10 Year War - 1mg Xanax 4 times a Day "as needed"....

I am a 37 year old male and my career has been mainly focused on Sales & HR Consulting. I will get straight to the point, I am 14 months in to being Xanax free for the first time since 2008.  I was prescribed Xanax for my anxiety when I was 26 years old by a Psychiatrist on my very first visit with her in 2008.  She started me off on 0.5 mg twice a day as needed.  Well as most of us know when taking a benzo what tends to happen is the moment it wears off is when more xanax is "needed".  So with each visit my prescription was increased and by 2009 I was at 4mg of Xanax a day and was taken up until November of 2018.

 

It wasnt until 2014, shortly after my wedding that I made my first attempt to quit Xanax and was referred to a substance abuse Dr by my Psychiatrist.  Yes, the very same Psychiatrist who told me to take this medicine is the very same Dr who is telling me to see a doctor who specializes in substance abuse.  Like a lot of people on this site, I was not abusing my medication and felt insulted to be associated with this treatment.  Now there is nothing wrong with being treated for substance abuse but when you are doing what your told by someone you have trusted with your health and essentially life but then turn around and tell you "your addicted and need help" is extremely demoralizing for someone who suffers from low self-esteem, zero confidence, cautious of what others are saying about them, etc.  So needless to say I did not have the best attitude going into this treatment and surprise surprise the 7 day taper of 4mg to being benzo was a disaster and I was back at my Psychiatrist office seeking mercy less than a week after my last dose.  When trying to describe to her what I was experiencing it was as if she was hearing me complain about a cold or a really bad hangover.  As if I was being a baby about the "discomfort" (word she constantly used when referring to WD ) and that I was responsible for this "discomfort" because I decided to take Xanax at times it wasnt really needed.  Yes, she told me that I should have had better judgement and shouldn't have used it every time I felt anxious.  I still get angry thinking about this conversation, to hear that the “as needed” should have really said “as last resort” and probably should have been informed of this info before leaving the dr office the first time it was prescribed and not 6 years later when my body required 4mg of Xanax just to function. 

Unfortunately I was back on the 4mg of Xanax a day and in 2015 I accepted a job with what turned out to be the worst employer I have ever worked for in my professional career.  This job increased my levels of anxiety and even had the dr up my dose to 5mg a day for several months during 2017 & 2018.  Then I was laid off which turned out to be a blessing as it lead to a great opportunity with a company that really did care for their employees.  This lead me to seek a new dr that could offer the support I needed and a taper that wouldn’t cause too much chaos in my life or health risks.  The problem I ran into was the same as 2014 when I attempted to stop the first time and was even referred twice by two offices who informed me they do not specialize in “substance abuse”……ahhhhhh!!!  After several calls focused on this issue, I realized I was going to need find a new dr. to also address my ADD and thought maybe this dr can also address the Xanax taper/wd.  I was able to schedule an appt with a dr at a local ADD clinic and was an open book with her.  Only problem, she did not have much experience with tapering patients off of benzos but could see the fear and frustration I was experiencing and she did the best she could.  She moved me to Kolonopin and reduced my dosage by ¼ mg every two weeks.    The taper began in Sept. 2018 and took my last Benzo as of Thanksgiving 2018.  She was sympathetic and concerned for my well being yet I still did not have the courage to tell her that I thought the 1/4 mg taper was too quick for me as I didnt want to be labeled a drug seeking junkie.  IT WAS FUCKING HELL....a hell most are unaware is even possible. 

 

The end of 2018 and majority of 2019 seem like a blur with foggy memories of what took place over the past 12-14 months.  The first 6 months was hell.  I lost my job in March of 2019 and then experienced a Gran Mal Seizure on April 10th, 2019 and was in the hospital for 3 nights/4 days.  Not sure if the laws are the same in every state but in the state I live in prohibits anyone from driving for 6 months after experiencing a seizure.  I wasn’t sure how much more I could take, I was falling apart both physically and mentally, I didn’t have a job to support my family and had to find a job that would allow me to work from home.  Thankfully my wife is an angel who had been extremely supportive throughout this process and remained positive.  I was able to connect with a old trusted colleague and landed a job that would allow me to work from home.

 

I don’t know what has been the worst part of benzo WDs…..it could have been the head pressure making my head feel like it was going to pop like a balloon at any moment, the burning sensations that made my brain feel like it was marinated in gasoline and set ablaze, the fact that I couldn’t remember anything from relatives names to where I parked after coming out of the grocery store, the insomnia, the embarrassing mental emotional breakdowns that left me crying by myself many many nights, or the anxiety that was intensified by 100 that made me question if what I was putting myself through was really worth it in the end. 

 

Well, as of January 2020 I can say that it is worth it and it does get better!  Am I at a 100%?  No, but for the first time since tapering I can see/feel my body and brain having periods where I feel how I did prior to being prescribed Xanax, meaning when things are going well in life (full 5-8hours of sleep, my wife and I are getting along, work is going well, etc.) I notice my mood is much more optimistic, brain fog is almost non-existent, and anxiety isn't triggered nearly as easily as it once was when I was prescribed Xanax.  But what has really given me true hope is that my cognitive function and memory is much improved from 3 months ago and continue to see improvement.  I can actually read an article or a book and not only finish the entire article but also comprehend what I just read, something that I couldnt even consider doing just a few months ago.

 

In closing, I hope anyone who reads this understands that Benzo WD is likely the most difficult, painful (physical and mental) experience anyone could ever put themselves through in their lifetime.  THIS IS NOT FUCKING “MILD DISCOMFORT”! 

 

Congrats on finishing your taper. Your central nervous system is still healing, so be patient and accept it's part of the process. It can take a while, this is not unusual. It sounds like your body has made a lot of progress, and you are almost there.

 

Here is the section on post taper recovery, you will find camaraderie and support, as well as information in here:

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

 

This is a good fit for you as well:

 

Benzo-free Celebrations

 

Feel free to read our many educational sections, even though you are out of the worst of it, they will enlighten you.

 

-Welcome from the BB team, we are glad to have you.

Amazing post and congratulations! One of the worst things I went through myself was being referred to an "addiction specialist" or once "rapid withdrawal".  I found help elsewhere. Sadly, the psychiatric community knows very little, if anything at all about benzo withdrawal and most completely dismiss post-acute withdrawal syndrome. Addiction has become very big business. That is a problem.

 

I took 2 1/2 years to taper and that was pushing it! I cannot imagine what you went through. It's wonderful to hear that your life is good now.

Good for you friend! I also struggled with the “as needed” designation. Spot on about the Dr. not having the slightest clue about what the withdrawal is like. Benzobuddies should be required reading for anyone given a license to prescribe benzos.