncontrollably weepy and d/p. My dr suggested to increase the .5 mg to 2x a day and I did this for a month. At the six week mark I started to have an allergic reaction to the benzo (swollen lips and rash) along with a long list of w/d symptoms including dramatic hair loss. I started to Google symptoms and I found BB. I posted my intro, met my first BB (Bevoir) and I was immensely grateful to know I wasn’t going insane. The BBs developed a titrating plan for me and due to the allergic reaction I was experiencing I jumped off Klonopin very quickly.

 

I’ve returned back to tell you I have returned back to a full life. I’m not going to list all of my w/d symptoms - but know that I had experienced them all other then a seizure. I would like to share some things that helped me recover:

 

Share your status with people - it’s important to not hide your suffering. Most will not understand (including drs) - that’s ok - you have support here from others who do. You are an educator at this point. Use your experience to educate others. Be your own best advocate and find power in that. If you cry when you tell people then cry - that’s ok too

 

Take care of your gut - the burden of the intense stress and suffering will wreak havoc on your gut health. Why is gut health important? There’s a lot of information to find on the gut brain axis. If your healing one you’re healing the other. Find a gut health protocol that works for you - if you can’t add things in (like probiotics etc) consider taking things out (caffeine, acidic foods, sugar etc). It’s not forever. It’s a support system for the time being

 

Feel all the feelings - I tried so hard to avoid this one. It’s part of why I left BB and deactivated my account. I SO desperately wanted all of “this” to be done that I didn’t want a reminder of it anywhere. A big page turner in my recovery was being ok with how scared, sad, depressed, angry, lonely etc etc I was. Not assigning meaning to the feelings  is tricky. My go to assignments were - I’m a failure - I’ll never get better - I’ve ruined my life - I’ve ruined my families life - I guess I deserve this etc etc. Feelings are scary but the stories we tell around them are scarier and often not true

 

Exercise - it’s pretty simple - just go for a walk - everyday. Emotion is motion. Move your body and you move your mind.

 

Live life - this seems so hard, I know. I had a point in my protracted w/d to say “F it.” Obviously my healing was going to take a while but I as to get to a point where I was still going to go do things. And yes, I was still experiencing so many symptoms and even new ones at times. But hell - there’s still life to do - and not just a job which seems impossible to get to - taking care of family members - trying to make a dinner. There is more good things in life to do and see - small and big even during W/D

 

You can do this - you can do hard things. Reach out for help when you feel like you can’t and get back on the path. I recovered - you’ll recover too

 

Clem 

Congratulations.  I am a short term user too.  Did you ever have thought hyperawareness, constant racing thoughts, looping thoughts, earworms.  Extreme mental anguish?

Hi Perth

 

Yes I did. I have a very clever brain that also threw in a few more then you described. I found walking to help work through the high cortisol and agreeing with the thoughts and earworms. It sounds counter intuitive but once you surrender to them hanging out with you they’ll quiet down. Your amygdala is working over time to “protect” you. It needs. Bridge to the frontal cortex to help process the stuck thoughts and hyper awareness. Walking was my first line of attack (looping thoughts and hyper awareness and all) and then learning to met them be there while I did life. They will quiet down - they will!

Sorry for the typos

C73.  I spend around 75% of the day walking.  My brains races with thoughts and constant mental arguments.  I haven't found anyone on BB that has the severity  of mental anguish like me.

I'm 22 months off today and still struggling. I'm still dealing with very poor sleep a long way off now. It's not as bad as it was in the beginning, but I've completely lost the ability to sleep in past like six. I usually end up waking up at like four in the morning though.

 

The worst thing for me is dealing with angry impulses and unexplained rage around loved ones who are doing nothing wrong. It has made me basically afraid to be around my family and scared of going home most nights. I've had the anger towards others as well in public, but my fear about it is much higher while at home. The slightest bit of stress can make this anger worse and even a stressful thought can make it worse and it's often directed at my family even when they aren't around.

 

I'm still dealing with vision issues, DR/DP at times, burning nerves in face and legs, rib cage pain (which is new the past month), and pressure around my eyes and sometimes in my ears.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, how long did it take to dissipate?

Hi C73/Clementine,

 

Thank you for coming back, as you can see it's still pretty busy around here but your story will touch and help many people.  We have short time users who are as shocked as you were to learn how hard they could be hit with just a few days or weeks of use, so you've helped them as well.

 

I wish you the best and thank you again, I hope you'll stick around for a day or two to spread hope. 

 

Pamster

 

 

Thanks Pamster 

 

Thanks for the support you continue to offer to BB

Hi Perth

 

Keep going! You’re gonna get through it.

 

I may sound vague in my replies because I know how it feels to be searching and comparing symptoms with others. The comparison can be your best friend and offer relief  or worst enemy and scare you even more. Be assured - I know very well what you’re struggling with - you are going to see some  progress. The body strives for balance

Hi Boombox

 

Hey! Sleeping until even 4am is a good success compared to the beginning! Small wins count too

 

And yes - It sounds SO familiar. I had days where I was so enraged and punching the interior of my husband’s car while he was driving and feeling utterly defeated with myself. It’s ok - you have a reason to be so angry! I think family family gets the brunt of it because they’re our soft place to land and we get so frustrated that it can’t be easier. Under that anger is fear - the assigned scary stories we tell ourselves. Those will pass

 

And I still get angry about it - but I’m not exploding and punching things anymore

 

And I did have your lingering symptoms. They’re pretty common in anxiety as well - so it’s makes sense. They improved over time

Hi Perth

 

Keep going! You’re gonna get through it.

 

I may sound vague in my replies because I know how it feels to be searching and comparing symptoms with others. The comparison can be your best friend and offer relief  or worst enemy and scare you even more. Be assured - I know very well what you’re struggling with - you are going to see some  progress. The body strives for balance

 

Thanks C73.  I know what you mean about comparing with others. I have a hard time accepting some symptoms when I don't see others talk about them.  Makes me think something else is wrong.  I need to practice radical acceptance no matter how torturous the symptoms are.

Perth

 

You sound so wise. That’s going to help pull you through this.

 

I like to think of the w/d as mental fitness. There’s a need to build strong skills during this process - like weight lifting, But we wouldn’t expect ourselves to be able to go into the gym (after a severe injury) and lift 200 lbs with that injury in place, right? We’d start with a couple lbs one week then add a few more lbs the next week etc.. it’s so hard to be patient and tolerate this process but you build strength and resilience over time - you improve your mental fitness

 

Fighting against the injury you have will prolong the injury. Start where you can  and hopefully you can carry my words with you - know that your over firing amygdala will quiet down and you will find relief from the hyper awareness, looping and obsessing. You’re not permanently damaged - you are healing a injury

Hey C73.  Thanks for the success story.  So happy for you that you've recovered! I too was a short term user went through an extreme long term recovery.  Now I would consider myself mostly recovered after 4 years however I still struggle with ear issues namely Tinnitus, Hyperacusis and constant ear popping and slight pressure.  Wondering if you had these SX and if so how are they doing?

Hey C73.  Thanks for the success story.  So happy for you that you've recovered! I too was a short term user went through an extreme long term recovery.  Now I would consider myself mostly recovered after 4 years however I still struggle with ear issues namely Tinnitus, Hyperacusis and constant ear popping and slight pressure.  Wondering if you had these SX and if so how are they doing?

 

Hi Rob

 

I did - my left ear in particular. Sometimes the fullness would cause enough blockage that I hear my own voice echoing back. It would happen most often (in recovery) when I would hike. These symptoms went away. When I stopped monitoring them so closely it offered relief.

Clementine, thank you so very much for what you have written. Like you my protracted withdrawal was triggered by very little. I have passed the three-year mark. It seems to have gotten a lot worse for me around the three-year mark and is being quite persistent. I wonder how long it took you to feel recovered? Thank you again.

 

Gutsy

Clementine, thank you so very much for what you have written. Like you my protracted withdrawal was triggered by very little. I have passed the three-year mark. It seems to have gotten a lot worse for me around the three-year mark and is being quite persistent. I wonder how long it took you to feel recovered? Thank you again.

 

Gutsy

 

Hi Gutsy

 

My protracted w/d symptoms went on for a very long time - my turning point was deciding to not monitor and “manage” my symptoms. The monitoring, comparing and checking was creating so much anxiety that I was creating even more symptoms. I would wake up with anxiety and symptoms (and run through a list of checking and comparing my ailments) before I was actually awake. I had cortisol dumping out of my eyeballs before my eyes were even open. When I decided to live my life and engage in life events (see things, visit places and people, hike, travel etc) and bring my w/d symptoms with me, that is when they started to quiet down. I had to become aware of how much checking I was doing and try to not attach a catastrophic story to it. It was very uncomfortable at first and spiked a lot of my symptoms - but after time they eased up - and eventually they disappeared.

 

I’ve said before that the small steps are the biggest ones we take in this process

Dear Clementine,

 

What a wise and intelligent response you have given to my question about how long. :-) I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write me. I understand what you are saying. I have been living my life through the entire process, working, even traveling… I do understand what you’re saying and the wisdom of it.Thank you again so much,

Gutsy

Thanks.  I am now 18 months off after a long struggle (see my stats if you want to).  I am presently not at a great place, but far better than I was a year ago.  I pretty much stay in bed most of the day listening to audiobooks to distract myself.  On my better days, I can follow a recipe and make a nice meal for my husband and my self.  I pulled off a Christmas celebration for family, making a nice meal and having presents wrapped under the tree.  My husband id all the housecleaning, but it was still pretty nice and the family thanked us.  They don't know how sick I am; we manage to hide it by staying to ourselves most of the time.  I just pray that I can get another energy wave and get out of the house to go to exercise classes with my husband.  This is my goal, this one thing for now.  I hope at the next milestone, 24 months, I will be better and more active.  Regards, Marja

Dear Clementine,

 

What a wise and intelligent response you have given to my question about how long. :-) I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write me. I understand what you are saying. I have been living my life through the entire process, working, even traveling… I do understand what you’re saying and the wisdom of it.Thank you again so much,

Gutsy

 

You’re most welcome! 

Thanks.  I am now 18 months off after a long struggle (see my stats if you want to).  I am presently not at a great place, but far better than I was a year ago.  I pretty much stay in bed most of the day listening to audiobooks to distract myself.  On my better days, I can follow a recipe and make a nice meal for my husband and my self.  I pulled off a Christmas celebration for family, making a nice meal and having presents wrapped under the tree.  My husband id all the housecleaning, but it was still pretty nice and the family thanked us.  They don't know how sick I am; we manage to hide it by staying to ourselves most of the time.  I just pray that I can get another energy wave and get out of the house to go to exercise classes with my husband.  This is my goal, this one thing for now.  I hope at the next milestone, 24 months, I will be better and more active.  Regards, Marja

 

Thanks for your comment :-) And it def sounds like an huge win over Xmas!

 

In regards to exercise-  I started hiking at my worst - and a back injury is what lead to my Dr prescribing a benzo to begin with. When I started hiking I would have raging w/d symptoms, I was woefully out of shape along with my back injured and I could barely make it out the car to the beginning of the trail head. Sometimes I’d get out of the car and try to hike and I’d have to get right back in the car. I’d promise myself I’d try again each weekend - sometimes I’d hike twice a weekend. By the end of summer I had made it to the top of mountain that I couldn’t even take a car ride to a year earlier - and I hiked up there with all my w/d symptoms with me. The hiking  goal I was setting felt so much better then the daily goal of monitoring and measuring my symptoms. And the real life accomplishment of those hikes made my days so much more enjoyable

 

 

Clementine,

 

Heartfelt congratulations on your wellness and living a full life! I know that words can't really convey the extent of what you've lived through.

 

Thank you for your story and the wise advice. I'm finding the same to be true, including a focus on gut health. I am seeing increased indications of recovery, with work in that area. It takes a lot of time, but it's huge in all this.

 

Acceptance of feelings, for me, is the hardest part. It's very painful to acknowledge vulnerability and what I used to view as utter failure on my part: feeling terrified, lonely, out of control, etc. I now see that much of the painful feelings are remnants from childhood (in my case) that w/d has brought up for facing and working through, once and for all.

 

Thanks also for the reminder on living life, best we can, regardless. I struggle and it's very hard, but the moments of finding joy and gratitude in the 'little' things and smallest accomplishments are keeping me going. The atmosphere in our home is more hopeful, and my husband and little ones are happier and less worried. It does make a big difference, just as you describe.

 

Wishing you peace and happiness in your new life,

 

Wildflower

💕

 

 

Thank you for coming back! How long did it take for you to heal?

Clementine,

 

Heartfelt congratulations on your wellness and living a full life! I know that words can't really convey the extent of what you've lived through.

 

Thank you for your story and the wise advice. I'm finding the same to be true, including a focus on gut health. I am seeing increased indications of recovery, with work in that area. It takes a lot of time, but it's huge in all this.

 

Acceptance of feelings, for me, is the hardest part. It's very painful to acknowledge vulnerability and what I used to view as utter failure on my part: feeling terrified, lonely, out of control, etc. I now see that much of the painful feelings are remnants from childhood (in my case) that w/d has brought up for facing and working through, once and for all.

 

Thanks also for the reminder on living life, best we can, regardless. I struggle and it's very hard, but the moments of finding joy and gratitude in the 'little' things and smallest accomplishments are keeping me going. The atmosphere in our home is more hopeful, and my husband and little ones are happier and less worried. It does make a big difference, just as you describe.

 

Wishing you peace and happiness in your new life,

 

Wildflower

💕

 

Hi Wildflower

 

Yes - acceptance is SO hard. In my experience the w/d took all of my emotional and mental struggles (that I had been ok with skirting around or not addressing) and blew them up 1000%. It didn’t create anything that wasn’t there before but made everything I had already experienced and struggled with/avoided that much harder. It was like having an massive examination light on my past every day.

 

I still have days when I get angry about my benzo experience. I used to try to stuff that down - make it go away - ignore it. That just made it persist and grow bigger when the anger would return. Now I try to let the anger be there - I talk about it more - I acknowledge its there and go on about my day. Sometimes it hangs around and I’ll cry about my experience. I cry when I read others stories on BB. It’s ok to feel all the feelings - we’re humans who are doing / did a tremendously hard thing to do and we’re going to feel things about that. I hope I continue to learn more about my feelings around my benzo w/d because it’s so much harder to control the memories and try to make them go away.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for coming back! How long did it take for you to heal?

 

Hi Rothschilde

 

I was a protracted case. I stay vague around timelines because I know from my experience that if I was suffering longer then someone else’s time line then I began to think I was an exception to the rule and I won’t heal. I wasn’t the exception though. I stopped monitoring my w/d symptoms and I reinstated back into life without assuming my days should be “perfect.” I took me a long time to make that observation and adopt it which is what drew out my symptoms for so long.

 

C73,

  Thank you for sharing.  It's so easy to become so fully immersed in my symptoms.. to analyze, dissect, argue, debate, etc, etc, etc.  I've been feeling the need to move beyond my current coping level... my handful of distraction sources and comfort zones... but I guess I've been waiting until I felt better.  Maybe just doing it, and carrying my symptoms with me as you said, is the answer.  Very scary to do, but I see the truth in it.

For me, the challenge is to still carry around this blanket of brain fog and not have the lies it tells affect my current thinking.