Question about symptoms and how they're getting worse

I understand windows and waves now. However regardless of me getting a wave or window, theres something that just gets worse and worse with no sign of recovery. Since i reduced my dose of xanax in half at the beginning of this year, and then completely quit in July. Around that time i had brain zaps and severe anxiety and thats when i noticed the brain fog. Since then, the brain zaps are completely gone (good i suppose) but the brain fog is just getting worse and worse. Now i usually rule with logic, but if its been months since i touched a benzo why does my cognitive function appear to be getting worse....? I can't see how this could get any better if the way i think and behave is declining instead of improving. That makes no sense to me. I'm 29 years old and i consider myself still somewhat young, so why can't i think straight or feel emotions that i had (even on benzos but they don't do anything to me anymore). I'm very positive with recovering, but it's extremely hard to say this will lift. How can it if it gets to a point where when i read, im fumbling my words so badly, and it doesn't seem to be improving?

Hi dreamer8408,

 

Can you add your drug history to your signature so members don't have to read back through your previous posts to know where you're at?  Here are the instructions. make a signature

 

So, you've been benzo free for about 6 months, and you've seen improvement in many areas, but not this one?  What about doing mental exercises, can you jump start your cognitive function by challenging yourself more? 

 

I know I was pretty fuzzy for a long time which was tough because I had a job, but the farther out I got the more my light started turning on again. 

 

Pamster

Hi dreamer, i'm almost 21 months off, and for the first 12 months I felt that my mental sx spefically brain fog continued to get worse. It was really scary, I still have them bad, it's my worst sx, physical are really subsiding, but mental ones won't let go, but they have diminished some especially if I don't compare it day to day but to 9 months ago, when it was pure hell. Hopefully this helps, again may be things won't take as long for you as they have for me, but don't get discouraged)

Hi dreamer8408,

 

Can you add your drug history to your signature so members don't have to read back through your previous posts to know where you're at?  Here are the instructions. make a signature

 

So, you've been benzo free for about 6 months, and you've seen improvement in many areas, but not this one?  What about doing mental exercises, can you jump start your cognitive function by challenging yourself more? 

 

I know I was pretty fuzzy for a long time which was tough because I had a job, but the farther out I got the more my light started turning on again. 

 

Pamster

 

I added signature history thank you! Yes i play video games (might not sound productive but its stimulating the mind) and do other things like put together jigsaw puzzles. I do know i try and even if this isn't enough, it doesn't get better. I end up forgetting what i did the next day. I make sure im driving somewhere everyday whether it's the store or wherever. It's like my memory has a threshold of about 20 minutes before i start forgetting things.

Cold turkey from 2 mgs of Xanax a day?  I'd say you're doing pretty good considering, holy cow!

 

I took a lot of notes when I was where you are, seriously, I had pages of them and I made lists of the simplest things I had to do.  I anyone would have seen my lists, they'd probably have said, seriously, you need a reminder to check to see if the stove is turned off?  Well, after leaving it on twice, I figured, yeah, I need a damn list!

 

You're going to get past this, your brain has got so much going one right now, it's trying to repair the damage the drug did, all those pathways to your CNS being restructured, it's keeping you alive, running all of those complex systems and you expect it to have perfect recall too? 

Cold turkey from 2 mgs of Xanax a day?  I'd say you're doing pretty good considering, holy cow!

 

I took a lot of notes when I was where you are, seriously, I had pages of them and I made lists of the simplest things I had to do.  I anyone would have seen my lists, they'd probably have said, seriously, you need a reminder to check to see if the stove is turned off?  Well, after leaving it on twice, I figured, yeah, I need a damn list!

 

You're going to get past this, your brain has got so much going one right now, it's trying to repair the damage the drug did, all those pathways to your CNS being restructured, it's keeping you alive, running all of those complex systems and you expect it to have perfect recall too? 

 

I'm pretty stubborn lol. I read this site before i hopped off but my mentality was why not stop this drug and take this risk of seizures and maybe other things and just be done with it completely OR, taper over a stretch of months knowing that it is good and a safer route, but it's still active in my body. That would beat me up! What i do know is almost all the long term users who post their success story typically take a year or 2 years to recover, so the hard part is accepting it, but i slowly did and it does feel better, it's the frustration that happens while doing it. For me personally, it's been definitely the worst year of my life doing so, but in the end what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I hope this cog fog lifts, the physical pain during waves can stay if it likes, it wont matter to me, but not remembering anything or feeling any emotions is a major bummer. My perception is so shot where when i'm looking at something it feels like im cross eyed and my attention span is awful.

I understand your frustrations.  This is a hard part for me also.  I m doing all I can every day.  But still the waves hit and knock me for a loop.  Glad to know you are seeing some relief.  Stay with it we are healing.  Are you walking or exercise at all?

 

B

Time passes too slowly during this process, each second, each minute is something to be endured, not enjoyed.  How can we enjoy, when we feel no joy?  We flat line through this, we can't connect to the most basic human emotions, except fear.

 

Tell you what though, when it all comes back, it's so sweet.  And you're right, it won't kill you and it will make you stronger. 

 

If you feel like it, there is a thread for Summer 2019 cold turkey folks here: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=235290.0

 

 

Well done dreamer and pamster: posts that build on positivity and hope