Existential crisis vs. benzo withdrawal: where to draw the line?

So it seems that, after all the mess I went through in 2019, I'm having a "mid-life crisis" (I'm 31).

 

It's hard to tell what belongs to the withdrawal and what belongs to the crisis. The core symptoms of both being: huge anxiety, general malaise and never-ending loop of thoughts. I was doing pretty well since last december, but it hit me hard since last friday (where my periods began... not a coincidence since I have a history of premenstrual syndrom).

 

I'm second-guessing each choice I made in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I can rely on anymore. It looks like I lost my North Star and I'm totally lost in navigating my own life. What I loved before, including my job, doesn't make me feel happy anymore. I feel incomplete and I wish the universe could send me a sign to know where I should put my feet (and faith? I'm atheist but still struggling with my purpose in living) to feel whole again. I wish my body, spirit and soul could be aligned.

 

Yesterday I had a big tantrum with HUGE anxiety where I had the feeling to be stuck with my thoughts, wanted to punch my head in the walls to find an exit. Like a scared animal locked in a cage who doesn't understand what's going on.

 

One year ago, I felt a strong sense of accomplishment in my life. After long years of hard work to find what made me happy (mostly with my job), I finally sensed that I found the perfect balance, this feeling culminated last march where I thought "I am exactly where I need to be now". And now, this feeling has vanished, very suddenly. I don't know where I should go anymore. I had a lot of certitude, thinking I had to do this and that, and now I'm not sure I took the good path.

 

I think that benzo withdrawal, and the epiphany I had when I thought I would die during the worst times, throw me into a huge existential crisis. Or is it benzo withdrawal AGAIN, after 6 months (yes, 6 months free of benzos TODAY, happy birthday), which is a lot compared to the 2 months I took them?  Since last summer, I put all my thoughts on thinking that my despair came from withdrawal. What if I just missed the point in realizing I needed a real change to find myself? What if during all this time, my mind tried to tell me something and I just pushed it under the carpet, thinking "it's withdrawal, nevermind".

 

I'm curious to know if benzo withdrawal was the beggining of a mid-life crisis for you people? And what did you do to engage a well-needed change?

41 views and no reply?

 

Am I really such an alien for having an existential crisis after benzos mess? 

Here's something interesting that happened to me during this whole process. I could have sworn that part of the reason that I wasn't healing was because I was working as a high school English teacher. I had been one for 7.5 years and then I started taking Klonopin for like the sixth time. After that short, two-month period on benzos my life spiraled out of control and I even felt bad during the summer. I continued working as a teacher until I was 14 months off benzos and then luckily got a job as a high school Librarian and have been one for the past five months. I am still healing slowly but surely but the job change and the move to my hometown hasn't miraculously made me recover any quicker. I swore getting out of that particular job would heal me quickly and make life perfect but it hasn't. Maybe I'm healing faster as a librarian but how would I know for sure.

 

So what I'm trying to say is I have the job I want and I'm living where I want to live yet still experiencing symptoms where I generally don't feel okay most of the time. Is this an existential crises or withdrawal? I'm 21 months off. All I can really do is quit this job and start another one or leave my family high and dry and drive away in my car. All I know is making massive changes hasn't helped me much with mental symptoms. Not sure if this helps at all. 

You and I are in very similar places including age and  your symptoms. Iam 10 months out and having the same outlook on life now. I think alot of it is driven by these darn looping thoughts I am getting. Unfortunately the looping thoughts I get are of everything negative Ive done in my life. I think this is driving my thoughts of change/escape. I will say I want change for all the same reasons you do when I'm in windows and feeling good, But In a wave I dont want any change. lol. Makes no sense right... stopping these darn things can do some wicked things to ones thinking and processing. I dont know how Someone could possibly come out of withdraws healed and the same person due to all  the physical and mental symptoms one must endure during this process. That dosent mean its a negative thing. I think this experience is gonna lead to a more grounded, stronger, and empathetic me. So in my case I Think what I am going threw is changing me in alot of different ways. Also I believe while in recovery my brain is not working as it should. To be more blunt my ability to rationalize Sucks...lol and the Idea for change/escape I dont believe would bring me instant relief or happiness, rather stress on what is currently a fragile central nervous system. One good strength I have learned in benzo withdraw is the ability to be patient and how time brings clarity. So the short answer is I think alittle bit of both in my case... But time will tell.

excellent question. i'm following

One thing to add is I have been told to NOT make any life changes or decisions during Withdrawals!

 

B

Skalliz, boombox.. I identify so much with your thoughts.. almost tit for tat. i'm 35. going in my 5th month of wd... i've changed.. my parents say for the better. my eyes opened to the world.. and it feels so.. only what i'm seeing is frightening.. seems like before this i was in a bubble that protected me from all the suffering of the world. now it's gone. death has never seemed so close and real.. does everyone go through this maybe? because it seems like the inner child dies in everyone at some point. i feel cast away.. i feel broken. i used to fear death. now i'm glad all this comes to an end at some point. one can only hope so. even that we do not know certainly

Omg, these posts are freaking me out. I thought I was over the benzos. I’m 6 mo off today but my big bento belly brought me back. As I’m reading posts, I’m realizing that I’m not over anything. The fear of leaving my bed, the belly, tinnitus, the loop, can it really be from a drug that hasn’t been in my system for 6 months?  Does that make any sense?  I had none of these symptoms before w/d so it’s not like they are just coming back. So I’ll never be the way I was pre benzo?

how can anyone be the same after such suffering?

realizing you can quickly lose it all?

that lifelong friends really aren't?

 

I know, if I survive, I will never be the same.

Omg, these posts are freaking me out. I thought I was over the benzos. I’m 6 mo off today but my big bento belly brought me back. As I’m reading posts, I’m realizing that I’m not over anything. The fear of leaving my bed, the belly, tinnitus, the loop, can it really be from a drug that hasn’t been in my system for 6 months?  Does that make any sense?  I had none of these symptoms before w/d so it’s not like they are just coming back. So I’ll never be the way I was pre benzo?

 

i believe you'll get over this.. the brain doesnt like to hang on to bad memories

Hi Skalliz,

 

I relate to your post so much I could have written it. 

 

I have gone against conventional wisdom here on BB and made several radical life changes during my recovery. I am basically starting my whole life over again. These changes have not improved the looping intrusive thoughts, anxiety, or depression. However, they HAVE given me the space and tools to manage my underlying PTSD and I believe they will improve my quality of life in the long run.

 

That's how I have learned to frame it: I put my recovery first. Anything that was holding me back, had to go. Unfortunately for me that was quite a bit: job, marriage, home...it's very stressful but I have no doubt that it's all necessary. Ten years is a long time to be sedated, and I did not build my life on a solid foundation. The (many) things that fell apart for me were not built to last and had to be torn down so I could rebuild a life worthy of the person I am becoming now.

 

I can't tell you whether to make the changes or hold out. It's so hard to know what truths are in our hearts and minds when our brains are still healing and we are suffering so much. It's all very confusing. I will say that I do a lot of reflecting with mindfulness techniques, journaling, long walks, meditation, yoga, THERAPY, etc. I am still finding my way. I believe that you will find yours.

 

Put your recovery first, whatever that means for you.

 

 

Fear is a sx of wd don't feed into the thoughts.  Yes we are healing.  keep a journal it helps.  Warrior on!

Trigger warning: This might be a bit too dark for some, but it is what I live by and it helps solve my existential crisis and give my life meaning.

 

Sorry for any misspells, English is not my first language.

 

Life has no meaning. That is certain and to be totally free you have to understand that, but most importantly you have to feel that life has no meaning. You need to feel the emptiness and despair.

So why don't you just kill yourself? Because that would be as meaningful as everything else.

Life is suffering, it's horrible when you think about it. You are born into a world without you having nothing to say about it, and you experience all these feelings, good and bad, but it feels like suffering where you never become truly happy.

So what do you if you don't kill yourself and live through the suffering? You find meaning in fighting the suffering. You try to help yourself or others in their suffering, so life becomes less unpleasant. If that means creating a company like Apple, that changes how we as people live our lives and makes it less unpleasant to live then you do that. If that means you will focus on yourself and work yourself through your withdrawal then that is what gives your life meaning. If it means playing World of Warcraft all day long because that makes you suffer less, then that is what gives your life meaning. If it means being a great teacher so your student will have a better life and don't suffer as much as the people before them, then that is what gives your life meaning. You will find meaning in your suffering.

 

I hope I did not scare anyone. Would love to hear if my post made any sense 

I hope I did not scare anyone. Would love to hear if my post made any sense 

 

totally agree with you. but i'm not bringing any children into this world

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

Looping “sticky” thoughts is one of my last symptoms left.

I’m 2 years out.

I’ve noticed it’s easier to acknowledge that the thoughts are related to withdrawal and not a product of who I am. Although they’re hard to ignore and make me scared of everything.

 

Look up info on OCD sticky thoughts and how to acknowledge them but not focus too much on them.

Looping “sticky” thoughts is one of my last symptoms left.

I’m 2 years out.

I’ve noticed it’s easier to acknowledge that the thoughts are related to withdrawal and not a product of who I am. Although they’re hard to ignore and make me scared of everything.

 

Look up info on OCD sticky thoughts and how to acknowledge them but not focus too much on them.

 

Hi Meganz. Am i mistaken or i saw in some post that you had tinnitus too? and now it's gone i assume?

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

 

SO TRUE.

I think the point is everyone, use this to reinvent and evolve rather than try to find the “old me”...

It’s kind of like being reincarnated as a better person.

It’s a golden opportunity to be relished, as painful as it may be.

Ya JJNat. I concur.

People keeping asking when I’m going to be back to “normal.” That’s solidly not a thing.

It’s a learning process. A miserable one. Tho, still, a way to grow. You said it really well with one word:

 

evolve

 

 

 

 

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

 

SO TRUE.

I think the point is everyone, use this to reinvent and evolve rather than try to find the “old me”...

It’s kind of like being reincarnated as a better person.

It’s a golden opportunity to be relished, as painful as it may be.

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

 

SO TRUE.

I think the point is everyone, use this to reinvent and evolve rather than try to find the “old me”...

It’s kind of like being reincarnated as a better person.

It’s a golden opportunity to be relished, as painful as it may be.

 

Hi. I'm so glad people stopped by my topic to share their thoughts! Thank you everyone.

 

I think the most painful thing in this process is to realize that there is NO WAY BACK. I just CAN'T be the same naive, innocent person I was before meds, who used to see the world with pink-colored glasses. My vision of doctors changed A LOT. I don't trust modern medicine anymore. I discovered a lot about mental health during my readings (I wish I hadn't read that much about it) and I realized that being bipolar, depressive, schyzo, having PTSD and stuff like this are much more common than what I used to think. I dug deep into the human psyche to understand what was going on, and it was scary.

 

I feel much more vulnerable now because I realized modern medical staff sometimes just can't help you, and might even makes things worse. I saw death many times too close (from an imaginary threat during panic attacks, or a serious threat when panicking on the highway while driving) and I feel so weak now.

 

So yeah, I wanted so badly to be my old self again. But I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is NOT POSSIBLE with what I had to deal with. So I'm wandering into a grey zone, neither my old self, neither my new self I still trying to find and with which I'm not comfortable yet.

 

I'm trying to see this as a golden opportunity to reinvent myself, but you are right. It's painful, because you have nothing to rely on for a while. And I really miss who I was just a year ago. I was "at the top", and it took only a few weeks to destroy everything I built during the last decade.

 

On a more positive note, it seems that when I stop trying to hold on to my old self, I feel a little better because it lessens the pressure I'm putting on myself. Being indulgent towards yourself during this painful transition is really a "must".

 

Yes. Yes Skalliz. That’s it.

Everything you just articulated. Dialed. Good processing.

 

 

Are you familiar with Pema Chodron?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

 

SO TRUE.

I think the point is everyone, use this to reinvent and evolve rather than try to find the “old me”...

It’s kind of like being reincarnated as a better person.

It’s a golden opportunity to be relished, as painful as it may be.

 

Hi. I'm so glad people stopped by my topic to share their thoughts! Thank you everyone.

 

I think the most painful thing in this process is to realize that there is NO WAY BACK. I just CAN'T be the same naive, innocent person I was before meds, who used to see the world with pink-colored glasses. My vision of doctors changed A LOT. I don't trust modern medicine anymore. I discovered a lot about mental health during my readings (I wish I hadn't read that much about it) and I realized that being bipolar, depressive, schyzo, having PTSD and stuff like this are much more common than what I used to think. I dug deep into the human psyche to understand what was going on, and it was scary.

 

I feel much more vulnerable now because I realized modern medical staff sometimes just can't help you, and might even makes things worse. I saw death many times too close (from an imaginary threat during panic attacks, or a serious threat when panicking on the highway while driving) and I feel so weak now.

 

So yeah, I wanted so badly to be my old self again. But I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is NOT POSSIBLE with what I had to deal with. So I'm wandering into a grey zone, neither my old self, neither my new self I still trying to find and with which I'm not comfortable yet.

 

I'm trying to see this as a golden opportunity to reinvent myself, but you are right. It's painful, because you have nothing to rely on for a while. And I really miss who I was just a year ago. I was "at the top", and it took only a few weeks to destroy everything I built during the last decade.

 

On a more positive note, it seems that when I stop trying to hold on to my old self, I feel a little better because it lessens the pressure I'm putting on myself. Being indulgent towards yourself during this painful transition is really a "must".

Yes. Yes Skalliz. That’s it.

Everything you just articulated. Dialed. Good processing.

 

 

Are you familiar with Pema Chodron?

 

Not at all, but I see on Wikipedia that she's a buddhist monk! I highly value buddhist philosophy, thanks to my family. My parents brought me to a buddhist temple when I was a baby to receive the benediction of a monk when I feel lost, I usually read some dalaï-lama texts here and there.

 

Is there something interesting about her I should dig?

You’re fully onto it anyway. One, or both of these books. My bendy-benzo-brain isn’t latching into specifics right now. Both are helpful. At least one of them is with me almost always. I often just skip around and read a short few pages here and there. Good stuff.

 

Pema Chodron -

“Comfortable with Uncertainty”

“The Places that Scare You”

 

Ya.

This changes people.

I can’t imagine “looking” at the world, life, a tree, pretty much anything, in ways that I used to. Feeling very empathetic towards most things, and more towards myself, than ever before.

Maybe benzo withdrawals and existential crisis go together?

 

SO TRUE.

I think the point is everyone, use this to reinvent and evolve rather than try to find the “old me”...

It’s kind of like being reincarnated as a better person.

It’s a golden opportunity to be relished, as painful as it may be.

 

Hi. I'm so glad people stopped by my topic to share their thoughts! Thank you everyone.

 

I think the most painful thing in this process is to realize that there is NO WAY BACK. I just CAN'T be the same naive, innocent person I was before meds, who used to see the world with pink-colored glasses. My vision of doctors changed A LOT. I don't trust modern medicine anymore. I discovered a lot about mental health during my readings (I wish I hadn't read that much about it) and I realized that being bipolar, depressive, schyzo, having PTSD and stuff like this are much more common than what I used to think. I dug deep into the human psyche to understand what was going on, and it was scary.

 

I feel much more vulnerable now because I realized modern medical staff sometimes just can't help you, and might even makes things worse. I saw death many times too close (from an imaginary threat during panic attacks, or a serious threat when panicking on the highway while driving) and I feel so weak now.

 

So yeah, I wanted so badly to be my old self again. But I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it is NOT POSSIBLE with what I had to deal with. So I'm wandering into a grey zone, neither my old self, neither my new self I still trying to find and with which I'm not comfortable yet.

 

I'm trying to see this as a golden opportunity to reinvent myself, but you are right. It's painful, because you have nothing to rely on for a while. And I really miss who I was just a year ago. I was "at the top", and it took only a few weeks to destroy everything I built during the last decade.

 

On a more positive note, it seems that when I stop trying to hold on to my old self, I feel a little better because it lessens the pressure I'm putting on myself. Being indulgent towards yourself during this painful transition is really a "must".

 

Have you ever seen the movie the Matrix? Basically Neo understand that there is something more, then the dull life we live in. After a while, he gets out of our world. He meets the character Cypher. Cypher hates what he now knows. He goes as far as giving up his friends just so he can go back to not knowing what he knows today.

 

I recommend this movie for those who got an interest in existentialism.